I've been in this situation. I didn't realize the weight was piling on, but noticed his desire flagging. I asked him directly, and he said "Er, yes, among other things."

I couldn't blame him, and knew he didn't want to hurt me. I also wanted to lose the weight, so I used the promise of a hotter sex life as the carrot to spur me on.

I lost plenty of weight, and am glad of it, not just because of the improved chemistry.

I'm concerned about the girlfriend who seems to eat healthily and exercise though... is there a nutrition problem here, or does she need to see a doctor?

Ooh, telling your GF, however lovingly, that her weight gain is dowsing your libido will so not work, I'm pretty sure. You might have listened to your mom, but she was also your mom and not someone (hopefully) you were trying to be sexy for. I think the only thing that works here is the Shamu method as outlined in the NYTimes 'modern love' column: The gist of it is 'The central lesson I learned from exotic animal trainers is that I should reward behavior I like and ignore behavior I don't'. This seems to work on Orcas and dogs the same as on the American male or female. You won't get a seal to balance a ball on it's nose by telling him it's bumming you out because it can't. He should continue cooking light weight stuff and go to the gym with her and the positive encouragement never hurts.

I wonder if our "nice" boyfriend has ever put on a bit of weight, had a breakout, or maybe been on the receiving end of a bad haircut? Did his girlfriend decide not to fuck him till the bad haircut grew out, or the zits went away?

Not that either you or I have any idea, but it sounds like Shallow and Sorry's girlfriend went from being unhealthily skinny to a normal weight, and encouraging him to talk to her about her "weight gain" may send her back down the road of eating disorders or something close. You can't help what kind of body you're attracted to, but I still don't think it's appropriate for him to make it an issue when she's finally healthy, especially in the context of their sex life. If he really loves her he'll see that calling her on her newfound health as if it's a problem is destructive and instead he'll start reevaluating why he finds ultra-skinny girls exclusively attractive and try to find beauty in the health and happiness of his girlfriend.

Hey NF. Funny that you reference that Shamu article. That's one of my favorites. I used to use it on an ex of mine.

xoxo
Miss Info

Whether Shallow's girl moved from ultra-skinny to "normal" or from "normal" to somewhat curvy/voluptuous, it's a shame that she's not with one of the MANY guys who, despite what magazines will tell you, adore women with real, adult, women's bodies.

To respond to Shallow -
The weather is supposed to get better soon - try making after works plans to go to walking/jogging/biking/blading in a nearby park - it will help her get in shape and help you deal with stress. Does she enjoy sports? Encourage her to join a company softball team, or purchase Chelsea Piers passes for the two of you to take golf lessons, etc. A great idea (if you are pet people) is to consider getting a dog. Going for walks 3+ times a day is a great way to get physically active and it also is emotionally & socially beneficial.

Not too sure about Answer #2 this time.

I think the part you left out is where she TELLS THE FRIEND that she is just giving things a trial run, and that it is probably not going to mean anything to her, so HE doesn't get attached while she's still running an "experiment" with his emotions.

COMMUNICATION, people!

As someone whose weight goes up and down, your advice to Shallow and Sorry was waaaaaay off base. You just cannot fully recover from the emotional repercussions of that conversation. Women are bombarded with enough unrealistic body expectations from various outlets, and hearing it from a partner just destroys any trust you have in them. Shallow and Sorry, can you deal with the possibility of NEVER seeing her naked again, heavier or not? You would not believe how creative us ladies can get in terms of lights and covering up. I had a boyfriend who didn't see me naked for 6 whole months after a similar talk, and when the 6 months were up, I dumped him. Shallow and Sorry needs to either focus on the things he does find attractive about her or get out of the relationship. And if Shallow and Sorry's girlfriend happens to be reading this - you can find a guy who is just as good or better than him who will find you attractive in all your various weight ranges. Just don't try and stick it out once he's totally fucked over your self esteem. He isn't worth it if he does.

Dear Miss Information,
I first want to say, I love your column like crazy. I pine for the moment when I see a new one appear on nerve's homepage. I just got done reading your response to "shallow and sorry" about his girlfriends weight gain and libido.
I have to say I am all for communication in relationships. The more the better. I do however have some painful memories of being told my extremely minor 5 pound weight gain had been the reason why my boyfriends (I had been told by more than one jerk) didn't want to have sex anymore. Being told you're body turns someone off hurts more than it ever could help. Honesty is pretty important, but respect and consideration are very necessary as well. I know I for one would have liked some white lies and encouragement to jog once and a while. Who knows, maybe I'm just crazy, but I just want to say, having someone you love put you down even in the politest of ways is pretty traumatic.

