Not a member? Sign up now
February 6, 2008
|
|
Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
|
A friend of a friend had a thing for me four years ago. We never had more than a couple of conversations. Since he lived far away and I was involved with someone else, I never moved on it, even though this guy was totally slammin' and smart.
It's been four years since I've seen him, but would it be totally weird for me to contact him on Facebook or Myspace? I don't want to make a fool out of myself, and I'm just not sure what to write. — Social Netlurker
|
Dear Social Netlurker,
I don't know about you guys, but I'm continually amazed by who comes knocking at my digital door. More random than a chinchilla with a slide rule. The latest we'll call "Sean," a football player who went to my high school. Sean was (surprise!) a jock. I was a goth. We ran in different crowds. One morning, during some pre-English-class banter, our teacher Mrs. Jackson asked Sean if he had gotten a haircut. Sean answered in the affirmative. Sensing an opportunity to be clever, I decided to try out a joke I'd heard my sister's supercool boyfriend deploy many times before. The gag is supposed to go something like this:
Person: I got a haircut.
Hilarious Jokester: Oh yeah? Which one?
Get it? Like they schlepped all the way to Supercuts just to have the barber prune one measly hair off their forehead? (Shut up. Apparently you don't know ninth grade humor.) Anybiscuits, this is how the joke unfortunately played out:
Sean: I got a haircut.
Erin, aka Soupy Sales: Which hair?
Cue uproarious laughter from entire classroom and Sean blushing redder than puppet drunk Lady Elaine Fairchilde. Despite my humiliating this boy (and by extension, myself) by expressing such a public interest in his pubic region, Sean still took it upon himself to send me a howdy-do on Facebook the other day. Looks like he's married now, with a Ph. D. Best of all, he hasn't let his hair grow down to his ass — it's still a neat buzz cut. I feared he would have stayed out of hair salons forever after that little debacle.
Moral of the story: if the person at the other end of the message is receptive, there is no social barrier too weird too embarrassing to be broken down with a confident, casual hello. As a general rule, people love to reconnect. They at least like to hear how someone from their past is doing. Start by picking the network he's most active on. Then send a friend request, coupled with a short note: "Hi, how are you? Been a long time. Saw you on here, thought I'd say hello."
The length should be about three sentences. We don't want a book recounting everything that's happened in the last four years, or a syrupy "I WUV U." If it's not something you'd imagine yourself saying to him in broad daylight at the mall, it's not fit for email consumption. Resist the urge to get all maudlin and nostalgic. It also looks good if you're in touch with other people he knows from that period — old roommates, school friends, etc. If you've only got two people on your friends list and you're sending a request for him to be your third, it looks way weirder and less casual than if he's one of thirty-five. Good luck.
| Dear Miss Information, |
After six months of dating, my girlfriend and I moved in together. Initially, things were going great, but it's gotten grim quickly. The first layer of problems is standard: she doesn't like some of my friends, resents my Saturday golf games, and thinks I'm too messy. Though it's frustrating, I'm convinced these things can all be straightened out with discussion and compromise. But there's another, vastly bigger problem: We almost never have sex. The principal reason, she tells me, is this twisted strain of IBS that often leaves her constipated, bloated or suffering from diarrhea. This, as you may imagine, zaps her sex drive.
She almost always resists my come-ons and never, ever, ever comes on to me. I've been understanding, but it's starting to get me down. I mean, I'm a twenty-five-year-old guy. I once heard Dr. Drew say that if a guy my age isn't trying to have sex with his girlfriend three times a week, there's something wrong. We're averaging once every two weeks, if that. I would happily accept a blowjob or handjob as a substitute when she's not feeling up to the full deed. But she's said she hates giving blowjobs (thinks it's gross) and would never be up for me going down on her (again, thinks it's gross).
