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August 8, 2007
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Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
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I fell in love with a boy in high school, but he was older than me and had a girlfriend so nothing happened. We met again in college, but he wanted a serious relationship while I wanted to just be crazy. He was heartbroken. Fast forward eleven years. He finds me on the web and gets in touch. He lives overseas and has a girlfriend of two years.
He was in town for a week. We saw each other a number of times and had sex once (which was great!). I had high hopes, but he says he wants both me and his girlfriend. I appreciate his honesty, but that isn't what I want and I told him so. He's coming back to town in a few weeks. Do you think I should see him (assuming no sex, of course)? — Stateside Confused
Dear Stateside Confused,
promotion
You're going to fuck him if you see him. You know that, right? I can see you on instant messenger right now, chatting with your best friend:
Lil_Miss_Enabler891: so what's w/the guy?
St8sideConfuzed: meeting @ Dark-N-Romantics. 7:30.
Lil_Miss_Enabler891: love that place! what are you wearing?
St8sideConfuzed: jeans I got last week, some kind of top
Lil_Miss_Enabler891: DUDE! ass jeans?
St8sideConfuzed: they're not ass jeans
Lil_Miss_Enabler891: whatever. youre gettin some. those are HOT
St8sideConfuzed: shut up. nothing's gonna happen
Lil_Miss_Enabler891: want to meet up later then? late dinner?
St8sideConfuzed: nah. gonna get in early. maybe go for a run.
CUT TO: Two weeks later. He's back abroad, with his broad. You're bummed out but trying not to be because you know all your friends are gonna say "I told you so," and you don't feel like hearing it. They're all in smug couples. They don't know shit about anything.
But here's the straight poop: Getting involved in no-win relationships like this might be why you have no schmoopy to accompany you to colossal Swedish retail outlets. (BTW, huge herring recall over there. Watch out!)
Strike 1: He has a girlfriend.
Strike 2: He doesn't want to dump her.
Strike 3: He actually says he doesn't want to dump her. This is something cheaters rarely cop to, so you best believe the boy when he says it.
Is that enough strikes, or do you want me to continue?
Okay, fine. Here are two more:
Strike 4: The only thing he's good for is a random screw.
Strike 5: You don't want a random screw. A random screw will make you sad.
What? More? Stateside Confused, you're killing me.
Strike 6: Cheating is shitty.
Lie and say you're busy with work and you can't see him. Watch the awesomest show in the history of TV, or go on a blind date instead.
| Dear Miss Information, I'm thirty years old. I've been best friends with this guy for over seventeen years now. He's mentioned several different times that he loves and cares for me. But he's afraid to start a relationship because he doesn't want to hurt our friendship. He says that if anything ever happened to our friendship he would never forgive himself. I really care for him and love him as well. I want to be in a committed relationship with him. I told him that the best relationships are built on a solid friendship. I really think we could make it work. We have so much in common. We laugh and enjoy each other all the time. He already lives in my apartment. We have always been strictly platonic. What should I do? — Girl Looking for Answers |
| Dear Girl Looking for Answers, Offer to move out. Whaaa? Why would I want to do that? Because it'll give you guys a safe environment in which to make the platonic-to-romantic transition. And that's what you ultimately want, isn't it? Look. People don't move in together the same day they start dating, do they? If one of your friends did that, you'd call her a wackjob, right? When a relationship turns romantic, you get all sorts of new complications. Makes no difference how long you're known each other, how well you get along. Stuff's gonna happen. Not all of it bad, mind you. But with that fluffy pink ice-cream cloud come moments of tension and uncertainty. If you're already all jacked up over losing your friendship, living together adds one more albatross. You can't fall in love when you're surrounded by albatrosses. It's totally unromantic, not to mention stinky and uncomfortable. Living separately will also change the way you relate to one another. You're best friends and you live together. "Hi, Familiarity. Of course you know Sexual Tension. Wait, what's that? You two have never met?" I know not everyone can move out. But you can get out of the apartment more. Make new friends and stop tooling around the living room in that disgusting fleece ensemble with the hole in the butt. Once you're not so enmeshed in each other's lives, you may bond romantically. All this comes with the huge (ahem, huge) caveat that Best Friend has to be interested in giving it a shot in the first place. If he isn't, he's either too paralyzed with fear or just not that attracted to you, both of which make it impossible to advance the relationship. It's no fun to say, but you're better off focusing your energies elsewhere.
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| Dear Playing With Fire, I don't like the chill-out-and-wait approach. If you're detecting an odd vibe, chances are she's detecting an odd vibe, and the volatile roommate-on-roommate factor requires that you discuss it. Talking Points for Awkward Roommate Sex Chat 2007: 1. Do you like what we're doing? Do you want to keep doing it? 2. Is this going anywhere or is it just for kicks? 3. If it's getting more serious, how might that affect the dynamic of the apartment? 4. If it's just sex, do we have any rules regarding bringing other people over? If you've come to the conclusion that it's safer to end it and you're still getting strong "come-get-me-big-boy" signals, do not do one of those "Oh, she'll get the picture" phaseouts. It's going to look weird if you're having sex often and then all of a sudden your penis goes the way of Jimmy Hoffa. She's going to notice it's missing. The little guy put a stain on her sheets and it's still using her bathroom. (BTW readers, 'little guy' isn't a pejorative. I've seen pictures, and Playing With Fire is hung like an anaconda). Anyway, the main point is keep her informed. Avoiding communication now leads to confrontation later. Best of luck on not getting burnt. |
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©2007 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
Commentarium (12 Comments)
GLFA: sparse thought the information may be, I am thinking the guy may just not be interested enough. He might be wanting to start a relationship, but if he's this apprehansive already... you get the picture. It's only a hunch.
