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|Dear Miss Information,
What to do when your good friend — a girl — tells you she has fallen for you? I’m female. I’ve know this friend for a year, and this confession came out of the blue. I feel like I want to vomit each time I think of her. What can I do? — Vomiticious
Don’t vomit on her. That’s the first thing. I vomited on Carrie Elledge on a class trip to a printing press in the fifth grade. She immediately stopped being friends with me and started giving Laurie Bennett the other half of her Fruit Roll-Up. How was I to know I had a severe allergy to the smell of printing ink? Bitch.
I don’t think it’s the smell of lesbians that’s nauseating you. So what’s causing these strong feelings? Are you repulsed by the fact that she’s gay? Are you worried that you might have feelings for her? Maybe you really care for her and are sick at the thought of having to tell her that the feeling isn’t mutual. Do you feel pissed off or betrayed? You guys share everything. Everything. Why the fuck did she not tell you?
Chew up some Pepto and try to work through some of those queasy feelings before you talk to her, especially if you’re feeling the urge to grab her by the shoulders and ream her out. Boil it down to three or four major emotions and fears that go along with those emotions and assemble them all into this Gay Crush Mad-Lib:
"Hi, [lesbian friend name]. When you first told me you liked me, I felt [emotion] and [emotion]. I’m sure you felt [emotion] and [emotion] too — am I right? I’m concerned that you’ll [action] and I’ll [action] and we’ll both wind up feeling [emotion] about it. Or [emotion]. I’m [adjective] at this. I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me what’s going on inside your [body part] right now? I’d love to know." You can use different sentence structures and shades of fuzzy unicorn pen, but the idea is to keep the conversation very fluid and open-ended, with plenty of opportunities to jump in and interrupt.
It’s natural to get all "me, me, me!" when you’re feeling so freaked out. Try to remember her feelings. You might have to go through this once or twice. She’s going to have to deal with this off and on for the rest of her days. The way you react can help shape her. It’s an updated version of the Big Brothers, Big Sisters program. So be cool, Vomiticious.
|Dear Miss Information,
I need to be honest. I’m a player. But a reputable one. I don’t mislead girls into thinking I want anything more than a night of fun and physical intimacy. I’m able to sleep with most women the first night I meet them. But then it ends. After the sex is over, they disappear, blow me off, or otherwise ignore me. I’m not looking for a relationship, but I wouldn’t be opposed to seeing them again. Why is a one-night stand so hard to repeat? — Casual Sexless
Dear Casual Sexless,
Are you serious, Casual Sexless? Why is a one-night stand so hard to repeat? Because it’s a one-night stand. It’s not supposed to repeat. If it did, it’d be called a relationship. And most people who meet random strangers and have sex with them on the first night aren’t looking for a relationship. They’re looking for penises, vaginas, boobs, balls, asses and any combination thereof. Once it’s over, there’s nothing to discuss. The deep psychological question of "Will they/Won’t they?" question has been answered by the Rorschach stains over the bedsheets.
I’m sure some women don’t call you back because they feel guilty. And some don’t call because they thought your technique was lousy, or they’re cheating on their boyfriends or husbands. It’s like you’re looking at a cat and wondering why it doesn’t bark. You’re analyzing the wrong thing.
With one-nighters, people like to walk away clean. Have you ever said a big long goodbye to a friend and then run into them again on the next street corner? You know how weird that feels? Now imagine the same scenario, only the two of you are totally nude and making fuck faces. Awesome, right?
It sounds like you want a fuck friend, Casual Sexless. Start marketing. Get online and write an ad describing your perfect part-time lover. Treat the first few meetings with a prospective FF like an audition. Hold off on sex for a while. It’ll help you gauge her seriousness, and make you look all Julio Iglesias sensitive. Unless she’s really horny. Then she’ll just be annoyed. Okay, Casual Sexless, I’ve changed my mind. You can make out with her. But makeouts only. No humping. I want to see one leg off the casting couch at all times. Remember, Miss Info is watching you. But don’t expect her to call you the next day if she joins in.
|Dear Miss Information,
I’ve been talking to a guy since last September, and I’m really falling for him. We’ve yet to go on a traditional date, we’ve just spent time together, and I couldn’t be happier with it. The problem is, he tells me "yes" when he means "probably not." He’s looking for a new job, and I doubt he has a lot of time right now. But every time we try to set something up, he’ll agree, only to not call later. It’s not exactly like being stood up, because the plans were never completely made. It’s more like he puts me off. To compound this problem, he has terrible cellphone reception. It takes about thirty minutes for me to get his text messages, and we’re constantly dropping each other’s calls.
I got frustrated this weekend and left him a message, saying, "When you want to see me as much as I wanted to see you, call." Part of me knows that I should wait for his call, and that if he doesn’t call, I’ll have my answer. But I’ve waited a long time for a guy like him. Is it more important for me to stand my ground and get him to be more accountable, or do I just get all mushy and hope for the best? — Hoping for the Best Either Way
| Dear Hoping for the Best,
"I’ve waited a long time for a guy like him." A guy who blows you off, never wants to go anywhere and is too freakin’ lazy to get a decent cellphone? Guys like that are easy to find. Girls too. The best part is they’re all single. You know why? Because no one wants to deal with their bullshit.
But, Hoping for the Best, I totally identify. I just dumped a guy like your guy. Three weeks ago today, actually. Homeboy was always canceling, showing up late, and generally doing the bare minimum as a boyfriend. Not that he was my boyfriend. He wasn’t comfortable with that term. He wanted to spend more time "getting to know me," which is why he never let me see his apartment and left halfway through my birthday party.
Why all the lameness and nonsense? Because he didn’t like me. Just like your guy doesn’t like you. Let me repeat that: he doesn’t like you. I only say this because I want to help you. Plus, I have an unlisted number and the entire Internet to hide behind. If you want to be happy, you’ll stand your ground. If he calls, let it go to voicemail. If he keeps calling, tell him you won’t talk to him until he gets a new cellphone. I know this sounds like game-playing. So what? This mofo has to go through a hurdle or two and show he’s serious. But I bet he won’t. And it’s a blessing if he doesn’t. Once you start interviewing other applicants, you’ll see how easy it is to replace this so-called "great guy." P.S. "Irreplaceable" by Beyonce. It’s R&B Lexapro.
©2007 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com