I feel like a creep hassling her for more sex considering her condition. But I'm incredibly frustrated, and I can't help occasionally resenting our near-sexless relationship. How can I get my girlfriend to read your column without pissing her off? I think it would really help our relationship. The one time I left it up on my laptop, she said I had way too much time on my hands if I'm reading stuff like that and stormed off. She's uptight about sex, and as far as web reading goes, there's only Daily Candy for her. — Backed Up Boyfriend
Dear Backed Up Boyfriend,
Dude, who's more morally upright? You, for looking at tasteful nudie shots, hipster movie reviews, and a relatively sedate advice column? Or your girlfriend, for preferring to read about $500 shoes and $50 ass bleaching treatments when people are starving to death, and eating dirt in Haiti? I love fluffy reads as much as the next person, but come on now.
I don't know if anything I say could convince her to read my column, other than presenting it to her as one of many things you're reading on this site (i.e. it's not just the yummy boobie shots). Why does your erotic reading material bug her? Because she's insecure and knows your sex life is stalled. She's probably just as bummed as you are, but feels paralyzed. Books seem desperate, counselors are frightening if you've never tried them before. You can whine to your friends a little, but only so much.
It sounds like you've made some sexual concessions with the substitution offers and such, but have you also worked the non-sexual side as well? See what happens when you take a few weeks and ease up on the golf and boys' nights and the used Q-tips on the counter. For some people, doing the dishes will go a long way toward getting you a blowjob.
Final bit of advice is to be more patient, Backed Up. Dr. Drew may be smart and have an gorgeous disaster of a show, but that three-times-a-week benchmark is bullshit. People fuck more, people fuck less. If you're in it for the long haul, there may be months where you don't fuck at all. There is no norm. If you want to come on to her, then do it. But don't feel like you've got some TV pop psychologist's mandate to wake her up at 3 a.m. every night by putting her hand on your junk. Her butt hurts. Think about the last time you had an explosive dump. Remember how sexy that felt?
I'd try counseling. This isn't normal couple squabbling. There's a serious medical condition involved. You need advanced-level help from someone who's dealt with this before. If she won't go, go by yourself. You'll get the tools you need to deal with her and determine whether you want to take this relationship any further. But if I were you, I'd be leaning toward"no."
| Previous Miss Info |
|
©2008 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
Commentarium (45 Comments)
Did the Irritable Bowel Syndrome come on before she moved in? Or after?
The fact that she is so sex-negative in general (outraged by porn, hates oral, no manual) makes that IBS just a little convenient, no? (Especially since IBS is a condition with dozens of different possible causes, not a disease caused by any one "twisted strain" of bacteria.)
Whoa. Just gave my live-in bf of 3 years (who, incidentally, has Chron's Disease and hasn't touched me for a month) that last bit of advice for the guy whose gf is never horny, and guess what? Silence.
It used to be his sex drive and love of giving oral overrode the pain he was in. We're both 28 now. But yeah, I don't even feel like a woman anymore, I get bitter over the amount of masturbating I do, and have been seriously considering leaving.
I also suspect that maybe IBS girlfriend's problems with sex stem from more than just her illness. I've had colitis since I was 11 (25 now), and some days are good while others are horrible, so I can sympathize with the notion that on some days the pain can make sex, and most active things really, the last thing one would want to engage in. But to have an overall negative view of sex because of having IBS/any chronic and uncomfortable disease seems odd, or at least it does to me. And her dislike of giving/receiving oral and Nerve (which is pretty tame compared to other things out there) sounds unusual. No one is obligated to like oral or Nerve, but to be actively turned off by both seems to indicate something more.
Either way, I would want to know if she is seeing a doctor, taking meds, sticking to an IBS-friendly diet, getting some exercise, has a good circle of friends, etc. Diet and lifestyle are huge components in how well bowel disease is managed. If she's not taking care of herself it's going to affect other parts of her life. Improving these things in her life might make her feel better, and maybe will stimulate an interest in sex?
Oh yeah, and don't sweat the "3x a week" thing. The amount of sex an ill person or a person with a chronically ill partner will be determined by the health of that person. It's hard, but hopefully as she feels better the frequency will increase, too. Good luck!
Your advice is ridiculous.. 25 years old and not getting sex in the relationship... one word.. 'leave'... Your cliched platitudes about counseling and having patience might well have some relevance if you're talking about a middle aged MARRIED couple.. NOT a fucking 25 year old kid..
