Miss Information

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Miss Information is on spring break. She’ll be back next week with an all new column. Until then, check out this special post-St. Patrick’s Day collection of Q&A’s (all related to alcohol) and read some booze-infused confessions on her MySpace blog.

Have a question? Email Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

Hi Miss Info,

I was engaged to this girl I’d been with since high school, and nine months ago she broke it off. Over the ensuing months, we kept on sleeping together. She hinted that she wanted to get back together, that she wasn’t sleeping with anyone else and that I shouldn’t either. But a few weeks ago I discovered that she had, in fact, slept with half of Toronto and is pregnant!

After my initial rage, I decided the smartest thing to do was go out drinking and screw the first girl who showed an interest in me. Unfortunately, it was my best friend’s housemate. I thought it was obviously just a drunken one-night stand. However, during a sober encounter a few nights later, she post-coitally murmured, "I have a problem — I really like you."

I tried to tell her that I wasn’t able to do the relationship thing. She says she understands and is happy keeping it totally casual. Now every time I visit my friend she greets me at the door with a kiss and assumes I’ll be staying the night.

I don’t want to hurt her, and I don’t want to make things awkward for my friend. I really like sleeping with her, but I’m still fairly screwed up about my ex, and the last thing I want is a relationship. — Confused Canadian


Dear Confused,

You’re slower than maple syrup if you thought sticking your dick in this girl wouldn’t encourage her to form some sort of attachment. Granted, she committed a major fuck foul by saying she was okay with keeping things casual, then acting otherwise. But now it’s up to you to end the game.

A douchebag rookie will continue to randomly sleep with her, acting alternately friendly and distant, until he finds somebody better and acts all surprised when Ms. Fuck Friend is hurt. A pro will take a two-pronged approach, telling this girl that there’s no possibility of a relationship and then putting his dick where his mouth is (not literally — though send me some photos if you want to try) by NOT sleeping with her.

Obviously, this is easier said than done. But consistency is key. In a perfect world, you two would be able to bone away without incident. But because she likes you more than you like her, it’s your responsibility to exhibit greater willpower. Turning down casual sex (especially good casual sex) feels about as fun as filling out a stack of 401k forms, but take comfort in the knowledge that you’ll have better dating karma than your no-good ex. And at least you’re not cleaning up baby shit.


Dear Miss Information,

I hit on an acquaintance while I was drunk. He rejected me outright. I don’t see him that often, but I really want to be his friend. Now he won’t take my calls. I’ve tried emailing, but he responds in a strange formal tone. How do I fix it? — Smash-Up

Dear Smash-Up,
Sorry, but you don’t. You leave him alone. When someone adopts a formal tone, it’s because they think you’re a psycho. Now, I know you’re not a psycho, but you know what’s psychotic behavior? Repeatedly contacting someone when they want you to stop.
I understand your desire to make amends. It’s humiliating to know that a sloppy pickup attempt is the last impression he has of you. You might also believe that if you and he become palsy-walsy, you’ll have another shot at winning his love. Wrong. If a guy’s really into you, he’s going to say yes no matter how you asked him out. I found myself in a similar scenario in college. I drunkenly hit on a bartender I had a crush on and woke up thinking I had blown it (the date, not the bartender). The next day he came by my work to ask me out. I still remember the exact moment I was in my fast-food uniform, loading half-eaten cheeseburgers into a dumpster.
An active contempt for another individual requires quite a bit of effort to maintain. If you leave this fellow totally alone (for, say, six months), it’s likely he’ll be more friendly the next time you see him. If not, fuck it. The only person who got along with everyone was Mister Rogers, and half of his friends were puppets. Some relationships were never meant to be.

Dear Miss Information,

I’m a gay guy. A few weekends ago, my closest friend and I were out partying. After a while, he became uncharacteristically affectionate and told me that he thought we should be dating. Minutes later, he passed out cold. It turned out that someone had slipped him a rufie. Now I don’t know whether his declaration of attraction to me was real or simply made under the influence. If it was real, I want to pursue him. What should I do? — Cruel Irony

Dear Cruel Irony,
A quick question about your thinking: What. The. Fuck? Your friend’s drink gets spiked with a dangerous drug and your first concern is your own libido? How about paying attention to something a bit more pressing, like your friend’s possible brush with a health emergency? He’s probably feeling vulnerable, scared and embarrassed to top it all off. Now is not a good time for a romantic proposal.
It’s true that alcohol and drugs can be a truth serum. They bring out emotions we wouldn’t normally express, either because we only feel them when we’re wasted or we’re so repressed that we’d have a hard time facing them sober. This doesn’t mean your friend’s emotions that day were real or authentic. Maybe they were, maybe they weren’t.
You need to chill. If your friend harbors legit feelings, they’ll come out on their own. Concentrate on being a good friend, and distance yourself if that’s what’s required. Remain open to other romantic possibilities in the interim.

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