Miss Information

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Have a question? Email Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Summer is here, and with it shorter attention spans. Grab a Fla-Vor-Ice from the freezer and enjoy this Miss Info: 150 Words or Less edition. Also check out my MySpace page while your lips are healing from all those plastic-inflicted lip cuts. That lime one’s a killer.


Dear Miss Information,

I am done with online dating. I have never picked a woman up at a bar. Any advice on how I could pick someone up and take them home? All I want is sex, really. — Celibate Two Years


Dear Celibate Two Years,
Here’s your acronym for getting a girl home:
F – Fresh breath. When you whisper, “My place or yours?” your breath better be tight, son. Two pieces of extra-strength minty sugarless gum, chewed and spit out right before moment of impact so it’s not obvious.
U – Unusual. A sugar glider, a collection of vintage Big Boy menus, grandma’s burial urn. Have some interesting to show her at your apartment, create a draw. A baby kitten will probably net you a threesome.
C – Choice. Girls like safety. Let her pick: your place or hers, the mode of transportation, leaving together or solo. Do not, under any circumstances, tease her about it.
K – Kharisma. Screw you, I know it’s spelled wrong. If you’ve got it, you can spell words however you want. Kharisma is picking up on verbal and non-verbal cues, balancing forwardness with decorum, being confident without being cocky. If you believe in your own kharisma, you’ll get her in the front door.


Dear Miss Information,
My boyfriend and I have been together forever. We’re talking marriage but I’m still unsure. How do you know when someone’s The One? I’ve thought this to death. I need a fresh take. Maybe Baby Later

Dear Maybe Baby Later,

I could never marry Kool Moe Dee, because Erin Moe Dee-Bradley would look really bad on a business card. Too bad, because we’re eye-to-eye on what constitutes The One. “Mentally, emotionally, and physically,” are the keywords named in Mr. Dee’s 1989 booty ode All Night Long. Ask yourself, Maybe Baby: is this guy smart? Do we like the same stuff? Do I empathize with his feelings? Does he empathize with mine? When I look at him, do I want to fuck his brains out? If yes on all three, marry him. If not, tell him no.

Dear Miss Information,
Recently I snooped and found a saved chat between my boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend. He told her that her blowjobs were better and that he didn’t like doing me doggie style. I brought it up, we talked and all is well… except that my self-esteem is still crushed. He says the only reason he said those things to her was because we were in an argument. Can I ever forgive him? Is there anything I can do to recover my self-esteem? — S

Dear S,

People have the right to talk major smack about their partners, and the ability to do it in private is important. The main problem I have is this guy’s boundaries. He should not be putting you down in front of an ex-girlfriend, talking in detail about sex, or administering sex-related compliments. Cheaters do that, and cheaters get dumped. Unless he wants to attempt to suck his own dick, solo, he needs to apologize his ass off and rebuild your trust. You need to realize that 99% of what he said was shit-talking and exaggeration. Don’t internalize it. Hash it out with a therapist and don’t use every negative interaction as an excuse to bring it up. That’ll drive the wedge in even further. End all snooping but continue to watch his ass like a hawk. I don’t like the sound of this one.

Dear Miss Information,
I have this great guy friend. I’ve known him for two years, and we’ve been working together for four months. Last week we hooked up on a road trip. It’s been a little over a week and we haven’t talked about it. I’m wondering if we should. I’m interested in being physical but I don’t want any commitment. The sex was the best of my life. I don’t want to make things complicated by asking for more… but I really want more. What’s the best way to approach this? — Lusting

Dear Lusting,

"Email is too serious for this kind of conversation. IM, however, is awesome. You can talk about love and sex and penises entering vaginas and still keep it casual. Break the ice with a choice YouTube link or a funny card. Once you’re chatting, make a reference to something that happened the road trip (not the sex, dummy) and use it as a segue to, “Hey, I’ve been meaning to talk to you…” If you don’t use IM, take a three-cocktail lunch or ditch work to get an ice-cream cone. A bit of decadence always greases awkward situations.
P.S. Don’t tell him it was the best sex of your life. Even though it’s a compliment, there are too many implied expectations. That kind of talk scares boners.


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