Love,
CML
theheavydress@aol.com

I think I'm in a similar situation right now, having quit smoking (mostly quit) just over a year ago. I also finished grad school (where I went to regular pilates classes) about six months ago and started an office job (where I'm mostly sedentery). I joined a gym and make as much time as I can for exercise, and manage to go once or twice a week, but I've definitely put on about 10 pounds. I moved in with my boyfriend when I came back from school and we're not having sex like we used to, but we used to be long-distance and totally crazy about each other whenever we saw each other, so I didn't expect it to be exactly the same, but it was really hard when we moved in and all of a sudden we were having sex once or twice a week when I was used to having it every day or so. When we moved in together, at some point, he said, "we owe it to each other to stay hot." Which I thought was really funny at the time, but I think he was kinda trying to make a point. . . the disappointing part is I realize that's probably more of an issue for him than it is for me. I'm going to be attracted to him if he has lovehandles, and I'm still going to think he's super attractive when he loses his hair and gets bifocals, but I don't know if he's going to be attracted to me if I pudge out a little. He idolizes skinny models, and I have that type of shape, but if I'm not toned I get rounder and rounder, my arms get those little flabby things which make me feel totally awful about myself (dude: OLD!). It's only 10 lbs we're talking about, so I don't think we're in dire straits, but what if it turns into 20 or 30 lbs? It's really difficult to make intense, weight-loss-directed exercise a high priority when I'm trying to work extra jobs to pay off school debts, make art (which he finds, I think, as attractive as the physical stuff), keep a kinda clean house, cook most of our meals and relax every now and then. Where do you cut corners? All I'm sayin, Shallow, is give a girl a break. Scheme to plant the thought in her brain when she's well past her cigarette habit, or else she is very much liable to go right back to it. Cigarettes are a good way to stay skinny & they're also very comforting when you feel lonely and rejected. They're also a good way to die early, and we don't want that. Concentrate on health, and consider this little secret of yours one of those little generosities that all relationships need to stay afloat. Remind her how proud you are of her but don't be false. Tell her you want to get more toned, and see if she's down to do it with you-- something fun like a kickboxing class might be entertaining & challenging enough to get her to drop a few pounds. Exercise can be a private thing, too, though-- so if she's not into your schemes, don't sweat it, just get happy that you have someone you're so crazy about (which is certainly hard enough to find) and concentrate on your mutual intellectual / creative hotttness. Finding things to do that celebrate the parts of her you still find irresistable may be your ticket back into bed.

People are right to call "Shallow" shallow... but this is sexual response we're talking about. She said she loves her lover, but her libido's gone down. Some pieces are missing here. Is the loss of the libido leaving a huge hole in their lives? Can there be less pressure on having desire while other things are sorted out, like the partner's health and the writer's work life? While you most certainly should not tell your partner that her extra weight turns you off- that would merit a "fuck you", if not a curt dismissal and end of life together- you could discuss where sex lies on the spectrum of things,and whether you might just be on a break from the hot and heavy. I didn't necessarily read shallowness in your letter, largely because a 20 pound weight gain in a woman seems so small. Maybe once summer rolls around you can go running together and everything will work out.

For aus below, sex once or twice a week is fairly normal after moving in for a while, when you also have other things to do in your lives (and it sounds like you do), so I wouldn't blame that on any weight gain. For Superficial or Scared, haven't you ever seen Revenge of the Nerds? Some of the smart but not so good looking guys are also some of the best in bed! And personality should always count over appearance if you're looking for a long-term relationship, because the hot-looking guys aren't going to look that hot forever. That being said, Miss Info is right that if there's no spark, it's not worth trying to force one, though I don't agree that you should try leading him on and then dumping him if the spark doesn't materialize. There's nothing wrong with being friends with someone you can talk to easily.

Re. "Shallow/Sorry". Your advice is ALWAYS great, but perhaps this time incomplete. The writer comes across as a little bit too much of a control freak. All done for HER benefit, of course. Helen Kaplan Singer and others write that the most common cause of low libido is interpersonal conflict, followed by depression, and medications. Job stress for 2 months may actually be an indirect cause, by triggering cause number 1. Probably he he feels that she could lose the weight if she really wanted to/tried to/cared about him, and the fact that she hasn't pisses him off. Just my take. Could be that he feels that he is busting his ass at this new job, and his resentment about that has made him hypersensitive to her not busting her ass equally to lose that weight.
I would bet money on this, but then Miss Information would know all about me!

