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January 30, 2008
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Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear Fourscore,
My dating profile has been active for years. Literally. Guys will hotlist me and look at my profile over and over, but they rarely reply to my emails. My profile name is [redacted]. Any tips? — Noble Sort |
Dear Noble Sort,
The transgressions I spotted in your profile are ones I've seen on many an online dating site.
1) You use far! too! many! exclamation! points! in your profile. Enthusiasm is good, but show some grammatical restraint. One or two is acceptable. More than that, and you sound like you doodle unicorns when you're not worshipping Zac Efron and snorting Sudafed.
2) Stop bringing up your family. In your profile, you answer eleven questions. Grandma & co. show up four times. Unless I have an incest fetish, I don't want to be thinking about your kinfolk when I'm taking the first steps toward doing the dirty. It's just not right.
3) Six pictures and I still can't get a good look at your face. Quite an accomplishment. You want to post shots that are both visually interesting and flattering, and there's a way to do that without taking an super-duper close-up under fluorescents. Lock yourself in a room and take shot after shot on your cell phone/digital camera/what have you. Take at least fifty, and I'm sure you'll find one that doesn't make you nauseous.
4) I have a big problem with females who use the word "sassy." It reminds me of Cathy cartoons and chain-email forwards my mother sends me about Coca-Cola dissolving your teeth and Bill Gates giving everyone a C-note. In fact, it's No. 1 of my Unfuckable Five — dealbreaker terms that people use in online personals. Here's the complete list, both male and female editions. If you kids have any of these on your profiles, do a purge right now:
Unfuckable Five: Girls
1. "Sassy"
2. "High-maintenance" — "Hi, I'm a bitch masquerading as a cutesy stereotype!"
3. "Fun-loving" — As opposed to fun-hating. Way to differentiate yourself.
4. "Sweet" — zzzzzzzzzzzz. Like they told you in English 101, "Show, don't tell."
5. Cat references in user handles — MizSexyKitty, purrfectgirl_76, etc. — This is weird and cloying. Keep it up and I'm going to spay you and make you poop in a box.
Unfuckable Five: Guys
1. "Mr. Right" — No. Don't do it. Just. Don't.
2. "Generous" — You sound like you're either trying to pay someone to go out with you (i.e., hire a hooker) or brag about your money. It's better if you anchor it with something — "Generous with my time," or "Generous with my affection."
3. "Cultured" — If you were, you wouldn't have to say it.
4. "Gentleman" — See "sweet" above.
5. "Bad boy" — Hey, you wouldn't happen to know Ms. Sassy, would you? Just checking. You're either a cheater or someone has a court order against you.
Readers, what are your Unfuckable Five?
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©2008 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
Commentarium (69 Comments)
1. quirky
2. quirky
3. quirky
4. quirky
5. quirky
"delightful"
Why does everyone think they are so goddamn delightful?
My #1 unfuckable, complete and utter deal breaker: guys who set the cut-off age for the girls they want to meet at one year younger than their own age. Kinda specific, I know, but if you're 32 and need to insist that the women you date are 31 or younger, I'm going to just go ahead and jump to conclusions about your deeply-held need for a diminutive date.
add to unfuckables:
"seeking a partner in crime"
someone who thinks 'me talk pretty one day' is a great book, as opposed to a funny book
someone who doesn
instead of lame one word adjectives to describe yourself, list what you enjoy doing. That works for me. I like it when someone's personality or "quirks" come out. One time I read a a guy's profile really stuck out to me when he said that he loves going to ethnic grocery stores, which totally resonated with me. Just be you. That's just me though...definitely not an authoritarian on this stuff. Also, I hate when people try too hard to sound cutesy or artsy. Oh yeah, that question "My most humbling moment..." usually never garners very genuine answers. Sounds so scripted. "If I say this, then I will sound like this...woohh.." Fake or trying too hard or sounding like everyone else turns me off.
For guys
1. "free-spirited"
2. "sensitive"
3. "eclectic" or "funky"
4. Shirtless photos you took of yourself using the mirror/webcam
5. posting pictures of yourself with babies, fuzzy animals, or worse, pictures of yourself as a kid. ick.
