| Last week I invited readers to ‘Be Miss Info for a day’ and answer the following question:
Dear Miss Information,
Nine months ago, my wife gave birth to our son. He’s great, and although it can be a lot of work at times, I feel we’ve got a good handle on parenting. But one thing’s not going so well, and that’s our sex life. While my sex drive has stayed the same, my wife’s has dwindled to nothing. I’ve tried talking to her about it a couple of times, but she always acknowledges it, says she doesn’t know why, and she’ll work on it. Yet nothing changes. Our frequency is very low, usually once every other week or less. And she’s clearly not into it when we do have sex, which kills the mood for me. I’ve tried everything I can think of to help — setting a good mood for sex, more foreplay, more oral, more toys for her and even getting out of the house for dates on occasion, but nothing is working. She says she doesn’t even masturbate anymore. I’m at the end of my rope here! I need help before I go out of my mind, or do something I might regret later — like cheat on her! — Frustrated New Father
First prize winner is Zach, a FILF who won me over with a suck-up compliment in his cover letter and a salt-of-the-earth approach:
Dear Frustrated Father,
As a father of three, I’ve been there, done that. I’d like to dispel some illusions for you: after kids, things never ever get back to "the way they were." This is true sexually, socially, botanically, any way you can think of. Get used to it. The books say take her on dates, foreplay, all that sort of thing. Bah. All the dads I know have had very similar experiences, with almost no exception.
Focus more on the idea that you’re a dad, and think long term. You will hopefully have this family for fifty years, so a dry spell of one to two years should be kept in perspective. Only you are in control of your behavior. No lack of sex can force you to cheat. Own it. If it’s worth betraying your wife and baby for sex, well, you may as well divorce her and find someone new.
Also, realize you are getting some sex, and you should be beating your dick like it owes you money. Your balls are not going to fall off. Keep talking to your wife, but lower the pressure. Pressure only builds resentment and takes away from any urges she may have. Maybe you can have more quickies/blowjobs. Not ideal, I know, but again, think long-term. Your new life (and it’s a whole new life) can be fulfilling and sexually gratifying, but if you wreck your relationship before it has a chance to bloom, it’s hopeless.
Second prize goes to Carmen, bullet-point aficionado and patron saint of sexually frustrated spouses:
Congrats on your new baby. Sympathy on your lack of action. The doctor usually gives you a green light after six weeks, and it can take a while longer to get back into a routine, but nine months is too long. It’s just too long.
And don’t listen to the people who jump to blame you: you’re not helping with the baby enough. You’re not giving your wife space to "just be." You’re putting too much pressure on her. We both know you’re not. You’re not the problem. You’re a good husband and father, and you didn’t sign on for this celibacy bullshit. I would calmly but firmly lay it on the line: honey, it’s been however many months, and it’s not working. We need a proactive plan of action:
- Make an appointment with your doctor.
- Make an appointment with a therapist.
- Schedule a getaway without the baby.
- Try a ‘sexual enhancement’ drug or cream (provided she’s not nursing).
- At least agree to oral and/or manual sex more regularly, with some degree of enthusiasm required.
And, when/if all else fails:
- Let me seek fulfillment elsewhere.
If she’s really not into it, she’ll be relieved that the pressure’s off her to perform. Either way, someone has to tell her that motherhood is not a "get out of sex free" card.
Third prize winner is Deborah, who somehow makes being selfish sound sensitive. Genius!
Dear Frustrated New Father,
I don’t have to tell you that caring for a new baby is exhausting — doubly so for your wife. But it sounds like you’re focusing strictly on her sex drive, which may be making the situation worse. It’s putting pressure on her to ‘perform,’ making her feel guilty, and stressing her out. Who wants to have to ‘try harder’ to be in the mood for sex?
What’s wrong with gently asking for a handjob, blowjob, or something else the two of you did back in those heavy-petting days that made your toes curl? Most people like to please their partners; she undoubtedly wants to please you. Don’t feel as if you’re ‘cheating’ her by not giving her an orgasm — sometimes people don’t need that kind of pressure, especially when they’re not feeling well! Being able to please our partners, and know that we are pleasing them, is quite satisfying in and of itself. More importantly, it keeps the good feelings between the two of you going.
Thanks and big smooches to everyone who entered. We’ll be doing this again in the not-so-distant future. You’re aces, all of yuhs.
©2007 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com