Advice

Miss Information

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Dear Miss Information,
I’m not very sexually experienced. I’ve only slept with one person — more of a friend-with-benefits than a boyfriend. He bought me a vibrator right before we broke up. I never had the courage to break it out and neither did he, so we never actually got to use it. This is going to sound stupid, but I can’t figure out how to get it in and make it stay there. Every time I try, my pussy just kind of pushes it out. What the fuck? Am I too loose? Ejected


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Dear Ejected,
On the contrary. You’re probably too tight. You need to relax, Ejected. It sounds like your muscles are clenching up. Sometimes a lightweight piece of plastic is no match for an aperture capable of expelling nine-pound humans and ping-pong balls.

There’s also the matter of lubrication. Are you using too little? Too much? You might want to try a vibe with a different size or shape, or the same one you’re already using but on a lower setting. You ever see someone’s cell buzz so hard it falls off the bar table? Same principle.

What about the way you’re using it? Try sitting up vs. lying on your back, on your side, stomach, bathtub (if it’s waterproof) and see if that makes a difference. Forgive me if this sounds rudimentary, but are you holding on to Buzz Lightyear with one or both hands? If not, grab on. Your little lady’s strong, but C-cells have an unfair advantage.

Finally, just cause all that plastic’s there doesn’t mean you have to use it. I know a lot of females who only use the first inch of their vibe. Penetration, schmenetration. They just hold it against their clit. Same orgasm, and if you wear panties you can drastically cut down on the number of times you have to wash the freakin’ thing. My dishwashing aversion extends to dildos, so it’s great for lazy sluts like me.

Until Jobs and Gates come out with a self-cleaning sex toy, check out the Luxury Collection at GoodVibes.com as you’re scoping out a replacement. I’m particularly in love with the YVA Steel. (Velvet rope and hunky museum guard sold separately).
 

Dear Miss Information,
I’ve been "dating" this guy for three months. We rarely see each other. We’ve only been out six or seven times. Last time we got together, I decided I didn’t want to drink or fool around with a guy who calls me so sporadically. But I’ve caved in, because he’s one of the few men I’ve met who’s my age and doesn’t seem ancient. I usually date men in their late twenties (my bad, and a subject for another letter) even though I’m forty-one. Recently he wrote me a short note, acting as if there hadn’t been fifteen days of silence. I wrote him back telling him I didn’t want to pursue this any further.

He wrote me back a long letter about his complicated work life and all the business trips he’s taken recently. He says I should have pursued him more and he’s very disappointed. Come on. He’s spent hundreds of dollars taking me out those few times over the past three months. Does a man do all this just for sporadic sex? I’m pretty sure the answer is yes! He has never made any noise about wanting to be my boyfriend. He says if we get more intimate, I’ll be on his mind more.
That’s BS. This man literally forgets I exist for weeks at a time. This is not the first guy this has happened with. Is there a new trend toward men having a bullpen of women they "date" very sporadically over a few months, hoping that six or seven dinners will buy them intercourse? Wouldn’t it be cheaper just to hire a prostitute? — The Ghost and Mrs. Demure



Dear Mrs. Demure,
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Demure. This guy’s a john just because he doesn’t call you enough? That’s some pretty fucked-up reasoning. Yes, whether you’re getting laid factors into anyone’s motivations. But to use it as the be-all-end-all is over-simplifying. Your booty’s good. But it’s not that good, sweetie. "All cats are grey in the dark,” says kite runner and cougar lover Ben Franklin.

Despite your sexist, one-size-fits-all explanations, I do think you’re an emotionally perceptive person. You realized the impact Amnesia Man’s actions were having on your feelings and set up protective boundaries. Then you went back and violated those boundaries. Bad, Demure, bad. Now you’re blaming him. He’s a jerk who just wants sex. All men just want sex. He just wanted to get me drunk on expensive Bourdeaux and out of my lobster bib.

I know a very cute, very cool guy named M. He always wants to spend more time together, I blow him off. Why? Because he’s made it clear he doesn’t want a relationship. I do. For that reason, I feel justified assigning him lower priority and acting kind of flaky. I tell him I’ll hang out and then I cancel. One minute I’m flirting like a madwoman, the next I’m pulling away. Who’s more of a sleaze? Me or your guy? I’d say it’s about equal. We’re both acting in line with our priorities.
Amnesia Man isn’t necessarily wrong. He’s just wrong for you. As hard as it is, you have to not try to form ideas and biases against entire genders and people you haven’t even met yet. It doesn’t guard against bad apples. It just repels nice folks, because you come off bitter and jaded.

 


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