Want to play Miss Info for a day? Send an email to erin@nerve.com with a 350-word-or-less response to the question at the end of this week's column. Next week I'll post the winners.
1st prize: Membership to Nerve Premium
2rd prize: Jumbo assortment of UTZ brand snacks (The NYC junk food of choice — accept no substitute!)
3rd prize: Gift certificate for iTunes so you can download the latest young-people internet album.
Obviously there's a lot at stake here, people. All entries must be submitted by noon on Monday, November 12th. Good luck!
Dear Miss Information,
Last year I dated a girl whom I met through a dating service. I ignored all the warning signs she had given me — emotional volatility and drug use— and continued to see her. After all, she was cute and seemed to adore me. I broke up with her several times because she could not control her self-destructive behavior. Long after we broke up, she showed up at my house and attacked me in my doorway and front yard. My public image was bruised more than anything. My new girlfriend, who was at my house when this happened, forgave the incident and still dates me. She did, however, start to search for my ex-girlfriend online.
Quickly my new girlfriend found a six-month-long blog featuring the most intimate details of my sex life, penned by the crazed ex-girlfriend. I had no idea that this was being written. I was disgusted and angry. The entire blog is a self-rationalization of my ex's bad behavior. Through attorneys, I was able to have my name removed, but I am still furious over the misrepresentations. Though I have managed to go a whole year without doing anything, I am finding myself compelled to post a scathing comment on my ex's blog. How bad of an idea is this? I just want my side of the story heard and her lies dispelled. Is there a self-help remedy, or is it best just to avoid her? — Blog Fodder |
Dear Blog Fodder,
This is a Spruce-Goose Pluto-Nash of an idea, Blog Fodder. For the following reasons:
1. You're pissing off an unstable person.
2. You're lowering yourself to her level.
3. You're giving potential girlfriends even more negative Google fodder. The only thing crazier than a crazy person online is the other crazy person who engages them.
4. You're taking all that money you spent on attorneys and throwing it down the cybertoilet. Should she decide to sue you back, any self-respecting legal defense is going to laugh you out of his office.
Your ex's blog is not the right place to air your side of the story. It's a biased, captive audience, there for ego-stroking and circle jerks (not that those of us who write blogs don't appreciate those loving strokes — both ego and otherwise — very, very much). Do not call this woman. Do not email her. Do not send her cookie bouquets. Do not read her blog. Change your phone number and keep any personal information offline.
If there are a few close friends to whom you feel you must defend your reputation, talk to them in-person or send a short neutrally-worded email saying something to the effect of, "Miss Crazy and I went through some tough times. I value our friendship, and hope you'll continue to do so as well. If you have any questions about what went down or anything that troubles you, I'd be happy to talk."
You can basically tell prospective girlfriends the same thing: "I dated this person. We had some issues, she posted about them online. I hope you won't read them, but if you do, that you'll consider that there might be another side to the story."
You know what that is? Class. One-hundred percent. The dirtbag's in the details, so don't offer them up.
Dear Miss Information,
I am a single male. Why should that be considered an open invitation for all of my female friends to practice their matchmaking wizardry on me? I live in Seoul, South Korea, and single women are quite abundant. But a single guy who has a good job and a large apartment is expected to go out on an oat-sowing expedition whenever he's not at work. I hate being rude to my friends, but I love having the bachelor life. How do I get them to back off? — Solo Seoul Man |
Dear Solo Seoul Man,
I don't like to dance. It takes away from the two things I enjoy most about being in a bar: sitting still and drinking. You know who loves to dance? My friends. Yep, it's 1992 forever, and they're all jumping around like gay ravers at the Burning Man School for Performing Arts. Come dancing! Come dancing! No. Come dancing! Come dancing! No. Come dancing! Come dancing! Fine, but only if you promise to let me just chill at the bar. And of course we all know how this one ends. Grandma winds up forced onto the dance floor.
It only got better when I learned how to be direct. "Sorry, not my scene," replaced "Sorry, I'm busy." Instead of, "Gosh, that sounds fun," I'd respond, "I'd rather spend a day in a fart-filled conference room with a blazing hangover doing team-building exercises."
Friends are kind of cool. You need them for when you get locked out, lifting heavy items, looking after your cats, heavy items that fall on your cats, and so on. So make sure to follow up your stern rejections with either a reciprocal gesture of friendship ("Hey, not interested in Sue Lin, but let's hit the beach or grab some barbecue"), or a graceful change of subject.
Once they lay off, as my friends eventually did, reverse psychology will kick in and you'll probably do a 180. I'm still not the first one out there, but nowadays you put on the right tune and I'm out there shaking an ass feather. My dancing reluctance and your girlfriend reluctance are kind of a great metaphor for relationships. You're always so much more confident and into it when you arrive there on your own.
Miss Information For A Day Question:
Dear Miss Information,
About three months ago, after ending a very long, serious relationship, I decided to give internet dating a try. I've gone on dates with about eight different people, and have had meaningful correspondences with several others too far away to meet. I don't have much problem getting dates this way.
