|Dear Miss Information,
My long-time girlfriend and I picked up a stranger this weekend. One of our fantasies has always been to have a threesome with another man. As luck turned out, this guy was very well hung. She was moaning and writhing like I’ve never seen before. Hot, yes. But now I’m worried that she’s going to be bored with my sub-par equipment. Everything works, but I’m on the small side. Not tiny, but average. I’m not opposed to messing around with this guy again, but I also don’t want to set myself up for trouble in the future. Should we find a new partner, one that doesn’t make me feel as insecure? My girlfriend said she’s okay with whatever I decide. — A Worried Mind
Dear Worried Mind,
I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing. You girlfriend experienced a strange cock, a new cock, a not yours cock. Not only that, but, two cocks. At the same time. And all the dirty anatomical possibilities that brings. That’s what had confetti and that Kool & The Gang song shooting out of her vagina. Not some stupid size difference. A big wang is nice, don’t get me wrong. But a sexually adventurous boyfriend with a serviceable wang is even better. And I trust that yours is serviceable, seeing as you two have been together a while and are still horndog enough to be trying some advanced-level ninja shit like this. Most couples just give up after year two and settle for missionary position between Daily Show commercials and trips to Home Depot.
Ask her what she liked about the experience. I doubt she’s going to say, "You know, it was those extra two inches that made it.” On the off chance she does, you guys can explore ways to give her that same "Holy-Shiva-I-can-feel-it-bumping-against-my-sternum” kind of feeling — whether it’s changing positions and angles for deeper penetration or going all crazy with toys and dildos.
If it still bothers you, find a new third party, and make him send dick photos before your first encounter. Then go shoot the bejesus out of some forest creatures, and commission a car-show model in a thong bikini to do a huge nine-foot sculpture of your cock in bronze leaf. You obviously have something to prove regarding your masculinity.
Finally, remember that when it comes to choosing a threesome partner, dick size is rarely the threat. Much better to have a fella with a twelve-inch schlong who respects boundaries and limits than a three-incher who’s trying to schedule dates with your wife on your side.
|Dear Miss Information,
Paranoid overanalysis has been a habit of mine, ever since puberty. A few weeks ago, I had a great evening with a smart, sexy girl, and as I saw her off to her train the next morning, I swore to myself that I wouldn’t have imaginary conversations with her or imbue every MySpace message or IM with some deep hidden meaning. This has destroyed many a previous prospect and I was determined to not let it destroy this one.
She lives about two hours from me and we have not seen each other since that night, though we talk and exchange messages on a weekly basis. She’s said she wants to come up to see me again, but is constrained by finances. I was doing well the first week or so. But little by little, my resolve wore away, and I fell off the wagon. The worst part is, I understand that my paranoid thought is irrational and unproductive, but I can’t seem to stop.
I worry that if I stop picking apart everything she does (or doesn’t do — such as not returning an e-mail after three days, despite having gone online at least four times since then; again, I know I am crazy), then I will miss something vital and end up getting hurt. So what is a reasonable amount of analysis and subtextual reading, and what’s paranoia? And what’s the best way for me to scale back? — The Derrida of Dating
Go nuts with your analysis. Everyone knows the Montel Williams psychic and the Wrath of Khan eels are on the only things on Earth capable of seeing into our minds. What you do want to keep tabs on is how you express this propensity toward analysis. Listening to mopey music? Okay. Whining to your best friend? Double okay. Penning an email to Lady Long Distance in which you question why she hasn’t had time to write you back, even though you saw her on Facebook at 3:45 p.m., MySpace at 7:13 p.m., and again on Facebook at 11:02 later that same day? Not okay. It implies too high a level of observation (creepy) and that you don’t trust her enough to manage her own schedule and make her own decisions regarding communication (again with the creepshow).
As for what’s happening right now, three days of unreturned email in a long-distance relationship doesn’t indicate a future-girlfriend-caliber level of interest on her part. The "don’t have the means to see you” I also don’t understand. You know what I did when I wanted to see my boyfriend in high school and couldn’t afford the bus? I collected cans. I shit you not. I spent two weekends hunting down sticky Pepsi containers and piss-and-cigarette-butt filled King Cobra bottles by the side of the road. Then I spent several afternoons hauling them to the bottle return so I could take public transportation that smelled like rancid buffet food to see my one and only. People who are really into other people find ways to make things happen. If she truly couldn’t afford to come see you but were still mega-interested, then she’d damn sure be burning up the email, instant messenger, and phone lines.
This isn’t to say she doesn’t like you. It could just mean she’s thinking differently about the relationship. You’re a nice guy, but you don’t live in her area and therefore she’s not going to take the whole affair too seriously. Perhaps you can start thinking about the relationship that way, as one with limited potential, and it will help cool down some of the analysis. I like this girl, I’m excited, but it’s probably not going to be a thing, so I’m going to be more a lot more proactive about pursuing other options. I know that’s easier said than done when you really like someone, but you’ll be surprised how easy it is to transfer your depleted feelings when you meet a more responsive prospect. We can only chase after people who don’t want us for so long.
Speaking of the periodic table, did you know that they used to sell radium condoms? Gives those old glo-worm commercials a whole new meaning.
©2007 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com