Dear Miss Information,
I'm taking medication for depression and panic disorder and lately I've been having trouble getting erect. I haven't told my girlfriend. She's very into homeopathic medicine and would probably look down on me. I know it's a mental illness and I shouldn't be ashamed. Every time I go to tell her I lose my nerve. The other day she asked if I was cheating. Any advice? — It's The Pills |
Dear It's The Pills,
Yes. Tell Sugar Magnolia Rainbow Tits that your dick doesn't work because you're on meds. Put the blame where it belongs — on the overpaid chemists at Pfizer — not your one-eyed buddy who's been there for you for life.
There's a certain amount of paranoia associated with being in a relationship with someone with ongoing dick problems. No matter how many times he says, "It's not you, it's me," you can't help but wonder if you have really bad technique or your pussy is as roomy as two airplane hangars. Your girlfriend's going to feel a certain degree of relief knowing that your performance issues aren't directly related to her, and that they may, in fact, be curable.
On to the exact phrasing. I wouldn't use the term "mental illness," even though depression qualifies as such, and so do panic attacks. The overwhelming feeling that something sinister is afoot at Kmart and you must now back out of line and abandon your cart full of tampons, bottled water, saline solution, and this really trashy-but-cute pair of earrings goes way beyond a bad mood. Anyone who's ever had one knows it takes a little more than rose petal tincture to knock it out of the park.
However. I assume you hold down a job. You're in a relationship. You own a computer. You know how to send an email. You haven't sent me any pictures of your dog's penis via cellphone. You're a normal fucked-up guy with issues, like everybody else. So get over yourself and stop being so lame. Wait until you're in a non-sexual situation, then tell her what's up. Tell her what specific drug you are taking, what the side effects are, how long you've been on it, whether you're seeing a shrink, and so on.
She's probably going to want to know if you ever plan on getting off the drug or switching to one with different side effects. Legitimate questions. Just as you have a right not to feel cuckoopants, she has a right to want to be penetrated. Try to keep the conversation centered on problem-solving, not a political debate. Even if she does change your mind, don't go making any major changes without consulting your doctor. Girlfriends are not shrinks. Unless they happen to be shrinks. In which case, well — that's really convenient, isn't it?
Dear Erin,
I am not your typical lovelorn case. At forty-eight and brimming with sexuality and good health, I still believe I will find that ever-elusive Mr. Right. I realize that at this point in my life, I may have to tone down my idealism and don reality glasses. So, with this in mind, I started dating a sweet, overweight man three-and-a-half years younger, who was recently widowed. He has more charm and soulfulness than all the men I've known put together. But he has sexual dysfunction issues brought on by his antidepressant. Although he has started exercising for the first time in his life, he is not very aggressive about his workout program, nor is he being proactive about his erection issues, both of which he knows bother me. He won't see a therapist, as he says he's dealt with the passing of his wife of twenty years. To compound matters, he also has two dogs who sleep in bed with him every night. I tried sleeping over once and had a bad asthma attack. I eat well, exercise, and care about my physical and mental well-being. Am I compromising too much? Does he care, or is he still in mourning, but in denial? He says every relationship has issues and these are not the worst. — Unhappy in Compromise Land |
Dear Unhappy in Compromise Land,
"Care about your physical and mental well-being," huh? Well, one out of two ain't bad. Reality glasses are great, UCL. I just got fitted for a pair of tri-anyone-without-an-active-warrant-focals myself. But what you've got here is a real fixer-upper — recently widowed, resistant to therapy, prone to equipment failure, keeps allergenic pets with boundary issues. If this guy were a house, he'd have a family of cobras in the foundation.
I'm sure he cares about you, but he's really messed up. He probably will be — for a long, long time. It's great he's on crazy pills, but he should really be talking to a shrink. The fact that he's not, and doesn't feel he needs to, doesn't give me a lot of hope.
I agree with your boyfriend. These are not the worst issues. But it doesn't sound to me like you are interested in waiting around while this person grows and changes. And why would you? You haven't known each other that long, you don't have children, the sex is sub-par and you're not living together or married.