Not true at all. As a male with a notoriously inconsistent libido, I'd have to say bringing up the issue would be hurtful, and most specifically of all, pointless.
Fact- if a well operating male libido working in relation to someone loved (or even speaking of just free floating sexual drive), comes across a bit of extra weight, that just gets noted as an "extra": a bit more "dense chafe of flesh" to be enjoyed.
If a male libido is not working at full capacity, nothing will change that. Or rather certainly nothing a partner can do will change that.

Try to speak plainly and explicitly with a woman about her weight gain? And only "endure several days of emotional fallout"?

What planet are you from? Do they have an open immigration policy there? Where do I book the ticket?

My God, Erin, you're usually quite reasonable and a joy to read. But this time....wow. You sent that poor guy into the furnace.

it's just weight gain that gets all of us into trouble.

weight loss can bring out nasty comments. and the people who have a sit-down over these things are usually happy to have you do whatever it is to fix yourself (even if that means surgery). i had someone tell me i'd gottenn too skinny and another that i'd gotten too 'in shape.' too in shape? for sex? crazy. and both times, my feelings ran something like the person below who had gained 120 pounds. i had instant lack of interest in the critic; game over.

Regarding "Shallow and Sorry," the dude is to be commended for trying to honestly and maturely deal with a difficult situation. That said, if a man initiated that conversation with me, I'd dump him without question. Why? It means he's not in it for the long haul. In the spectrum of a long-term relationship, a weight gain of 20 lbs. is pretty minor, and boyfriend's reaction casts doubt on his ability to deal with more important things that life will inevitably dish out, like babies, illness, bad haircuts or --gasp!-- aging.

It's not just the weight. You've got other stuff going on.

S&S has two of the answers at her fingertips: her new job stress and cooking. new job stress is automatic and it needs time to pass. Cooking: if S&S does the cooking, maybe she needs to pay attention to what she is cooking, i.e. skip the pasta pig outs. Also agree with others that the heart-to love talk is a recipe for failure.

Hey y'all, it's Miss Info again. This isn't really supposed to be my space here, I've already had my say in the column. So I'll just say a few things really quick and then get the fuck out:

1. I didn't realize that Shallow & Sorry was female when I answered her question. Interesting twist, right? S&S, sorry for not addressing.

2. Part of what motivated my advice was how irritating it is (to me, at least) to have a partner drop little hints here, little hints there about the elephant in the room. It strikes me as chickenshit passive aggressive and implies that I'm: a. Too stupid to realize what they're trying to do, and B. Too fragile to be able to take any criticism, no matter how sensitive or subtle.

Two things that should have been acknowledged but weren't - partly because my readers are smarter than me, partly because there wasn't enough space in the column - 1. the weight gain that comes from quitting/cutting down on smoking, 2. the general decline in attraction that is normal for any long term relationship.

OK, that's all I have to say. I'm really loving all the discussion. All you guys that are commenting, please remember that if you have any questions you'd like answered in the column, send 'em to erin@nerve.com. I can always use more letters (creative hate mail, as well).

My ex-husband was fond of pointing out all my imperfections in the name of honesty and after a few years of losing weight and losing hair because of stress, I finally said to hell with it and left him. My new husband loves every inch and every pound of me, and he's been nothing but positive. Before my husband I didn't think I was into fuzzy eyebrows and chests and bellies, but they are attributes of his that I absolutely love now. As for twenty pounds, well, my visual appearance seems to shift up and down 8-10 pounds every cycle. My husband loves it though, because I get swollen boobs to go with the swollen belly. :)

Anyway, yeah, not the greatest advice this go-round, but I think all this feedback more than covered the bases. If a person is completely turned off by a gain of twenty pounds, caused by their own positive encouragement to quit cigarettes, they need to either get over themselves or move on.

Hi Miss Information - I was particularly interested in the letter from "Shallow and Sorry" who had lost attraction for his girlfriend after she gained 20 pounds. You asked for feedback about your answer so here it is: I'm a Life Coach dealing specifically with women and weight, diet and exercise issues. "Shallow and Sorry" describes his girlfriend going from an unhealthy life-style to a healthy one and in the process she gained weight. Could it be that she was unnaturally thin to start with? Don't jump to the conclusion that gaining 20 pounds is a bad thing. 20 pounds isn't an outlandish amount of weight for anyone to gain. "Shallow and Sorry" should look at his own shit. The current standard for beauty is culturally determined and he can accept it without question or he can decide to broaden his view. He could also rent "Shallow Hal" and watch it with his girlfriend.