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July 9, 2008
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| Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity. |
| Dear Miss Information, Recently, I slept with a guy I probably shouldn't have. He's not only my best friend's ex, he's my ex's best friend. For the record, my best friend said I could go for it. She meant it, too. She's the kind of gal who usually doesn't care about that sort of thing. Anyway, it happened at this party they were both at, and that was the main problem — they had to see us getting cozy and didn't like knowing it was about to happen. They both got pretty angry, and I apologized for choosing my moment badly. They were starting to get over it and everything was looking fine, when I slept with him again. This time, they were nowhere around (i.e., they don't know). My dilemma is whether or not to tell them. I feel like I've done nothing wrong, but I know she'll be angry if she finds out. Part of me thinks it's better to tell her, but she's also said, "I can't control what you do, I just don't want to know about it," which makes me think she'd just rather not know. Is it okay to keep this one to myself? What's the point of making her feel worse by telling her? — Feeling Guilted |
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Dear Feeling Guilted,
Like you, I hear all kinds of conflicting opinions on this one. Some, like my sister, say it's better get it out there. Others, like my BFF, think it's better to hold back, especially if none of the parties are seriously involved and it's a one-time fuck-up. Still others, like your friend, have views that are dependent on an ever-changing series of conditions.
You're in an even tougher spot, because — unlike a not-laid-since-April advice columnist sitting at her MacBook waxing theoretical — not only are you actually going through this, you're also the source of all these discordant emotions.
I'm missing some vital information here, and that is: How do you see this guy? As an occasional lay, or as someone you might actually want to pursue as a boyfriend? Is there a chance of this happening again, or has this recent bout of regret cast a cold front across the State of Vagina? Even with a good-girl's resolve, do you often find yourself in situations where hookups with cutiepie are acutely possible — working together, living in close geographic proximity, moving in the same circles and so on?
If it was genuinely a one-time thing, deal with the guilty feelings on your own and keep mum. If you plan on doing it again (or, more likely, if you know yourself and know that your self-discipline will probably be lacking), I'd tell her what's up. Not only what's up, but what will be up — i.e., what may be happening in the future. "It's just going to be sex," or, "I know this might be hard to hear, but I think this might be the start of something between me and John. I mean Joe. I think this might be the start of something between me and Joe."
Your friend's going to feel hurt, and it's not going to be the most pleasant of conversations. That said, it's going to be much less damaging to the friendship than a cycle of sneak around/apologize/sneak around/get caught. Most sane people don't put up with that dance for very long. Apologies are only as good as the behavior behind them. Be real about your intentions, and that'll help you be real with others.
| Dear Miss Information, I am looking for a sex-education book for my ten-year-old sister. Our parents are fifty-five and very conservative. They haven't talked about sex with her, so I can guess by now she's gotten a lot of mixed up information. I live very far away, so I can't just be there to talk to her whenever she sees or hears something confusing. Every book I've found fits the "mom+dad=penis+vagina=baby" structure, and I think they're crap. I would like something that defines sex as a wide variety of things you can do with your body and mind. The books I checked out didn't mention anything about abuse, gender issues, or homosexuality. It's all, "Don't get pregnant! Don't get HIV! Don't sleep around too much!" Do you happen to know a book or website or something of the sort to recommend me? We live in Argentina and speak Spanish, but I don't have a problem with translating. — Nada |
Dear Nada,
When I was ten, the majority of my sex education came from my pot-smoking, glue-huffing cousin and a 1985 Playgirl featuring nudie shots of Sylvester Stallone. I was about half that age when my parents schooled on the basics, and even though my young mind was sharper than the porous mush it is now, it would have been nice to have a refresher. Something I could thumb through without involving mom that would boost my standing at slumber parties. If a Smurf sleeping bag and faux Izods don't win you any popularity points, being in possession of a dirty picture book will.
The first book that comes to mind is Deal with It! A Whole New Approach to Your Body, Brain, and Life as a gURL. It covers everything from growing pubes to getting preggo and all the emotions that go along with them. There's sections on masturbation, gay sexuality, rape and other topics not covered in all those other "Your you-know-what is a precious flower that will bloom when God, Mother Nature and Fox News say it's ready." (Full disclosure, I've written articles for gURL and my gorgeous big sis is the creative director.)
There's also S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-To-Know Progressive Sexuality Guide to Get You Through High School and College by Heather Corinna of Scarleteen, a must-bookmark teen-sex education and advice site. I often go there to do research for my columns.
Less sex-oriented but still fabulous is Life is a Movie Starring You: The Pesky Meddling Girl's Guide to Living Your Dream by Jennifur Brandt. It talks about important topics like self-esteem, peer influences and body image while staying super-playful, engaging and fun. "Pesky meddling girls" like the ones Brandt describes are more likely to make good decisions and take better care of their bodies, so it all comes full circle to the sex-ed stuff.