People attach pictures of their cocks when they send you questions?
He loves her, he enjoys her company, but he doesn't want a relationship with her. He just doesn't. His saying he doesn't want to ruin the friendship is a euphemism for I don't want a romantic relationship!
Anacondas don't even have penises.
You know, Erin, I think you sometimes try to give advice too much on the basis of what is 'nice' and not enough on the basis of the sort of hedonism that Nerve readers are looking for. Like that first letter this week. Who cares that the dude would be cheating on his girlfriend? Our hero here is Stateside Confused. We don't know this girlfriend. Stateside Confused doesn't owe her anything. They aren't married. So to hell with her.
The correct answer is 'go for it.' At no point does Stateside Confused say that this guy is very important as a friend. She says that she was once in love with him and that the sex was really good that one time. I mean, read between the lines. She obviously wants to screw him again, despite her parenthetical suggestion to the contrary. She wants to screw him, he wants to screw her back and the girlfriend is nobody to her. What does Stateside Confused really have at risk here?
Em and Lo eventually fell into the same trap before you had this column. Which was when I stopped reading them and I guess they finally left for greener pastures. Please: keep sex dirty and wrong. It's so much more fun that way.
To BJC: Yes, they do attach pictures of their cocks when they send Erin questions. Didn't you know that everyone is supposed to be doing this? From now on you'll know better. Every time anybody here sends Erin an email, DO NOT FORGET to attach a picture of your cock or else it is a major faux pas.
I love when some jackass comes along and starts telling someone how to run their own advice column while naysaying well-thought-out responses, based on *their own* dysfunctions.
Please feel free to ignore or discount everything JL says from here on out, EB. The rest of us love what you do and how you do it. Great advice on all three this week.
Confused:
Erin's advice is spot on. But you are just to into this to walk away. You have to know. And you are going to see him and of course one thing will lead to the next to sex. So, get things straight in your rational brain. But you are going forward, so it's ok. Don't feel too bad or hate yourself or think you are stupid. In the long run, reality will trump fantasy. If you don't get this out of your system, you will waste huge amounts of emotional energy -- wondering, daydreaming. So, see him as a real person. It is so much easier to let go of a real flesh and blood person then a fantasy.
A good rule I came up with about 20 years ago: It's ok to live with someone you sleep with, but don't sleep with someone you live with. Like all rules it can be too black and white, but know what you're risking getting into if you break it.
As for JL, there's a difference between fun, dirty sex and moral leprosy. I think we all have a duty not to put out dishonesty and pain in the world. Yes, the cheater is the principal wrongdoer, but the Other Woman/Man is an aider and abettor of the wrong. It's like saying, "I'm not robbing the bank, I'm just driving the getaway car." Confused, you can't stop this guy from being a cheating asshole (and, BTW, even if you did convince him to pick you for a relationship, remember that if he will cheat *with* you, he will cheat *on* you -- and you'll deserve whatever misery results). What you can do is refuse to be a part of it. Be strong, don't see him, and spend your time being open to a man who respects his commitment and you.
GLFA, in my experience a guy who is really interested in getting with you will attempt to do so no matter what the circumstances are. If in 17 years (!) of friendship he has never so much as made a drunken pass at you, he does not find you attractive. Period.
i did bang one roomie. it was a one time thing, and now we're still friendly. and occasionally trade spit. oh, and she jumped my bones in the first place.
i say: go for it if you're fairly sure there won't be too much ensuing drama. especially if it only turns out to be a one night only performance.
I had fantasic, sweet, loving, no-strings-no-dating sex with a flatmate for almost my entire first year living in London. I later attended her wedding, and me and my current girlfriend are still great friends with her, as well as her husband and two kids. It can be done successfully, as long as you both A) like each other as friends first B) acknowledge right away that it isn't leading to a long-term relationship. I agree with Erin's reply to Girl Looking for Answers , that if you want to start dating someone, it's not a good idea to be flatmates also, at least not right away.
If anyone cares to know, she started trying to get too close, and I started to think that it was a bad idea (sleeping with someone i live with). I spoke with her. She was devastated that I thought it would be better to end what was happening, because I thought the situation would get complicated or out of hand. She said that she was in love with me (even before anything started). I thought she was easygoing, but in the end I was wrong; she is overly proud and likes to argue for the sake of arguing. I was foolish to think that only after 2 weeks I everything could stop and return to normal (and also to think that she would react in a mature and rational manner). That's the last time I'll ever consider sleeping with a roommate.
BTW (sorry Erin), you might have confused my anaconda for someone else's...I never sent you a pic. I'm not that pretentious (nor am I hung like an anaconda).
Now you say something