Miss Information

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Dear Miss Information,
I have a hypothetical situation for you. Okay, so it’s not hypothetical. It’s one I’ve encountered many times. You find someone online who seems interesting. You exchange emails. Then photos. You see that the person’s not attractive. Really, really not attractive. How do you handle this? A) Be gentle and honest, B) Tell a little lie, C) Offer to be friends, D) Just not reply and hope they get the hint? Pick One Please


Dear Pick One Please,
Sorry, no can do. It’s like ridiculously hot young redheads or my Grandma’s favorite potato chip. You can’t stop at just one.
To that end, I’ll go with E) All of the above except C. Why not C? Because I don’t believe in that friendship shit. Maybe if it’s a really nifty person you met through a friend of a friend or some new guy at work, but some one totally random from the online personals? No way. You make this offer to one guy. Next week it’s two. Two months later and you’re emailing and instant messaging with a dozen plus people you’re not attracted to and never intend to meet outside of cyberspace. And for what? You’re not bedridden, agoraphobic, or incarcerated. Pen pals are for people who don’t have any other options. You do. So make a decision and move on.
Wait, Miss Information. How do I make a decision? You still haven’t told me which option.
That’s on purpose, Pick One Please. There is no one-size-fits-all answer. Whether you go with A) Honest, B) White Lie, or D) Blow-off depends entirely on the situation.
Is it someone you’ve been doing a lot of conversing with and you’re worried you’ll wound his fragile ego? Might want to go with B. Do his emails read like they’re cut-and-pasted and he’s been chatting up scads of girls? Then A’s probably a good option. People like that are better at picking up and moving on. Were you always vaguely creeped out by him and now that you have that JPEG with the blurred focus and pubic-looking sex-offender mustache even more so? Go with D and don’t look back. There’s another, even crazier option. You ready? Just say something like, “Hey, I’m sorry but I changed my mind. Good luck,” and leave it at that.
No matter what option you pick, you run the risk of alienating and/or offending some people. But good news! There’s an easy way to avoid all this mess: Don’t start conversations with people until you’ve seen their picture. I don’t care if they’re embarrassed or they can’t post one because of their kids, church congregation, mean-spirited frat buddies or uptight job. You don’t go into a singles bar wearing a ski mask, and you don’t go online, in the year of our Lord 2007, without posting a friggin’ photo.
Finally, keep in mind that snapshots aren’t necessarily giving you the whole story. Some of the hottest fellas I’ve gone out with, I remember being dubious about their pictures. The opposite was true for guys whose photos were so smoking I turned them into my screensaver only to discover they looked like the a five-foot-one version of Edward James Olmos. Take a chance once in a while. You might hit the Photoshop jackpot.


Dear Miss Information,

What’s the best lube for anal — especially to use with toys? Is it safe to use Crisco? It does seem to offer the most comfort, but I read on some random web page that it’s unsafe. Look forward to your reply. — J

Dear J,
Nothing wrong with using Crisco. There are quite a few doctors who say it’s okay to use in limited amounts, provided you test a small area and watch for your reaction. But I’m not sure you’d want to rub anything called “shortening” on or around an organ that’s usually revered for its length. Also keep in mind that Crisco is oil-based, which means that it will render any condom totally useless against pregnancy and disease.
If the above are concerns (and unless you’re using this stuff for masturbation, they damn well should be), then you’ll want to go with something water or silicone-based. Water is cheaper and less goopy-feeling; silicone is more expensive but you tend to use less and it lasts longer.
This is just like any other personal care product. What works for you might not work for someone else. Lube samplers like this one and this one are a great way to experiment without spending a ton of dough or winding up with a bunch of half-used bottles leaving greasy drips all over your medicine cabinet.
You might also want to look into a product called Boy Butter. It comes in condom-safe and non-condom-safe versions, and users say it’s pretty damn close to the baked-goods ingredient. Bonus: Not since the Hello Kitty “keychain” (cough, cough VIBRATOR) has there been packaging this adorable. Check it out.

Dear Miss Information,

My darling hubby is a foot-fetishist. I lovingly indulged his need to worship and be dominated by me and my adorable tootsies. He hinted, on numerous occasions, that he wanted me to really dominate him, but being a submissive in past relationships, I didn’t think I was ready to be the full-on dominatrix he wanted. And he wasn’t very direct about his exact needs.

I recently discovered that he took our idea for setting up a website with our sex tapes as content, and sought out models-for-hire to film instead! I decided to keep my trap shut, for now at least, and use this knowledge to my advantage: I put my inner, dormant dominatrix to work last weekend. We had some really nasty fun, and it was great.
I’m not the type to use stupid shit against him for the rest of our married lives. The professional dom that he has worked with says I should lovingly insist he take me with him for the next "secret" shoot. He still doesn’t know I know, but I’m not sure how, or if, I should tell him. — Lovingly Obliging Licking-foot Amateur

Dear Lola,

Your darling hubby is acting like a ninny, Miss Lola. He lied to you and cut you out of a business that was half your idea. He deserves a good kick in the ass. If only we could be certain the little shitheel wouldn’t enjoy it.
Big ups to you for keeping your cool a situation where many would have acted rashly. Your willingness to think about the consequences of your actions and view your marriage in the long term speaks to a real love for your foot-fetish hubby. You could almost say you’re “sole mates,” but I’ll leave the excruciating puns to Ms. Bradshaw.
The only decision I can’t agree with is withholding the information from your hubby. Nothing wrong with keeping quiet while you process. But when days turn into months, it becomes calculated and manipulative, even if you stay true to your word and don’t use the information against him. Talk to him, tell him what you know and let him know what he can do to regain your trust going forward.
This isn’t even necessarily about sex. He’s either bored or angry at you about something and is acting out. Even under the most extreme of circumstances — say he says “You better demand I start sucking on your toenails or I’m out!” and you say, “No” — the way he chose to deal with the situation was entirely inappropriate. Only children go off and misbehave on their own. A mature partner would be prepared to accept a dom-free marriage, work out a compromise, or find a graceful exit.
I think your dominatrix has the right idea. Show up at a photo shoot and show these model bitches who’s boss while your husband watches. Make him perform a certain set of tasks — clean out the garage or put shelves together in the nude. Sit back and relax as the punishment is doled out by the dom. However you feel comfortable, and however you can work it out so that there’s also something in it for you, is the best way to go.

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