Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
I found out the girl I'm dating was involved in a threesome with two other guys. I'm not normally a jealous type, but this revelation made me cringe. I decided my retroactive jealousy was irrational and I read up on the subject and talked to friends. I didn't tell her since I considered it "my problem" to get over. A few days ago, she said to me that a person's sexual past is a part of that person's identity. This flew in the face of my coping mechanism, so I pushed back. She could tell something was up, and I eventually told her everything. She became upset that I hadn't told her and said that the discussion we were having was evidence that I hadn't "gotten over it." I immediately regretted having told her anything.
Am I wrong? Shouldn't I have tried to work my irrational jealousy out on my own and not reveal it to my partner? I still don't see what good can come of sharing these sorts of emotions. Isn't that what confidants and therapists are for? Now that I've revealed my initial reaction, I feel that the problem has only gotten worse. I wish there was a way to put the genie back into the bottle. — Potential Oversharer
|
Dear Potential Oversharer,
Why is jealousy over a threesome irrational? I don't like to think about a guy I care about doing it with someone else, let alone two people. At the same time. In an really erotic act only a small percentage of the population ever gets to experience. Sometimes in our quest to be sexually open, we wind up acting more like the repressed Puritanical-types we're trying so hard to distance ourselves from. In trying to be "mellow" and "understanding" and "free," we sometimes mute our emotions, and that's where we start to fuck up. Saying one emotion is more valid than another is the exact opposite of what all the sexy libertine folk wanted us to do in the first place, which is be super-open and honest with our feelings.
If it bothers the fuck out of you to think about your lady with someone else, then own that. Don't paint yourself into some box because it's how you think you're supposed to feel. Now, while there are no bad feelings, there are bad ways of handling those feelings. Which takes us to your discussion with your girlfriend. You hammered too hard on one element of what your girlfriend thought was an esoteric argument. Then she finds out it's not an esoteric argument. I'm sure she felt defensive and like your tactics were misleading. Which they were. But not on purpose. You were just finding an indirect outlet for your anger and jealousy. It felt safer for you to debate philosophical questions like "Is better to tell or not to tell?" "Should past lives be kept in the past?" "What constitutes a sexual identity?" than go to your girlfriend and ask, "Is our sex life interesting enough?" "Am I too vanilla?" "Are you bored with me?"
Let's end the "I wish I never told you!" "Oh yeah, well I wish I never told YOU!" stalemate. That's not going to get you guys anywhere. I want each of you say your worst fears about the threesome issue out loud. Get that shit out in the open. Let the other person refute them or confirm them or partially confirm them or whatever. Is there anything she can do to make you feel better? Are there any promises you can make re: the next time you're feeling all caveman? What about some new ground rules for discussing your sexual histories? Don't let the most important part — your relationship — get lost in all the intellectualizing and rationalization.
Dear Miss Information,
I'm a lucky guy. I'm tall, smart, handsome and successful. I have no problems attracting women. But here's the problem: I spend most of my hours working. Seven days a week, sometimes ten hours a day. I have very little personal time and my apartment is a mess. Despite all this, I'm about to take my friend up on his suggestion to try a personals site. I'm just wondering if it's fair to try to pursue a relationship with anyone when I have so little time to give. Am I over-thinking this? Should I just go on some dates and see what happens? — Already Not Ready |
Dear Already Not Ready,
If familiarity breeds contempt, unfamiliarity breeds confusion. Who are you again? What do you do for a living? Did we or did we not go to that little Venezuelan restaurant and give each other oral sex on our last date? In many ways your set-up is good. You can't overdo it too much. You've got a built-in safeguard. On the other side, it can be a big pain. There's a longer awkward period, and you might miss out on some good real estate because another buyer was able to move more quickly on the property. I know that sounds like a silly metaphor, but you'll come to appreciate it once you start online dating. There's rampant Photoshopping and both markets are fucked, though there're always a few good finds and results vary by region.
How do you date when you're getting three hours sleep and living in your own filth? It's actually pretty easy. Call when you say you're going to call. Show up for dates on time, or — if that's not possible given what you do — apologize profusely and thank her for waiting. Focus on her during whatever time you are together and refrain from dicking around on your iPhone, phone-phone, and/or computer.
