Dear Coquette: Coming Clean

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“I cheated. Why am I the one having trouble trusting him?”

Welcome to Dear Coquette, a place to have your burning and how-do-I-make-this-stop-burning sex advice questions answered. You might recognize The Coquette and her bare-knuckle honesty from her columns on, The Daily, or her own popular site, Dear Coquette. Send your questions to

I cheated, came clean, and after some work, he forgave me. We've been together for over a year and shit has been fantastic. He's my dream dude, so why am I the one having trouble trusting him?

You're the one having trouble trusting him because you're the one who cheated. Cheaters are always plagued with trust issues. It's a little slice of karmic retribution I like to call cheater's irony.

I'd tell you I'm sorry, but I'm not. You cheated, and now you're worried he'll do the same to you. Tough shit. That's just how it goes.

I've been with this man on and off since middle school. We have an 8-year-old daughter, which is the main reason why I'm still with him. He is a great man, but I am not truly happy. We have built a home for our daughter together, and I feel wrong to end it and have to put her through the heartbreak and mess. What the hell would you do?

It doesn't matter what the hell I would do, because I wasn't stupid enough to get knocked up by some guy I met at recess. What the hell you should do is continue putting your daughter first, and get ridiculous notions of being "truly happy" out of your head. "Truly happy" doesn't exist. It's just another bullshit manifestation of the "happily ever after" fantasy.

You've built a home for your daughter with a great man. Nicely done, but you don't get to fuck it all up over a mild case of existential ennui. I'm sorry that you're bored, but tough shit. It's not your daughter's fault that you regret settling down with your first pre-teen crush. She's eight, so for at least the next decade, her best interests come first, and your best interests come second. That's what it means to be a mother.

Now, as for becoming happier more often in your current circumstances, take a hot minute to examine what exactly you feel is missing in your relationship. Do you want more passion? More excitement? Or do you just want a shiny new dick to sit on every once in a while? There are any number of obvious solutions to all kinds of unfulfilled needs, but if your problem really boils down to a bunch of "this isn't how I thought my life would turn out" angst, then please just shut the fuck up and go do some yoga like all the other listless housewives.

Image via Inessa Akhmedova