Advice

Miss Information

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Last week I invited readers to ‘Be Miss Info for A Day’ and answer the following question:

Dear Miss Information,
About three months ago, after ending a very long, serious relationship, I decided to give internet dating a try. I’ve gone on dates with about eight different people, and have had meaningful correspondences with several others too far away to meet. I don’t have much problem getting dates this way.
The problem? I’m not getting any second dates! I’d say I’m honest and upfront (without being negative or bitter) and my pictures are recent. I’m smart, I’m cute, I’m funny. (Seriously!) I think I have meaningful conversations with my dates, and we have a good time. A few make-out sessions have resulted, and they all say things like "I had a really great time, I’ll call you."
Then they never call! I have no problem if we just don’t "click," but I don’t really appreciate it when they say they’ll call and they don’t. I feel like a person’s word is extremely important, and I feel like I’m being lied to. You’d think that some of them would have been interested in seeing me again. . . even just as friends. What’s going on here?
Not Calling


promotion

First prize goes to Sam, who explains why a kiss is just a kiss, and a butt grab even less so.
Dear Not Calling,
First, a confession. At the end of a blah date, I’ve been known to exhibit some strange behavior: the guy tells me he had a great time/loves my ass/wants to do this again; I agree/let him touch my ass for a few seconds/say "Email me next week,” and then bail. This is a sign of the mediocre date, the most common date around. You like the person fine, but you’re not into it. And you know it. But you’re a wuss, so that’s too hard to say, especially to someone you think is legitimately cool, just not for you.
You mention "meaningful conversations” and some making-out in your letter. Maybe things are getting a little too heavy during that first meet and greet? My suggestion: Make the first date light on alcohol, deep thoughts, and duration. Coffee (or one drink) after work, an hour tops. Don’t set yourself up for long nights that make it hard for you or the other person to exit gracefully. That way you have time to think about whether you want to get drunk and make out with him/take him home on the second date (cough, not that I do that at all). You’re minimizing the potential rejection and the energy you’ll spend asking yourself or Miss Info what went wrong.
You can also email your date — much less scary than calling — after a few days, since no promises have to be made after an hour. No matter what the person says online about being interested in totally platonic, teddy-bear-and-unicorns connections, folks are online to DATE, not to make friends (and why you’re really into that smelly unemployed musician is just a big old mystery). Remember that the next time someone is not blown away by your general awesomeness, and keep more of your self-confidence in the process.
Second place goes to Sean, who works in three Neil Diamond references without mentioning this, the most poignant classic of the D man’s entire career. Enjoy your snack food, sonny boy. How you live with yourself, I’ll never know.
Dear Not Calling,
The internet has definitely made searching the world for someone to love and/or fuck pretty easy, hasn’t it? You sign on, scan through profile after profile, find a few people that appear to be both hot and cool (a paradox that makes them all the more attractive), and you’re on your way. Only, it’s not so easy. Everyone presents a biased picture of themselves — yes, even you. You try to make yourself as attractive as possible and, in the process, things get twisted. Like when I "forgot" to mention in my profile that I have an unhealthy obsession with Neil Diamond. Or when I posted pictures that don’t exactly emphasize the stomach I’ve earned from downing hundreds of cans of domestic beer.
I’m a good guy — smart, funny, cute — but I wasn’t giving people the whole picture. In doing that, I wasn’t attracting the kind of girls who like smart, funny, chubby boys who randomly bust into "Forever in Blue Jeans." Honesty, occasionally, is the best policy. I know — I was shocked myself. But everyone instinctively omits things about themselves that they aren’t quite ready to share with the entire internet dating scene. So how do you go about being more up front and attracting the kind of people who will be attracted to the real you? Have friends look over your profiles before you post them. People who know you best will know if you’re really putting yourself out there. And don’t be scared of being honest from keystroke one. If you try to come off as James Dean, your date is going to be pretty damn disappointed when she discovers you’re not a rebel, cause or not. Oh sure, she’ll be nice and polite and give you some good conversation, maybe even slip you the tongue, but she won’t call you the next day. Just as I’ve come to terms with loving "Sweet Caroline" and have met some amazing people, if you put more of yourself out there, you’ll do the same.
In third place is Andy, who reminds me of Sigmund Freud, if Siggie would stop yammering about Oedipal junk and give you some practical advice, like "Make out with everyone! (Just not your father.)"
Dear Not Calling,
It sounds like what you’re experiencing is plain old dating. You had a sure thing for such a long time; it’s really hard to take the plunge back into the dating world with its uncertainty, disappointment and frustration. You’ve spent a lot of time concentrating on the inner workings and tendencies of one person, and you probably felt pretty comfortable with that. Now, you’re seeing these people, you want to be able to take them at their word, and you can’t.
But there is something to be happy about here. Take this opportunity to enjoy the experience. Go out on dates. Make out with guys. Don’t care if they call you. Know that if you make out with them, they’ll probably tell you they’ll call you.
Maybe you’re subconsciously looking for different things than you think? Our tendency when we get out of a long-term relationship is to gravitate towards that feeling/situation as soon as possible. Something has been ripped from our psyche and we want to put it back. Rarely is it found, and we’re more apt to get ourselves into something that is a temporary fix — at a cost that, frankly, isn’t worth it.
Perhaps you should try to enjoy the freedom a little bit more. If you’re going full-speed into another long-term relationship, make sure it’s for the right reasons, not just because he’s the first guy who called you back and made good on a promise.

 
 


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©2007 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com