Miss Information

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Dear Miss Information,
I went on my boyfriend’s Facebook and found he had sent a message to another woman: "You have a hot ass. Here’s my phone number. Call me." I confronted him and spilled the beans about going through his account. He said he was just being flirty, but I think that goes way beyond flirting. He was very angry that I looked into his account, and I am embarrassed. What I don’t understand is why he’s so defensive about his privacy when I share everything about myself. I couldn’t care less if my email account is open. I don’t know what to do since. I’m inclined to end it because I feel he is not honest. He doesn’t see my point of view and doesn’t care to and that really hurts. Facebook Faceoff


Dear Facebook Faceoff,
He’s defensive about his privacy because he has a right to be. Email accounts are personal and it’s wrong to go through them without someone’s permission. You know that, and that’s why you were embarrassed. The fact that you "couldn’t care less" if he looks through your inbox is irrelevant. You’re not him. He’s not you. You’re separate people. And healthy people respect each other’s boundaries. Whether the boundaries are the same or different doesn’t matter.
Now that I’m through reaming you, let’s talk about the Facebook incident. "Just being flirty." Sorry, but I call bullshit. What’s "extra flirty?" Complimenting someone’s labia and sending over a chauffeured limousine? People don’t give out phone numbers unless they want someone to use them. For phone sex? An actual rendezvous? Who knows. I’m not close enough to the situation to make an accurate call. Your snooping could be a reaction to fears that are well-founded. To an outsider that’s what it certainly seems like. Then again, he could be acting out because he’s pissed at you for being so snoopy and controlling.
I can assert that there are big-time trust issues and this relationship is pretty fucked-up. Both of you need to rein in your negative behaviors, stop dwelling on past hurts, and adopt a policy of absolute honesty going forward. That’s the only way it’s going to work out. (But it probably won’t.)


Dear Miss Information,

I am an average-looking girl. Not unattractive, not a model. But I’m bothered by my missing hair due to trichotillomania. I’ve been dealing with it for years. Pills, therapy, wigs, hair extensions, buzzing my hair off multiple times, trying out punk styles to hide/fix my issue — you name it. My condition is not going away, so I try to just go about life as I am and have an "I-don’t-give-a-damn" attitude about it. But it’s hard to feel that way when I’m interested in someone. Many people don’t think short hair on a girl is cute. What should I say to someone bold enough to ask me about it? Lacking Locks

Dear Lacking Locks,
Here’s what I’d say, if I had to play the role of trichotillomaniac stage mom: "I have a scalp condition. It’s not life-threatening or contagious. It sucks but it’s okay. I’ve been dealing with it for a while." This gives the other person enough information to quench their burning curiosity (Does this person have cancer? Can I catch something from them? Are they going to die?) without getting into the heavy psychological stuff.
Not that you can’t get into the heavy psychological stuff. You pull out your hair. Big deal. People engage in all sorts of weirdness. Pit you against someone who knowingly ingests low-grade poison (alcohol drinkers) or inhales carcinogenic smoke into their lungs (cigarette smokers) and I’d be hard-pressed to say who’s more fucked up. Just because something’s more socially acceptable doesn’t make it any less odd. I’m just saying you should probably save your illness’s long and winding history, your successions and regressions, your triumphs and struggles, for when you get to know the guy a little better. If the person doesn’t get the hint and keeps asking questions, tell him you’ll be happy to tell him more at a later date. Then make a joke, distract with faux celebrity sighting ("Look! Yoko Ono!"), or whatever you need to do to change the subject.
Is it something you do in private, or do you see yourself yanking on your strands around him? If so, keep in mind that it can be disturbing for some people to watch. Not horrible disturbing. Most of us would rather watch someone tug at their hair than bite their toenails. But if it’s a chronic habit, you owe it to the person you’re with to attempt not to do it around them. If you absolutely cannot refrain, talk about limits — such as you’ll try to limit it to when you’re home, not at his office Christmas party.

Dear Miss Information,

I have what many men would consider a blessing — a very large penis. Nine inches long and eight inches around. Most women can’t get it into their mouths for oral sex. They wind up licking the tip and gag before they get any further. Regular sex is out of the question. I’ve been able to have it with a few girls, mostly ones who are really drunk. The rest have it one time and then find some excuse and I get dumped. I need some suggestions. How do I convince girls that I’m worth the extra effort and time? Want to Be Normal

Dear Want to Be Normal,

You didn’t ask me (or my readers) for a date, and you didn’t attach a photo. That makes me think you might actually be serious about this giant-wang thing you have going on. That also makes me a little disappointed. But we’ll deal with that later.
There’s no safe way to permanently decrease the size of the penis. The only thing you and you partner can do is get creative. Don’t start out with penetrative sex as the expectation. Start slow. Handjobs, blowjobs, and then handjob/blowjob hybrids. Make use of lubes, vibrators, dickcentric toys like the Fleshlight and so on.
Once your partner feels more comfortable, start incorporating partial penetration into your routine in limited amounts. See how she feels. She might gradually get used to it, she might not. Experiment with positions and let her control the pace. Use verbal or non-verbal signals (a tap on the shoulder means more, two taps means stop).
Not to create any new insecurities, but since you’re packing what we Midwesterners would call the The Brick Dick, I think you can take it: Have you considered that maybe these women aren’t leaving because of your cock, but because of something else? Perhaps you’re being too pushy about intercourse? A sloppy kisser? Something that has nothing to do with sex, like maybe you act like a douchebag and talk about yourself too much? The dick is just an easy excuse for these ladies. A way of letting you off easy. Make sure you’re looking above and below the belt for possible causes.

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