Advice

Dear Coquette: Doing What Needs to Be Done

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“I'm about five seconds from kicking his ass to the curb.”

Welcome to Dear Coquette, a place to have your burning and how-do-I-make-this-stop-burning sex advice questions answered. You might recognize The Coquette and her bare-knuckle honesty from her columns on Playboy.com, The Daily, or her own popular site, Dear Coquette. Send your questions to coquette@nerve.com.

My friend-with-benefits sent me a text saying, “You need to back away from me until you can control and handle your emotions. You're being clingy, obnoxiously attached, and irrationally upset for no goddamn reason. Until then, please do something constructive instead of sending me a text.” He just sent this straight out of the blue and I'm about five seconds from kicking his ass to the curb. I can't keep giving him second chances. I need advice. Help. Anything.

You can only give somebody one second chance. After that, “giving him second chances” is just code for putting up with more of his bullshit.

And let's be clear, he didn't send that text straight out of the blue. You may not want to admit it, but you know damn well why he thinks you're being clingy, obnoxiously attached, and irrationally upset for no goddamn reason.

I'm not saying he's right. I'm just saying quit acting all surprised. Even if he is right, he's still behaving like a gigantic asshole, and you shouldn't tolerate that kind of disrespect from a friend, with or without benefits. It's doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, so you should probably take your five seconds and then go ahead and kick his ass to the curb.

Now, here's the real question. Can you do what needs to be done, or are you just in this for the drama?

Any argument or disagreement with my boyfriend crumbles into the basest expression of spluttering animal emotion. There is absolutely no room for rational conversation.

I'm no angel but my intentions are good. I try to address, redress, apologize, take responsibility and he's too busy bellowing over me to even take it in.

I don't know how to resolve conflict with him. He shouts and rages and raves and doesn't even hear the apology he's asking for. Shouting back, speaking calmly, letting him know he is being heard, silent treatment — I've tried everything I can think of. I am so, so tired.

Break up with him. You know you can do that, right?

Trust yourself when you say you've tried everything, because there are no magic solutions to this kind of problem. If your boyfriend is insufferable, then quit suffering him.

Life's hard enough without a partner who's constantly leaving you emotionally exhausted. It's one thing to struggle with incompatible conflict resolution styles, but you should never have to put up with verbal abuse.

Image via smile_kerry