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Nerve has hired the Infinite Monkeys as bloggers. They’ll almost surely find some news. 

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Today Infinite Monkeys have learned that we have been observed getting turnt by scientists. Have your laughs, humans. Turns out that drunk monkeys hunt better and have better appetites. This means perhaps those of us that like to put a few back are better off evolutionarily. So when you’re at the club next and you see a wasted-assed monkey, buy him a shot.

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In human news, a man died after eating a “computer tablet.” We’ll just let these two stories sit side by side. While you think about it, we’d like to point you to Sam Brass Knuckles’ tour-de-force bird hating album, I Hate Birds.

As Infinite Monkeys gear up for this weekend’s Jurassic Park movie we were reminded by some paleontologists that “Jurassic Park has not happened.” Yeah, right. Sure. Whatever you say, paleontologists. That’s exactly what we would say if we had created a secret Jurassic Park.

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We have to work extra long hours while the editors of Nerve are busy trying Beyonce’s diet this week. We’d rather enjoy a little rum and Crystal Pepsi instead.

More bananas!