When I was dating my (white) husband, it was my Chinese grandmother he had to impress first before impressing my mum. He passed with flying colours. When we were getting married 2 years ago, the only reservation my mum expressed was the language barrier- she spoke very little English and he didn't speak any Chinese. But my mum recognized that he was a good man with a good heart who took good care of me and she gave us her blessing. It's been smooth sailing since. I'm lucky that I never had to sneak around or deceive my family about my white husband. And I'm glad that my mum was wise enough to know what was important (a person with a good heart) and what was not (skin color).

why do you call them little soldiers? thats rather offensive ... what are you referring to anyway?

get over the little soldiers thing... god sometimes people just suck... she was just trying to be funny... interesting she forsaw a battle.

When I was in college, my (Asian immigrant) mother once completely freaked out over my (Asian) boyfriend, after which I was so angry I vowed never to tell her about anyone I was dating, Asian or otherwise.

Later on, my solution when a boyfriend got serious was simply to talk to my Mom about him as if he were simply a friend, not bring up anything about a relationship, until she was comfortable about him as a respectable and responsible adult in my life. When I finally dropped the bomb later on that he was a boyfriend and not just a friend, very little freaking out ensued. I don't know if the calmness was a result of my strategy or my mother growing up a bit, but it worked nevertheless.

I agree with JJ. It's best to present your boyfriend as a "friend" casually to her mother, it's the way i got my mom used to the idea of me "hanging out" with a nice white boy. i think the biggest thing that freaks out asian moms about american culture is the way men tend to treat women and the types of relationships they have. "boyfriend" means the american style of having sex outside of marriage which to her eyes is the equivalent of being a prostitute! (crazy,i know!)she also most likely afraid of her daughter being used and cast aside, possibly with a child out of wedlock (asian cultures tend to view this with great shame).
in my case, i brought around my boyfriend as my "friend" and gave my parents lots of time to see that he's a really great guy. we kept the P.D.A to a minimum around my parents and slowly intergrated him into our lives. first with just casual "hellos" and "goodbyes" to sitting around watching tv together and having dinner. chatting with my mom about all the nice/cute things my "friend" did helped give her opportunities to express how she felt about him without getting all defensive and worried. pretty soon she was bugging me about when we were getting married since at age 25 i was getting long in the tooth! i never called my boyfriend "my boyfriend" to my parents. he pretty much went from "friend" to "fianc

It seems to me that SM is not being honest with herself when she phrases the porn thing in terms of her wanting to "share everything" with her boyfriend. A lot of what she said her letter seemed to me to imply that she would be the type of girlfriend who would totally freak out if she got a glimpse of what her boyfriend--not because he's watching anything particularly freaky, but because she'd compare herself to the girls and obsess over whether he wished her boobs/butt/labia were bigger/smaller/perkier etc., and why does he need that stuff when he has a real, live woman? I'd guess the boyfriend has picked up on this and trying to avoid the inevitable hours of reassurance he'd have to provide were he to allow her a peak.

"what he'd like me to look like"
"cry about how it is taking a chunk of my self-esteem and flushing it down the toilet" (if someone is concerned that their partner isn't sharing everything with them, they phrase it more in terms of "it worries me about the depth/intimacy of the relationship," not their personal self esteem
"He tells me it has nothing to do with me. He says I am gorgeous, that he is incredibly turned on by me" (if it's about him not sharing, why are these the reassurances he's giving?)
"I want to know what he gets from watching this stuff and seeing pictures of other girls."

SM should know that 99% of women in porn are women no man ever wants to hook up with in real life. It's mindless fodder, it's just passing the time. It might not even be a sexual thing. Don't try to change yourself into some "ideal" pornstar that you think he wishes you were. He probably is crazy about you exactly as-is.

I'll throw in my twenty Won. Apologies if I ramble.

I was born and raised in the South, in the Atlanta area, and my first *real* love happened to be a non-Korean, being somewhat of a mutt: predominantly French/Dutch, with a smidgen of Native Peoples; I recall Cherokee, but I'm not so sure about that. (This, of course, was in high school, which only compounded matters.)

