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Dear Miss Information,

I’ve never had a wet dream. I’m in my thirties! I know it sounds strange but I’d like to have this experience. Are there any tricks to bring one on? Should I just not masturbate for a while? Desert-Like


Dear Desert-Like,
What’s so appealing about waking up with a sticky cock and wet sheets? Not being there for the orgasm but still having to do the laundry?
Not everyone has wet dreams. Some people do, some people don’t. Girls can get them as well as guys, although it’s usually less embarrassing as a houseguest. For men, they’re most common during the teenage years. A guy your age might have a more difficult time.
There’s no confirmed link between nocturnal emmissions and frequency of masturbation. You might get one if you go for a long time without having sex or masturbating. How long? I don’t know. Three or four weeks, maybe. Hopefully you don’t have a girlfriend or boyfriend. If I were them, I’d get pretty annoyed. (Also damp, if your mission is successful.)
It probably wouldn’t hurt to look at some porn before bedding down. Abstain from sleeping pills and alcohol, and try going to bed naked if you usually wear clothes. Maybe you are having the occasional wet dream, and the output is absorbed by your flannel boxers. If you sleep naked and your bedsheets are white, switch over to a dark color. If you are having wet dreams, the jizz stains will show up quite nicely. (I can’t believe I’m actually telling someone how to get a stain versus remove one. Forgive me, Good Housekeeping).
If these tips don’t work, you might be at a dead end. You’d be thanking your lucky stars you had this problem if you were born in the nineteenth century. Back then they called involuntary jizzing "spermatorrhoea," and treatments included castration and devices like this saber-toothed bit of awesomeness, meant to be worn around the block and tackle. Looks comfortable, right?
One last squirt of wet-dream trivia: the chronic fear of wet dreams is called oneirogmophobia. What I want to know is why serrefine was the winning word in this year’s National Spelling Bee. That word’s cake compared to this one. C-A-K-E. Cake. And can you imagine the look on the thirteen-year-old boy’s face when he asks for the definition and word origin? Sheer agowilt.


Dear Miss Information,
I’m a gay male. I broke up with my boyfriend of three years in December. A few weeks ago, I started dating someone new, the first guy I’ve dated in any sort of serious fashion since my ex. The thing is, I’m not exactly infatuated with him. If anything, what I like most about him is that he’s dating me — having someone be into me is helping me rebuild my shattered self-esteem, and his companionship makes me less lonely. I’m also physically attracted to him, and I like him as a person. But I know I’m not into him the way he’s into me, and I’m fairly certain this relationship won’t last through the summer. Essentially, I’m using it as a crutch to help me get through this difficult period in my life. Is this wrong? Half-Crushed

Dear Half-Crushed,
Sort of. But it’s understandable. You just got out of a long-term relationship. There’s a potpourri of feelings associated with that. You’re fragile and ego-starved, but antsy and horny at the same time. Daters like you are best kept in a protective bubble to prevent you from doing damage to others. Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s legal. Besides, y’all would just find ways to hook up with each other inside the bubble.
It’s not easy to break up with someone for some esoteric reason. Good sex, fun times together and an affection for the other person make it hard. You think, "Gee, Roger likes me so much, I’m doing him a favor by hanging out."
Yeah, but no. You know your boyfriend will grow more attached with time. His affections will go less and less returned, and the way he feels about himself will be affected. He’ll probably start liking you even more than he normally would’ve, because we always fall for the person who doesn’t want us. You are essentially passing on what you got from your boyfriend.
Try setting some expectations before you do a full break-up with him. "Hey, I really like you, but I’m just out of a long-term relationship, and I get the feeling that you’re more into this than me. I don’t see this going long-term, but if you’d like to keep it going on a more casual basis, I’m totally open." Then back it up with action. Don’t floss in front of him and don’t ask him to gay college prom mixers. We shouldn’t automatically assume people can’t handle it. It’s good to offer a choice.
If you keep getting "I’m hurt" signals, you have to do the right thing and dump him. You will be sad in the short term, but companions are everywhere. Find another person who really wants to be casual. Sublimate your sexual/cuddle urges with this fuck friend, until you find someone you really dig who digs you. If you want to be super-duper good-guy emotionally healthy, consider taking some time off dating. It’s summer. Have some fun. Get a spray-tan heart on your ass, or take a road trip to somewhere ridiculous, like Atlantic City or Graceland. Now is a great time to be single.


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