There may be a guy that you're willing to be Dr. Ruth/Freud/Mother Theresa for, and you'll know when you find him. Keep looking. Your letter doesn't read like someone who's found her slightly imperfect Mr. Right, but rather someone who's grown increasingly rigid, tired and frustrated. I'm not hearing a lot of empathy or positivity. Granted, that's easy for me to say — I'm not covered in Irish Setter fur and sucking on an inhaler. Separate yourself as kindly as you can and find someone who's in an emotional state more in line with yours, more capable of giving you what you need.
Dear Miss Information,
My wife and I are looking for some new ways to keep it interesting. We're open to anything that doesn't involve extra people. Ideas?
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Go to the dollar store. Buy a couple economy-size bottles of baby oil and several of those cheapo shower curtains. Strip down, put on some theme music, and turn your bedroom into an amateur wrestling arena.
Readers, want to try and top this? Feedback is now open for any and all kinky suggestions. |
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©2007 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
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Commentarium (29 Comments)
>>> Buy a couple economy-size bottles of baby oil and several of those cheapo shower curtains. Strip down, put on some theme music, and turn your bedroom into an amateur wrestling arena. <<<
Um... I feel funny where-my-bathing-suit-covers... I think I need to go find an adult...
Have the guy dress up in a George Bush mask and have the girl dress up like the American flag while he fucks her - preferably up the ass.
Have him dress up like her and her like him and switch sexual roles for the evening.
Bill Clinton Mask for him/Blue Gap dress for her.
Record a Sunday morning evangelical program and fuck while the preacher is talking about sin and Jesus.
One night one partner is tied up and brought almost to the point of orgasm several times but never allowed release. The next night the roles are switched and it's the other one who is tied up, teased and denied.
She dresses up like Hilary, he dresses up like Bush. She gets a strap on and pegs him.
First two callers: simple solution. Little blue pill. Buy it online if you're embarrassed. Better living thru chemistry.
General comment. SSRI's are bad news for sexual functioning. It is worse then the published statistics on the insert sheets, on the off chance that anyone actually reads them (including the prescribing physicians). Wellbutrin isn't the same sort of deal killer in the sack. Anyway, whoever is prescribing these drugs should be discussing sexual side effects and possible strategies, including vitamin V. So definitely discuss this with your doctor. As for 'it's the pills' discuss with gf asap. Even if you can't get it up, she needs to know what's going on, and you can also do what you can to keep the frustration level from getting out of hand. Meanwhile Ms Compromise, you need to read your guy the riot act. Basically, if he is playing the depression card, he needs to be proactive about therapy as well as meeting your needs. Otherwise, he isn't a lover but just a pal, and you need to get cracking if you want to get laid. He's probably a great guy and all, but consider the trend, and it is going in the wrong direction.
Some of these responses are quite insensitive, even ignorant; untreated depression is life threatening. I understand that sexual side-effects are those that some people find intolerable, and I think it's legitimate to discuss this with your psychiatrist, but if you're stable on your current medication you might not want to risk upsetting the balance.
Literally wrestling is actually a lot of fun. I do this with my wife every now and then. Actual greco-roman wrestling starting in the traditional position and everything. Naked, of course. With orfices pre-lubed for any contingency. It's pretty clear what I get when I pin her shoulders to the ground for the count of 10 and win. But I've always wondered exactly what she would get if she won. Which hasn't happened yet.
Probably we should get her a strap-on just in case she manages to get the better of me.
Dear Erin,
Re "It's the pills". For depression and anxiety attacks, no class of drug works as well as the SSRIs. However, as the writer laments, a very common side-effect for men is decreased libido, and/or delayed ejaculation. Although viagra does not directly increase libido, it does so indirectly by reflex arcs from the Grateful Dead. This is a good solution, and one that the writer (and his girlfriend, or not) should discuss with the person who oversees the SSRIs.
A long-term admirer
I am certainly not suggesting that any depressed individual not get treated. First, we don't even know if they are going to psychiatrists. Primary care physicians frequently perscribe antidepressents. It is also my opinion that people should know as much as possible about treatment options. In addition, I'm suggesting that Ms Compromise's BF should do more then simply take drugs. He should get therapy and also exercise has proven to do well in double blind studies vs medication. At the very least, the BF has a relationship problem. Anyway, this is an internet sex column and people are expressing opinions, not giving professional advice.
