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August 22, 2007
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Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
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I've gotten myself into a lose-lose situation, and I'm in a state of profound despair. This summer, I ran into this guy that I knew in high school. He had a crush on me but I was terrified. Now we're both in college and I'm taking a year off to work in our hometown. He goes to school nearby. We recently met to see some friends play some music. We ended up at this tiny little beach. We drank a bottle of wine, went swimming naked and had sex. Sort of. We didn't finish and both just kind of passed out.
It gets more complicated. For some reason, I really wanted to try acid, and so did he. We tripped together and went into the woods, and it was all intense and romantic and trippy. No sex was involved. I stayed at his place last weekend, and we had sex, but he got freaked out and had to stop. He said, "I don't know. All of a sudden this felt really weird." This happened another time before.
My question is: What the fuck am I doing? I really like him. I told him I thought tripping together was too intense and that I'd like to take it way down. He agreed, but I still feel neurotic about it. It's strange to do drugs at the outset of a relationship (or what you hope will be one). Was this a bad idea? He just got out of a relationship. I have been out of my relationship for more than a year now, and I am ready. But maybe he's not. — Tripping Out & Flipping Out
Dear Tripping out & Flipping Out, It sounds like you're schlepping around a lot of unresolved feelings over having done drugs, and it's compounding the relationship angst tenfold. You can't undo drugs, so do like I did with my concrete companion and drop it. Focusing on your acid trip is a defense mechanism. By putting the blame on chemical substances, you can distract yourself from the real reason things are weird: He's giving you mixed signals. You're kind of doing the same thing yourself, missy. You told him you wanted to tone down the intensity, but then you tell me you "really, really like him" and are in a state of "profound despair." WTF? Only offer to tone it down if you genuinely mean it. The "I'm casual! I'm cool! I don't care!" game doesn't win over anyone who's not won over already. It just means it's going to be that much longer before you get dumped. Bricks are simple creatures, but your guy is not. There are so many factors at play, getting a read is next to freakin' impossible. + He liked you in high school. What does that add up to? Even? Odd? Who knows. Gut feeling holds more weight than pluses and minuses. If you get the vibe that he's not ready for a relationship then he's probably not.
promotion
Like you, during college I made a brief foray into psychedelic drugs. And like you, I had an intense bonding experience. It was with a large red brick, not unlike this one. What was so special about this brick that I lugged it around campus for eight solid hours while my friends and I went carousing? I do not know. I remember speaking highly of Brick's exotic texture and beautiful colors, his perfectly rectangular build. There was also some idiotic babbling about the ancient Egyptians, which I won't go into 1) because it's embarrassing; and 2) because I think I've laid sufficient groundwork for my metaphor.
- He just got out of a long-term relationship.
+ He got all romantic out in the woods
- He was wasted at the time
+ He attracted enough to want to sleep with you.
- He changes his mind (and his boner) midway through
| Dear Miss Information, I have been in a relationship with a great woman for three years. At twenty-nine, I feel like I need to grow up, and I've been thinking about proposing. But recently, I ran into my ex from college on the street. She was my first love, who dumped me and started dating a good (not-so-good) friend, and it took me a while to get over that. I had hoped never to see her again. I cut ties with mutual friends and didn't return to college for reunions, football games, etc. I basically ceded my college experience to her and started fresh. Anyway, when I ran into her on the street, I found out that she is engaged to my "friend". I told her that was great, I wished her the best, and I went on my way. When I got home, I threw up and basically had a nervous breakdown. My GF is wonderful, but on reflection, she is not my ex. I think I still love my ex. I have a good thing going with my current GF, but I seemed so much happier remembering my relationship then I am in my current relationship. I wonder how truly fulfilling it is. Any advice? — Dazed and Confused |
| Dear Dazed and Confused, I moved last week. Through the process of packing of unpacking, I made two discoveries. The first is a Betty Crocker cookbook. The second is a black plastic grocery bag containing one partially eaten bag of chewy Sweet-Tarts, one bottle of men's cologne, a ridiculous number of condoms and one huge wad of cat fur. |
To many of the you, the second will seem stranger than the first. I beg to differ. I would no more know what to do with a KitchenAid than I would that goodie bag described above.
The one recipe I do know (and know well!) is Existential Crisis Cake. Want to hear it? Awesome! Here we go:
TAKE one person in their late twenties, a gawky time if there ever was one.