"Perhaps". It's so fucking pretentious, and every guy I've met who says "perhaps" in his profile turned out to be a douchebag.
I've met a lot.
1) Ayn Rand novels or dating books (If Buddha Made a Booty Call) in the great-book section
2) A willingness to date only heavy drinkers, especially when they don't list themselves as heavy drinkers (something to aspire to?)
3) Any mention of "black tie"
Not specific words per say... but anyone negative about past dates/relationships/dating scene in their profile. Dating can suck but don't spell it out in your profile.
When I see the word "soulmate", I reach for my mouse...
Oh, I love coming up with my "unfuckables" for guys. For guys, sports references in their profile names. Oh gee, "soxfan18" you remind me so much of "patsfan203".
The terms "partner-in-crime" "down-to-earth" and "fun-loving" are all yawn-inducing.
Any combination of terms like, "fun, nice, funny." uh huh.
Maybe this is why i never find anybody.
Biggest turnoff--guys who start their profile by saying, "Gee, it's so hard to describe myself..." or "I guess I would say I'm..." or "I never know what to write on these things..." It comes across as false & weak. Be an adult, cut the crap and get down to business.
Oh! And when anyone says their life is perfect except for a significant other to "complete the package." If that's not a romantic proposition, I don't know what is!
- Women over the age of 30 who refer to themselves as "a gal"
- Too many mentions of any one thing. I saw one profile in which the woman referenced bicycling 11 times.
- Text message spelling
Any reference to "recently divorced" or "just getting out of a relationship." Every man like that I've met has been way too hung up on his ex, and usually ends up back with her in a couple weeks or months. Even worse, any hint of "girls want guys that treat them like crap, not nice guys like me." First, you shouldn't be whining while trying to get a date. Second, this is an almost invariable indication that he will continue whining while on the date. Finally, these guys are usually not actually nice guys.
Thread counts
Am I the only one who has noticed guys who use pictures that look like they were taken of them and a previous gilrfriend/wife, and they just cut her out of the picture?
"Funny" is definitely a show, don't tell. "Nice guy," or especially "the last nice guy" or something like that, means a guy with massive issues because his female friends date jocks instead of him. And I won't sleep with someone who uses poor grammar or spelling.
guys: sheesh, leave out the picture of you next to your car/motorcycle or, even worse, said car/motorcycle all by itself.
For women:
"Fun-loving", "down to earth", "quirky", and all that crap.
"lol".
Being dressed up for a cocktail party in every. single. picture. I am not looking for a first lady.
"Are there any honest men out there?" This tells me you are either damaged by a lying ex or boring as hell.
To Lingering: It's the internet! Just do it. Five to ten sentences is probably all it takes -- that's not so bad, right?
Dear Miss Information-
For unfuckables in girls' profiles, I'd go with-
"Classy": see "cultured"
"Love to laugh": see "fun-loving"
"Sarcastic": The subject *clearly* don't know what this means...it's NOT a good thing...maybe she's thinking of "sardonic"?
And the envelope goes to-
"BUT" - as in "I like to party, BUT I also like to stay in"; or "I like black-tie formals, BUT I also like blue jeans and a t-shirt"
also, any guy that makes reference to looking for "special lady" makes me want to kick him in the shins.
Men and women alike: if the last "good" book you read was by Dan Brown, at least have the grace not to admit it.
There was just a featured profile next to this comment section that read "I want someone just like me, but female."
Someone needs to tell this guy that this a bad diea.
...that this is a bad idea.
And now that I've read through all of these, I must add...
Any guy who says "I'm looking for someone I can have meangingful/intellectual conversations with." Translation: "I'm a pretentious bore who thinks that anybody who hasn't read Nietzche is a bourgeois simpleton and not worth my time." It's good to date thinking people and I like to talk about books and ideas too but I'd NEVER contact a guy with that in his profile or present myself that way. If intellectualism is important to you, than show what's in your mind and let that speak for itself.
Oh, and on a related note, and maybe this sounds harsh, but guys who say they're really into "film" and then list Quentin Tarantino and David Lynch as their favorite directors. If you like crazy violence and weird sexual shit, that's fine, but stop trying to disguise it as intellectualism (although, doing just that is exactly what got Tarantino his fame, in my opinion--I apologize to his fans who DON'T put such things in their dating profiles).
