"There's something about him; and something withdrawn and prickly about me."
Welcome to Dear Coquette, a place to have your burning and how-do-I-make-this-stop-burning sex advice questions answered. You might recognize The Coquette and her bare-knuckle honesty from her columns on Playboy.com, The Daily, or her own popular site, Dear Coquette. Send your questions to email@example.com.
I'm too self-absorbed to love a partner more than I love myself. He's the exact same way. I'm not sure where we're going, but I want a partnership that lasts, and I don't see it with him. It's been four months. He'll be in my life for at least the next four, if not the next two years.
And it's not like I don't try; when I am cognizant of his feelings, I take care of them. I bring him food and I'm giving in bed. But he doesn't get me off, and we don't talk about our feelings. There's something cold about him; and something withdrawn and prickly about me.
So do I just walk away? I want to hold on. I want to keep him, though I don't know why.
Ah, yes. You're at an interesting point in your relationship. You recognize that four months is too soon to be planning the next four years, but it's also long enough to where you're past the schmoopy courtship phase. The honeymoon is over (not that you two ever had one), but still, things are getting rational, and now you're trying to figure out whether there's a fundamental compatibility that could carry things long-term.
It feels like you're leaning towards no, as if you want me to nudge you over the top of your decision to end the relationship. If that's what you're secretly hoping I'll do, then accept it and act accordingly. If the coin is still being flipped, then you're just going to have to call it in the air. Hold on or walk away, it's entirely up to you.
The best advice I can give as you make your lists of pros and cons is to step back as far from this relationship as possible. See a bigger picture. Are you content to describe yourself as self-absorbed, withdrawn, and prickly? Is that who you want to be? You don't have to know where your relationship is going, but you do have to know yourself.
Will this relationship allow you to continue growing into the person that you want to become? Maybe it will. Maybe it won't. Again, that's your call, but if you decide that you're in it, jump head first and put energy into making the relationship work. If you're done, get the hell out hard and fast before you drift through another four months.
Whatever you do, don't let inertia be the determining force in your relationship.
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