Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. We've broken up three times. I was always the one who initiated it. Things would be nice and casual, but then would get too serious and I'd mentally doom the relationship. The sex is fantastic and he's an amazing catch. My best friend. Soon, I'll be moving from Florida to California for graduate school, and we've talked about him moving there after my first semester. At first I thought we should end things when I moved, but it's been so good between us lately. He recently told me he's planning to move out there after four months or so. While I'm excited that the possibility is there, I'm not sure I want him to. If he comes, I want it to be for the right reasons, not because I'm a little lonely or scared to be in a new environment. I was looking forward to having a fresh start in California, at least for a little while. Sometimes I daydream about marrying and having a family with him; other times I sense it won't work. How will I ever know what to do? — Crossed Country
|
Dear Crossed Country,
The emotional climate feels better between you two because you know that you're leaving. Having this safety net has had a calming effect on your psyche. Rather than looking to this as confirmation that you should stay together, you should call a duck a duck and recognize it as a sign you guys are better off apart.
Want more evidence? How about this? You broke up with him three times. If you saw a friend doing that with a new car — buying it, then returning it to the dealership, then re-buying it again — you'd probably think she was a little crazy. Yes, we get more attached to people than we do vehicles, but it's not too difficult to get at the basic truth in the situation: you don't want your boyfriend any more than your friend wants to keep that new Corolla.
Still more evidence: You made a voluntary decision (and where you go to grad school is voluntary, I don't care what your advisor says) that puts you physically away from your partner. A tried-and-true breakup method employed by uncertain types like you, also known as "dumping by geography." Don't you think if you were feeling more certain about him you would have chosen a different school and explored other avenues and alternatives?
You're operating in this sort of push/pull dynamic, wherein you feel more comfortable when you're putting distance between you, and less comfortable when you're moving closer together. His moving near you is good, but not so much once he has an actual moving date. I really don't think you're ready to have him relocate.
Listen to what your heart and gut are trying to tell you, cookie. I'm sure you love him a ton. That best friend vibe is rare and it's going to be heartbreaking to give up. It's possible to love someone a lot and even fantasize about marrying them, but still have them be the wrong guy.
Dear Miss Information,
In a recent column, you talked about an old boyfriend who never came during sex. I have the same problem. It's been this way my whole life. I like sex, I have no problems getting hard, but to get just the right sensation and pressure so I can finish is difficult. The only position that works for me is female on top, and even that's iffy. I can, however, come if she goes down on me or uses her hand, and I can come when I'm masturbating. Similar to your experience, this can be really hard on the relationship. The girl feels unattractive and wonders if something's going on. I've been to some sex therapists, but oddly, they don't have much to offer me. Not a lot of clinical research in this area, I guess. So, two questions: One, how can I talk to a girl about this to make it easier on her, and two, do you know any magic tricks to help a guy come? — I'm Not There |
Dear I'm Not There,
I don't know any magic tricks for your dick, I'm Not There. But, oh how I wish our genitals could master the art of illusion. Vaginas as vanishing chambers. Condom balloon animals. Penises that expel brightly hued silk scarves. I'm seeing all sorts of possibilities. None of which, sadly, will ever come to fruition.
So in lieu of that, I'll run you through a couple of the more obvious answers, on the off chance that someone who's go-getter enough to employ a sex therapist hasn't already tried them:
Change the way you jerk off: Switch hands, dial down the speed, alter the intensity of your strokes. Take a couple weeks off and see what that does for your closing ratio.
Start slow, finish strong: You tease her, she teases you, do all that Sting tantric-sex stuff. When you're ready to finish, pull out the big showstopper. Could be nipple play, could be anal stimulation, could be a nude accordion solo. You know what you're into. If your nut-busting desire is pure and true, you'll ask her to go there (and hopefully, she will).
See some more doctors: Sex therapists are useful, but you should also be looking to: general practitioners to evaluate your baseline health and any medications you're on; urologists to look at the pee-pee pipes; and psychologists to check for and eliminate any mental blockage. (Don't expect this on your first visit. It may take months and months.)
As far as what to say to this girl, I think it's less about words and more about grunts and moans. It should be really apparent that you're into the festivities. An orgasm is like a big wet sticky gold star for your partner. You need to give her a tangible substitute, whether it's compliments on her technique or a "OMG u R best FCK evr!" text message an hour after she drops you off.
I would also advocate downplaying the whole affair — from searing pathology that must be solved, to slightly annoying quirk that you'll one day get over. Keep in mind that almost all women have been with guys who either come too early or can't get it up at all. We know it could be worse, so we focus on the positive. So should you.
©2008 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
|
Commentarium (18 Comments)
There's something called "sensate focus." Google it. It's what most sex therapists are supposed to prescribe for homework for most people with this problem of ours.
Is it possible, since it's much easier for you to orgasm in situations others than vaginal intercourse, that a fear of getting a girl pregnant underlies your "shyness"? Might be one psychological avenue to explore.