When it first started, I naturally didn't mention it to my mother; what teenaged boy would start a conversation about that, particularly about a girl he'd been friends with for a while? Heck, romantic entanglements generally aren't mentioned, I think, unless directly inquired, or if there's some sort of feeling that it might be going somewhere.

It wasn't until several months in when it came up between my mother and myself; it wasn't quite a pleasant discussion, as you could guess--mom told me to end it, I said no, and things quickly escalated to the point where I was being lectured to in Korean, while I was replying and arguing back in English. This pattern would repeat itself repeatedly over the course of the entire relationship, which lasted until the second year of college; the arguments would only end when I finally "capitulated", which entailed me saying that I would stop dating her, only to continue on in secret. At the time, I felt that little white lies of omission would keep everyone happy; it was the path of least resistance.

The sort of secrecy and compartmentalization, however, that I had to engage in for the relationship, didn't win me any brownie points with my girlfriend, either. She hated that she couldn't share special days with me if my family already had plans; birthdays were thorny issues, which often had to be covered up with the assistance of mutual friends. Even during college, when we would visit each other, I'd make no mention of where I was or fib when asked who was with me when mom called. She once even mentioned she almost felt like some sort of mistress, unable to be public about our situation around some people. Her parents, naturally, took her side on the matter; while they liked me just fine, and suggested to me that I was (almost) perfect, they didn't appreciate the fact that I made their daughter hide this sort of thing from my family.

While the relationship didn't end solely because of this, I'm quite certain that it contributed quite a bit toward the end. I couldn't fault her for it being one of her grievances, either.

It wasn't until after it was actually over that mom explained to me that, unlike my Grandmother, who opposed it based on the grounds of ethnicity, my cousin, who opposed it because he didn't think she was remotely attractive (a point which I, quite naturally, disagreed), she hated it because I was still in school; the girl was white and even by her account, a pretty good person, and that she was "acceptable". (My younger brother had always sorta liked her because she was nice.) At that age, however, I should have had my eyes on textbooks, not flesh. That there's plenty of time to start looking for romance once I was out of college and had a decent job. (As an aside, she did explain that while she had no problem with me dating whites or certain Asians, she didn't want anyone whose skin was darker than mine; for all the crap white people get for racism, you'd be surprised just how biased all Asians can be. Also, she wouldn't approve of my dating anyone who happened to be male, for two reasons she mentioned: it goes against God, and that there is no such thing as a Gaysian--like disrespect for teachers, frivolous lawsuits, and serial killers, "the Gay" is an American thing--so, like a good son, I don't even suggest that there's a part of me like that.)

I wish I could say I learned a lot from this experience; truth is, I haven't, really, not in application, anyway. In theory, I know that this sort of secrecy is a bad thing, compounding any sort of parent-child difficulties that naturally occur, and subtly but slowly polluting the romantic relationship; the feeling that the other family doesn't want to include you at all isn't a good one, but to force the partner to choose between family and significant other is a Sophie's choice. In practice, out of college and not living with family anymore, I still find compartmentalization easier--relationships are simply something I don't talk about with mom, since I still haven't been able to get past the small sense of bitterness regarding the whole affair.

Cowardly, I suppose. But keeping things on a need to know basis makes things calmer and easier for everyone. Plausible deniability, y'know, or "saving face".

Dear Miss I,
did I not get something? The Asian-aspect of "Deading the battle" escaped me; i guess. To me her mother could have immigrated to the US from anyplaceonearth
Your analysis / advice make perfect sense to me, esp. the part about her state of mind after the initial friction.

I enjoy reading your work

one key piece of information that seems to be missing is the age of the boy and the girl. the fact that she refers to him as a "boy" might be a hint. if she's over eighteen, then i'd say, grow up. u can respect ur family without worrying so much about what they think of your boyfriend. they'll probably never like any of them anyway. if she's under 18, i'd be curious about why the lack of interest. is this the first boyfriend? one of many? maybe your family is on to something. is he much older? much younger? same age? the questions keep mounting up. if she's under 18 maybe they figure, this too shall pass. and, hey, maybe it's not so bad that they're not interested. after all, they could be REALLY interested and want to know everything about your boyfriend. like EVERYTHING. which is better? which is worse?

"culture is not your friend" -Terence McKenna