Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
I have breast implants. They're perfect for my small frame, and most people would never detect them. I've gone on a few dates with a man who's really liberal. Somehow, the subject came up, and he's not a fan — "women who get implants are insecure, and they always look fake," and all sorts of judgmental blathering. I'm very secure with my decision, and have a master's degree! I don't even know if he's completed college! I think he and I are about to be intimate. Should I tell him or wait? I've been dating for a few years, and this scenario happens so often. — Busted |
Dear Busted,
I don't have implants, but I have something that's also a dealbreaker for some men — a lower back tattoo (LBT). I got it when I was nineteen. At that time, all the bimbos and himbos were getting ink on their ankles. As far as tats go, it actually was a kind of unique spot. Cut to ten years later, low rise jeans, Britney Spears, jokes on Jimmy Kimmel, and all of a sudden I'm this stereotypical party slut who has the Chinese character for "Too Stupid to Live" permanently etched above her underwear.
I've been on numerous dates where guys have ripped on tattoos and LBTs in particular. If it's a first or second date, I'll ignore it. If it's a casual makeout or random fling, I probably won't say anything about it before entering the bedroom. If you don't know my middle name, you don't need the story behind my tattoo. You're probably too drunk to remember, anyway.
But if the relationship seems like it's going somewhere, I let it all out. How poorly it was done. How it looks like a cross between a cat and a monkey. How I would never consider removing it because it's a reminder not to take myself so goddamn seriously. And you know what? I've never lost a date, dude or boner because of it. Not one.
Apply my little LBT fable to your breasts. Stand up for yourself, but choose your battles. Is it worth getting in a loud debate with a guy you know you'll never go out with again anyway? Should you blow off Mr. Gorgeous Sensitive Dreamboat just because he shot off at the mouth? Your coolness will come through and that'll win a lot of undecideds over. If not, fuck 'em. I'm sure you'll attract plenty of guys who'll have no problem with you and your surgically altered rack.
Dear Miss Information,
I'm seventeen, and I have a prom next week. I'm friends with my date, but I'd like to be more. We're both shy, hard-to-read people, and I have no idea where I stand. I'm too scared to ask, and I hate the manipulative, roundabout tactics my friends use to find out (you know, elaborate schemes involving at least seven people). So prom feels like kind of a good time to figure out what's going on. . . — Lacking Key Social Skills |
Dear Lacking Key Social Skills,
Confessing your feelings at prom is a bad call. For one, it's cheesy and expected. For two, it's manipulative, and you've already said you're a no-smoke-and-mirrors kind of girl. Prom is rife with nervous energy, inflated expectations and intense social pressure. You must have a magical evening, no matter what. Worried about disappointing you, or dazzled by the disco lights (and perhaps a little Mad Dog), your guy may profess his love. Come Monday morning, it's, "Oh no, what the fuck did I do?" and you find yourself dumped. Conversely, he could really like you, but not want to make a big social event your first public appearance as a couple. He acts cold and weird, you take it to mean he doesn't like you and the greatest high school romance since Dawson and Joey dies right there on the dance floor.
If you're going to do it, make your move after prom. Keep it as casual as possible. Say something like:
"Hey, this might sound strange, but I really like hanging out with you. I was wondering if you've ever thought about being more than just friends."
If you've asked that in the past and he's dodged or acted evasive, go with Option B:
"Hey, this might sound strange, but I really like hanging out with you. I was wondering if you've ever thought about going on a date with me."
It's probably going to go over really awkward and not at all romantic. Kind of like tripping in your high heels over balloons and crepe paper and mashing tongues to bad R&B. Enjoy your prom for what it is, and sort out the relationship stuff later. That romantic moment you think you're missing probably wasn't all that romantic to start with. Readers, any interesting prom stories? BTW, watch my MySpace page. I'll be posting some truly hideous prom pictures shortly. |
Dear Miss Information,
I've been with my boyfriend for a few years, and we've lived together for the past two. We're in love, have great sex, all the things we want in a relationship. But sometimes he tries to have sex with me while we're asleep. In the middle of the night, I'll feel him trying to pull off my underwear. Or I'll be woken up by him climbing on top of me and trying to fuck me. It usually freaks me out, and I push him off, telling him to stop. In the morning, I recount the story and he says he has no recollection of it. The other night, it happened again, and I did my usual routine of telling him to stop and pushing him off me. The next morning, however, he said he'd woken up a bit while it was happening and was confused because he didn't understand what was going on. I think he freaked himself out. I've read some articles recently about this sort of thing. Is there anything we can do about it? Or should I just resign myself to nights of sleep sexing? — Sex in My Sleep |
Dear Sex in My Sleep,
Okay, given your lovey-dovey relationship and otherwise normal sex life, I don't think your boyfriend is some control freak psycho who think it's all right to play Sex Offender Sandman whenever you drift off to sleep.