Haha, and good point to the person who mentioned the "last nice guy" people. You're totally right. "Last nice guy"="embittered nebbish who hasn't gotten laid in a while"
"Loyal!" - Oh, how I hate this. Much like your MizKitty, Mr. Loyalty should go put on a spiked collar and sit in the little wood house in the back yard, hooked up to a chain.
I think the root of the problem is trying to come up with definitions for yourself. It just doesn't mean anything to say you're adventurous, kind, trustworthy, and silly. Seriously, does that give you any actual gut sense of this person's personality? Quit all those words, and bring some color and detail into what you write. Adventurous? Tell us about your upcoming backpacking trip through wherever. Kind? Say you wear the reindeer sweater your aunt bought you when you have to go to family gatherings or something.
I don't know, just give us stories. Actual little windows of you. And make em laugh without sounding like you know you're smarter than other people. That's profile gold.
No problem with "sweet", "sassy", and the cat stuff -- hey, I like cats, too!
The attraction killers for me in a woman's profile are "soul-mate", "commitment-minded", "no players", "serious relationship", "family-minded", and "wants children".
Also, no matter what they write, if it stretches across the whole page and there is a litany of "must-have" qualities for the potential suitor, I am out.
Oh, yeah - I also just LOVE it when a woman's profile reads "It doesn't matter what I put here, because you guys are just about the photo anyway." Because, of course, only men (and all men) are shallow.
1. "Born again." Oh, God, now I gotta wait 20 more years for you to grow up again. Call me in 20 years.
2. "I Don't smoke, drink or do drugs." Good, neither do I, but I don't start off a relationship shaking hands and saying that. I mean, they are features, but are those your strongest cards? Three of a kind is not like a full house. Kind of a weak hand, really. Incidentally a lot of people lie about stuff like that, so why bother saying things like, "I'm really honest." Time will tell, ya know?
3. Talking about past failed relationships. Yeah, I got 'em too, but is that where we are going to live, in the past? I'd rather hear about your ambitions and plans for the future, like with guys, one of which I happen to be. . .
You think I'm bein' funny, but NOT.
spelling errors, any man looking for "his queen," when a guy is only interested in white and/or asian women, los angeles specific: professional headshots as profile photos, and a man who specifies that he likes women who bathe (suggests experience with women who don't bathe, and that seems like he's not picky enough).
Unfuckable fives...can you take a look at my profile and figure out?
...oooops forgot to mention my profile is poptartz
First, I agree with all except Sassy.... I like Sassy.
Unfuckable five:
1. Love Walking on Beach
2. Love Sunsets
3. Use of the word passionate anywhere... it's the new buzz word and I'm sick of it
4. Pictures with you and some famous background, where you can't see your face and can barely tell if you have a figure
5. loves to cuddle (of course you do, why join the tens of thousands who feel the need to say it?)
1. anyone who uses the word "lady"
2. anyone who uses the word "classy"
3. anyone who uses the word "gourmet"
Their use suggests their opposites.
1) Photographs taken from computer cameras (It looks like the person doesn't have any friends to take photographs with) 2) Men who state they'll only date women way younger than them. 3) Mispelled words\Internet-style spelling of words. 4) Use of 'intelligent'and 'good personal hygiene' -shouldn't this be a given? 5) "Work hard\play harder" 6) Webcam photographs that show the person's apartment in the background - which is a complete mess!
I hate when people enter in the "more about me section" only: "hmm... if u want to know more about me, just ask:)"
aka: I'm so lazy i can't muster up the strength to summarize myself... so you do the work.
I bet you're a fascinating conversationalist.
I find anyone who says "no game players" or "I've been hurt before by mean women" or anything like that has issues with women that I don't feel I need to clear up personally.
Also any guy holding a baby in a picture and yet says he doesn't have kids is just plain confusing.
unfuckable five! ha, love it.
here's my mine for the ladies:
1. 'looking for prince charming' - jesus christ, where do i start on how off-putting this is? what are you 12?
