Not a member? Sign up now
May 9, 2007
|
|||||
Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear Sick of This,
I started dating a guy a year and a half ago, despite misgivings about his nicotine and weed addictions. He promised he wouldn't do it around me (and he doesn't, ever). We're in love, the sex is great, and we've been maintaining a long-distance relationship for the past eight months. We're both interested in settling down and moving in together, and he says he's willing to give up cigarettes if that happens. But he's in a grad program and I'm in law school. It will be at least a year before we can even try to live together. |
| Dear Quitter, Holy shit, I need a cigarette. This letter is stressing me out. Normally I'd pull out a stogie, but leaving a warm table full of friends to loiter outside in the cold, and return smelling like industrial-grade dooky stopped being cute, and I quit several years ago. I feel for your guy though. Smoking is awesome. I'd go back to it if it wouldn't. . . you know. . . kill me. Jonesing aside, I think you two set yourself up for failure. If Boyfriend is supposed to quit when you move in together, and you can't move for at least a year, why did you throw down that ultimatum six months ago? Was that a warm-up, or an effort to push the breakup along? If you're afraid of committing to a smoker, why set his quit date for the same date you sign the lease? Is that a good plan? Is that logical? Also, what's with this "do his best" business? I'm not surprised "do his best" was interpreted kinda liberally by your boyfriend. The goals aren't clear (both for his quitting smoking and what you guys want to do career/housing-wise), and the ones you do have, you keep moving around. I think you both have serious doubts about committing to each other. Post-pregnancy hormones are affecting this, sure, but this has been going on for quite a while, like you said. You're in a long-term relationship but living in separate residences, contemplating breaking up, and making life decisions that indicate you're not ready to get more serious. You are torn up by your boyfriend's indecision. You think all you want is this one thing from him. But what would his quitting smoking mean to you? Would it show that he's finally serious about the relationship? Would it be a sign that he cares about you and is sensitive enough to connect with you emotionally? Would it reassure you that he's capable of self-control and carrying something through? These questions are more substantial than a few puffs off a Marlboro. Your boyfriend is probably sick of being criticized. Subconsciously, he's using the smoking issue as a way to forestall commitment. He doesn't see a big problem with his weed and tobacco use, and resents having to take on another person's (your) values as his own. He's seen you through difficult times, and feels like he's gotten little but complaining to show for it. He wonders if you'll continue to be this way in the long term. If I quit smoking, he thinks, what will she choose to criticize me about next? His delaying quitting and putting conditions on it is his way of reasserting his identity and gaining control. Quitter, I think you did the right thing by quitting this relationship. You both feel what you feel very strongly. You gave it an ample amount of time, tried your best to compromise, and it didn't work out. You don't want to date a smoker, and, whether he admits it or not, he digs smoking. You shouldn't have to change, and he shouldn't have to change. That's the golden nugget in all this. It's no one's fault. I know you guys are miserable, and you should expect to be for a time. Quitting people is just as miserable as getting off the smokey treats. If they could make an ex-girlfriend patch or an ex-husband gum, I'm sure we'd be a nation of addicts, calling and hanging up on our exes when the drugstore is closed and we can't get our next fix. |
| Previous Miss Info |
|
©2007 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
Commentarium (15 Comments)
If you really think you have the right to change a major part of your partners, be it smoking, listening to Winger or preferring cats over dogs, you deserve to be single.
Also, anyone who is enough of a smoke Nazi to give up a relationship over smoking deserves to end up with a non smoking dude with the smallest penis and grossest fetishes ever.
"Honey, I quit smoking," he'll say. "But, now I want you to get in this bathtub of ice so we can role play necrophilia!"
Or:
"I quit smoking," he'll say, "So, get in the shower so I can poop on your nose!"
On Sick of This case, there's reason why people filter out people based on race, smoking, kids, location, etc. I think she maybe looking for trouble, waste of time by giving those people a shot BUT I'll stick with Miss Information. Can't hurt to try. Those who filter out maybe missing out BUT me think they are being smart by avoiding potential problems before they begin. Emotions create problems and clouds judgement.
If you really think you have the right to change a major part of your partners, be it smoking, listening to Winger or preferring cats over dogs, you deserve to be single.
Oh bullshit. No one said that you have the "right to change" anyone. The question is whether it's a justifiable deal breaker, and it clearly is.
Why is it, exactly, that it is the smoker's RIGHT to impose the disgusting smells, chronic health problems, and shorter lifespan on the non-smoking partner; but that the non-smoking partner who wants to avoid all that shit is WAAAAAAAAAY out of line? Please, explain to me again how your preference for smoking is more important than my right to breathe clean air.
Yeah, I didn't think so. You poor, poor abused little smoker. The world is full of "smoke Nazis" who just want to abuse you because they hate you personally. Not because, you know, because smoking is disgusting and unhealthy.