Your boyfriend's behavior sounds more like a sleep disorder than anything. Unlike a dumbass neighbor who plays bagpipes (I actually have one — I'm not just adding that for color), sleep disorders are unique for each person and often have complex underlying causes. In the science world, they're known as "parasomnias," and include behaviors like sleepwalking, night terrors, teeth grinding and restless-leg syndrome.
Do pussy gatecrashing and other unwanted sexual advances constitute a genuine sleep disorder? The whole thing is pretty controversial. Some people go beyond groping their loved ones and have found themselves in bed with total strangers. There are a couple cases in court right now where the "sleep sex" phenomenon is being used as a defense against rape charges.
First place I would look is his medication. More specifically, the latest crop of prescription sleep aids. People are peeing in the middle of intersections, riding motorcycles, eating uncooked rice and buttered cigarettes. If your boyfriend's on one, make him get off it or find a replacement. There are several different meds out now that have been successful in alleviating various parasomnias.
Practicing what the National Sleep Foundation calls good sleep hygiene will also help. Get enough sleep and the same amount of it every night. Cut down on caffeine and crank, and no more beef jerky and cotton candy before bedtime.
The majority of sleep disorders have a psychological component. If you've tried the above and it's not working, get him to go see a therapist. You're suffering, too, so consider whether you need own headshrinker, or double the fun and go to couples counseling.
Finally (and you knew this was coming), what about separate beds or bedrooms? It's one of the hippest trends in home building, according to this article. There's something sexy and summer camp-like about visiting each other's bedrooms. What you lose in cuddle you make up for in quality sleep and prolonged novelty. You're going to want both if you're in it for the long haul.
©2007 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
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Commentarium (29 Comments)
My live in GF has said several times that if we are ever able to afford a two bedroom apartment she'd love to have separate bedrooms for the romantic aspect of visiting each other's room for sex, plus the practical aspect of not having to listen to each other snore on nights when sex is not on the menu.
Figuring out "Does he/she like me that way or not" is all part of the "fun" of being 17. You're right not to try any of the seven-friend schemes. I had this done to me a couple of times in high school, so I can say it either weirds the guy out, or he starts thinking that one of those friends is actually the interested party, and goes the wrong way. The best way to do this is just to ask him out, to do something fun, and see what happens. You don't have to call it a "date." If he does go out with you, but doesn't try to go further, at least kiss him on the cheek at the end of the "date," and let him know you had fun and would like to do it again sometime soon. That will probably get you somewhere, but if it doesn't, chalk it up to experience that will help you in your post-high-school years. None of this has to be timed to prom, which doesn't really matter as much as everyone thinks it does.
Erin, I'm kind of at a loss at what the problem if for the chick with the middle-of-the-night horny boyfriend. She has sex with him in the daytime, why shove him off at night, unless he tries to pound right in when she's totally unlubricated? She kind of makes it sound like an assault.
I find wake-up sex to be great fun, and the girls I've been with have liked it also, to the point of complaining when it stops happening. Elevating it to the status of a disorder seems a bit extreme.
["he starts thinking that one of those friends is actually the interested party"] OMG, I actually had that happen to me in high school. So awkward. Then you don't get the guy *and* you're mad at your friend. But you can't show it because you put her up to it in the first place. ****Re: the sleep disorder guy: His girlfriend actually said in her letter that she found it creepy and upsetting, it just got edited out. I think it goes beyond a surprise morning wakeup. Maybe the penetration angle makes it more difficult for you to empathize. Would you like to wake up with a cock in your ass that you didn't know was going to be there? Just something to think about...
xoxox
Miss Info
ah yes, my boyfriend has done that in the past a few times. luckily for him, i'm usually receptive, since the sex while i'm sleeping thing is a turn on for me.
since we've lived together, it hasn't happened. is sleeping in the same bed a new thing for you guys?
