Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
I'm a thirty-four year old male. My fiancée is upset because my good female friend asked me to go to a wedding with her as her beard. My friend is shy socially, and a bunch of her old friends from high school are going to be there. She and I have no history, and she made it clear it wasn't a real date. I agreed, not thinking it would upset my fiancée.
Fiancée has been crying and yelling for a month, and I've caught her a few times going through my phone and my Internet history. She's convinced I'm cheating, and has even talked to a few of my friends from my grad program. Apparently they said something to her the other day that must have reinforced her beliefs, because she keeps throwing in my face how she's going to "catch me."
I'm mad at my friends for betraying me, and I'm mad at my fiancée for being so childish and untrusting. It's a few hours out of a day, and I can't believe it's causing this much turmoil. — Boxed In |
Dear Boxed In,
I'd like to introduce you someone. His name is Human Nature. Human Nature, this is that guy I've been telling you about. The one who has faults people for being people. He also likes to put them in awkward, stressful situations and then get outraged when they don't act totally sympathetic or rational.
Your fiancée is going too far, Boxed In, I agree. Looking in email and internet histories is unacceptable. But her jealousy is somewhat warranted. You guys are going to get dressed up all nice, dance, drink, eat rich food. It's basically like a date, and even more so with you and this chick putting on some weird charade of being a couple. Fuck that noise. I wouldn't be happy about my guy doing that either.
Your buddies have no way to win here. If fiancée is snooping through your shit, I'm sure she has no reservations about grilling the fuck out of them. Sharing information is ingratiating, and a normal response to people leaning on you. Tell me you've never ratted someone out, or shared information you didn't mean to.
If there's a way for you to get out of this wedding without being a total asshole, I would take it. You're this girl's only male friend? She doesn't know anyone else? A gay guy? An online date? The bag boy at the grocery store?
Your friend is going to give you guff, and when she does I bet you'll be deflecting left and right, "Don't blame me for canceling, blame my overbearing old lady." But wait! Isn't a good boyfriend supposed to defend his girlfriend to other people? Isn't he supposed to take her side at all times? I'm disappointed, Boxed In. Very disappointed.
Dear Miss Information,
My last question to you was about online dating, and it paid off — I met the online babe of my dreams. As a committed couple, we've dispensed with condoms and she's gone back on the pill, but it seems to be having side effects. She's been on the pill for her adult life and only went off in the past year, but now that she's back on she is feeling less herself. She lubricates less during sex and her sex drive is down. What can we do to overcome this? I've had successful monogamous relationships in the past, using just the withdrawal method, but my girlfriend is uncomfortable about this option. What else can we do? Is it possible that simply switching to a different brand of pill would help? Or a different form of birth control altogether? Or should we just resign ourselves to the reduced sensation a condom brings? — Sensation Seeker |
Dear Sensation Seeker,
I'm with your cyber-babe on withdrawal. The failure rate is kinda high, though it's still popular in many cultures and countries. You're a Steady Eddie, but your girl may be a Fertile Myrtle. Some can play it fast and loose. Others, like my friend S, can get pregnant just by reading Barry White's bio on Wikipedia. You don't want to risk it.
Vagina desert and vagina sauna are both side effects of birth control pills. She might want to try a new brand or a different formulation. This could mean swapping one side effect for another, and it's not uncommon to make several trips to the drugstore before you get it right. Make sure to take the right backup precautions and have fun freaking out the pharmacist. Wear a big fake pregnant belly and a t-shirt that says "Proud Virgin".
Is the dryness related to her sex drive going from a Porsche to a Pinto? Could be. Could a different birth control pill fix it? Ditto. I can't recommend a specific brand without knowing more about her medical history. (There's that whole business of not being a doctor too). I can point you to this birth control pill guide on Planned Parenthood, and suggest you guys go crazy with the lube. Lube everything. Your parts, her parts, the hinges on your nightstand. If you're squicked out by the slick stuff, try one of the new sprays. They're less gooey and cold going on. I got one in a swag bag at a party, and I'm a big fan.