Finally, there's the old classic, Our Bodies, Ourselves, available here in a Spanish-language edition.
Readers, are there any other books or web sites you'd recommend for Nada's blossoming young sibling?
| Previous Miss Info |
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©2008 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
Commentarium (27 Comments)
Dude she's 10 and doesn't know where babies come from. You don't start drinking with gin martinin's nor do you start sex ed with books about rape and sexuality (For the record if she knew the basics I think the Gurl book would be a perfect place to start with) Start with "Where Did I Come From?". Basic. Scientific. Just finding out the science of procreation will freak her out. That can be your Christmas trip. Once she's over that, then (maybe on your Easter visit home) add on the emotions and rape and homosexuality stuff. But don't overwhelm the poor kid because you're harboring issues towards your parents.
Great for the girls - how about for a single dad and young boys?
It's been a while since I thumbed through "the guide to getting it on" but as I recall (despite the goofy psudo-racy name) there is a lot of very basic stuff in there. 10 might be a smidge young (perhaps that's more for the 15 year old set). I did see the Gurl book recently and thought it was fantastic. That one gets my vote. I read Our Bodies Ourselves in college and I don't know that it would be particularly valuable to a 10 year old.
I don't know books for the younger set, but there are websites and podcasts tailored for these things. Free on the inter-webs and iTunes! Scarleteen.com. Midwest Teen Sex Show (a v-odcast, and not a porno). Also, Planned Parenthood has a podcast; spot-on straight talk, but maybe a little too advanced. If the little sis has an email account, an MP3 player and a little computer savvy to change the names of the sexy-sex-sex files, Mom and Dad should be none the wiser. Just delete the files from the computer after putting them on the Pod.
Oh, one more podcast/website: SEX IS FUN. Kidder, the main host, has kids himself and is on a rampaging crusade to improve sex education from the podosphere. One of the podcasts on their feed (and somewhere on their website) is exclusively dedicated to a ~1 hour sex ed class. The rest of the feed is adults only. ~~No Kidding, Not Joking~~
On your advice to the woman who plans to educate her 10-year old sister regarding sex.
To me it is obvious she will be doing this without the knowledge or permission of their parents.
If there is Karma some pro-life loony-tune cousin will teach her children that even thinking about abortion will doom her to eternal damnation.
Why can't she discuss with her parents? Is she just resentful about her sexual education or what?
Scarleteen!
When I was around 11, my mom handed me a book called "What's Happening to my Body? Book for Girls"
We never spoke of the book, or puberty, or sex, again...but we didn't need to - the book answered all of my questions for the next 5 or 6 years. It doesn't go into too much detail about rape, homosexuality, etc., but it does have a very sex-positive, woman-positive vibe. It also has diagrams of the male anatomy, which I found very informative because it was years before I would actually see those parts in the flesh, AND, it had a whole section in the back of sex questions written by "real people", with answers. Me and my friends spent the next few years reading those questions aloud to each other, pretending we thought the questions were stupid/funny, but in reality, desperate to hear the answers.
I thought it was pretty much the rule to never sleep with one of your friend's exs. It never works out well. Or am I wrong on that?
When I was 12 I read 'Reviving Ophelia: A Girl's Guide to Surviving Adolescence' By Mary Phifer I think. It's not necesarily about sex, but like you said, self esteem and other female issues related to body image, worth, and universal knowledge help you make better decisions once that time comes. That book really helped me figure things out before I even got interested kissing boys let alone doing anything that could lead to pregnancy and disease.
Man, when I was 10 I had so many questions. We had sex ed in grade 6 that basically confused the hell out of me and no one bothered to speak to me about it. We had the hard science of it, zygotes and sperm and etc... it wasn't a good introduction at all. The next sex ed class I had was basically "DON'T DO IT, YOU'LL GET DISEASES" and I never truly understand the mechanics until I hit puberty and started kissing boys.
I wish that someone had given me the gURL book when I was young; as it is, I'm younger and I do remember discovered gURL which was a godsend to an awkward teenager such as myself. All I could think was "Oh thank god, my boobs aren't the only ones that are weird and off."
I remember a book called "It's Perfectly Normal" being real, not talking-down and informative when I was about thirteen (I'm 25.) Of course, kids today probably reach my teen sophistication level when they turn 5, so there's that.
You covered the ones I'd recommend for her sister. You're awesome.
MV, Her sister may or may not know nothing, or tons of stuff.
Heck, when my friend was 10 and I was 12 we were googling questions like "What is Snowballing?"
Of course the older sister should start with the basics, and work her way up. But a lot of kids these days do indeed have a lot of info, and a lot of it isn't accurate, in ways that can be especially harmful for girls.
If it's a book, she can go through it at her own pace -I don't think it will necessarily "overwhelm" her. She's bound to have a lot of questions by now, at the least.