If prom girl is 17, I have to wonder whether she even knows Joey and Dawson :p
Regarding Busted, I feel compelled to point out that the guy she's dating is not necessarily a judgmental jerk. Sexual signifiers can be deeply irrational (like, I know full well that women who wear glasses aren't necessarily smart, but I'm a sucker for it anyhow). And I can't help feeling -- not thinking, but FEELING, on a gut level -- the same way Busted's guy does about breast implants. No matter how "perfectly" they're done, I flat-out don't like the way they look, either in porn or in real life. Nor do I like the aesthetic judgments and assumptions behind them. Everything about them actively turns me off. And seeing as how Busted has encountered this attitude "so often" in her dating, her guy and I aren't the only ones.
I don't disagree with the advice (after all, what can she really do about it now?), I just feel like there's another side to the story here. It reminds me of the advice from a couple weeks ago to the girl who met a great guy she wasn't attracted to: if someone doesn't do it for you that way, you won't be able to force it.
And I do have to wonder what her master's degree and educational superiority have to do with the subject at hand...
In regards to Busted's query, I would also like to point out that when questioned about their opinion on breast implants by a potential mate, the immediate response might be to show their (real or imagined) hatred, in order to maintain the image of liberal, sweet, likeminded guy. Bear in mind that Busted did not mention to him that she doesn't have implants, she just brought it up in conversation. Perhaps he was trying to protect his interests.
Re: the boyfriend who tries to have sex with her when she's asleep:
My boyfriend does this. Usually when he's too stressed out to relax and have sex while he's awake. Now that a stressful period of his life has passed, we're having sex more often while awake. So might that be part of something?
My boyfriend is also somewhat repressed, which again contributes to his nighttime escapades--he's relaxed, his defenses are down, etc.
Sometimes I go with it, but it got the point where it did start to annoy me. I learned to roll over and ignore him. Even when asleep, he got the message.
When I read the second bit of advice, I kept seeing the word "porn" instead of "prom." That little Mad Lib made the response really funny... kind of like adding "in bed" to a fortune cookie. Maybe LKSS should treat the situation by adding "porn". Not literally, but figuratively. Don't take it so seriously. I agree with Miss Info: be calm and casual and then, if the evening goes well, bring up the possibility of upping the ante. Kind of like "That was fun, let's do it again" after any good date.
Erin, I agree with your advice to the woman with the implants. Here's a guy's take. If a woman asked me before getting it done, I'd advise against it (I did this with a friend of mine). I figured if a guy was measuring womanhood by bra size, she should take a ruler and say "OK, let's see what you've got. No pressure."
Since the woman already had them done, if the guy thinks she's attractive, then it shouldn't matter if she's got implants or not. If it's a deal breaker, then she can do better.
I haven't been on Nerve for ages so I'm sorry to see you're no longer blogging. Your insight and wit are wonderful. At least you still do this column. Being drop dead gorgeous doesn't hurt either. I'm not a fan of LBTs but if I let a little ink ruin my opinion of the woman, it's time my knuckles stopped dragging on the ground.
Best to you!
Dear Erin,
I just read your advice to "Busted," in thread http://www.nerve.com/Regulars/MissInformation/109/, and I think your advice was right on. I am a man, and I just wanted to say that, as repetitive as it may sound, a woman's body is her own. If a girl has a tattoo, or body augmentations, it shouldn't be an issue.
Good on you.
****If prom girl is 17, I have to wonder whether she even knows Joey and Dawson :p --CD**** I thought about this. I wanted to use something more current but I don't know the names of the people on the OC and neither did any of the squares at my office. SIGH. xoxox Miss Info
Hi, I`m now in my 60`s but just wanted to give my two cents,when i was in my 20`s and 30`s i would often wake up in the middle of the night and with a boner that would not die and the best place was right there beside me.Well just move the panty`s over a bit and slide it in and get the relief.The first couple of times my partner would be a little irritated but as time grew,she would enjoy it and actually look forward to it.My present wife ,now for 19 years has her own love ideas and they are not always like mine,so now i follow her rules or go without for months at a time. Miss the good ole days .