I've read blog-a-log and your column for a long time, and I'm a big fan. This is the worst advice that I've ever seen you dispense. Why should this guy stay with his girlfriend? They've been together a year or so and everything is already a total mess--no sex, nagging, vastly different sexual mores. It's not like they have kids together.
He made a mistake moving in with her, he can still avoid a much larger one by leaving her now. Sure, the health issue may be causing the temporary sexual dysfunction, but IBS is not a temporary problem, neither is nagging nor is small mindedness. I'm not suggesting that someone shouldn't adjust their behaviors to accommodate their mate, but taking umbrage at a once a week golf outing and cutting off oral, if not all, sex is not reasonable. You're 25 you have plenty of time to find someone else that will be a better match for you.
Backed Up:
Can this relationship be saved? Why bother. One reason to live together before marriage is to see if things are going to work. They don't.
Imagine yourself in 10 years with 2 kids and no sex. Think about 'blended families.' Cut your losses and leave.
Erin Bradley love your column and normally "WUV Ur" advice. But you were seriously off your game this week. Advice to IBS-gurl and backedup boyfriend was off the mark by a mile of used Charmin. IBS gurl isn't getting the treatment she needs to get better, which only leads me to believe that anyone that is hiding behind that for six months has serious issues. Backed up boy has to DTMF already, with an apologetic nod to your advice opponent Dan Savage. This relationship just is not going to work and anyone-well nearly anyone--can see that like a skid mark on a couch.
I thought your advice to Backed Up was fair and very reasonable. The fact that folks are saying the couple needs to just up and split without actually talking and working through their issues first is kind of disheartening, but I suppose that's how alot of people see relationships: if there's any discomfort or inconvenience, get the heck out.
I hope it works out for the couple.
LEAVE NOW!!!
RW, what's presented in the letter that suggests there is anything worth salvaging? He says nothing positive. No statements like: "Everything is great, except...", "She’s very understanding and sees this is affecting me too" or "I can’t imagine spending my life without her". She nags him about seeing his friends. She’s against oral sex. She "stormed off" after seeing the Miss Information column open on his computer rather than trying to talk to him about it. I think people need to try damn hard to stay together. Things aren't always easy because nobody's perfect, but based on presented evidence here we're comparing someone who's a little bit of a slob but is willing to discuss and compromise to a person guilty of the litany of sins mentioned earlier. Again, I'm all for people staying together. These two people just don't sound like a match.
I think your advice to the backed up boyfriend was completely reasonable. Particularly because I know way too many women who say they hate when men run away from their problems, I respect his original decision to stick it out and his decision to seek advice when he's over his head. He knows that leaving her is an option, and a mostly reasonable one. He also cares about her enough to seek advice, and confrontation and talking through the issues seem like completely legitimate advice in that situation.
... Me again. A few people responding have assumed the sexless gf is doing nothing for her medical condition. Until you've lived with someone with such a condition, you're not going to understand that doctors only do so much, and fixing one problem can compound others. eg., The most often prescribed symptom treatment for incurable bowel treatments are steroids, which (guess what?) make you testy, sleepless and unable to get physically aroused. With Chron's there are no good days. Only less-horrible days.
Unsexy quickly turns into miserable at the world, affecting all aspects of the relationship, leaving the healthy partner to play an emotional kind of Florence Nightingale, endlessly understanding. It's noble, but completely unfair. I think Backed Up and his girl are feeling this domino effect of stress right now. They might ride it out with her getting better and have a healthy sex life. But can both of them recover sexually and emotionally after these kinds of issues? There's a lot of dignity and self worth at stake for him and her. I know because I'm right there with him.
It's hard, deciding to abandon someone based on your needs when they're sick. I know it's killing me.
Oh, come on, Erin -- you're usually so spot-on with your advice. Since you're obviously high on crack today, I'll fix this one for you ... :)
Backed Up: I'm a 38-year-old father of two who's been married for 10 years to a woman I respect, adore and would entrust with my life. My marriage is my greatest asset and the foundation for virtually everything positive in my life. I hang out with other 38-year-old guys whose marriages are cesspools of grief and misery -- whose lives sound like an advanced version of yours: the woman harbors deep, seething resentment of the husband, his friends, his hobbies, and all things sexual -- in return, the guy works late to avoid going home, endures months or YEARS without sex, and eventually slips into unhealthy behaviors like frequenting titty bars and having secretive sexual sidelines.
