Advice

Dear Coquette: The Future of Your Relationships and Beyond

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“My boyfriend of three years won't let me move in with him.”

Welcome to Dear Coquette, a place to have your burning and how-do-I-make-this-stop-burning sex advice questions answered. You might recognize The Coquette and her bare-knuckle honesty from her columns on Playboy.com, The Daily, or her own popular site, Dear Coquette. Send your questions to coquette@nerve.com.

Two years ago I'd describe myself as a pretty badass bitch who handled relationships with confidence and dignity. Now, post first big love, I find myself having to consciously fight sexual jealousy and struggling to be vulnerable with the newest infatuation. What gives?
Two years ago you didn't know shit about love. Now you know a little. Keep it up, and in two more years you'll know even more.

Is knowing that someone will be a good father, and knowing that someone loves you immensely in a way that you have never been loved before enough of a reason to marry that person? Also best sex of my life.
Maybe. There are worse reasons to get married. There are also better. You'll end up bored as hell sometime around 2020, but that was probably gonna happen anyway.

Find out if you can cohabitate with the dude before you go squirting out any of his babies, and don't expect the best sex of your life to be a thing you keep on this list indefinitely.

My boyfriend of three years won't let me move in with him. He says it's because he wants to "have something that is just his" (referring to the house he bought last year). This stresses me out all the time, because it makes me feel like he doesn't want a future with me. We work together, so I often worry that our mutual work environment is what holds us together for him. Should I cool it, or is this something that warrants a huge discussion?
A huge discussion? Ugh. No wonder your boyfriend doesn't want you to move in with him. I'd tell you to cool it, but first you'd have to be capable of actually being cool, and you're way too insecure in your relationship to pull that off.

Are you prepared to break up with your boyfriend? Didn't think so, which means that brow-beating him with a "we need to talk" level conversation isn't going to get you what you want. All it will do is reinforce his need for personal space.

You already work together and socialize together. It's not outrageous for your boyfriend to feel that living together might be too much, and I'm sorry, but if your mutual work environment really is the only thing holding you two together, then you're screwed. That's a huge red flag, and there's no way your boyfriend will ask you to move in with him if he's already emotionally checked out from the relationship.

I know this answer won't alleviate your stress, but maybe it will get you to take a step back and start looking at the bigger picture. Three years is long enough to know whether you should be planning a future together. Do you really want a future with someone who's still keeping you at arm's length?

Image via Laura D'Alessandro