"If you really think you have the right to change a major part of your partners, be it smoking, listening to Winger or preferring cats over dogs, you deserve to be single. Oh bullshit. No one said that you have the "right to change" anyone. The question is whether it's a justifiable deal breaker, and it clearly is. Why is it, exactly, that it is the smoker's RIGHT to impose the disgusting smells, chronic health problems, and shorter lifespan on the non-smoking partner; but that the non-smoking partner who wants to avoid all that shit is WAAAAAAAAAY out of line? Please, explain to me again how your preference for smoking is more important than my right to breathe clean air. Yeah, I didn't think so. You poor, poor abused little smoker. The world is full of "smoke Nazis" who just want to abuse you because they hate you personally. Not because, you know, because smoking is disgusting and unhealthy."
Huh? Say what now? But... he already doesn't smoke around her, "ever," or so the letter-writer said. And he said he would quit in a year, and it hasn't even been a year yet. There are many viable reasons to break up with someone, and you don't even need a reason, necessarily, but complaining about you boyfriend who smokes but who doesn't smoke around you and who hasn't even reached your own deadline for making him quit... well, maybe you have another reason for breaking up with him. Which the letter-writer clearly does.
As for grouchy-pants comment leaver here; well, one nice thing about smoking (which I do, but I don't do it around my girlfriend, and I go outside to do it) ...but one nice thing about it is that it helps to drive away humorless grumpy people like yourself. You're welcome.
Oh, and Erin, I'm still waiting for your submission to TNVB. Love ya!
What a great letter to Quitter. Miss Information rocks.
WWW - Perhaps the solution for you and other grumpy, sad miserable fucktards likes you - is to not date someone who smokes in the first place.
Hell, I'd never, ever date someone who didn't smoke (mostly because so many non smokers are assholes like you).
One of the things I like about smoking is that it keep self righteous asswipes like you out of my life.
Hope you continue to have fun moralizing on the world and, even more so, I hope you never get laid again.
I've been a non-smoker all my life. I tried dating a smoker once, but it didn't work out, even though she didn't smoke around me. Enough nicotine stayed in her mouth that kissing her for any length of time gave me a huge headache. So there is a reason for wanting your mate to quit aside from the impact on their health.
Wow, I love how in both the letter and the feedback, the abortion is treated as a footnote to the smoking issue.
JCF - I have problem with people who prefer to date non smokers. My problem is with people who knowingly date smokers and then bitch about the fact that they smoke. Going out with a guy who smokes and then giving him a world of shit about him smoking is no different than asking out a chubby girl and then berating and/or dumping her for being chubby!
All you do is hurt your partners self-esteem, frustrate yourself and waste each other's time. My objection is people who try to change their partner and then act like bitches or dicks when they realize they can't.
I'm not against non smokers. I'm against misery.
Ooops!
That should have read:
JCF - I have NO problem with people who prefer to date non smokers. My problem is with people who knowingly date smokers and then bitch about the fact that they smoke. Going out with a guy who smokes and then giving him a world of shit about him smoking is no different than asking out a chubby girl and then berating and/or dumping her for being chubby! All you do is hurt your partners self-esteem, frustrate yourself and waste each other's time. My objection is people who try to change their partner and then act like bitches or dicks when they realize they can't. I'm not against non smokers. I'm against misery.
--BJC
"do your best" is never good enough. if the long-term love was there, he would have stopped soon after the issue was raised. The abortion is just another (sadder) clue.
On quitting smoking...who cares if he smokes if he doesn't smoke around you. You could cross that bridge when you get around to living together. But breaking up immediately after a traumatic event like an abortion seems a bit rash to me. Too much emotion at a time like that to make big decisions. I'd say get a handle on how you feel about the abortion, then handle the relationship question.
As for race...I dated a guy with a thing for Asian women. It made me horribly insecure since I'm the polar opposite in appearance. I don't know why anyone prefers a certain race, hair color, height, or whatever and I don't care. I'm happier dating guys who salivate over tall, leggy blondes wearing glasses so I can fit their vision of a dream girl without heavy plastic surgery and/or having my femurs shortened. My own preferences are broader for a man's appearance, but his not being totally into me sexually is a major dealbreaker no matter what his reason.
I would never date anyone who actually excluded certain races from consideration, regardless of whether I was the 'right' race or not.
Hi,
I don't really suppose that this will ever find it's way to the advice giver(s?) but if it does, I would like to say that this is the most astute advice column I have ever read. I'm not single and not presently in need of advice about my relationship status (which is "still madly in love after five years") but I am going to recommend this column to all my friends. Wow.
even if you "don't smoke around" someone or "go outside to do it" the smell is still a big problem, even if you do stuff like brushing your teeth and showering (which defensive smokers are not likely to be willing to do for their partners if the basic consideration of not smoking is beyond the pale)
Now you say something