So, what is the fundamental difference between these situations?
Simply put, I'm married to a grown-up who takes responsibility for her life and personal development. Not only does she avoid blaming me for her anxieties, but she recognizes key things that are important to me and moves toward me in these areas. We're not talking every little thing -- we don't go out in color-coordinated T-shirts or anything -- but we do try to align on the important stuff. Sex happens to be one of those important things for me -- we probably have it about 10% less than I'd like and 10% more than she'd like, but hey, we wind up having a great time and at about 4x a week are doing pretty well for a couple kissing 40.
Having a woman who treats me this way helps create a foundation where I can be the best man I can be -- her treating me with trust, respect and even a little like a stud makes my home feel like a sanctuary and makes me want to move mountains for her. It's a healthy feedback loop that keeps on giving.
The advice I'd give my son when he grows up is: Marry a grown-up woman who doesn't complain and treat her better than she expects. Note that a big part of this is picking the right partner -- with the wrong partner, all the "discussion and compromise" in the world on your part won't do any good. Lemme tell you, a girl who at 25 is critical of the things you like to do, never initiates sex, gives it up twice a month, and thinks anything even mildly adventurous is gross is NOT a good core partner for a young guy with rushing red blood.
Trust me when I say this is about more than the sex and the medical condition. This girl has core issues that will steadily amplify over the years and eventually make your home a place you don't want to be.
My advice: Gently but firmly move on. Do it quickly and do it now. She will counter with guilt-trips about her condition -- tell her you're sorry and walk on. You DON'T need to fix this for her, or make her agree with your course of action. Don't bother with all the 'we'll continue as friends' crap -- fill the time with your job, hobbies and buddies, and eventually the hurting (caused by upsetting a familiar component of your life) will cease. Once you're there, have a ball casually dating a bunch of girls until you're about 30.
Then, find a good-hearted, grown-up woman about your age (note that almost all the gals I know who are awful partners got married in their early 20s and never really developed coping skills beyond blaming and pouting) and get down to your life's work of loving her. In time, you'll know she's the best decision you ever made, and your time with Ms. Bowel will be something you look back on and shudder.
If he loves his girlfriend and wants to make it work, I'd say there's still some hope, and it's worth a little more effort before giving up. Young women can sometimes be closed minded about things based on their upbringing, but with some gentle and loving encouragement, she may discover how wonderful oral (and Nerve!) can be. Young women can also be very possessive (hence the hatred of his weekend golf games), but as they mature they learn that outside interests benefit rather than harm the relationship. If he really enjoys her company otherwise, it might be worthwhile to stick it out and work on it.
The main thing is that she needs to feel better first, and the medical options for treating IBS are limited and often completely unhelpful. Have her take a look at this site: http://www.helpforibs.com instead of sending her to Miss Information's column. The free advice offered here has ended the suffering of countless people with IBS, some who suffered for most of their lives.
With the IBS healed, it will be easier to see her true character, instead of the person she's become from feeling rotten all the time.
Mhwk is right on. Thanks for having the balls to say it like it is. She doesn't want to have sex with or please her "boyfriend" anymore because she's not sexually interested in HIM anymore. That "relationship" is already over. Him being understanding? Understanding of what? Her non-sexual interest in him? Please. Though IBS is a real condition, I'd bet a mortgage payment she doesn't really have it but is just using it as an excuse to avoid sexing a man she has no sexual interest in anymore but wants to keep around to keep paying her rent, utilities, etc. When a woman is gone over her man, the way it's supposed to be, all these ailments disappear because she can't sex him up enough. Sadly, Backed up Boyfriend is just one more effeminate male who has no idea about manhood or women. Enjoy being used, buddy. Until you man up and wake up, you're going to continue to allow yourself to be mistreated by your platonic roommate and your future "girlfriends."
