Advice

Miss Information

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Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

  

Dear Miss Information,
 
I’m thirty and single. A guy three years younger than me joined my office at the end of last year. At first glance, I liked him, but then I realized that all the other girls in the office were talking about him, too. Then I heard he has a girlfriend who’s a flight attendant. Yeah, a bit of disappointment.

But we continue to chat regardless. We IM each other all day at work and it’s casual (sharing music, stuff like that.) Just two weeks ago, we went out for a group dinner. I sat in his car and suddenly I realized I’ve fallen for him. I’ve started noticing when he’s late to work, when he’s out for a long lunch, all the little stuff.

I know it’s all rubbish. He can’t be liking me. He doesn’t even know how old I really am because I never told him. He thinks I am younger or the same age as him. I know I should just play it cool and not do anything about it. But I’m tempted to steal him away. — Deceptively Yours


Dear Deceptively,

Age-wise, three years is nothing. You’re thirty. He’s twenty-seven. Come talk to me when you’ve dated a twenty-two year old named after a mouse who operates a chain of theme parks. Talk about feeling old. It’s a good thing I have a chronic case of the immatures.
The more you finger-flirt with this guy, the more you’re going to continue to believe this is a real relationship. It’s not. That’s not to imply you should end it. You can keep instant messaging and trading inside jokes about the wang-like shape of the new company logo indefinitely, provided you accept it for what it is and don’t go getting any grandiose notions. "But it’s too late, Miss Info," you say. "I’m already notioned." Well, you have an "Away" button somewhere near that Guitar Hero icon, don’t you? Use it. Put yourself on a chat diet. Only X number of hours allowed, and no more talking about randy topics. Prepare to suffer and suffer hard. Letting go of an office crush is like getting off the rock. The only difference is you still have to come to your dealer’s house each day.
As you taper down your level of daily contact, find something to replace it with. Start IMing with another cute (preferably single) guy, or go for a coffee run with that girl in Creative who always wears those crazy-ass arm-warmers. What’s her deal? Find out.
Finally, always be alert for new information. Relationships have a tendency to break up, and the flight attendant/civilian combination is often a turbulent one. Once they’re on the outs, it’s game on. But keep it quiet around the other girls. You’ve waited too long and put in too much work. You should get first right-of-pounce.

 

Dear Miss Information,
My husband and I have been married for six months and together for three years.  Less than a year into our relationship, I told him that we needed to spice things up in the bedroom. I wasn’t asking for whips and chains, but he’s very vanilla sexually. In return, he has completely shut down on me. He says he feels sexually intimidated by me and that he can’t please me. We have tried one regular therapist for him for more than a year, a couples sex therapist whom after four sessions I couldn’t deal with anymore, books, endless conversations, articles, hints, tears, begging, screaming, threats of leaving, porn, board games, leaving him alone and trying not to bring it up, bringing it up repeatedly. I even offered him an open relationship.
I won’t even get into what this has done to me emotionally, and how he’s crushed my libido and self-esteem (all of which he knows and apologizes for but does not want to fix). He claims he loves me, has not slept with anyone else and doesn’t want to, and doesn’t want me to sleep with anyone else for fear that I’ll leave him.  The last time we had sex was six months ago, on our honeymoon (and it wasn’t a long hot session either) and prior to that, I couldn’t even tell you. What do I do now? I have run out of options. He’
s a good man, but I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life without sex. — Next Step



promotion

Dear Next Step,
Wow. You realize you’ve pretty much left me with no material, sweetie. The only thing I’d suggest is building a time machine so you can jump through some wormholes and terminate the relationship when it’s still just a sexless engagement. Of course, the kids at DARPA just told a University of Washington physicist with the same idea no way, no how, but I’m still planning for a future where we can correct past relationship blunders, use avant-garde toilets, and interact with famous dead celebrities.
I know you’ve had a lot of sessions at the shrink’s office, but has your husband gone for a physical lately? Changed his diet? Looked into the possibility of medication and/or vitamins? A shot of wheatgrass and a trip to the pharmacy aren’t much on their own, but they could do a little damage when combined with ongoing psychotherapy.
Oh yeah, the psychotherapy. Kudos on dumping that couples sex therapist when you realized it wasn’t working. Additional kudos for doing it right away. Now go find a replacement. If you’ve run out of options, be bold and ask a friend or the one you just booted. Shrinks are always good for other shrink recommendations.
Pep talk aside, I’m not exactly bubbling over with hope for the future of this marriage. One partner is willing to flex, the other says he wants to change but refuses to put any workable plan behind it. The problem was there before you got hitched and, slap my ass and call me Susan, it’s still there, bigger and uglier than ever. Next Step, you’re the only one who can decide if the next step is divorce. All I can say on that is, honor your gut and put your own happiness first. It sounds selfish, but we ultimately go through this life alone, and there are no guarantees. You could spend the next ten years trying to get your husband to fuck you, only to find out he’s secretly banging his gym buddy. You can only make the best decision possible, based on the information you have at that time. If you’ve looked at all the information and the evidence is that you’re completely miserable, well. . . that may be something you need to pay attention to. I’m pulling for ya.



Dear Miss Information,
I am currently in a relationship with a guy of "shorter stature".  We have a good sex life so far, mostly great, but there some positions have been problematic. One of my all time favorites is doggie style, but we’ve had so much trouble with him slipping out or me not being positioned right that we’ve almost given up. We end up doing the same positions over and over, with variations here and there. Those positions have been incredibly successful, but after we’ve perfected those, what’s next? Can you suggest any good positions for the girl-is-taller, boy-is-shorter scenario? Tall Girl


Dear Tall Girl,
Interesting article here about short guys and sex appeal in the UK Times. It basically says that being short helped prehistoric males win fights, and made them highly popular with prehistoric honeys. So Tall Girl, you may be on to something there. Sadly, there was no information on sex positions for you and your guy, but that’s okay, because I’ve got a few ideas for you:
Don’t Be a Hero, Johnny: There are sixty-four different positions in the Kama Sutra, and I know of a little book put out by my employer that has more than 365. Resign yourself to the fact that some may be plain old unworkable (screwing in the shower, sex while standing up, a flawless sixty-nine) and get crackin’ on the rest.
Gussy Up the Old Standbys: Try them in different locations (the kitchen vs. the bedroom), add new twists (dirty talk, backdoor fondling, changes in speed or intensity), or pieces of furniture (Mommy, why is the dollhouse broken? What happened to my rocking horse?).
Call in the Prop Department: Go to any bed and bath megastore and you’ll find a huge selection of pillows in all shapes and sizes. Buy a bunch and see if they help even out the height difference. Tubular pillows and other odd shapes can do things a rectangular jobbie can’t. Get a few cheap sheets and ghetto-sew some slipcovers (fabric tape, safety pins, basting stitches, or staples if you’re a gambler like me) to protect your new investments.
Re-Evaluate Your Diagnosis: This penis slippage stuff almost makes me wonder if the problem has less to do with height and more to do with the act of penetration. Is he fully hard before he slips it in? Is he thrusting like crazy? Slow down. An abundance of vaginal wetness might also be a factor. Get a towel and dry off a little. Any positions that allows for deep penetration (missionary with your legs up, you on top) should help you prevent a fallout.
Readers: Any more advice for Tall Girl? How do you and your partner make up for your height or other physical differences?

 


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