My husband initially has erectile issues when we first met, not because he's depressed but because he's type II diabetic and a smoker (not a good combination). He's since given up the smoking (5 months - yea) and used Cialis in the meantime. Now he's getting feeling back here, there and everywhere and the ol' fella is starting to work the way it used to. The key for us was communication, patience and the use of alternative methods of pleasure aside from penetration. Now he warns alot of younger men who smoke to knock it off or they'll start losing their erection & enjoyment power once they hit their 40's - even if they aren't diabetic.
JM,
You are offering medical advice when you state that everyone's goal must be to get off meds. You don't know everyone, and you are in no position to state what their goals should be.
I'm glad you posted though, because you are an illustration of what the first poster is going to have to face when he tells his girlfriend. "You don't need pills honey, just change your attitude."
Using medication and changing your attitude are not mutually exclusive. Exercise helps with depression, but I know I find it much easier to exercise when I am not lying in a dark room trying not to commit suicide. In fact, when I am in that lying-in-a-dark-room state, standing up to walk to the bathroom is as much as I can do without totally collapsing. Medication gets me out of the house, spending time with friends, working for an income, cooking, washing my dishes. Living my life as a competent person is a huge boost to the attitude.
JM, you have no idea whether or not I need medication to maintain my life as a competent adult - but you think you do based on your own experience. Neither of us know if Its The Pills needs to take meds for life or whether he's on the right meds for him, or even whether meds are a good choice at all for him right now. It's The Pills probably doesn't know for sure yet either, or his doctor. (It sounds like he hasn't been taking them that long.) But his girlfriend thinks she knows better than all of us and will tell him so. It's The Pills doesn't want to have to deal with that kind of attack on something he's doing to take care of himself, and he's right.
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It's The Pills,
You might want to consider taking your girlfriend with you to an appointment, either with your doctor or your psychologist. You shouldn't be made to feel as if you need to choose between your girfriend and your life, and your doctor should be able to help you guys reframe your discussions to be less polarised.
It also sounds like you could use a talk therapist to help you work through your own thoughts, goals and ideas so that you are prepared to stand your ground when challenged by someone you love.
I'm on meds and for the most part find Vitamin V solves the problem.
The only exception is if you are on Paxil. When I was on Paxil nothing would make it work. But as soon as I switched to other meds Viagra did the trick.
Dear Unhappy, let me get this straight, you're a 48 yr old woman and still optimistic? I probably ought to temper what I'm about to say, but the truth of the matter here is that if you're not rich or gorgeous or ESPECIALLY young-looking (do you look 30? probly not), you're not gonna have all that much to choose from (by that age anything even half-decent is taken or divorced for good reason), especially if you live in a place with a limited number of people to interact with. Why would you go for someone you feel is beneath you anyway? Here's a thought - water finds its level. Maybe you're not all that and should accept it, but hey, maybe you are - go ahead and prove me wrong and you won't have to write in to these b.s. advice columns.
G.C.: Wow, lotta anger there; you might want to look at that. It would be sad to lose optimism that one can grow and meet a good partner, whether one is 28, 48 or 68. But it's worth noting that, contrary to most people's behavior, a bad relationship is actually worse than none at all. Compromise is good and necessary; settling is bad. Figuring out where that line is is difficult. G.C., I'm 44 and single (and male), but I've done a lot of work over the years to figure out why that is and what my role is in not having the relationship I want (and I assure you, it was not in any way due to my thinking I was "all that"). Living optimistically and with an open heart, working on oneself to be better, that's really the only way to be happy in life. This woman is honestly trying. I doesn't sound to me like this is the right guy, but I'm not living her life. But I'll tell you this: If he's not, then her attitude is the right one to lead her to finding a guy who is.