You guys could also look into something else besides the pill. I know you're in a monogamous relationship and looking for max sensation, so condoms don't necessarily have to be part of that. About.com has a guide to contraceptives that provides a good overview of the major non-condom options. |
Dear Miss Information,
So, the woman I've been seeing is in Australia 'til August. We had no discussion about "ground rules" before she left, both of us being good at avoiding most Important Talks. She hasn't been very receptive so far to the phone sex option, and my current setup doesn't lend itself to cyber sex. How would the topic of an open relationship best be broached? Or should I just keep it in park 'til she gets back? — Grounded |
Dear Grounded,
Keep what in park? Your dick? Or the topic? I guess I'd say "yes" on the first until you get more information on the second. A very casual relationship, the kind where you know a lot about your partner's genitals but aren't really clear on his or her last name, doesn't call for a lot of discussion. But it sounds like you two are a little more serious than that. Write this on an index card and keep it by the phone:
"Hey, I know we left it kind of undefined when we last saw each other. I just wanted to let you know that I'm [interested/not interested] in seeing other people. But I'm open to negotiation. I just wanted to introduce the topic, and get a feel for where you're at right now with this relationship."
Negotiation is pretty much the most important word in the entire paragraph. It covers your ass better than a Kevlar diaper. It softens the delivery and leaves room for an opinion that's divergent.
Just do it, Grounded. Get it over with. Even agreeing on an official "don't ask don't tell" policy is still deciding something. My sister always says, "Deciding not to decide is still deciding." Her vocabulary's a little limited for a woman of thirty-two, but the family is still hopeful. MISS INFO FUN FACT #29221: Did you know that "donger", "doodle", and "old fella" are all Aussie slang for penis? Readers both domestic and abroad, what's the most popular word for penis on your corner of the globe?
©2007 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
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Commentarium (40 Comments)
I'm sick of friends and exes asking each other to weddings! Look somewhere else or don't go to weddings! Who wants to sit with buncha drunk, "so called happy" people and kids running around anyways!
The guy going to the wedding with the freind. He needs to dump the fiance. It is over. She is too controling, and anyway will never trust him in future.
Wethr it is work, with freinds, or whatever, it will not happen without a tamtrum.
Ehe does not trust you. Its done. Just waiting for the divorce.
And she will be vindictive.
Miss Information suggests that Boxed In try get out of the wedding without being a total asshole. I suggest that he go along with his original plan to accompany his friend, and then spare no effort to be a complete and total asshole when getting out of the next wedding, i.e. the one between him and the needy, snooping fiancee. Ewwwww.
I have to ditto the previous comments about Boxed In's fiancee. While he definitely should have cleared these plans with her ahead of time, she sounds like a terribly controlling, petulant brat! Have fun watching your future wife frantically check for semen stains in your underwear when you get home 30 minutes later from work than usual, Boxed In! I usually LOVE Miss Information's advice, but I thought she came down too hard on Boxed In while letting the temper-tantrum girlfriend pretty much off the hook. I say, politely bail on your friend to keep the peace, but also rethink your engagement while you're at it.
Miss Information missed the boat on Boxed In. It wouldn't look good to dump your fiancee over this. On the other hand, I wonder how the arguments have gone. "Don't go to the wedding with Blah Blah! I'll just die!" "But I must- I made a promise to a friend!" Your fiancee is being a silly brat, but you are, when all is said and done, playing for the wrong team. You need to call off the date- it is just not very important- but your fiancee's behavior is extremely disproportionate to the offense, assuming you're telling the whole story. If everything was working correctly, you would have cleared the beard date with your fiancee first- do you normally make plans that take up an entire Saturday night and don't include your woman?- and the conversation would have proceeded more realistically. Her apparent desire to catch you cheating, especially if it is baseless, is so obviously going to blow everything up. Oh well.
Dear god, can honestly justify telling Boxed In that he should walk away from what seems like a very simple, innocuous act of friendship and a chance for tasty high-end free food and drink by going to the wedding when very clearly the problem is that his finance is totally insecure to the point of borderline psychosis? Surely this incident is merely the tip of an iceberg, and various forms of this problem will probably continue to appear throughout the duration of the relationship. Sounds like it could also be a power trip for her too. Walk away, Boxed In, walk away, before it's too late and you've got child support to pay.