My husband has IBS and I have an allergic condition that causes me frequent intestinal and stomach pain. We still manage to have sex several times a week because hey, we enjoy having sex together. If it's something you love to do with someone you love, you work around the inconveniences and medical conditions and MAKE it happen. It sounds like the girlfriend doesn't particularly like sex in general, and isn't very interested in having sex with the boyfriend, and is using the IBS as an excuse. Sounds to me as if she'd be better off being free to go find a relationship with someone more sexually-compatible who isn't interested in sex either.
The argument that 'backed up' should try to work it out with his g/f because "people are so quick to throw away relationships these days" is missing the point. Yes, people are often too quick to divorce, but I would argue that people are also often too quick to get married. Case in point: this couple moved in together after dating for a mere 6 months. To me, that's a pretty quick courtship. You don't really know someone very well after 6 months, which is why 'backed up' is now learning about all of these hidden, negative things about his g/f.
Also, let's just forget about the "she has a disease, have you no heart" argument. The disease is a red herring. If her disease was the only reason her sex drive sucks, then she wouldn't display all the other negative attitudes about sex that 'backed up' mentioned. This is a girl who firmly beleives that "oral sex is gross". That is a BELIEF, not a passing fancy.
I think we could prevent many divorces, and encourage people NOT to just 'throw away a relationship', if we simultaneously encouraged people to really take the time necessary to find a compatable partner. Sexual compatability is an extremely important aspect of a relationship: right up there, I'd say, with emotional compatability. If she can't meet his needs in the traditional way, then she should be open to meeting his needs in some type of other way (blowjobs, open relationship, etc). Consider the flip side: what if a girl wrote in and said that her boyfriend has an OCD/anxiety disorder that prevents him from cuddling with her or touching her in any type of romantic, non sexual way. would we tell that girl to work it out, because 'he has a disease?' of course not! we would say "DTMFA" which is what the response should be here.
nm, I just wanted to back you up. Even with Crohns, I still want sex as much as possible because I'm with a guy who drives me crazy in the best way and with whom I have a loving, respectful, hilarious, and warm relationship. Sick/no sex days happen, of course, but they shouldn't kill the desire to go dancing, ride your bike, swim, play with your kids, or take long walks on the beach, and they certainly shouldn't kill the desire to be with the person who you really love and care for. If anything, they can make you long for that contact on an even deeper level! As someone else mentioned, the key is to act like an adult, to approach problems like an adult. Health problems are a fact of life, but the key is how you manage them and how you work to still have the things you love.
I think "backed-up" does need to move on. It wouldn't be heartless at this point--he obviously tried his best. Flat out, I think that even if his GF was healthy she would be avoiding sex or providing it grudgingly. You can't solve her problems, only she can.
Hey guys, I think the deal with the advice to the 25 yr-old dude is that, if he thought the no-sex was a complete deal-breaker, he'd have dumped the girl already. Obviously, there must be things about her he appreciates.
Also, him pointing to Dr. Drew and how often Dr. Drew says he should have sex /does/ show a little immaturity on his part.
And of course, the girl does sound uncommonly uptight about sex. But, we only have a little letter from the guy's perspective, and we don't know about most of the relationship. So who knows really, what things he might do that piss his girlfriend off, some of them justifiably so? I think the advice that he should look for things outside the sex itself, that could affect how much he's getting some, is sound advice. Just because given norms for male and female behavior in this country, there often /are/ extenuating factors that can affect female sex drive.
Of course, if he asks her about things that bothers her, and she refuses to communicate. Or if concessions she asks for aren't acceptable to him, they can break up. But there's no sense in pretending the relationship is /only/ about sex and not at least trying to communicate about the relationship as a whole before writing it off...
Mhwk,
Reading your paragraph, one would think that you think women should put up with all of their husband's flaws, and that men don't do just as much to irritate women as women do to irritate men.
