Advice

Dear Coquette: It’s Time to Get Over Silly Crushes

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“I have a knack for developing crushes on men that turn out to be unavailable.”

Welcome to Dear Coquette, a place to have your burning and how-do-I-make-this-stop-burning sex advice questions answered. You might recognize The Coquette and her bare-knuckle honesty from her columns on Playboy.com, The Daily, or her own popular site, Dear Coquette. Send your questions to coquette@nerve.com.

I have a knack for developing crushes on men that turn out to be unavailable. I overheard the last guy I had a huge crush on (I work at a coffee shop and every time he came in I would start shaking a little) telling someone that he's not looking for a girlfriend right now. The guy I currently like is divorced, and it wasn't that long ago that the marriage ended. I'm assuming he's fairly unavailable as well. Anyways, is there something wrong with me? It's not like I see a wedding ring and then I'm attracted to them… I literally just develop very strong crushes on guys that turn out to be unavailable for one reason or another.

If you're in your late teens or early 20s, then there's nothing wrong with you that a few good years of maturity won't naturally fix. If you're in your 30s, then perhaps you're a bit of a shallow twit, but even that's correctable with a little well-timed introspection.

Either way, your problem isn't what you think it is. I understand why you'd be concerned if you thought you were only capable of being attracted to unavailable men, but that's not what I'm hearing from you. What I'm hearing is that you seem to have confused infatuation with more legitimate romantic emotions.

Crushes aren't that big a deal, especially if you're still in a phase of life where you're having a lot of them. I know you feel like crushes are these great big swoony delicious roller coaster rides of romantic potential, but really, they're not. A crush is nothing but emotional candy. It has no real nutritional value. All it does is give you a quick sugary high followed by an inevitable crash.

I don't want to sound too belittling when I tell you this, but you really just need to get a grip on your emotions and chill the fuck out. Grow up a little. Start recognizing your crushes for what they are — just you acting like a love-stoned puppy over a series of dudes that you obviously don't even know well enough to confirm their availability.

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