Miss Information

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Summertime and the livin’ is easy. The reading as well. Put on a pair of hot pants, kick back in the hammock, and enjoy this Miss Info: Wisdom in 150 Words or Less edition. It’s more advice in less time. You’ll be off and running before your ass can say "waffle marks."

Dear Miss Information,
My new neighbor knows I am gay. He’s a bit of a freak when it comes to women — on his third fiancée after two broken engagements. When he’s liquored up he tries to get me to give him a blow job. I refuse — some light touching and kissing is as far as we’ve ever gone. I get the feeling there’s something deeper there, but he won’t admit it. Why do straight guys do this? Anonymous Tenant


Dear Anonymous Tenant,
Straight guys who do this are not straight. They’re bi, straight with bi tendencies, or out-and-out gay. Many of them are also huge messes. The infidelity and busted-up relationships are big old blinking signs. Surely there’s some nice boy that will give you the same feeling of intrigue and danger you derive from going after a straight dude without all the accompanying lameness. Remember that he lives next door to you, Anonymous Tenant. With the economy being what it is, do you really want to invite his bullshit into your home, your life? Next time he comes on to you, play coy. Let him find a new guinea cock on which to test his various identities. Your days as part-time lover are over.

Dear Miss Information,
My wife and I are going out to dinner with another couple. They’re not together, and we’re looking to set the mood so that maybe the two of them get together, maybe I will get together with the girl, maybe my wife will get together with the guy, heck, maybe all of us will get together in one big pile. We definitely think the two would be game, but want to be a little more artful than telling everybody to head back to our apartment and take their clothes off after dessert. Any suggestions? Horny In Our Buttondown And Headband

Dear Horny,
Orgies aren’t accidental. The ones that are involve ridiculous amounts of booze and illicit substances. Not a bad tactic, but hardly suitable for anything more than once in a very long while. Tits-out hedonism gets old. Sometimes just talking about sex can lead to sex. Start small — turn-offs and turn-ons. Then make it more personal, weaving in anecdotes about your own hookups. Watch how your friends respond. Open lips, hair touching and over-sharing mean a firm maybe. Folded arms, tense smiles, and clipped responses mean back off. You could also try a randy game like Truth_or_Dare or Never Have I Ever. There’re also games that start clean but become dirty, like poker/strip poker and Scrabble/dirty Scrabble. Excellent for skittish types. Other ideas include a vintage stag film or a cheesy sex LP you found on eBay. Invite them over, dim the lights and let the spirit of Barry White do his sweaty job.

Dear Miss Information,

A few months ago I reconnected with an old friend. Six weeks ago we slept together. I know it’s dangerous to get down with friends, but I really thought it would just go back to being hunky-dory. I didn’t want to get into a relationship, but I never got to tell him that, because he never called again. I texted him after a while. He kept blowing me off, until we hung out once, briefly. No word since then, and it’s been over two weeks. I don’t want to believe that our entire friendship was him biding his time until he could fuck me, but I’m not sure. I deserve to be treated like a friend, not a one-night stand, especially since we’ve known each other such a long while. Do you think I should call him out? Or should I leave it alone and accept that he’s probably just a jerky dude who wanted to get laid? — Infinite WTF

Dear Infinite WTF,
I’m with you, WTF. But here’s the thing: While most of us know how to operate in a meet/date/knock-boots progression, the rules for this kind of encounter are much more unclear. It doesn’t help that we’ve got old-ass gender archetypes telling us that "girls can’t have sex without emotion because their vaginas get too attached" and "guys just want to fuck and run." Now you’re buying into those notions yourself, by assuming the only reason he’s disappeared is because he’s a male and every male’s dream is to fuck a girl and then peace out. What if he just feels awkward? If it were me, I’d probably just ignore this immaturity. Telling him off ends both a friendship and a potential sex partnership when vagina business is slow. Be cool. Do what you do. He’ll be back around.

Dear Miss Information,
I’ve been hanging out with one woman on and off for about a year. She treats me like a king. She’s very sweet, kind and amazing in bed. But she’s fat. In bed, she’s so good that it doesn’t bother me. But I like hiking, swimming, kayaking and similar activities that she just isn’t able to do or interested in. I’ve let her know how much I love sleeping with her and how I appreciate her sweetness. Yet, I can’t bring myself to say, "I just want to sleep with you and that’s it." What should I do? How do I approach her without flat out saying "You’re fat. I cannot date a obese person"? Word Search

Dear Word Search,
She knows she’s overweight. You don’t have to tell her. And I really don’t see what body-fat percentage has to do with being outdoorsy. I’m skinny-to-average and there’s no way you’d see me traipsing around in Tevas or re-enacting some fucking Kashi commercial. Not while there’re olives in my fridge and TV shows on my DVR. It’s okay to maintain a distinction between the people you date and the people you keep on hand as fuck buddies — provided you treat them with the same sensitivity and respect you’d show any other person. Make it clear what you’re there for early on. They can decide whether they’re down or want to hold off for something more stable. Of course, too late now. Gently but firmly tell her this is fucking, not dating. Chalk it up to "chemistry" or some other nebulous reason and leave her to figure it out.

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