Advice

Miss Information

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Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.


Dear Miss Information,
   I have been in a relationship with a great guy for three years. A few months ago, I came for my first time with him, and began to orgasm regularly during oral sex. This was a surprise, because for years I thought that the pleasurable feelings I had during sex were orgasms. The problem is this: I haven’t been able to come in six weeks without the use of a vibrator. I’ve been masturbating to pictures of women, despite being incredibly attracted to my boyfriend and men in general.
   I’ve read that vibrators can numb genital sensation, but I’ve also read that’s a myth. But ever since I acquired my toy, I have been unable to reach the same level of pleasure without it. I’m also wondering if I have some sort of anxiety about receiving oral sex after one bad incident during which my boyfriend went down on me for a long period of time then got frustrated when I didn’t come.
   What’s going on? Am I addicted to my vibrator? Am I suddenly afraid of oral sex? Does my visual interest in females diminish my sexual interest in males? I want us both to come together and I can’t figure out why such a strong and enjoyable physical reaction would suddenly stop. — Anxious


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Dear Anxious,
   First of all, congrats on coming and don’t feel stupid for not recognizing the Big O. Unlike boys, females aren’t born with indicators as obvious as a big glob of white stuff. Determining whether you’ve had an orgasm can be more difficult (by the way, squirters can save it — you girls are smug enough already). I masturbated for years before a love affair with Mr. Shower Massage taught me what it was to truly climax. Too bad my parents had to take out a second mortgage to pay the water bill. Ah, puberty.
   I wouldn’t feel bad for digging on pictures of women. We live in a society where we’re exposed to 100 images of half-naked women for every one of a half-naked man. Maybe you’re just more accustomed to seeing sexualized images of females, therefore it’s more appealing to you. Or maybe you just like looking at tits. Either way, don’t worry. Actions (like a three year committed relationship) speak louder than jerkoff material.
   As for the vibrator issue. I don’t think you need to toss your batteries for a Twelve Step program. I do think you need to start going freehand more often. Even if you don’t come, enjoy it for what it is and know that you can come if you want to — you’re just getting back in practice. It’s going to suck at first (think taking the stairs instead of the escalator), but the versatility you’ll develop is worth it.
   Finally, R-E-L-A-X. Lots of girls (and even some guys) CAN’T EVEN COME. I’m not saying that’s a good thing, but you’ve made some big strides. Stop obsessing about getting the Eye of the Tiger back and try to focus on how far you’ve come (no pun intended). Once you do, great orgasms are gonna follow. If not, bring back old Buzz. There’s no crime in coming by plastic means.

Dear Miss Information,
   I recently broke up with my girlfriend of four years. It was a pretty intense relationship, with frequent talks of the future. However, for the whole host of reasons that make long-distance relationships impossible, I fell out of love with her. I tried my best to fall back in love — but to no avail. So after drawing up all my courage, I came out and ended things. She’s very hurt, and it doesn’t help that it’s her first major heartbreak.
   The question is…what now? Should I completely cut off all contact and risk having her hate me? Can I do anything to help her get over this without sending the wrong signals? What’s the best way to help a girl who you care about, but no longer love, get over you? — Ashamed Heartbreaker

Dear Heartbreaker,
   Being a good dumper means wearing many hats, including a few that say “#1 Shithead” on the front in fuzzy letters.
   You have to be attentive and affectionate, but not so much that your ex thinks she still has a chance. Patient and supportive, but without sacrificing your own mental state for someone who alternates between begging to have your babies and threatening to stab out your guts with a screwdriver.
   In short, it’s a balancing act and it takes a lot of time (and Little Debbie products) to get it right. Generally, less contact is best in the beginning. You guys are experiencing some really strong emotions and transitional relationships are like a soufflé — extremely sensitive. One wrong word or gesture and it will all come crashing down. That’s why Miss Information thinks it’s best to avoid them (and cooking) altogether.
   Right now you need to follow her lead as far as level of contact. If she says leave her alone, then leave her the hell alone. You can’t force her to be friends, and if you give her time she’ll probably mellow.
   There is one important caveat to this directive: if her definition of “friend” involves behaviors that venture back into boyfriend/girlfriend category, then you need to put a stop to it.
   She’ll tell you that occasionally fucking or spending the night together is okay because she’s “not taking it seriously” but that’s the fucked-up rationale of someone who just got dumped and isn’t thinking clearly. If you go along with it because you’re feeling guilty/horny/whatever, then you’re fucking with her head and you only have yourself to blame.


Dear Miss Information,
   I love getting blowjobs and coming in a girl’s mouth. For that reason I make every effort to make my come as tasty as possible. I drink lots of pineapple juice as I’ve heard it makes it taste sweeter. Can you give me any other tips to improve my taste? I don’t taste bad but I want to make sure I’m as good as it gets. I read on the Internet about some pills made for that purpose. Do these work? Are they worth the money? Thanks. — Looking Out for Willing Girls

Dear Looking Out,
Whose bodily fluids would you rather swallow?
   Guy A eats a good diet, drinks lots of water, ingests nasty substances (alcohol, tobacco, caffeine, circus peanuts) in limited quantities and sees the inside of a gym at least once every calendar year.
   Guy B swallows some potion containing God-knows-what coming from God-knows-where in the hopes that he’ll have tastier spunk and a still-intact savings account after handing over his credit card number to some low-life overseas.
   If you picked Guy B, it’s a good thing your man-seed is headed for the inside of somebody’s mouth, otherwise I’d have some serious concerns for our gene pool.
   Looking Out, there’s no magic formula for making your output taste better. Unless you’re getting lots of complaints, there are more important things to worry about. Where the hell’s your common sense is one. I bet you ordered Sea Monkeys as a kid.
   P.S. I hope you’re not swilling all that pineapple juice when you’re out at the bar. That’s creepy as hell and a surefire way not to get a BJ. Grab a beer (or at least a Pepsi) instead.  



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