ADD one relationship at a "Do we or don't we?" commitment-type crossroads
STIR IN one big fat symbol of what's missing from your current relationship (in this case, full-on passionate 100% balls to the wall love)
TOP WITH one overt physical manifestation of inner turmoil (this recipe calls for puking but panic attacks and relentless insomnia are also good substitutes)
STEW FOR As long as it takes to get a handle on your feelings. Do not add superflous ingredients, such as a baby, mortgage, or marriage proposal. You're liable to burn the whole kitchen down.
Readers, what do you guys do when life hands you a bag of cat hair, cologne, and condoms? What practical or unusual techniques do you employ to sort out your emotional issues?
| Previous Miss Info |
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©2007 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
Commentarium (27 Comments)
i agree that dazed and confused should wait on proposing. but i think he needs to remember that a) college love is different than late twenties love and b) someone who dumps you remains forever alluring and easy to "stay in love" with. college love happens in a world where everything is new and your horizons are opening: first time on your own, first trips to europe, first time having sex in your own apartment,etc. these are heady times, devoid of downers like financial responsibility, exhaustion, the realization that you're human and almost 30 and not where you thought you'd be in life. so in a way, there's no way this current GF could ever be your old GF b/c you're not the college you.
also, if someone dumps you while you're still in young love, then you never get the time to find them annoying/infuriating/boring. which happens in any long term relationship sooner or later, it comes in waves, and then disappears and you get that young love feeling again.
Dear Miss Information,
Your Existential Crisis Cake is a classic recipe for a reason: it works! For me, when I was in the identical situation as the writer (well, same age, same very comfortable but not balls-to-the-wall love 4-year relationship, advice from all my friends to go for it because "this was as good as it gets"). It took 15 months of stewing before I woke up one morning and just knew my answer. I would rather live alone than with someone not 100% BTTW in love. I left and never looked back. Fast forward 2.5 years: I fell 110% in love. I recommend your recipe to all!
i am in a similar situation... stable relationship, 4+ years. he has no desire to get married have kids etc, i do. i can deal with no marriage and kids are always something that can come with time, but i am just mystified as to whether he is 110% in love. if i knew that somehow, i would be fine. but he's a quiet guy, and oddly enough, i was his first girlfriend. i don't know if his way of showing he cares is just different, or if he just doesn't. i'll have a piece of cake, please.
Hi Erin:
Loved your existential crisis cake! That was so funny and so right on the money--been there! Ah..... Cough. Cough. Sigh. It's nice to be able to laugh at it now, as opposed to back then. I both puked AND had insomnia, btw. Still don't think it's fair to have both. But thanks for letting me know I wasn't alone. Where were you...one, two...five years ago?
Thank you. I love your column. I know how much it takes to do it so well. Keep writing. XOXOXOXOXOXO
I think it's in our nature to look back on a past relationship and just remember the good parts, to glorify it even, to make it seem better than now.
Especially when what you are facing is a huge decision like marriage. While it is perfectly natural to hesitate a bit before making said decision, seeing an ex, and getting the news that they are getting married, wouldn't generally cause someone to get sick if they were happy themselves...
I definitely think all those gigantic red flags are pointing to this guy waiting.
If he decides to go through with it anyway...premarital counseling certainly wouldn't hurt.
Dazed and Confused:
In a parallel universe, you would bang your ex, she would get interested, and then you would remember all the reasons that you weren't really that happy. Or actually, if you just banged her, things would clear up. It isn't going to happen, so you will just have to intellectually *know* it couldn't have been that great.
However, you can't deal with this directly. Aside from relationships, you have a life. Focus on what is most important. Per Thomas Carlyle' "Our grandly business undoubtedly is, not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to do what lies clearly at hand." What you have seen at a distance is a mirage. When you are sitting quietly in a room with your current GF, do you feel good? If so, then don't compare her to an illusion. Don't make any big decisions -- just focus on what is clearly at hand.
tw: sir thomas carlyle, i love it! anyone who can dig up carlyle to rationalize one's reaction to a (very common) situation like this deserves some attention. wow.
