Advice

Cinema Sutra: Bad Santa

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The movie: Degenerate, alcoholic, lascivious, and thieving Billy Bob Thornton makes a bang-up Santa, along with his diminutive and equally depraved partner in crime, little person Tony Cox, more imp than elf.

The scene: Somehow Billy Bob — maybe because in real life he managed to defy all explanation  and pull Angelina Jolie — is often cast getting it on with women who should be way out of his league (Monster’s Ball, anyone?). This time his unlikely victim is Gilmore Girl Lauren Graham, who plays a bartender who takes pity on Mr. Claus. In this scene, Santa is about to do a little gift-giving of his own before he’s interrupted by a loner kid who has glommed onto him. Here’s how to take a little bit of Bad Santa and create your own very good time.

What you need:
• A Santa hat
• Optional: red suit, boots, belly, and white beard

The mechanics: Something about a Santa hat can bring out the ho ho ho in a lot of women. (Try it, you’ll see.) Maybe it suggests you have a bagful of presents, or maybe it just puts people in the giving spirit, but few holiday costumes pay as many dividends as the Kris Kringle get-up.

But once you’ve found a willing elf, don’t mimic Billy Bob’s attempt to remove Graham’s underwear with his teeth while her pants are still on. What was that about? Of course it’s true that you can get underwear off without using your hands, but if you don’t want to stretch them irremediably (as Thornton does), and you really want to avoid using your mitts, here’s how to do it:

• Don’t grab her underwear anywhere around the top edge; all you’ll do is pull them to one side without getting the whole panty to drop down. The trick is to get them by the crotch, but to do that, you have to be careful…
• First, slide your tongue under the edge of the panty, on one side or the other of the crotch. Then use your tongue to push that edge up into your teeth, making sure you don’t bring any pubes with it.
• Once you have the crotch of the underwear firmly in your teeth, pull straight backwards — not up! — and do it slowly. With steady pressure, it will eventually release, and you can slide them off her legs and ankles.

Lesson we learn: Diamonds are forever, but oral sex is also pretty much always well-received. So if you want to make someone happy this yuletide season, take the sleigh south. Just remember to leave your hat on!

Click here to read — and learn — more in Nerve’s Hollywood Sex Scene Database.