Advice

Dear Coquette: On the Subtleties of Betrayal

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“I've spent the entire day berating myself internally for having acted like a morally reprehensible whore.”

Welcome to Dear Coquette, a place to have your burning and how-do-I-make-this-stop-burning sex advice questions answered. You might recognize The Coquette and her bare-knuckle honesty from her columns on Playboy.com, The Daily, or her own popular site, Dear Coquette. Send your questions to coquette@nerve.com.

I fucked a guy last night. He has a girlfriend, and has for over a year. I was aware this girlfriend existed when I fucked him, and in fact had met her before. They are not in an open relationship, so him having sex with someone else is bona fide cheating, and not okay. He's swore me to secrecy on the subject and we agreed it wouldn't happen again, though I have a feeling a part of him wants it to happen again. I don't, because (at the risk of sounding like I'm wallowing in self pity) I've spent the entire day berating myself internally for having acted like a morally reprehensible whore. I guess what I'm asking is how is the best way to make peace with it, or should I make peace with it, or maybe I just want you to give me the metaphorical kick up the ass I deserve for this. Help.

I can't help you. This shit's on you. You did wrong. You deserve to feel like a morally reprehensible whore, and if you have the slightest bit of integrity, you'll make peace with this incident by resolving never to do it again.

Don't have sex with another woman's man. It's as simple as that. Obviously, the guy in this situation is a deplorable asshole, but this isn't about him. It's about his poor unfortunate girlfriend who you knew about ahead of time. Put yourself in her shoes, and recognize that she's the one you hurt.

The good news is that you seem to have a conscience. Listen to it in the future, because this is some basic golden rule shit: Do unto other women's boyfriends as you would have other women do unto yours.

My boyfriend knows I'm bisexual. The girl I'm seeing on the side (with his consent) knows I'm bisexual. Hardly any of my friends know and the ones that do have reacted poorly, more so to the openness of my relationship with him than anything else. How do I explain it so that they understand I'm not betraying him?

You don't have to explain yourself to close-minded people, but if it's important to you that some of your more vanilla friends understand the type of relationship you have, start by letting them know that monogamy and fidelity aren't the same thing. Being true and faithful in a relationship has no inherent connection to how many sexual partners you have.

Open relationships aren't that big a deal. Bisexuality isn't that big a deal. A bisexual woman with a primary boyfriend and a girlfriend on the side really isn't that big a deal. In the spectrum of non-traditional relationships, your situation barely moves the needle on the freak-o-meter.

Not that your lifestyle choices are anyone else's business, but if your friends aren't even capable of wrapping their pointy little heads around the concept of open relationships, you might want to consider finding some new friends.

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