Miss Information

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Miss Information is off this week, scrounging around for the house for matching silverware and working up the courage to put her fist up her first piece of poultry. She’ll be back next week with an all-new column. Until then, enjoy this "Best Of" edition, have a happy Thanksgiving, and check out this tender holiday tale over on Third Armpit, Miss Information’s personal blog.

Dear Miss Information,
I met a guy online. For the past eight weeks we’ve been talking constantly, over chat and email and on the phone. He’s even called me at 3 am (sober!). The problem is, we’ve never met in person. A few weeks ago I told him I was going to a specific bar with some friends and out of nowhere he said he might stop by; he never did. The following week he mentioned he was going out, but wouldn’t commit to where. This weekend I finally just got the courage to ask him if he wanted to hang out; he said that sounded cool but his little sister was coming to town for the holidays. I’m confused, because his actions tell me he’s politely blowing me off, but on the other hand he constantly wants to talk (he would happily talk for at least an hour or two a night) and bashes any guy I am interested in. Is there any chance here, or has that ship sailed? — Feeling Like a Fag Hag to a Straight Guy


Dear Feeling Like a Fag Hag,
This guy’s not giving you priority on his social calendar. Understandable, you’ve never met. Who wants to meet for an evening of halting conversation when you can stuff your face in front of the TV or meet a friend for a relaxing dinner? First dates are easy to put off.
What’s less understandable is all this hot-and-cold: I like you. I don’t like you. I like you enough to play pretend-relationship but not enough to do like normal people, which is get off the goddamn Internet and go out for sushi. Either he’s got a girlfriend, is worried he’ll find you unattractive or he’s the biggest flake in all the world. Notice how none of these have anything to do with you.

Be confident that you handled this one as well as you could, and then go ahead and blow him off. Obviously homeboy’s confused about something, and it’s not your job to help him solve it. Next time you’ll put less front-loading into your relationships and try to get to the meeting stage a little sooner.

Dear Miss Information,

I’m a bi girl in a long-term relationship with a guy. I’m known for being uninhibited, but I believe in monogamy. That doesn’t stop my straight female friends from hitting on me whenever they’re wasted. It’s really irritating. I go out of my way to make sure I’m not doing anything to provoke it, but the minute they get a little alcohol in them I’m attacked by straight-girl tongue. My boyfriend hates it, and so do the boyfriends of these girls. I feel like it’s understood in our friend group that it’s okay to hit on me, but I don’t know why. What I can do? — Get Offa My Rainbow

Dear Get Offa My Rainbow,
I hate to put a crimp in your social calendar, but have you thought about spending less time in bars? If you go to a pool party, you’re gonna get wet. If you attend $2 shot night with your letchy female friends, well. . . you see what I’m saying. The circumstances aren’t fair but they are what they are. Sometimes you have to alter your behavior to achieve some serenity, even if the others are wrong and you’re in the right.
But are you totally right? You describe yourself as “uninhibited,” and I’m wondering what that’s about. Are you the first to raise your hand when the magician asks the audience for a volunteer? Or are you constantly sharing the intimate details of your sex life? You can go on and on about your preference for reverse cowgirl. I won’t stop you. But realize that you may be sending a signal that you (and your boyfriend) have low social boundaries. We all have friends we can talk about sex around, and other friends with whom it’s uncomfortable and off-putting. Try emulating the latter and see what happens. When sex comes up, change the subject.
If you’ve toned down your act and it continues to be a problem, it may be time to call out the cavalry, i.e., embarrass the fuck out of them. The next time a tipsy girl tries to get lippy, say something like “Whoa, B.O.!” or “Damn girl, get a mint!” loud enough so everyone can hear. A blow to the vanity is a powerful deterrent and people seldom open themselves up to the same embarrassment twice.

Dear Miss Information,

I’ve been seeing this girl for several months. We always say we don’t want to be exclusive, but we’re basically only with each other. Last week we got drunk, and she started telling me that she’d be very busy for a while. Okaaaay. She’s changing jobs and in the process of buying a home. She insists she’s not dumping me, but doesn’t want to worry about making time for me or feeling guilty because she’s not calling. The sex is hot and she wants to keep that part going. I acted like I agreed at the time but I now that I’m sober I think I’m going to end up hurt. What is your opinion? — Powerless Against Her

Dear Powerless,

Say you still have your favorite teddy bear from when you were a small child. I tell you that, one month from now, I’m going to give your teddy to my cocker spaniel for use as a hump toy. Does knowing that information ahead of time make your childhood friend’s demise any less painful? I didn’t think so. I see the same situation happening here. You feel like you’re being tabled, and that’s not a fun feeling.
There may be some kernel of truth to what she’s saying. Switching jobs is stressful, and I would imagine buying a home requires a substantial time commitment. I live in a city where home ownership is about as likely as an orgy with the Quaker Oats man and the tooth fairy, so I’m not the best judge. I do know that, except in very rare circumstances, if someone likes you, they’re going to find a way to be around you. “I’m busy” is code for “I may like fucking/hanging out/making risotto, but I have other priorities.” It’s important not to misinterpret this message. She may do things that contradict it, but that’s lonely, horny ambivalence, not a real indicator of affection.
If you think you can have sex with her occasionally and not get too enmeshed, then I don’t see a problem. I personally would have a hard time doing that, but everyone’s different. I have to say, just based on your choice of pseudonym, you’re probably better off with someone who’s more actively interested in pursuing a relationship (i.e., not so half-assed).



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