The problem? I'm not getting any second dates! I'd say I'm honest and upfront (without being negative or bitter) and my pictures are recent. I'm smart, I'm cute, I'm funny. (Seriously!) I think I have meaningful conversations with my dates, and we have a good time. A few make-out sessions have resulted, and they all say things like "I had a really great time, I'll call you."
Then they never call! I have no problem if we just don't "click," but I don't really appreciate it when they say they'll call and they don't. I feel like a person's word is extremely important, and I feel like I'm being lied to. You'd think that some of them would have been interested in seeing me again. . . even just as friends. What's going on here? — Not Calling |
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©2007 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
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Commentarium (10 Comments)
Not Calling:
"I'll call you" is like "lets do lunch." It's a way to leave things on a positive note without having to be too creative. So, forget the betrayal, breaking one's word perspective.
Why can't you call them? I am assuming that since this wasn't mentioned as a possibility that you are a woman and in at least 'semi rules' mode. You just don't call guys, they call you. Which is fine if they do. At least call one or two and get a little feedback. Or email them. Just to gather information.
Now, the serious part. Maybe you have a problem that is making you seem less desirable then you are. Bad breath, bad hair, who knows? I would suggest asking a same sex friend for their take on any of those superficial things that can be a deal breaker. Also, run through the profiles of the dates and see if maybe there is something about these people that is wrong for you. Then, if you have the right kind of opposite sex friend, go on a trial date. Pretend like it is a first date and get a disinterested opinion.
Finally, take it off line. Get a date via a friend and see how it goes. You should get a call from either the date or the mutual friend. Just like in the bad old pre cyber days.
I would question your reasons for waiting for them to call, instead of picking up the phone. Except that if there is any real chemistry, the phone will ring, so I won't bother following up on this question.
Dear "Not Calling,"
You said it yourself, honesty is important, and these people have lied to you by saying they'd call and not calling, so they obviously aren't up to snuff. So move on and keep looking.
From the other side of the door, I can understand why they might say that. When a date is over and you're saying good night, it's difficult to look someone in the face and say "you're not good enough for me." Which is exactly what you'd hear, regardless of what they might actually say if they were honest and told you they wouldn't call.
What's wrong with you calling them? You didn't specify your gender, but I'm guessing your a woman following the typical male-female role and leaving initiation up to the man. Rather than saying good night and waiting for the inevitable "I'll call you." Beat them to the punch by asking if you could call them.
By asking (rather than making a statement), you appear less aggressive but still interested (misreading your level of interest might be one reason they don't call), and you leave them the option of saying no. But if they say 'yes,' you must call or you're just as bad.
Not calling is a female, just FYI.
And remember to send in your responses to erin@nerve.com, don't post them here.
I mean you *can* post them here. But they will not qualify for dirty pictures, music, and snack food products.
xoxox
Miss Info
Turning down hot little Korean ass... man are you gay or what?!
#1 hygiene. It takes a good friend or a brave acquaintance to tell you that you have spinach in your teeth, and internet first dates are very unlikely to tell you it smells like a racoon died in an otherwise interesting spot in your body.
#2 TMW. A few make out sessions in your mind could mean interminable necking but with a firm barrier to going further.
#3 psycho vibes. Men are hypersensitive to detecting go and no-go signals in this day of casual date-rape accusations and ubiquitous borderline personality disorder. I'm assuming you're female, though wondering why you're so coy and why you bleached out most gender clues in your message. That alone got my spidey-sense tingling.
Well, you may not be having any success in the online dating world, but you have managed to stump a professional advice columnist (a professional advice columnist whose
JB=JS
M.I.
I missed your answer to my question when you sagely responded, but today I had time to find your response. Thanks for the advice. I had followed your advice unknowingly, having told myself that I should stay above the fray. I did keep dating the girl who loved to read the ex's blog. Through this I discovered the funnier (OK sadder) facts about my XGF.
XGF had developed a prolapsed anus (crudely known to some as an ass tulip). I will not speculate on the source of the injury. I know this because she wrote about how her then current boy friend tried to bring it up. She wrote that he was crazy as me to think that they could discuss this (I applaud him for having the guts to warn her about the condition - I guess he is like me). It turns out I knew the guy described in the rant/blog.
A friend newly back to town had used the same dating service, and he had been discussing the experience with me when he mentioned this XGF. It turns out that he was the one who had tried to warn her. I got my revenge. I asked him if he was turned off by her protrusion. He looked shocked and then embarrassed. We quickly got on line and he read all about himself. He was furious, because not only did she describe his sex life in detail she had posted his name and picture.
Between the two of us, she was finally kicked out of the Just Lunch dating service. She has also posted about why she got dumped by the hemorrhoid spotter. If anything else good has come of this beyond my smug satisfaction, it is that I no longer think Tucker Maxx is funny.
Your advice reminds me of good advice I received from a country gentlemen years ago when I sought to defend myself against a tougher, rougher young man that enjoyed picking on me:
P9bwxU As I have expected, the writer blurted out!!!
Now you say something