At this time in your life you're starting to wonder "is this it?" because the reality of adult life is starting to sink in. so you're using the ex and the relationship with her as a dream to how things could be if only you were with her. but the fact is that eventually you would start to feel life in the same way, "is this it? because it's the time in your life and not really the person you're with. when you were with your ex you didn't have any adult responsibilities and you probably never fully examined whether you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her. with your girlfriend now you are in reality and you're starting to face and make decisions that are more lifelong or possibly lifelong decisions. maybe your current girlfriend is the one for you, maybe she isn't, but to compare her to a relationship you had when you were barely an adult is just an exercise in nostalgia. nostalgia is nice but it's not where you're living now. so look at what you have with her and see if you feel mostly happy 85% of the time. there's no guarantee anyway. i'd also say to make a list of the ten most important things to you when it comes to being with a partner. if she fits 8 of those 10 things then i'd say you have it pretty good. good luck.
being at a similar crossroads myself, I cannot recommend a ritualistic watching of "High Fidelity" enough. Funny that first a John Cusack character set the bar for totally unrealistic, fairy tale love in "Say Anything", now his character in "High Fidelity" gets to teach us how to survive the fact that we are probably never going to ever get that. Not sure if he will be tackling child rearing or ED next, but I will be waiting...
Wonderful. And the feed back is excellent as well. Probably your best column yet!
--: I am hopelessly flattered. Most people either don't get or are underwhelmed by my writing. pm me. regards.
Time. Time takes care of it. Face how much it sucks, swallow it and then wait. That's worked for me every time. A little sad bitterness hidden away like that is part of the normal, complex adult psyche. It builds character and will give you something to write about one day.
I recommend that if your readers take psychadelic drugs they not date JFK. This is exactly what happened to Mary Pinchot Meyer, the most intrigueing women since neurons conspired a good while back. Look for new movie on this women soon.
http://www.spartacus.schoolnet.co.uk/JFKmeyerM.htm
Seems like vapid CT? Check the many references from many different sources at the bottom of the thread.
I am so thrilled to hear that there are others out there having late twenties E.C. Cake. And, more importantly, that it ends. Or we eat it all and it goes away. Or something like that.
Getting married because you feel like you need to "grow up" is idiotic. Revel in the existential crisis: you've had the kick in the seat of the pants that's telling you to change your life for the better, on your own.
I'm jumping in late to the column, but this sounds like some sort of "The Last Kiss" situation. While telling someone to watch a Zach Braff movie may seem like crazy advice, it did have a lot of valid points.
I think your exgf reminds you of your youth and the crazy things you did/ I've been with the same guy since that time (except for a brief stint...) and we used to do things like have sex under pine trees on campus while walking back from class because OMG WE JUST COULD NOT WAIT! or something like that. I love him and we still have a sex life, but its not the same hormonal rage it used to be.
Also, there are certain people who will turn you on sexually more than others, but maybe are not ideal to turn you on for the other parts of life, like partnership and communication and all those boring but essential things. I have a guy like that, who is still a friend, but when I see him I have these Carrie Bradshaw Having-sex-with-mr. big-flashbacks. I just have to remember that the full package I have with my current guy is better than the...um..."full package" of the other guy.
Readers, what do you guys do when life hands you a bag of cat hair, cologne, and condoms? What practical or unusual techniques do you employ to sort out your emotional issues?
I usually don't feel the need to answer your questions, but this was too good to pass up.
I broke up with my insensitive, jealous, disrespectful 34 year old "let's get married" boyfriend in June. I was madly in love with his good qualities, but knew it couldn't last. I sprung it on him as nice as I could, broke his heart, and promptly moved to the middle of the woods in Maine so as to avoid any post break up sex, crying, or stalking incidents.
Dating wasn't yet a good idea so, I rebounded with a neighbor's horse (not like that) who needed some training. My experience with horses had since been limited to pony rides and "ooo honey look at the horsey!" I spent several hours a day "training" an 800 pound Arabian with an attitude. I walked away with one concussion, two contusions, a severely bruised tail bone, and a funny walk.
My friends feel this may have been a drastic move on my part. They would rather I stayed at home and drank away my sorrows.
Instead I drank away my bruises and pain at the local bar/restaurant often enough to catch the eye of the owner. Now I have a badly behaved horse, a limp, AND a hot, wealthy, respectful 24 year old. I think my plan worked out just fine.
RogueRider7@aol.com
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Thanks for the article! I hope the author does not mind if I use it for my course work...
Yeah, in my opinion, it is written on every fence...
I am getting married on the 15th of November. Congratulate me! Then will be here rarely...
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Hi! Everyone who reads this blog - Happy Reconciliation and Accord!!!
Yet, much is unclear. Could you describe in more details...
Now you say something