Be affectionate. Rather than yapping about your schedule and how overloaded you are, yap about how much you miss her. Send photos. Send e-cards. Send links. There are so many three-seconds-or-less ways to show attention, and that's what it's really all about. Not huge blocks of time but that feeling of, "Hey, this person really digs my shit!" If you give a person that feeling, they're probably going to be okay with not seeing you all the time. That is, unless they're a huge, sucking black sinkhole of emotional need. Then you probably shouldn't be dating them in the first place.
©2008 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
|
Commentarium (28 Comments)
One question you should think about those 70-hour work weeks. Are you working them because you HAVE to work them, or is there just no reason to go home, so you might as well get more work done? What would happen if you took a day off to, say, clean your apartment?
Potential Oversharer (PO) and Already Not Ready (ANR), Miss Information is leading you both astray on 2 key points
PO, Here's a simple test: Do her present actions make you feel like she'd rather be with someone else? Or do they make you feel like she wants to be with you? That's the test, and remember, it's her actions, not what you imagine in your head. While we're at it, let's flip it around. I assume she's not your first lover, right? Have you ever had mind-blowing sex with another woman? A "greatest blowjob ever" story? A "night I got my freak on" story? Well, do you really want to be with those other women now? Of course not; you want to be with your current girlfriend (and if you don't, then you need to get out of this relationship now; it's unfair to both of you). So let's assume her three-some was the Greatest Sexual Experience of her life. So what? Unless her actions are suggesting to you that she would rather be with another guy (or guys), let it go and feel secure that she wants to be with you.
Your girlfriend had a 3-way with 2 guys? Hott. You should be thrilled, not annoyed.
See if you can get her to do another one with you involved. DP action is good for you.
fyi, you're a sexist pig.
krr, his advice may seem sexist if you're not one of those women who only seem to get turned on by men who don't particularly give a shit about them. But believe me, there are a hell of a lot of women who are that way (at least temporarily), and acting semi-indifferent turns out to be a reasonably good way to get into bed with them. Now whether one should WANT to spend one's time in bed (or elsewhere) with those kinds of women is another thing entirely...
Ah yes, the overused term "sexual jealousy" rears its ugly head again. The fact is, the guy has a right to be put off by his girlfriend pulling a train with 2 dudes, whether it happened last night or last year or back in high school. People need to own their deeds, and that means if you decide that you're going to get your rocks off getting fucked from both ends by 2 guys (who definitely have some sexual identity issues of their own -- no straight guy wants to be screwing a girl with his naked sweating grunting buddy on the other end), you are forever "the girl who fucked 2 guys." To yourself, and everyone you will ever be with. To your future husband. People who do things like this and are ok with that, absolutely, get down wit cher bad self, enjoy. But people who spend their sexual capital willy-nilly, without thinking about what it now makes them, are peobably too naive to be having a threeesome in the first place.
FYI's tactics work on a certain type of woman who likes a certain type of man. You can see them whooping it up in the meatpacking district on any given Friday. Personally, I'm glad he's spreading the gospel. Those tactics won't work on the type of people (I'm guessing) most nerve readers are interested in, which means more girls/guys for us!
@PO, I'm not sure I follow your logic. Something like - someone is a slut if they have a threesome, but sluts couldn't get a threesome? That makes no sense. Yes I know you didn't say slut... but you did seem to imply that a woman is branded and of low morals for any kind of sexual experience. Why so threatened?
@FYI - I think you and @PO should go out... of course we need more repressed manly men out there. You can go towel snap each others asses in the locker room like all 'men' do. Aren't women worth a little respect?
umm, anr, no matter what the reasons, working 7 days a week ain't "lucky", maybe you meant "lackey"...
... and btw, locker rooms and towel snapping breed fags and wannabes, the fading majority of women certainly deserve respect, and threesome-chicks are wack, pathetic and tainted for life...
