Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.



Hey Miss Information,
    I need some advice. I went on one date with this guy from Nerve. As far as I knew, it was a great date. However, he never emailed back. Even though I had other suitors it sucked because I had him in the back of mind during my other dates. A little while after, I ran into him at a bar and that night we got-it-on. Now it's been about a week. No email. No call. Nada. Is there anything I can do to get in touch with him without seeming needy, or should I drop it like it's hot?

Signed,
Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

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Dear Looking for Love,
    Being both Midwestern and Caucasian by birth, I could never in good conscience advise anyone to drop it like it's hot. Even if I wanted to, I'm not sure it would be legal. That said, I may be able to offer some insight.
    So you went on a date that didn't go anywhere. Then you went on a non-date that ended up in the bedroom. Now you're getting the freeze-out and wondering what the fuck's up. It seems like you already know what's up, and that is, he's not that interested. Or he is, but not on anything more than a physical level. Which is fine if that's what you want, but I'm going to guess that's not the case.
    The ideal thing to do would be to let go (i.e., no call, no email) and wait for him to get in touch. That said, I understand your need for closure, and that can only be achieved by contacting this guy to see what's up. When you do, keep it light and breezy. Think the Golden Girls sipping iced tea out on the lanai, not Amityville why-the-fuck-haven't-you-called-me-you-asshole Horrorshow. As long as you keep it to one (and only one) attempt at contact, you're steering well clear of needy territory.
    Chances are, he's not gonna respond. But you never know: he could be a genuinely cool but very distracted person, and your extra effort might just nudge him toward realizing how perfect you two are together.
    On second thought, nah . . .


Dear Miss Information,
    On the first date with this girl, we were getting along so great she invited me back to her place. Things were going well, so I leaned in to kiss her, at which point she turned her head away. I thought I had screwed up, but then it became obvious that she wanted me to kiss her on the neck.
    That's fine for a warm-up, but one week and several bedroom sessions later, I still haven't kissed her on the mouth. She's also weird about hugging hello or goodbye, and it's making me feel like a john. There are signs she's interested in me, but there are way more of these ambivalent signals. I've tried to talk to her about it, but she gives evasive answers. I really just want to know where I stand and to make sure she doesn't think this is anything too serious. If you can't help me get through, I may have to resort to singing telegrams.

Signed,
Neck Romancer

Dear Neck Romancer,
    Not kissing on the mouth was charming when Julia Roberts played the ho-next-door in Pretty Woman, but it's pretty shitty off the screen. Either your breath smells like a slaughterhouse, or this girl's got some deeper issues going on.
    I'll start with the disclaimer that everyone has their likes and dislikes when it comes to sex, and it's possible that kissing and hugging is just not this girl's thing. However, I'm going to go with my gut and say that's not the case, as supported by your statement that she's showing other signs of her ambivalence. So, that leaves us with the two possibilities. One, kissing and hugging are troubling to her because of some prior emotional or sexual abuse. Two, kissing and hugging are troubling to her because she doesn't want to get involved with you, and this is her fucked-up, roundabout way of letting you know.
    Ultimately, it's up to you to decide how many licks you want to give this Tootsie Roll before you get to the gooey center. I'm guessing that if you keep at it, she'll eventually open up. But ask yourself — is that what you really want? You say you don't want anything serious, and initiating these types of emotionally charged conversations is a step in that direction. So tread lightly if you're just looking for a little easy lovin'.
    And remember: there are plenty of girls out there who want the same — and they don't skip over first base.


Dear Miss Information,
    After fourteen years of marriage, my wife has left me. It's been more than a year since I've had sex, and for the previous sixteen years my wife was my only partner. Right now I'm nearly desperate to get laid, but at the same time I'm nervous about having sex with anyone else.
    Happily — but confusingly — there are a trio of prospects in view. Through Nerve Personals, I started chatting with a woman my own age with very similar tastes. She and I have been emailing since Thanksgiving, but she's in another city — a plane ride away. Then there's a women in my own profession. We enjoy each other's company and she recently said "yes" when I invited her to a concert. Then there's a very best friend who responded to my marital breakup by saying I'd be perfect for her sister in Canada. I've met the sister several times, and my friend is right: the sister would be great for me.
    Any suggestions or guidance on who I should try to bed at this juncture? I'm ready to have some fun, I don't want to be a jerk to anyone, but I'm not ready to be in another full-scale relationship.

Signed,
Too Many Choices (and I Really Want a Piece of Candy Soon)

Dear Too Many Choices,
    Tell me again why you're writing me for advice when your letter reads like a divorce therapist's wet dream? Let's see. Healthy chunk of time elapsed since divorce — check. Honest, objective assessment of where you are emotionally, as well as sexually — check. Several perfectly viable-sounding dating prospects, none of whom charge by the hour or share bloodlines with your ex-spouse — check.
    So what are you waiting for? Oh, right: you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and you're afraid that by making a choice (or not making a choice) you're going to do so. Well, that's a noble idea, but it's also like going for a swim without planning to get wet. Getting back in the game means you're inevitably going to hurt a feeling or two along the way. And don't think the same won't happen to you, pal.
    The choice of ladies is up to you, but I recommend telling whoever pops your man-cherry that you're not planning on getting serious — beforehand. This is especially important in the case of the last woman; a best friendship is at stake.
    Notice that I said beforehand. Not a terse, two-line email weeks after you've gotten the best blowjob of your non-married life. Good luck with your new situation. And remember, too much candy rots your teeth.  

Previous Miss Info

©2005 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com

 

Commentarium (7 Comments)

Apr 22 05 - 12:04pm
aj

huge kudos on your advice to "too many choices"--
sage and keeping the interests of all at heart.

Apr 22 05 - 8:23am
XXX

Dear MI...

You left out a very real possibility for Neck Romancer's situation: perhaps the woman who would not be kissed on the lips is wary of either spreading or contracting oral herpes.

Apr 22 05 - 11:32am

congrats! already you are doing so much better than most other advicegivers. I like your nice blend of GGM and Dan Savage - keep it up Erin and take over Nerve!

Apr 23 05 - 5:31pm
ehb

ehb

Apr 24 05 - 11:22pm
kt

This is great. I read (only) your Blog-a-Log regularly and I'm happy to see that both you and Nerve have capitalized on your connection with the readers. By the way, I noticed some 'Trojan for her' condoms in the supermarket last week and was reminded of your nice 'coked up Kennedy studying for the bar exam' line.

Apr 27 05 - 12:46am
ld

you have entered your forte' Miss Information. seriously, you read better than dan savage any day. more fun than your blog, too.

May 24 05 - 1:41pm
mw

Wow, you got the goods girl! Give some gay advice now and then and you'll have Savage looking over his shoulder.