Now, I gotta say, I come from a family where that whole deep-seated resent of father from my mother thing was going on the entire time I was growing up. I always thought they were idiots for staying together. But that being said, and even if I felt my mom did not always handle things well, I can totally understand why she would become frustrated. My dad was a fairly traditional male, as I might guess many of your friends are from the whole "be a man" bs you're spouting. Meaning, he made good money, worked long hours (of his own choosing), played golf once or twice a week, went out with friends, and /didn't help out around the house/ like, at all. He also didn't take an interest in my mom's interests, and didn't really go out of his way to make her feel loved or special. Also, though I don't know too much about this being as they're my parents and all, I sense that for him he thinks she should have sex with him because "men have needs" and for her, she's a little uptight because she was raised Catholic. Sure, those are both problems, but as a girl who has a fairly high sex-drive and is way more laid-back about those things than my mom, I can pretty much say with certainty that a guy with my dad's attitudes would /not/ make sex particularly sexy in the long-term. Real men have enough self-control that sex isn't about them needing to get off a certain amount of times -I mean after all, on average studies show that biologically women have as high a sex drives as men, and women are taught from puberty onwards that they better have a lot of self-control in this area.
Sure, once couples get into a rut it's often self-perpetuating and hard to get out of, but I don't think you can assume the rut is generally started by the female; it's usually a two-way street.
"Backed Up Boyfriend" Sex between two people who decided to live together, and for that reason , SHOULD love each other( I'm NOT being a moralist here)and are your age, should be fucking like rabits. I'm 45, so is my wife, and we have sex at LEAST 3 times a week if not more and on friday or saturday nights ,well that is the BIG night when all the toys get brought out and the GAMES begin. I'm sorry about the IBS, but there are ways around everything as well as alternate methods of pleasure, the best of them are the two she refuses to participate in. She is ragging you about your friends,says you are messy, and probably would fucking die if she knew you are a NERVIE. Dr. Dirtwood says; Pack your shit and leave before she wants to have you neutered.
I am NOT a cold hearted man, but the writing is on the wall here. Haul ass.
dirtwood
rabbits
EC, Mhwk says nothing about the obligation of women putting up with their husbands flaws. He says that the way she treats him "makes me want to move mountains for her", and that he hopes his son learns, by example, to treat his partner "better than she expects". I think it's pretty clear from his e-mail that compromise is a two way street in his house. I'm sorry it wasn't that way for your parents. I think all of us would be just as willing to jump down the throat of some guy who was keeping his girlfriend from having a life of her own, was uncommunicative and clearly had different sexual values. What's good for the gander is good for the goose.
been there. prime of your life danny boy. drop her and move on. Keep this in your head. these are the best years of your life, are ya havin' any fun ?
Well then, AB, I think Mhwk's point could be more appropriately phrased as simply "It seems the two of you aren't compatible" as opposed to all that /she's/ immature, /you're/ at the prime of your life BS. Because we don't know, really, who's responsible for what sorts of lacking communication in this relationship...
I'm just way too tired of the whole rhetoric of "oh she's holding you back" as soon as any guy mentions he's not getting at least an average amount of sex. Unfortunately, if women required men to be as generous, on average, as women are required to be in order to find a good partner, there would be a lot more single people in this world...
(Like, just using sex as one example, think of all the relationships where men are having more orgasms than the women -in our parents' generation, that's practically standard)
It's interesting to see how everyone is projecting their own experiences onto this situation and Lady Miss I's response, which was more measured than many of the responses because, duh, she has to be.
What I haven't noticed in the responses yet? WHO THE HELL moves in with someone after 6 months and no idea what their sex drive is? WTF?
EC,
You don
Leaving aside all the sniping, the bottom line is this:
There has to be an equal amount of generosity, an equal amount of respect and effort on both sides. Neither men nor women are obligated to give more.
Based SOLELY on what Backed Up wrote - and in the end, that's all we have to judge - it sounds like his partner is making much less effort to consider his needs than he is making to consider hers. Speaking as a guy who has "been there for his partner" even when I wasn't going to "get anything" out of it (and proud to do it, too) I say - move on.
The second question's asker may be helped by googling sexuality and IBS (I've never done that) but also sexuality and Chron's Disease, which is something my ex bf had and we learned to deal with. He also changed his behavior to limit his symptoms, and I can't imagine your GF is happy being so affected by her disease, but if she's not willing to make herself (and you) a little happier by working to get better/eat better (with support from you, of course), then I agree with Miss Info on this one. Good luck!
