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June 20, 2007
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| Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity. Summer is here, and with it shorter attention spans. Grab a Fla-Vor-Ice from the freezer and enjoy this Miss Info: 150 Words or Less edition. Also check out my MySpace page while your lips are healing from all those plastic-inflicted lip cuts. That lime one's a killer.
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I am done with online dating. I have never picked a woman up at a bar. Any advice on how I could pick someone up and take them home? All I want is sex, really. — Celibate Two Years
Dear Celibate Two Years,
promotion
Here's your acronym for getting a girl home:
F - Fresh breath. When you whisper, "My place or yours?" your breath better be tight, son. Two pieces of extra-strength minty sugarless gum, chewed and spit out right before moment of impact so it's not obvious.
U - Unusual. A sugar glider, a collection of vintage Big Boy menus, grandma's burial urn. Have some interesting to show her at your apartment, create a draw. A baby kitten will probably net you a threesome.
C - Choice. Girls like safety. Let her pick: your place or hers, the mode of transportation, leaving together or solo. Do not, under any circumstances, tease her about it.
K - Kharisma. Screw you, I know it's spelled wrong. If you've got it, you can spell words however you want. Kharisma is picking up on verbal and non-verbal cues, balancing forwardness with decorum, being confident without being cocky. If you believe in your own kharisma, you'll get her in the front door.
| Dear Miss Information, My boyfriend and I have been together forever. We're talking marriage but I'm still unsure. How do you know when someone's The One? I've thought this to death. I need a fresh take. — Maybe Baby Later |
| Dear Maybe Baby Later, |
I could never marry Kool Moe Dee, because Erin Moe Dee-Bradley would look really bad on a business card. Too bad, because we're eye-to-eye on what constitutes The One. "Mentally, emotionally, and physically," are the keywords named in Mr. Dee's 1989 booty ode All Night Long. Ask yourself, Maybe Baby: is this guy smart? Do we like the same stuff? Do I empathize with his feelings? Does he empathize with mine? When I look at him, do I want to fuck his brains out? If yes on all three, marry him. If not, tell him no.
| Dear Miss Information, Recently I snooped and found a saved chat between my boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend. He told her that her blowjobs were better and that he didn't like doing me doggie style. I brought it up, we talked and all is well... except that my self-esteem is still crushed. He says the only reason he said those things to her was because we were in an argument. Can I ever forgive him? Is there anything I can do to recover my self-esteem? — S |
| Dear S, |
People have the right to talk major smack about their partners, and the ability to do it in private is important. The main problem I have is this guy's boundaries. He should not be putting you down in front of an ex-girlfriend, talking in detail about sex, or administering sex-related compliments. Cheaters do that, and cheaters get dumped. Unless he wants to attempt to suck his own dick, solo, he needs to apologize his ass off and rebuild your trust. You need to realize that 99% of what he said was shit-talking and exaggeration. Don't internalize it. Hash it out with a therapist and don't use every negative interaction as an excuse to bring it up. That'll drive the wedge in even further. End all snooping but continue to watch his ass like a hawk. I don't like the sound of this one.
| Dear Miss Information, I have this great guy friend. I've known him for two years, and we've been working together for four months. Last week we hooked up on a road trip. It's been a little over a week and we haven't talked about it. I'm wondering if we should. I'm interested in being physical but I don't want any commitment. The sex was the best of my life. I don't want to make things complicated by asking for more... but I really want more. What's the best way to approach this? — Lusting |
| Dear Lusting, |
"Email is too serious for this kind of conversation. IM, however, is awesome. You can talk about love and sex and penises entering vaginas and still keep it casual. Break the ice with a choice YouTube link or a funny card. Once you're chatting, make a reference to something that happened the road trip (not the sex, dummy) and use it as a segue to, "Hey, I've been meaning to talk to you..." If you don't use IM, take a three-cocktail lunch or ditch work to get an ice-cream cone. A bit of decadence always greases awkward situations.
P.S. Don't tell him it was the best sex of your life. Even though it's a compliment, there are too many implied expectations. That kind of talk scares boners.
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©2007 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
Commentarium (12 Comments)
S can recover her self-esteem by dropping this guy immediately.
a) I agree with the previous comment. Dump his ass.
b) I don't think saying someone is "the best sex of your life" is a boner killer at all. I've always taken it as a compliment, and an indication to keep doing things the way you're doing them. It's not like introducing him to your parents on the third date or anything. It's just a compliment.
I don't think referring to the one time as "the best sex of my life" would be a good idea, as that's kind of like setting the bar, which can lead to performance anxiety as he tries to top it. It's OK to use "awesome" or "it made me breathless and feel all tingly inside at the same time" or other descriptive phrases. I'm sure some other aspects of the road trip contributed to it being the best sex of your life, too. If this pans out and he continues to be stellar in bed, it would be OK to refer to all the experiences combined as "some of the best sex of my life!"
Anybody who keeps in touch with ex via any communication method should be banned from dating or having sex unless that person is ex-free! (ONLY exception can be people with kids BUT that should be kept to as minimum as humanly possible). I know that is harse BUT that is ONLY way to cut down on unnecessary shitcrap!
Can't help but contrast your response to S with the Dan Savage policy on snooping.
if S was snooping, the guy had obviously already damaged her self esteem. which is just one more big fat reason to send him packing immediately. in Germany we call someone like that a Vollarsch.
SV, you're just dead wrong. I'm friends with a number of ex'es, and I'm proud of it: We've been able to keep something good about the relationship when the dating part didn't work out. I have no problem with the women I date being in touch with ex'es, either, as long as everyone respects the commitment the two of us have (and if they don't, then they get dismissed).
Get some shut-eye, REM. SV's got it right. Staying in touch with exes is destructive to any new, healthy relationship for many reasons, including the one shared here. Cut ties and move on.
Anyone who tells me that I have to "cut ties" with my ex gets told to fuck off, right then and there. Your insecurity isn't my problem; if you can't trust me, you shouldn't be with me. Period.
agreed. only mature, secure individuals who have open communication with their partners in every aspect can still be in contact with exes. I, for one, dated my ex for 3.5 years and have been on and off roommates with him since we broke up 6 years ago ever since. We have both been in steady, serious relationships with our significant others for over 2 years and counting. No problem.
theirs was not a serious relationship, guys.
they were together for about a month and a half and only on the basis of smoking pot together.
he still talks to his old, serious ex (they were together for 2 years) and i have zero problem with it.
also i go by the dan savage rule of snooping myself.
being told I was the best sex in a woman's life has never killed my boner. it stoked my ego and encouraged me to be very nice to the woman in question. only a jackass would respond negatively to such a wonderful compliment.
Now you say something