2. 'make me laugh' - make you laugh? how about you make me laugh?? what, am i FUCKING CLOWN to you??
3. 'i am tired of being hurt' - what a shock. so am i. welcome to life and keep it to yourself. at least until we know each other!
4. 'not looking for a one night stand' - which is code for 'i have had a lot of one night stands so far'.
5. no pictures with other men. what are you trying to say with that?
1. Profiles are not confessionals; when you go rambling on for 3 paragraphs, you are indicating clearly that your online diary is substituting for proper psychotherapy;
2. Yeah, "sassy" is a definite non-starter;
3. Another non-starter is the use of the word "definately", which is, ahem, *certainly* not spelled that way;
4. "Partner in crime" - wtf? do you want a date or a wheelman?
5. "I'm a terrible liar" =
a) "I totally miss the point of this exercise",
b) "I'm just so damned earnest I didn't want the opportunity to tell you I'm earnest pass by without telling you I'm earnest",
c) "I can't think of a single witticism", and/or
d) "I lie a lot"
Talking about unfuckables... I've always wondered about the profiles on "intimate" sections of dating sites which say they are not looking for sex
People who start off with a "Not-Into" list, as in, "Not into game-players, liars, cheats, jerks, mama's boys, egotists..." Maybe a few issues there?
un-fuckable guy profile items:
"nice guy seeks nice gal"
and
"looking for a soul mate..."
a freaking SOUL MATE?!? maybe i just want to have dinner with someone.
UnF*able 5
1)Spellun lik this/TYPING LIKE THIS!!!!/OR WURSE LIK THIIS
2)420 references in screen names, especially if they're over 25
3)Small children in profile pictures
4)Pics of you with a scantily clad woman
5)Any mention of an ex
In no particular order:
1) Looking for a partner in crime.-- Are we Bonnie and Clyde?
2) My friends say I'm funny and/or loyal.-- What else would they say, they are your friends.
3) I participate in Burning Man. --Nothing more needs to be said here.
4) Your family and friends will like me. -- Which means I probably won't.
5) Looking for a soulmate. -- See no. 1 minus the B&C reference.
Reading anything about "living life to its fullest" or "enjoying all the city has to offer" makes me throw up a little in my mouth.
1. there/their/they're mistakes
2. your/you're mistakes
3. ; )
4. ^.^
5. T.T
Can we put a moratorium on naming "The Secretary" as hottest sex scene, especially since that's not even the name of the movie?
RG, I'm so with you on the men and age issue. I won't bother with any guy that has the cut off age one year younger either. And it's my #1 unfuckable, too. I think that any guy who can't conceive of dating a woman at 2-3 years older than him (at a minimum), is either: 1) following mindless cultural stereotypes about men,women and dating and that's not impressive and/or 2) just plain scard of us and that's to be avoided.
Oh, yeah...can we permanently retire the catch phrase "whip smart"?
Unfuckable Five (for Men)
Zany (watch profile carefully for signs of "Improv.")
Cultured
Assertive (Date rapist!)
Polyamorous (I don't want to see those pictures of you at the RenFaire)
Oral (I'm not letting you near it, ever)
Unfuckable (Men):
1. References to "living life to fullest" means you like ultimate frisbee and you want to put your dick in my ass after we eat expensive sushi. 2. Mentioning the word "soulmate" correlates highly with photos of you with your kitten or puppy, or makes me suspect you are writing from prison. 3. Looking for a "real woman" who is not into "games" means that you won't take rejection lightly and will probably become a stalker. 4. Mentioning your sexual prowess, "sensuality", love of massages, the word "giving and oral" - YIKES. Let's make it through a drink and some Thai food, ok? 5. If your favorite book is The Unbearable Lightness of Being you probably way 400 lbs and have the fashion sense of a sofa.
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I would add something else, of course, but in fact almost everything is mentioned...
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I almost accidentally visited to this site, but stayed here for a long time. Stayed because everything was very interesting. Surely will share with all my friends...
Good! Wish everybody wrote so:)))
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Read, of course, far from my topic. But still, we can work together. How do you feel about trust management???
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Read, of course, far from my topic. But still, we can work together. How do you feel about trust management???
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Now you say something