Really no defense of your horrible advice... The girl is an uptight priss who's constantly constipated, bloated, and shitting herself... She doesn't give blow jobs and she takes offense to this site? As if we were talking about Hustler here.. Oh yes.. and these kids are 25??... Yeah.. Stay and work that shit out dude... NOT!!!!!!!
"For some people, doing the dishes will go a long way toward getting you a blowjob..."
Hahahahahaha...are we thinking of someone specific? :)
Final shot at this EC, women should be every bit as picky as men. I've always thought that it was my responsibility to be the best person I can be. To me, that means being a good friend, a good partner and even a good stranger. I'm sure there are a lot of people out there, who haven't figured out how important that is, probably in large part due to that fact that the people around them have been willing to tolerate bad behavior from their partners, friends and family so they see the love and affection of the people around them as their birthright rather than the gift it is. There's something very telling, when you say, "Unfortunately, if women required men to be as generous, on average, as women are required to be in order to find a good partner, there would be a lot more single people in this world..." My thought is: what, exactly, is unfortunate about that? People holding out for a few great relationships would be much better than sliding from one bad one to another. Where is the virtue in remaining in a relationship that isn't making both of you happy? Everyone would be better off if they demanded more from their partners, and were willing to accept being single for a while or longer if they don't get what they want. That of course goes hand in hand with always trying to give the people around you more than you get from them. When I talk about demanding things I'm not talking about sex a certain number of times a week or chores or perfection, I'm talking about some pretty basic stuff understanding, wanting to make your partner happy and deriving pleasure from your partner's happiness. If both sides are working towards those goals, things will work out for the most part. You keep hammering on the example of the selfish husband and the put-upon wife. I say shame on both of them, shame on the man for overlooking the happiness of his wife and shame on the wife for staying in a situation that is so imbalanced. You can reverse the gender roles and I'd say the same thing. If you've made a good faith effort to talk to your partner about compromising on differences, and your partner is unreceptive or unable to reach a happy middle ground with you, you should end the relationship. Your request may be unreasonable or your partner may be, either way you don't belong with one another. Regarding your last flippant comment, women's ability to have multiple orgasms might switch the sexual imbalance that you're referring to. Fortunately, theres nothing in this world that makes me happier than making my girlfriend happy.
Hi EC, and thank you for your feedback. I must say I think you're layering a little of your own anxieties onto my post and stereotyping me as some misogynist ex-fratboy, which seems to be what you think of in terms of '"be a man" BS' -- I wish you wouldn't, because I do really try to be one of the good guys.. ***********(here's a paragraph break, since Nerve strips them out, and my writing looks silly without them)*********** To be clear, the my wife's compromises generally involve letting me play a little Xbox after the kids go to bed, sometimes wrapping up her evening web surfing a little earlier than she'd like when I lure her to bed, and accompanying me to the occasional 80s hair-metal reunion show -- we're not talking 'lick my boots, woman' stuff here. Most importantly, she doesn't subject me to endless litanies of whining and impossible nagging loops (one of my friends recently reports being nagged by his wife into buying a gym membership, and now is nagged by her for going to the gym). Because of this, when my wife asks me for something, I know it matters, because it's not buried under a mountain of nagging and whining -- basic signal-to-noise stuff here. ********************** Further, I never indicated Bowel is keeping Backed Up from his prime years. Believe me, I wouldn't be 25 again for all the gold in China ... it's a heart-rending transitional life-phase punctuated by little power, an uncertain future, immature friends, skeezy apartments, Ramen noodles and so on. Give me a healthy 40-year-old lifestyle any day, with a loving spouse, children, decades-old friendships, grown-up problem-solving skills, professional success and material comfort. And believe me, I don't advocate "cut and run" lightly -- remember, I'm a guy in a 10-year marriage that's had it's share of bumps. ********************** Here's the nugget: I don't believe Backed Up's uncertain 25-year-old life will, down the road, be an awesome 40-year-old life if he stays with this partner. As others have indicated, the nagging is more worrisome than the substandard sex. Of course both partners have culpability here, but Backed Up's letter indicates he values "discussion and compromise", so it seems he's doing his part. I didn't say "you're just not compatible" because that isn't what I meant -- I don't believe Ms. Bowel will be a good partner for ANYONE until she addresses her stuff. ********************** Men are very simple creatures with direct needs. Men appreciate clarity and live for their woman's approval. Assuming a man is not a sociopath, he is very easy to motivate: Treat a man like a man -- praise him, sex him, indicate you believe he's capable of achieving the high standards to which you hold him -- and he WILL act like a man (hopefully you can insert a positive picture of what this can mean - to me it means heroic, responsible, dedicated, trustworthy and so forth). Treat him like a child -- nag him, belittle him, ignore his sexuality -- and he will act like a child -- scared, confused, angry, crestfallen and/or rebellious. If you haven't tried the former recipe, I strongly suggest you give it a shot and see how your guy responds; and if Backed Up is feeling the latter set of emotions, I hope he'll find a more positive place to expend his life's energies. ********************** Thanks again for the dialog, and I do wish you (and Backed Up) all the best.