Hahahaha. I'm Italian. So, the medical translation is "pene". The most common vulgar word is "cazzo". Others include "verga" (rod), "pisello" (pea - I suppose meaning the pod, not the seed), "minchia" (Sicilian, also a common swear word), "pistolino" (tiny gun, not terribly flattering), and erm, I can't think of any others that are as common without going into the dialectal. Hope this was a fun read :)
Fiancee is overreacting, but it would have been nice of him to consult with her before making this decision. I also can't help but wonder what it is that Boxed In's friends are telling her that is increasing her suspicions. He says his friends "betrayed" him, which is a bit odd if there's nothing to cover. That's not to say that I think that Boxed In is cheating-- it just seems that there's more relevant information that we don't have.
Having been in a relationship where I felt insecure and did something I regret (checking my ex's email), I do feel for the fiancee. She clearly feels really insecure about the whole situation. In my case, my partner was acting different. I checked his email one day and saw a flirtatious email from someone else. He ended up cheating with her. Would it have happened even if I hadn't checked his email and asked him about her? Probably. Do I still feel like I might have pushed him toward her? Yeah. Insecurity made me act in a crazy way. I think there's probably something else in the relationship that is making fiancee feel weird about the situation, and she's acting out irrationally because of that. I don't know that she's a psycho bitch, because as far as I know, I'm not a psycho bitch. It was a personality change in a very long relationship that put me on edge.
in israel penis is: ZION... it's holy, it's special and it's hot. israeli men make the greatest lovers...
I'm from Mexico and boy do we have words for that..."Verga" is the most common, same meaning as italian, "
I feel sorry for anyone who thinks spending time with an opposite sex friend is inconsiderate to a fiance, or something you should "clear" ahead of time. What could be more miserable than having to ask your fiance (mommy?) permission to hang out with your friends? Snooping through his email and internet? Interrogating his friends? Acting suspicious and whiney on a daily basis? This is not how a reasonable, mature adult behaves. Sounds to me like someone is VERY far away from being ready to take part in a loving, trusting, fun partnership/marriage.
Also, what could be more a turnoff than the word "negotiation" with regard to a romantic/sexual relationship? What's wrong with "discussion?"
I'm from the South, where, from the time you know what a penis is, you call it a "thing" (or, phonetically "thang"), although I've graduated to "business" or "man business". However, I have a good friend from South Africa who died laughing the first time I told her about tater tots (remember, elementary school lunch?) because common slang for penis in S.A. is "tot" or "toti".
Well the most popular words for penis in my book would include 'big', 'hard', and 'present while I'm naked'. But I'm in a dry spell, so what do I know?
But I do have some suggestions for your contraception quizzer- 1st you will need a condom that works until you find something else. Even once you start the others it's not immediate and to avoid a baby you need a backup for a few weeks. Try the ultra thin polyurethane ones...my former partner found them to be the most sensitive and I didn't get that gooey, viginitis inducing irritation. They glide...
Next, I didn't get dryness with the pill but the hormones made me an insane bitch. Fortunately I was married at the time so no one cared. I had much better results with the patch and later, the OvaRing. The patch has more recently had some issues with increased clot risk so that's something to look into. The ring was pretty new when I used it so who knows on that one.
In any event Miss Info is right as always- try them all and let her libido sort them out. A good doc can facilitate...good luck.
On Boxed In- it's a date. Friend, whatever. In a relationship you do not date other women. The fiance's reaction stems from this violation. Emotions, insecurity, betrayal all running high. All's fair...
As for the 'friend' I'm with Miss Info, has she NO OTHER MALE anywhere? Come ON! There are plenty of nice guys out there who would be flattered to step in as arm candy and get free entertainment and drunk bridesmaid access to boot.
And I'll take it a step further...sounds to me like the poor dateless friend might have ulterior motives. To be frank, if she was a total hag I doubt the fiance would have reacted so seriously. Didn't anybody see 'My Best Friend's Wedding'?
In my experience men are clueless about such things, and think their girlfriends are psycho when they see it.
To the guy with the controlling fiance, in the immortal words
of Dan Savage, DTMFA. Going ape shit cause you went out with a female friend on a platonic mission of mercy, you have got to be kidding -- run the other direction, fast. You don't want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is incapable of trusting you.