My boyfriend had this problem due to anti-depressant medication for nearly a year at the beginning of our relationship. My advice to you is to tell the girl BEFORE you have sex and assure her it's happened with all your previous partners. Otherwise, something in the back of her mind might worry that it's a story you concocted after the fact to make her feel better. As Miss Info said, she will probably need a lot of reassurance. I was a little indirect about it, saying things like "well, as long as you're sure it's the medication..." which was his cue to reassure me again that it was the meds and not me. Finally, think of it of as fun adventure for her (and tell her so)--usually, thanks to physiological reality, the intercourse part of sex ends when the man orgasms. It was the only time in my life where I got to be the one that decided when it was time for the penis to leave the vagina! It was a really powerful feeling and satisfying in an entirely different way than provoking his orgasm.
I think there's something to be said for the "fear of pregnancy" thing. My boyfriend can come from oral and anal sex no problem, but with vaginal sex he feels more comfortable getting to seconds before the big moment, and then pulling out, and having me finish him with my mouth. I don't mind--I've already gotten in my orgasms, and if that's what works for him, it doesn't seem like a big deal. Sometimes he needs to jerk off for a little bit before I finish him orally, but that's cool--it's a nice visual!
EB's advice is good if Crossed Country is a sane, healthy person who genuinely knows what she wants. It should be pointed out, though, that there are lots of people who are desperately afraid of true intimacy, for whatever reason -- sometimes because it reminds them of their own mortality -- and will unconsciously sabotage even the best of relationships in order to avoid confronting that fear. It's always a judgment call as to where that line falls, and we don't really know anything about her boyfriend's virtues or faults, but I'm not convinced, based on her letter, that Crossed Country is on the right side of it. It may be that she feels safer living in the realm of the potential -- in fantasy, in other words -- than in reconciling with the messy realities involved in making a real-life relationship work.
For the guy who is having trouble with orgasm via vaginal sex:
My guess is that one of these applies to you:
Taking antidepressants. Try lowering the dose, or switching meds.
Rough masturbation. Abstain for a while. Avoid contact with the glans. Ease up on the death grip!
Rough sex. Faster and harder is not better, but is a good way for both parties to go numb down there. Did your girl significantly change the tempo when she's on top? Take the time to actually feel what is going on. If you are loosing arousal, take a break.
Circumcision. Moisturize frequently to tenderize the glans. You may want to consider a prosthetic foreskin.
You don't sound like you have psychological hangups or low testosterone. Those could cause delayed or missing orgasms as well.
I hear your agony, dude. I have a similar situation - but it has aggravated itself (odd third-personalization helps) over time. The head of Urology at a very fancy shmancy hospital had nothing to suggest except drinking more water. The websites that sell cum-enhancers all tout the wonders of more zinc in the diet, plus a few other weird herbs.
And then there's a friend who's into yoga and meditation and such stuff who insists that the solution is to lay off - don't do it! - stop - all masturbation. The hand is a hard partner; the waginie is soft. You simply cannot get - says the yogista friend - the same sensations from puss as from hand when hand does the trick every time.
Well - nuff said - good luck!
Although these tips are all nice for genuine sexual dysfunction, but it's a bit like telling a girl she has a dysfunction from not being able to get off from penetration.
Different penises need varying degrees of friction just different like clits do. He could be too small, she could be too loose. It could be an issue of too-dense condoms.
If she gets so wet it feels like pumping a glass of olive oil, his partner could be a sport and try some Tighten Up cream (or the like, something with allum in it.) He could try sticking it in her butt.
I agree with S.I. My first thought about Erin's advice to "Crossed Country" is that Erin missed the boat entirely. She rests her advice on the assumption that CC is "normal" and doesn't have intimacy issues or other mental blocks. I think the guy will probably be better off in the long run if CC leaves, because she has a few screws loose most likely.
For I'm not there: If he can't come from intercourse alone, he could always just pull out and finish himself off at the end. A few of the guys I've dated did this because they liked cumming all over me, and it never bothered me or made me feel unattractive. Women usually need oral, an extra hand, or a vibrator to come during sex, so I don't see how this case is any different from the average lady who can't have an orgasm without something extra. Everyone needs something different, and I really don't think this is a problem unless someone makes it one.
(to Mr. I'm Not There) Erin misses the point. You have no problem getting an erection, no problem getting excited, and no problem having an orgasm. The issue is having an orgasm strictly from intercourse. As another posted pointed out, this is a common issue for many women, and there is nothing wrong with them. It should not be embarrassing to you or your partner. You are still excited by her and having sex with her. I am male and had this same issue. The solution for me was a vasectomy, so I could stop using condoms, which lowered the sensation for me. Of course, vasectomy is a big decision, but my point is that this is not a big problem.
4bfawk Youth rock band "Ranetki" says thank you for such a wonderful blog!!!
Edidn`t think about that. I'll tell my mother, she won`t believe it!!!
Author, Shoot yourself a knee!!!
Extremely easy by words but in reality�, a lot of things don`t correspond. Not everything is so rosy!!!
Scribbler, give me a student's record-book!)))
Cool:) I would say say it exploded my brain!!!
Honestly, not bad news...
Yeah, it is clear now ... Just can not figure out how often do you update your blog???
Now you say something