Yo BackedUp - If you're the type of normal dude who is guilty of nothin but surfin the internet and she is so uptight that she thinks u cant surf anything but Disney then your ethics aren't compatible. add to that that if she doesn't like fuckin you then she's either not really into you, or incapable of being into you enough. my advice, coming from the place where I dated a prudish girl who at least liked the sex and wanted it every day (even tho she was totally anti-anything undisney): move out of that place when your lease is up, get out of that relationship - you're not gonna get this one to change, and if you do you'll resent her for all the trouble and fighting in the meantime. determine how invested you really are in this and if you're not really up for a huge big fight with what is likely a negative outcome then find yourself a chick with a much better outlook and all..
Backed Up, I feel your pain. I just parted ways with a woman who didn't suck cock cause she gags (but she didn't mind me going down on here regularly , didn't like it from behind cause it hurts and it's "anamalistic" (whatever), only liked it in one or two positions. So the sex was lame, which made me think of all her other lame qualities, such as being pretentious, self-entitled, prejudiced, etc. and ultimately there was nothing to hold it together. My point being, sounds like you and your girl may be incompatible in bed and out. Also, IBS is often associated with psychological issues, such as anxiety or other, so maybe there is more going on than meets the eye.
Another thought, what was the sex like before you moved in together? If it was good, and frequent, then it's not the IBS most likely.
You're 25, you should be banging some young hottie every night till your dick hurts. (Hurts so good!) Good luck and God speed young cocksman.
where's my new miss info?
In response to "Backed up Boyfriend", It sounds like your girlfriend might be suffering from Celiac disease. That is an allergy to wheat products, that results in the kind of problems you describe. My girlfriend, now fiance, had similar complaints but after the change in diet she says she is feeling better than ever. I have noticed that she has much more energy too.
Good Luck. Hope this helps.
OK, so miss information wants to be nice. I have been there, if she has IBS it is from 2 sources, Anxiety or Physical problems. My guess is you already know if she exibits anxiety. If she exhibits anxiety, get out NOW. If you stay and play the nice guy you will only waste time, which is more precious than you probably realize. If anxiety is not an issue, then stay the course and see if you can live 'for better or worse'
M
I really liked the article, and the very cool blog
2eFbiU I do`t see a feedback or the other coordinates from the blog administration...
Author +111
Is anybody strong in radio here? We need a colleague who would tell us briefly about the transistor T2. I hope there are radio amateurs here. If it`s not on the subject at all, then I`m sorry. I have to write because I have no choice. PS: if the spelling is not right then also I'm sorry, I'm just 13 years old...
I serched through the internet and got here. What a wonderful invention of the mankind. With the help of the network you communicate, learn, read ... That helped us to get acquainted...
Thanks a lot! An extremely interesting comment...
I almost accidentally visited to this site, but stayed here for a long time. Stayed because everything was very interesting. Surely will share with all my friends...
Now you say something