Advice

Miss Information

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Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

  

Dear Miss Information,
 
I’m twenty and have been with my boyfriend for more than a year. We are deeply committed to one another and have a great deal of mutual respect. We have a lot of sex and I come regularly. But physically, I’m not his type. He’s into tall blondes, and I’m a short brunette. This manifests itself in passionless sex: my body doesn’t turn him on, and, in turn, I don’t get turned on. Is this a dealbreaker? Or should I get over this hang-up and surrender myself to this otherwise flawless relationship? — Chococat


Dear Chococat,

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You’ve been with this guy for more than a year, having sex that consistently results in orgasms. “Deeply committed” and “great deal of mutual respect” are the phrases you use to describe the relationship. Yet you’ve somehow decided your boyfriend thinks you’re a hideous troll. Given the opportunity, he’d throw you over for a leggy blonde stranger and leave you crying into your cellphone. A few inches of height and your hair pigment are just that important.
That’s a pretty weird conclusion, Chococat. I’m wondering how you arrived at it. Did you take a few fair-haired exes, some random snippets of conversation, and a preponderance of Blonde On Blonde On Blonde tapes in his porno collection and use them to cobble together this neurosis? Or has your guy said flat out that he doesn’t find you attractive, or implied it through a series of digs and critical remarks?

If it’s the first scenario, you need to chill. Few of us are matched with our exact physical ideal. It doesn’t mean we’re miserable. The source of the passionless sex might be you. Not because you’re petite and brunette, but because your insecurities are affecting your performance. You go through the motions (kiss, pet, oral, penetrate, repeat) but don’t throw in any extras (quickies, anal, costumes, dirty talk, cup holder). Half because you feel a little angry and rejected “Why does this asshole deserve it? He doesn’t even want me” half because you don’t feel confident, a prerequisite for heavy-duty, extra-strength awesome fucking.
If it’s the second scenario, he needs to chill. It’s fine to share with your partner what you find sexy. But it needs to be done in a general context. Blaming your lack of interest on something your partner can’t control is totally unconstructive. What are you supposed to do? Get one of those leg-lengthening operations they’re showing on the Discovery Channel? Actually, maybe he’s the one who needs the operation. A lobotomy to remove the part of his brain that says it’s okay to have a very specific standard of beauty but still pursue relationships with women who don’t meet it.
The following recommendations apply to either scenario: 1. Tell him to shut up about his blonde fetish. You don’t want to hear it. 2. Put it out of your thoughts. Keep a rubber band on your wrist or a picture of Charo on your screensaver to remind yourself that you’re re-training. 3. When you have sex, focus on the other senses. There’s more than just the visual, and how you look is only a very small part.

 

Dear Miss Information,

I’m in my late twenties, and I’m seeing a guy in his early twenties. He’s in the military, into bodybuilding and heavy metal. I’m the opposite of all those things: against the war (but support the troops), can’t remember the last time I jogged and listen to Bread. I can’t imagine a sex life without oral pleasure, and my guy is under some macho assumption that giving oral to a girl is gross. But he’s happy to receive. I have told him that I consider oral sex essential but he doesn’t seem open to the idea. We’ve had sex twice, and I can’t tell if he’s completely selfish in bed or just inexperienced/unadventurous. What can I do to convince him to go down on me? Or this is a lost cause? — Tricked Twice


Dear Tricked Twice,
Assuming he’s a potential keeper, you might want to give it some time and see if he gets more into it. Some people consider oral sex more intimate than penetrative sex and will happily give head you just have to wait for it. Like you said, it’s too early to tell whether he’s not into eating pussy or doesn’t know what he’s doing and is using the “I don’t like it” excuse as a cover-up.
On your seventh or eighth fuck and still no action? Start asking questions. Is it a smell thing? A taste thing? Has he done it to anyone before? Did he like it? Not like it? Does he like watching it in porn movies? Is there some kooky sexual shit in his past? Do his buddies not do it for their girlfriends? His reasons, and your feelings regarding their validity, will help you make that call on whether or not you want to consider sleeping with him.
I do want to warn you against making a snap judgment. Sex is free form, Tricked Twice. It’s not transactional or symmetrical. Just because you go down on him doesn’t mean he has to give you oral. Most people usually get oral in that kind of situation, but both parties have to want it. Just because he finds something unappealing doesn’t mean he’s a selfish prick. It just means you’re not going to get oral. And it’s totally up to you to say, “Hey. You’re nice and all with your cute little uniform and huge biceps, but I need to date a guy with a hearty appetite for vagina.”
If you do stay, you must be willing to accept that he does not — and might not ever — like oral. You can try to overcome any obstacles raised during your Q&A period, but after that? No bitching. Which sucks. It might help ease some of your angst if he found other ways to show his appreciation for your vagina. Naughty Polaroids, extensive compliments, prolonged finger banging, a heavy-metal haiku on your pillow. There are also compromises. Kisses on the thighs and exterior surface area. Kisses and hot breaths blown through a thin pair of cotton or silk panties. He just may get caught up in the heat of battle and go for it after all.

 


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