When Boxed In wrote "beard", I assumed that his female friend was gay and because she's shy she didn't want her highschool friends to know, but maybe I'm reading into the word too much. If I were in his fiance's position, and I didn't know or like this friend very much, I would be uncomfortable. Maybe I wouldn't trust her intentions. I would however trust his if I were planning on marrying him, and if I didn't trust him, thought he had feelings for her or something, I would DTMF. But clearly he is not cheating on his fiance with this friend, or he would hardly be opening going to a wedding with her.
That about.com page inexplicably fails to mention the Mirena, which is more effective than a vasectomy in preventing pregnancy (according to http://www.mirena-us.com/faq.html). I wrote them to tell them to add it.
So, assuming that you've both been checked for STIs, etc., and your ONLY concern is not getting knocked up, think about Mirena. It's essentially an IUD that releases teeny tiny little amounts of birth control hormones directly into the uterus. Because the hormone is released directly where it is needed, the dose is quite low; thus, systemic exposure to the hormone is low, which should - in theory - limit side effects (though the Mirena FAQ lists some). Putting it in and taking it out is pretty low-key, but does require a doctor's visit.
Anecdotally, I know of lots of happy users (including my wife). But, I am not a doctor, and do your own research first.
Regarding the guy whose fiancee is freaking out because he's taking a female friend to a wedding, I think you're WAY off base here Erin. People have lives that include members of the opposite sex, and while this particular event may be fairly date-like, the fact is he TOLD his fiancee about it. He wasn't trying to hide annything. He's doing a favor for a friend, and he shouldn't be punished just because it's going to be a pleasant experience for him. My wife and I love each other, are commited in a monogamous relationship, and when either of us can't attend a fun outing with the other for whatever reason, we have friends we go with instead. And some of them are even of the opposite sex!!! We even jokingly refer to them as our surrogate boy/girlfriends. There's no hanky panky, and we TRUST each other. This guy's fiancee sounds like a lifetime of trouble. I would RUN in the opposite direction as fast as I could.
Hi Ms Bradley,
I'm a sometime-reader of your column, and I usually get a good kick out of your advice, or even better, actually find myself nodding my head in agreement with your take on modern relationship mishegas. In any case, I felt like voicing my 2 cents' worth of mental activity when it came to this week's column, because I found myself in total disagreement with your advice! (exclamation mark = I'm not trying to be rude, but...)
On your advice to the dude whose friend wanted to take him to a wedding: as a single, early 30s hetero woman, I've been in the position of having to use a "beard" for big-ticket events like weddings as of late, especially when I knew said wedding would be populated by high school-era former frenemies or a roomful of my many, many intrusive cousins, uncles, and aunts. Although I prefer the term "friend" to "beard," because that's what the evening actually feels like for amigo and me: a night out with a friend, in nice clothing, with free drinks and crappy catered food.
I guess I really questioned why your advice gave such priority to the jealous girlfriend's insecurities. In my case, my friendships with my male friends far predate any of the relationships they're currently in, and I'd be more than offended if said relationships suddenly prevented my friend and I from hanging out, or helping each other out in the way I just described. Cutting off said "outings", in my view, is a slippery slope leading to the decline of all extra-relationships relationships. I'm into buddy loyalty, would be another way to put it. Or at least erring on the side of some compromise between the two kinds of relationships.
In the defense of "bearded" ladies everywhere: being the I'm-not-too-proud-to-be-single chick ALL THE TIME can be a bit much to withstand. Sometimes you just want to go to the wedding and throw your rice at the bride and get drunk on vodka shots and dance the hora with the family, and not have to deal with the million and one questions about why you're still single (or, in my family's parlance, "why I'm not married yet") as you desperately search for someone to chat with at the dessert table or hook up with in the bathroom or whatever. Doesn't mean I won't sometimes go solo but sometimes I just don't feel like being THAT GIRL, you know? Isn't that what the "you + guest" on the invitation is for? I always figured it was.
