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December 19, 2007
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Dear Worried Mind,
Paranoid overanalysis has been a habit of mine, ever since puberty. A few weeks ago, I had a great evening with a smart, sexy girl, and as I saw her off to her train the next morning, I swore to myself that I wouldn't have imaginary conversations with her or imbue every MySpace message or IM with some deep hidden meaning. This has destroyed many a previous prospect and I was determined to not let it destroy this one. She lives about two hours from me and we have not seen each other since that night, though we talk and exchange messages on a weekly basis. She's said she wants to come up to see me again, but is constrained by finances. I was doing well the first week or so. But little by little, my resolve wore away, and I fell off the wagon. The worst part is, I understand that my paranoid thought is irrational and unproductive, but I can't seem to stop. I worry that if I stop picking apart everything she does (or doesn't do — such as not returning an e-mail after three days, despite having gone online at least four times since then; again, I know I am crazy), then I will miss something vital and end up getting hurt. So what is a reasonable amount of analysis and subtextual reading, and what's paranoia? And what's the best way for me to scale back? — The Derrida of Dating |
Dear Derrida,
Go nuts with your analysis. Everyone knows the Montel Williams psychic and the Wrath of Khan eels are on the only things on Earth capable of seeing into our minds. What you do want to keep tabs on is how you express this propensity toward analysis. Listening to mopey music? Okay. Whining to your best friend? Double okay. Penning an email to Lady Long Distance in which you question why she hasn't had time to write you back, even though you saw her on Facebook at 3:45 p.m., MySpace at 7:13 p.m., and again on Facebook at 11:02 later that same day? Not okay. It implies too high a level of observation (creepy) and that you don't trust her enough to manage her own schedule and make her own decisions regarding communication (again with the creepshow).
As for what's happening right now, three days of unreturned email in a long-distance relationship doesn't indicate a future-girlfriend-caliber level of interest on her part. The "don't have the means to see you" I also don't understand. You know what I did when I wanted to see my boyfriend in high school and couldn't afford the bus? I collected cans. I shit you not. I spent two weekends hunting down sticky Pepsi containers and piss-and-cigarette-butt filled King Cobra bottles by the side of the road. Then I spent several afternoons hauling them to the bottle return so I could take public transportation that smelled like rancid buffet food to see my one and only. People who are really into other people find ways to make things happen. If she truly couldn't afford to come see you but were still mega-interested, then she'd damn sure be burning up the email, instant messenger, and phone lines.
This isn't to say she doesn't like you. It could just mean she's thinking differently about the relationship. You're a nice guy, but you don't live in her area and therefore she's not going to take the whole affair too seriously. Perhaps you can start thinking about the relationship that way, as one with limited potential, and it will help cool down some of the analysis. I like this girl, I'm excited, but it's probably not going to be a thing, so I'm going to be more a lot more proactive about pursuing other options. I know that's easier said than done when you really like someone, but you'll be surprised how easy it is to transfer your depleted feelings when you meet a more responsive prospect. We can only chase after people who don't want us for so long.
Speaking of the periodic table, did you know that they used to sell radium condoms? Gives those old glo-worm commercials a whole new meaning.
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©2007 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
Commentarium (9 Comments)
hey worried - you should be! maybe this guy wasn't a "stranger" to her at all, and this was her way of letting you and your little one off the hook?... get away from this gay-male scenario and turn the table - both of you, together, go out and pick up a woman for your three-way and note her reactions then... with no male competition, she might really think you ARE the big cock she wants all up in her, and as odds would have it, you would be!...
Derrida,
I agree with Miss Info. The
Chances are that it wasn't the big cock that she was getting so turned on by, but the situation. It takes more to get most women off than just a larger than average penis, a lot of arousal for women is mental and emotional. She was getting to live out one of her fantasies with a man she loves and trusts and that was most likely what turned her on and excited her so much. Not to mention that she could have been playing it up a little for the benefit of the third member of the party.
Wow, Derrida's first paragraph -- are you sure *I* didn't write that email to you? Jeez, I've SO been there. Especially the part where you're counting the days and putting all your eggs in one basket. As someone who's done many of those same dumbass things in the past with people I was into, I have to say that your advice to Derrida was dead-on-balls perfect, Erin. Even more stellar job than usual.
BTW, I love how the radium condoms are called "NUT-EX". As in, say goodbye to your ex-nuts.
Comment on the radioactive condoms....we look back and some stuff looks so nutty that it is unbelievable. However, check this out: "Overuse of diagnostic CT scans may cause as many as 3 million excess cancers in the USA over the next two to three decades, doctors report today." If you are interested, check out the news story, via google. Totally off topic, and if your really need a CT scan, it can save your life. However, if it is just to paper the file to avoid a malpractice suit or because of poor medical record access, then use your own judgment. Sorry for getting so off topic, but all too frequently, the cost/benefit calculations are made based on the physician's interests, not yours. Radiation is Radiation.
The Derrida of Dating...
The problem isn't over analysis, it's lack of chemistry. At least on her part. Cut your losses, unless you are infatuated. Or especially if you are infatuated.
Dear Miss Information,
Why do women who smoke cigarettes make me so hot? I have asthma and being close to anyone smoking can cause an attack so severe that I have actually passed out briefly. Yet when I go to a bar that allows indoor smoking and see a hot girl smoking or see a female celeb smoking pics I get extremely aroused.
dude who is getting a little obsessive - don't sweat it. you seem to know what's going on, so it's not like you think you're napoleon reincarnated. you're not crazy, you're just kinda emotionally needy. selfhood is always a work in progress. don't settle for finding an equally emotionally needy woman and embracing a codependent relationship - work through the insecure feelings and the pain of rejection when you carve ur way a little too far up someone's ass and become a stronger, better person through it - then eventually u won't need to play hard to get while ur really into someone to fake a lessened degree of interest: you will be hard to get, and you'll be much more equipped to handle future relationships bc you won't be chomping at the bit. good luck. it's tough and the only thing that helps is time and useful introspection. resolve yourself to know that you're working on it and that so long as you keep getting better at it you'll eventually be where you want to be, i.e. not obsessing. it sounds like you're doing much better this time than in the past, just work through it.
Now you say something