Advice

Dear Coquette: On Sociopaths, Self-Destruction, and Hyperbole

Pin it

“Why do relationships feel sticky and tiring to me?”

Welcome to Dear Coquette, a place to have your burning and how-do-I-make-this-stop-burning sex advice questions answered. You might recognize The Coquette and her bare-knuckle honesty from her columns on Playboy.com, The Daily, or her own popular site, Dear Coquette. Send your questions to coquette@nerve.com.

I just got dumped. I thought I would be devastated, but I am so fucking relieved. Am I kidding myself, or is this real?
Nah, it's real. Your ex made the right decision for you both.

Why do relationships feel sticky and tiring to me?
Because you put up with that shit.

What do you do with someone who is hell bent on being self-destructive but is intelligent enough to know better?
Intelligence has nothing to do with it. Also, try not to confuse actual self-destruction for behavior that merely conflicts with your personal morality.

I want to ask her out but I'm in a monogamous relationship.
You have three options: You can cheat, you can not cheat, or you can modify the terms of your monogamous relationship (which for most couples means breaking-up.) Choose wisely, and accept the consequences.

Why does it bother me that four of my friends have referred to their boyfriends as sociopaths, yet continue to date them?
The boyfriends aren't sociopaths. They're just self-absorbed assholes, and it bothers you because friends are annoying when they chronically date self-absorbed assholes.

Is it fucked up that no one bats an eye when a girl uses a vibrator but there is massive societal shame towards the use of a pocket pussy?
Massive societal shame? Don't be so dramatic, dude. There may be a bit of a double standard, but I submit it has less to do with gender, and more to do with design. Pocket pussies are hilarious contraptions that anyone would look ridiculous while using. Vibrators are simply more elegant, whether being used by a man or a woman.

I want to be in love with someone who is kind, witty, and sexually attractive, and have them love me back. Why does it this seem so impossible?
Because you're confusing kindness, wit, and sexual attraction for long term compatibility, and you're confusing love with infatuation.

I love him but he wants us to be monogamous.
I feel your pain. To me, that's like saying, "I love him, but he wants us to be Mormon." Stick an asterisk next to monogamy if you must, but don't set relationship terms that you can't live with. Talk this shit out with your partner. Find common ground. If it ultimately ends up being a dealbreaker, don't let it be because you didn't explore every possible consideration.

How do I stop romanticizing my personality flaws? How do I stop secretly loving being "broken"?
Grow the fuck up.

Image via Joe St.Pierre