Advice

Miss Information

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Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
  

Dear Miss Information,

I’m a single bi woman. Recently, this girl I went to high school with contacted me out of the blue on Facebook. Her page said she was interested in both men and women — as does mine. She’s cute, but not my type; I was just psyched that she was out. We messaged back and forth, and finally I said it was nice to know I wasn’t the only bisexual on the planet. Later, I looked at her page and saw that she had removed “interested in women.” Oops. Two weeks later, she still hasn’t written me back, but, bizarrely, put “women” back on her page for several days, and then took it off again! Should I write her again and say WTF, kick her off my page, or quietly wait for her to sort out her identity crisis? — In Need Of Dignified Online Etiquette



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Dear In Need,
Dude. What are you doing? You’re letting your emotions be ruled by someone who sorts out her sexual identity issues on MyFriendsterBookSpace. I like girls! No, I like guys! My favorite band is Fall Out Boy! No, wait! It’s Rihanna!
Profile changes never tell you the whole story, just enough to drive you fruitcake with extra nuts. She might be flip-flopping on her orientation for reasons that have nothing to do with you. I know I’ve changed my status from "looking for a serious relationship" to "looking for dating" to "looking for no one, i’m going to die lonely so please fuck off." And that’s just one weekend. It’s more about my psychological struggle (plus blotto Internetting) than any particular suitor or ex-boyfriend.
But let’s just say that she did change it because she isn’t attracted to you and was put off by your advances. Big friggin’ deal. You’re not even attracted to her. She’s the one who should feel like an idiot, approaching a cool bi chick who knows the score, then acting schizo and running away.
I guess it comes down to what you want from the relationship. If it’s a friend or pen pal, write her and say something like "Hey, noticed you dropped off there. Just wanted to make sure you knew I wasn’t trying talk to you as anything more than a friend. Not that you’re not great. I’m just not that into dating right now. Anyway, have you tried the new Vitamin Water by 50 Cent? It tastes delicious! Like muscular grapes dipped in 14k gold…"
If you don’t care about being friends, let it rest. Don’t kick her off your page or write a WTF letter. That’s immature and a waste of energy. The person who keeps quiet almost always comes off the most classy. Do your venting on the down low and you’ll have the best of both worlds. Not that you don’t already, Ms. Boys-n-Girls.

 

Dear Miss Information,
I am married and wear my ring proudly, but women hit on me anyway. Am I giving off some sleazy vibe that makes women think I’m a cheating fucktard? I don’t want to be that guy who is always “My wife this” or “My wife that.” But I do wear the ring and will gladly tell whomever that I’m married. It’s just embarrassing to extricate myself from weird come-ons. Some women are really aggressive. And I drink. How can I correct this? Do you know women who do this? Why do they do this? I am sure you don’t. And by the way, I ain’t all that. — Seeking Peace of Mind



Dear Peace of Mind,
No, I don’t do that. Once I get wind that a guy’s taken, I pretty much shun him. Like the Amish. Or a Sicilian grandmother in an old Mafia movie, "Married Guy? I do not know Married Guy. Married Guy is dead to me." Sometimes I don a little black veil and do this thing where I point my finger. It’s very dramatic.
I do know some women who hit on married men. Some are unhappy in their relationships, others are self-sabotaging and competitive. Some made a one-time mistake. Others are plain old deceitful and selfish. There’s no one reason you can point to.
My first guess is that you’re probably too flirty. You might not think you’re flirty but that stuff’s subconscious. Body language, body language, body language. Go to all the bookstores and web sites you can and study it. Learn what signifies "Hey ladies, come get some!" and correct yourself when you’re doing it. For example, one flirt staple is mirroring. She touches her hair, you touch your hair. She takes a sip of her drink, you take a sip of your drink. If you notice this happening, alter your body language to more defensive posture. (Note: A karate chop to the neck is probably going too far.)
I’m also wondering if you put yourself in situations where alcohol is flowing and scads of available women are milling about. Why? Where’s your wife? Under house arrest or something? I understand the importance of guys night (girls, too). But maybe try a less sexy venue. Play touch football in the park, rent a bunch of DVDs. Geek out on video games.
Finally, there’s nothing wrong with being that guy who’s always "My wife this" or "My wife that." Personally, I like that guy. If he wears a wedding ring I’m going to think it’s sweet that he’s so devoted to his old lady. If he doesn’t wear a wedding ring, I’m going to be thankful, because I know he’s no longer a possibility and I didn’t have to embarrass myself by asking him out when he’s got a mortgage and three kids in private school.
Married readers, anyone have any more tips for Seeking Peace of Mind? Leave ’em in the feedback section below.

 


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