I was in a year-long relationship with a girl who asked, no *begged* me to have "surprise" sex with her when she was asleep. I was weirded out by it at first because it felt a little rape-y to me, but eventually once I got over it and saw how insanely turned on she got when I did it in the middle of the night, it became a pretty regular occurence. Maybe the letter writer's man, Mr. SleepyBoner, needs to find another girlfriend who loves that sort of thing; or maybe she can just find a way to get into it for him. Otherwise, it's separate beds time!
If Busted's implants are 'perfect for her small frame', why did she have to get them artificially enhanced? I'm female and I think natural breasts of all shapes and sizes are beautiful, but I hate the trend for getting implants. It seems to me that one of the reasons people dislike implants is that, unlike tattoos, it seems like a deliberate deception. If this guy also feels that way, then it's unlikely that he and Busted are compatible. More importantly, from her description of his opinion as 'judgemental blathering' and her comment about his education, it sounds like she doesn't even like him! So why bother taking the relationship to the next stage? As Miss Info says, there must be lots of men out there who don't mind fake breasts, and it sounds like Busted would be better off with one of them.
My junior prom story: I went with my friend Amy (a freshman at the time), thinking we were going to go together (and hoping things might blossom). She thought we were going to the prom "together" in the sense that I would pick her up and that we'd arrive at the same time. She ended up ditching me (though she didn't perceive it that way) and leaving with a girlfriend who had had some kind of emotinal trauma at the event with a boy that she liked so that she could go cry on Amy's shoulder.
But here's the good news, LKSS: Amy became and has remained one of my best friends (I even came back as *her* junior prom date), and now 27 years later, I always stay with her and her family when I visit Los Angeles, where she moved (and I always razz her about ditching me at the prom). She's not family, but she is only one step removed, and we know we can always count on each other. Life is long, LKSS, and whether or not there is some kind of awkwardness with your date, if you're good friends, you'll find a way to make something good work. Good luck, Robert
thank god for mad dog.
Prom didn't suck, and it wasn't amazing either. I never confronted him and life went on as usual. I'm still really good friends with the guy and nothing has changed except that I'm a little more chill about this "he loves me, he loves me not" thing. Honestly, if he doesn't like me enough to conform to accepted gender stereotypes and ask me out on his own initiative, then I'm not going to spend time worrying about it.
Besides, I graduate high school permanently in 2 weeks. A boyfriend sort of pales in comparison.
Thank you for the advice! It helped me go in without expectations and I got if nothing else some very very cute photos.
Busted: immature, uneducated people who think they know everything tend to project stuff like "insecure" onto people who do things they don't understand. Why do you want to date one of these people again?
For Busted--obviously, your implants look great if the guys you date don't like implants. People in general seem to think that all implants look fake, gross, round, hard, lopsided, etc. Yours obviously look natural (Can you give me the name of your surgeon) or the guys that hate them would've been able to spot them and not have been interested to begin with. A good boob job can look natural. Not everyone goes large and high, some of us want our breasts to look natural, just bigger. If he's into you otherwise, your implants shouldn't matter. If he dumps you for it, then he's the shallow one with issues, not you. As to "SMH" who doesn't understand what Busted's education matters, it's because he (like most people) seem to think that women that get implants, are stupid and shallow. She obviously is not, hence the degree. That's why she brought it up. As to "EG" who says "If Busted's implants are 'perfect for her small frame', why did she have to get them artificially enhanced?" that's because only after her implants, did her breasts match her frame. They didn't before. They were too small before, hence the implants. Busted, the men you are dating are just shallow and jumping on the "I hate breast implants" bandwagon. Ask those men if they would've been attracted to you with your smaller breasts, and we'll see who's the shallow one.
8Z2GfI Interesting, but still I would like to know more about it. Liked the article:)))
Strange but true. Your resource is expensive. At least it could be sold for good money on its auction...
Comrade kill yourselfff
Very amusing thoughts, well told, everything is in its place:)))
I subscribed to RSS, but for some reason, the messages are written in the form of some hieroglyph (How can it be corrected???
Of course, I understand a little about this post but will try cope with it...
Develop the topic further! It is interesting to know more details!!!
Honestly, not bad news...
Now you say something