Those are my two cents. Let's hear it for bearded ladies, and for the male friends who love them (non-sexually, of course)!!!
oh, and just to set the record straight about why I have so much, ahem, experience being a bearded lady-slash-dateless wonder, it's not because I'm too hideous, inwardly or outwardly, to go on a REAL date; I'm actually just working 24/7 to get through grad school, and don't have the emotional energy for dating, nevermind relationships right now. It's unhealthy and it's temporary and if you have anything to say about it, try producing a 200-page dissertation of original scholarship on WILLIAM FREAKING SHAKESPEARE and then talk to me about maintaining an emotionally rewarding social life. Ahem, now back to regular programming.
In Jamaica, the Caribbean, that its, we call the penis, the buddy, or cockie. Don't ask, it just is.
SC - careful not to hide behind w. f-ing shakespeare too long. when you're done with the diss, you might find you still feel like staying home.... from experience: just finish and get on with dating.
Hey y'all, Miss Info here. I totally agree that Boxed In's fiancee is being immature and nutso jealous. However, I do think it was uncool of Boxed In not to talk to his girlfriend before committing. Expecting to go on a fake date with an attractive member of the opposite sex without getting any kind of static is living in Disneyland. I'm assuming Boxed In's number one priority here is his relationship. If he has to back out of a date to restore harmony, it *could* be worthwhile. I've had primarily male friends all my life and I've been the beard girl on numerous occasions. I would never want to go out with a guy if it was going to cause that much shit between him and his girl. I might be irritated about it for sure and think it's unfair, but I wouldn't want anyone to break up over it. I can see the slippery slope argument though - once you start capitulating on one thing, it leads to another and so on and so on. If Boxed In wants to throw his flag in the ground over this issue, so be it. I would probably pick something better/more interesting than bad DJ music and buffet food to hold my ground on, but that's just me. One last thing - those last two sentences were totally sarcastic. Hope that came through. I've gotten a few emails that are making me think it didn't. - xoxoxo Miss Info
"last two sentences"
-In the response to Boxed In, not the paragraph I just wrote.
Concerning contraception... why hasn't anyone mentioned the IUD yet? I'm a girl who is extremely sensitive to hormones (at one point, half of my hair fell out) so I've done a lot of research on contraception for a monogamous relationship that doesn't involve playing with my chemical balance.
The copper IUD available in the US seems to be the most benign. It's been used for decades, the risks and side effects are extremely well documented. Women will probably experience more intense cramping, there is a slightly increased risk of PID (much less if it is a committed relationship) and maybe some spotting for the first few months. Compared with having your hair fall out, becoming psycho bitch and eventually being absolutely comatose with depression... I can take some extra ibuprofen and lay down the rules with the boy (as well as follow the rules myself.) No nookie with others unless you are in a scuba suit, get permission first and agree to go through a decontamination period.
If you trust your partner, and yourself, it's a good option, and while initially expensive, a heck of a lot cheaper over the long run than the pills or injections or implants that have so many effects on the rest of your body.
*kiss K.I.S.S*
I was on the Pill from the age of 17 to 22, and when I came off it, my sex drive rocketed. I couldn't believe how much more sexual desire I felt (including needing to masturbate regularly). I told a couple of my friends, who also came off the Pill, and also said that their sex drives increased. So in a nutshell, yes I think the Pill can really reduce your sex drive.
I don't think Miss Info let the outraged fiancee off the hook. She didn't write in. The LW is not asking for advice about how his fiancee should behave. He is minimizing his agency and avoiding the fact that he should have known better. We are probably not hearing her side of the story. Perhaps she has other reasons not to trust him; perhaps his unkind act of planning to go to the wedding despite it bothering her is part of a pattern of behavior. Is she over-reacting nevertheless? Probably. But he seems to want to stay with her, so the best advice is to get him to think about his own actions, which are the only ones a non-asshole should think he has any control over. He needs to admit that his actions have an effect on his fiancee's feelings. Rather than thinking about whether he should dump her (he doesn't want to, so it's kinda silly to advise him to when he's asking for a different kind of advice) he should realize that he doesn't want to be the kind of person she doesn't want to be married to. He's not going to win back her trust until he can demonstrate contrition and that he understands the place her "over-reaction" is coming from.
If you're in uncomfortable position and have got no money to go out from that point, you will need to take the loan. Because it should help you definitely. I get short term loan every year and feel myself great because of that.
Now you say something