Erin, I think your advice to Potential Oversharer is basically sound, but I think that you're over estimating people's ability to digest things they don't want to hear. The emotional, often visceral, response that comes from being told something is rarely if ever cured by logic, discussion or factual evidence that comes from further sharing about the subject. Certainly, in an ideal world, we'd be able to air out all of out thoughts for our significant others to pick through without having to deal with the jealousy, unnecessary emotional pain and arguments that--in my experience--typically come from sharing too much information. I think that part of being in a relationship is observing how someone wants to be treated and then abiding by it, unless it's unacceptable for you. For some people, a calm statement of feelings such as "I think that someone's sexual history is an important part of their identity" can easily turn into anger and hurt feelings--i.e. PO's freak-out. Lots of people have a few subjects, particularly things that they feel any insecurity about, that they are unable to take an unimpassioned look at. Having a few of those no-go zones doesn't necessarily make someone unfit for a relationship. There are a ton of things that I think are essential to communicate--whether you want kids, your peanut allergy, you think people wearing Crocs look like douche bags-- but something like a twinge of jealousy over the past is not. What's the takeaway for the other person? What can they do with this information that will help the relationship? Warning someone that you have a tendency to get jealous about that sort of stuff so they don't constantly trample that raw nerve gives them the opportunity to do something about how you're feeling. PO, it's your bad for not warning her that you're uncomfortable discussing sexual histories and for throwing a fit over an esoteric discussion that never should have happened if you discussed your discomfort previously.
What planet are we on here? AB, I disagree with your statement that
FYI,
For starters, I’m a guy. ‘We’ refers to all of us, humanity. Second of all, read my response, where I go on for a paragraph about why it’s a bad idea to share everything. “I think that you're over estimating people's ability to digest things they don't want to hear.” “The emotional, often visceral, response that comes from being told something is rarely if ever cured by logic, discussion or factual evidence that comes from further sharing about the subject.” “I think that part of being in a relationship is observing how someone wants to be treated and then abiding by it, unless it's unacceptable for you.” I’d go on, but if you were too fucking ignorant to read my first response I don’t expect you to read this one.
Me think ANR should not date. Women will ask for more attention eventually, causing him to spend less time at work, making mistakes and eventually losing the job, which I'm sure he does 7 days because they pay him well or he is desperate for the money. I'm in same situation as him, I don't bother to date. Not worth the hassle.
great logic there, sv... now tell the world why you are on a dating site, commenting on said dating site, and why you REALLY don't date... you can exclude your d and d affliction...
AB,
Interesting. My boyfriend sends me naughty texts about what he'd like to do to me pretty much every day, sometimes many of them, mixed in with the "I love you" and "I can't wait to see you" texts. And, oddly, after a year I still want to rip his clothes off and do unsanitary things to him every time I see him. Maybe FYI & others have just been sending the wrong messages!
Oh, and PO . . . I believe "pulling a train" is, by definition, having sex with many folks. Think about etymology--a train with only 2 cars is a damn small train. A threesome, by contrast, is a lovely way to spend an evening. And both my husband and my boyfriend (who, duh, are open about seeing another man naked--since when did that become a bad thing unless you're a repressed frat boy?) would agree.
MB - a 3-car train is still a train -- just faster.
And: seeing another man naked (sweaty, grunting, etc.) is not a bad thing. Just a gay thing. Newsflash: your BF and husband are not straight.
MB, You have a husband and a boyfriend and say I am sending the wrong messages? Unbelievable. The fact that your p-whipped husband and boyfriend knowing service your nonsense is yet one more example of what
Oy, what a lame comment section. FYI is the walking embodiment of exactly what's wrong with male-female relations. Any woman who responds to that kind of ignorant tripe deserves exactly what she gets, which is used and thrown away.
That being said, though I try to avoid speaking entirely in moronic stereotypes like FYI, I have to admit I agree partially with PO that guys who participate in sex with other guys in the mix are at the very least Bi, if not totally closeted homosexuals. (Which is fine -- gay people are all well and good -- but straight guys who don't KNOW they're gay are kinda fucked up.) It's like those guys who sit around jerking off together, watching "straight" porn -- how in hell is that NOT gay?
a) SG is a guy
b) FYI is a very, very sad little man.
SG is ANOTHER
"cuss" ???
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Wow! I just read your reply to the guy who's girlfriend had a threesome in the past. While the incident with me is not the same, the feelings of tell or not rang true. Way to go with good advice!
(Just to clarify my issues: I'm dating a sweet, loving man. He's been out of town a lot lately. He wanted me to call him after a class last week. When I couldn't get in touch with him afterward as he requested, I freaked out. I didn't tell him until last night because I was scared shitless to tell him anything. I've had bad experiences in the past with this sort of thing.
I told him it was my deal, my insecurities, not anything he'd done. Now, I'm not so sure if it was the right thing to do. But! I'll use your advice on how to deal with that when I talk with him next.)
Most women are whores. It's a fact.
Now you say something