Advice

Dear Coquette: Giving You the Brutal Truth About Your Ex

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"How do you get over a guy you never wanted to be broken up from?”

Welcome to Dear Coquette, a place to have your burning and how-do-I-make-this-stop-burning sex advice questions answered. You might recognize The Coquette and her bare-knuckle honesty from her columns on Playboy.com, The Daily, or her own popular site,Dear Coquette. Send your questions to coquette@nerve.com.

How do you get over a guy you never wanted to be broken up from? We were together for five years. I know our relationship needed to change. There were communication issues and some lack of compassion near the end. But I always wanted to fight for us, whereas he doesn't want to be in a relationship at all. At times I have clarity and know I can't be with him, not because of his refusal, but because I need more for myself than what our relationship was. But most of the time, I hope that we'll end up with each other. We've been through a shit load, including an abortion, which was a mutual decision but left us both with the want to eventually have a family together. I've never done this before and I feel like I'm trapped inside of myself.

Ugh. I know your type. You've been annoying the shit out of your friends with this emotional autopsy for weeks now, and you've gotten to the point where you've distilled your shitty relationship down to a bunch of sad, tired self-deluding clichés. This is going to seem cruel, but somebody needs to slap you upside the head with some brutal fucking truth.

I'm sorry, but your relationship didn't "need to change." That shit needed to end. He was fucking miserable, and you just didn't know any better. Sure, it was great in the beginning, but that was half a damn decade ago. Neither of you is the same person anymore, and if you're honest with yourself you'll start to acknowledge that your relationship probably ran its natural course in the first two years.

After that, he checked out emotionally, and you stubbornly refused to let it go. You wanna know what "I always wanted to fight for us" really means? It means he was trying to break up with you for years, but you were so relentless that he couldn't figure out how.

Oh, and I promise, he never wanted to have a family with you. Ever. Not even a little bit. That was just a bunch of bullshit he thought you needed to hear while he was holding his breath through your abortion. Yep. It's terrible, but that's what guys do.

You want some clarity? Let me be crystal fucking clear: He doesn't love you anymore. You two are never going to end up together. It's time for you to accept that it's over. Pull your head out of your ass and move the fuck on.

Yes, it hurts. No, it's not fair. Tough shit. The sooner you get some emotional distance from this relationship, the sooner you'll realize that there's nothing particularly special about this guy other than the fact that you happened to fall in love with him.

Now, take a deep breath. Exhale. This was harsh, but it needed to be. The good news is you will get over him. The time you spent together wasn't wasted. You will learn from this, and you will fall in love again, probably more than once. In the meantime, quit romanticizing the past. It's time to start letting go.

Image via ashley rose