Okay, first to girl who for some reason is flipping out about a random acquaintance switching her facebook crap in a way that has no impact on you whatsoever: uh, let it go.
Second, to guy who gets hit on: Your letter struck a slightly odd note. Most guys who are committed don't run into this problem a lot, because they don't direct or open their energy toward other women in a "maybe, who knows..." kind of way. But the red flag was the casual, non-sequitor-ish admission that you like to drink. What? What is that code for? I think it's code for, "I spend a lot of time alone after work at the bar, where I'm available to talk to strange women while lubricated with alcohol." Not really sanctioned married-guy behavior, at least on a routine basis. If you like to drink, go home and fix a couple of martinis for you and your wife. When out without her, take a guy friend to the bar and treat any trolling women as curiosities toward whom your energy finds no purchase.

For Peace of Mind:

Married guy here. I'm not all that, and don't have to deal with come-ons to often, but they happen. Here's the lesson I've learned the hard way:

If you're hanging out and the booze is flowing, it's a virtual imposibility that you're going to meet any girls that make for good platonic friend material... so who give's a shit if your rude to some strange chick. The only woman you should be concerned with not offending is your wife.

Is this harsh? Maybe. But here's the flipside. The women who consciously go after men with rings view you as a conquest, and they know that your good manners are a roadway to your pants. They will abuse your nice-ness until you've had one too many drinks, and you're ready to make a bad decision. They can be ultra passive aggressive, and cunning (gee I tempted to throw a "t" in there). Do not give in to their techniques.

Again, the only woman whose sensibilities you should be concerned about are your wife's, so don't be afraid about being rude to a strager. If she's a genuinely nice person who simply missed your ring, she'll be cool about it. If she's one of the other breed, you'll have saved yourself (and your wife) a ton of heartache.

Hey married guy - - what you said to Miss Information is actually the perfect comeback to a come on. "Am I giving off some sleazy vibe that makes women think I'm a cheating fucktard?" Waggle your wedding-ringed finger for emphasis.

If you ARE sending off some sleazy vibe, some woman will likely tell you. And if you're not, then all is good.

But you might want to spend les time drinking around single available women when the wife isn't around. Just sayin'

Hey married guy - let's cut to your real problem: you're insecure and seek external validation. A better idea might be to do some self-discovery work in the method of your choice to find out why you've written to Erin with this "problem". If you were content with your marriage and with your life then I'd venture a guess that you wouldn't have written in at all.

Also, sometimes it's hard to interpret things like this. I'm a single woman, and I realized at one point that I was extra friendly to married or taken men exactly because they were unavailable and seemed like a "safe" place to perch when I was interested in talking without parrying advances. Basically, 99% of people I meet are people I'm more interested in talking to than sleeping with, and it took the pressure off for sex to be off the table - no need to decifer motives, no worry that he was going to take my interest in his dissertation as a come-on, etc. (or at least so I thought - later, I realized that not everyone takes "taken" as literally as I do, which is why I'm writing all this in the past tense). The point is that though it looked a lot like flirting, I had absolutely no intention of sleeping with them, "stealing" them, etc. - in fact, just the opposite.

One of my friends told me a couple of years back, if i wanted to get laid, all i had to do was go to a pawn shop and buy a ring, instantly grils would be all over me. they wouldn't be the grils i wanted, but if "you walk up to the bar, ask for a drink and then let your hand rest on the bar".... I told him I didn't want to get laid, I wanted a relationship. ok so maybe I lied:)

I don't know about "married," but I do find that when I have a GF, women tend to hit on me about ten times more than when I don't. Sometimes even without knowing my status either way. It's weird.

But really, the guy's question is a non-problem. He can't say no? If he gives a shit about his wife more than his own indulgences, it's not exactly rocket science figuring out what he should do. No is easy. Marriage is what's hard.

i'm sorry, but i find the feedback about women who prey on married men just plain offensive. if i knew you were men saying this, i'd add more here. or, if i knew that you were women who felt this to be true because you got burned, then i'd say more, too. but i don't know who you are and what horrible experience makes you say that some women just plain go for married men. how about some married men just go for women other than their wives..... wow, that takes a lot of pop psychologizing and stories that start out 'in my experience' and end with some sad sack story of being a single woman who married men always go for. all's i'm saying is that it takes two in all situations. and you wanna add liquor to any of this mixup and you've got a lot of bad explaining and half-reasons that follow on the heels of whatever happens.

My husband has the same problem. He's always been a cute, happy, friendly, self-assured guy. Now that he's married, women come on to him even more. I think it's because he's even happier. Women don't generally tend to go for guys who are crabby and unfriendly:)

Getting attention from hot married guys is a fun and rewarding challenge. The women you speak of are probably just playing with you, no need to be so serious about everything. I personally can't stand when married guys talk about their wives all the time. If I don't know her, I really don't care about your wife's root canal/experience in Australia/special way with dogs. It makes married men come off like pussy whipped losers who have no identity of their own.

i personally feel comfortable talking and befriending married guys because the relationship doesn't have to go anywhere... i've been with someone for five years, and i've noticed that a lot of the guys i meet think that i'm hitting on them or flirting with them when i'm actually just trying to be friendly. this has gone down an awkward road several times, and since i tend to get along/have more in common with men than women, i often find myself growing closer to married men. now none of this occurs in at the bar, where i usually have my deflecto shields on high if i'm out by myself - my advice would be to have fun, but remember to keep some distance between yourself and these predatory females. maybe they just like your tie or something and want to chat for a bit. ultimately, if one of them suggests something intimate, it's up to you to say no, so keep your fences up and rememer what's really important

x96xbr Author +111