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Nerve has hired the Infinite Monkeys as bloggers. They’ll almost surely find some news. 

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Today the Infinite Monkeys have learned that NASA is tired of being embarrassed by aliens so they’ve decided to just go ahead and make a flying saucer. We’re really hoping they figure out that great poop mystery first.

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The hero of the day award goes to the Michigan man who did not listen his girlfriend’s horrible advice to stop playing the lottery and won a million dollars. Infinite Monkeys have always said the lotto was doorway to your dreams.

Just in time for graduation some schools in England are considering doing away with homework to combat depression. Infinite Monkeys believe this was one last kick in the ass to the graduating class of 2015. We want to congratulate all those new grads by the way. Remember these words of wisdom from Norm, you’re gonna need it.

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In cool animal news, Triple Crown winner and super coolest horse ever American Pharoah has decided to donate his winnings to cancer research. You’re a good horse, Amer. P. More than we can say for the editors of Nerve who keep us locked in this cage blogging for hours while they use our HBO GO logins to catch up on Game of Thrones.

More bananas!