AJC, chill out, we're all just offering out 2 cents, no one's going to take my advice if none of it rings true for them. Besides, you're going to hate this post even more. Anyway, my advice is/was...aim to eventually get off pills WITH PROPER PROFESSIONAL HELP. I'm not saying try it on your own, or without someone who believes it's possible and will try to help you do so. All I advocated was seeking the right help and talking to them about if one can eventually get off pills...is that so terrible to advise, advising someone to ask a therapist if they're able to eventually get off pills? And it ISN'T just MY advice...there are PLENTY of doctors/professionals out there, counselling, writing books, etc, who believe our "take a pill" culture over-prescribes, to children (ADHD anyone?), to adults, etc. I didn't just make this idea up on my own based on my own experience. Rather, I have bought into what MANY professionals have been saying for years. I think we're too much into "take a pill". Rather than assuming a pill can cure everything that's "wrong" with you (which isn't always true), I think it would be better if people would assume that taking a pill can be the BEGINNING of curing what's "wrong" with you. You say I have no idea if you or "It's The Pills" need meds. True. You sound so committed to meds, I wonder if you have any idea if you need them either. You can never have any idea without the right therapist. Yes, plenty of people need meds to help "get the ball rolling" so to speak, but I think thereafter, plenty of people could eventually get off meds (& it won't take years), with the right therapy. There are plenty of doctors/professionals who believe that 99% of people, even ones with "severe" bi-polar, depression, etc, can be fine without meds. I'm inclined to agree with them. As for "Pills", if he dislikes the side-effects, it's never too early to start investigating whether there's a path that can lead to him being happy and med-free. As for "Pills" girlfriend, you assume she'd attack, but even "Pills" can't know what she'd think, at this point he just has his fears about it. But you already offered good advice about how he could broach the topic.
Dear Miss Information,
Update from: Lost in Compromised Land
I opened your column and to my shock came across my letter penned to you some 4 confused months ago. Since then, my widowed beau has upped his exercise regime and has grown into a buff-looking man creature who enjoys going to the gym and taking better care of his diet. He's also halved his dose of Zoloft, which has reaped remarkable results in the bedroom!His self-confidence has grown and so has my sense of well-being. Our relationship has actually gotten better, and he's finally scheduled to meet with my shrink who happens to be a couples counselor, in a couple of weeks. He says he's always wanted support and motivation to stick to a workout/diet routine, and I've provided the incentive. We work out together. However, his late wife's death 1-year anniversary is coming up in 2 weeks. He's grown depressed again, so doubled his medication and lost his mojo temporarily. I think I can't desert him at this difficult time, though you probably think I'm a loser by now. Yes, no?
Update from Lost in Compromise Land, AGAIN:
REM: I was heartened to read your letter of support and encouragement. GC, you sound bitter and disillusioned. I am still engaged in this business of Life, for better or worse, so I still have hope. FYI: I do look like 30; it's true that "black don't crack," but you'll never find out, will you? I am blessed with good health and with what I've been told is the body of someone half my age (who works out, that is). I'm just lucky that way. I try to maintain an open outlook on life. Please read theupdate to my original cry for help. Antidepressants affect men in an unfortunate way. Studies show their libido is more affected than women's; I needed to do the research. Viagra does not help with delayed ejaculation caused by desensitization of the penis. This condition has an otherwise normal man, whacking, smacking, cracking and thwacking the sensitive organ in the hopes of an orgasm. Truly heartbreaking. So, GC, thanks, but no thanks for your advice. I may not be rich, but I'm "perdy" fine looking and sweet.
Are you a loser? Heck no! As long as you're happy and getting screwed once every few moons or so, that's the most important thing. Thanks for the update, SAM. xxoxox Miss Info
P.S. MORE DIRTY STORIES! xoxox Miss Info
A kiddy pool and jello.
strip off and dance
location location location - new places. make it risky in the city or romantic in the woods...
8uaerC Pleased to read intelligent thoughts in Russian. I`ve been living in England for already 5 years...
Stupid article!!!
Author, keep doing in the same way!!!
It's pleasant sitting at work to distract from it�to relax and read the information written here:)))
Scribbler, give me a student's record-book!)))
It's straight to the point! You could not tell in other words! :)))
Stupid article!!!
Now you say something