I'm in the group that thinks at age 10, she's not ready for much more than "the basics" just yet. However, there's something else that needs to be thought about. As you're doing this without your parents' approval, how well do you think your sister is going to be able to hide a book from them? If your parents find the book or are monitoring her Internet browsing and then scream at her for wanting to know more about sex, that probably won't have good consequences.
I think it's funny how pretty much all of the feedback on these things will only be for one of the advice pieces. I also think it is funny how for this one it is the sex ed one.
When I was just a tiny budding flower, I read "Its a Girl Thing" by Mavis Jukes, and, now in my twenties, still flip through it, as it is a brilliant primer to nearly everything puberty-sex-life related. Cool illustrations too.
I seriously question the wisdom of asking Misinformation for advice about talking with kids about sex. Her recommendations call this even further into question.
The basic advice is answer the kids questions without overwhelming them with things they aren't ready for. Rather than giving her a book, why not have a conversation with her where you ask if she has any questions. If so, then answer them the simplest way you can. If not, don't push. Just tell her that when she does she can ask you, or if she is too embarrassed to talk about it, you will help her find a book then.
When I raised the topic with my 10 and 12 year olds, the 10 year old covered his ears and said, "dad, I don't want to know." Listen to that message if you hear it. If they are not curious, they are not ready to know.
My 12 year old had a special week long course in school that gave her all the basics, but she too still thinks that all that stuff is gross.
YOU should do some reading on the interwebs about age appropriate sex education before you give her anything.
maa,
Has occured to you that maybe your kids just didn't want to hear the info directly from you?
Or that you had previously given them the vibes that the info was embarassing/inappropriate for them to know, and they were taking their cues from that?
When I was 12 I would never have wanted to have serious discussions about sex with my parents, and they loaded what discussions we /did/ have about sex with moral judgments I didn't necessarily agree with, even at the young ages of 10-12. But like I said, I was simultaneously googling everything in the world sex-related.
No, of course you shouldn't make kids uncomfortable. But just b/c the kids don't want to discuss stuff with /you/ doesn't mean they don't have certain info and questions under their belt. Which is why a book is handy. I think it's a good idea though (as well as obvious) that the original question asker take the cues from her sister, and not push anything onto her...
Hello Miss Information! You asked for good sex education books for 10 year olds. There is an excellent sex education curriculum created by the Unitarian Universalist Association and the United Church of Christ called "Our Whole Lives" The curriculum provides courses for children beginning at 5 years old all the way through adulthood. The material is sex-friendly, GLBT-friendly, and not only talks about the mechanics, but the emotions as well. The leaders of the curriculum go through special training to be able to teach the course. Every effort is made to make sure the leaders are representative of different sexual orientations. It's not just a book to read, but a community of young people and adults that they can talk to. Look up a Unitarian Universalist Congregation or a United Church of Christ in your area and ask about the next OWL offering.
The Tao of Health, Sex and Longevity is a good lifetime reference.
For pete's sake people, if she is 10 years old she will be in Grade 4 or equivalent. Try and remeber back to that time if your can...the opposite sex is very interesting, catch and kiss is the favourite game (some may even be playing spin the bottle), kids have been doing the "i'll show you mine if you show me yours" exchange for at least a couple of years. Your sexulaity is awakening big time, and you are interested in everything with that level of childhood enthusiasm that you bring to all new areas of information.
Stop infantalising your children. By the age of 10 you have begun the journey to being a little adult, and need to have the information to support yourself on that road.
I would also recommend "I Love Female Orgasm" by Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller. It's a great primer on sex, sexuality and is upbeat and friendly while still being informative about the tough issues.
http://www.sexualityeducation.com/coolstuff/orgasm-book.php
I'll admit I know them, but even if I didn't I'd still recommend it!
Midwest Teen Sex Show dot com, when she's older. It's funny, and it talks about sexuality in ways that will keep teens involved. I'm thinking about 13ish, depending on the girl. I'd suggest watching it together over AIM or on the phone if big sis can't be there.
maa, miss info might be off about something but you are way, way, way off. the person asked for a BOOK. that's why she recommended BOOKS. and just because your kid says they don't want to hear doesn't mean they *shouldn't* hear it or they're not ready. they're nervous and awkward. what do we do when we're nervous and awkward? we practice avoidance. avoidance = a whole hot of problems later down the road. ignorance is NOT bliss.
*host* not hot.
whoops.
hi, i'm the big sis...
i never said i wanted to keep the secret. my parents will know all about this, we'll go through the material together (who knows, they might even learn something themselves), they're just not going to take the lead because it makes them uncomfortable and the clock is ticking.
and by "abuse" i mean "touching yourself is ok. playing doctor with the boy next door might be ok if you're both up for it and he's also ten. grownups making you feel uncomfortable is deffinitely not ok", not gangrape chronicles.
i'm checking out all the suggestions. some of them are awesome, though she might need something more 101 right now. thanks everybody! and thanks miss info! love,
Now you say something