Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
I've been dating this girl (let's call her "Sarah") for 2 and a half years. A year ago, we broke up for a week and I slept with one of my good friends (let's call her "Angie") who also happens to be Sarah's sorority sister. I never told Sarah what happened, but she found out shortly thereafter from a third party. For some reason, she's now under the impression that Angie is talking shit behind her back. Of course Angie denies it. I've talked to Angie fewer than five times in the last year. The other day, she and I made plans to meet up and talk things over. I haven't told Sarah. Is my girlfriend wrong to ask me to cut ties with Angie, or am I wrong to try and still maintain the friendship? — Peacemaker
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Dear Peacemaker,
Fucking someone after you've broken up for a week isn't cheating. It's pseudo-cheating, which in many ways makes it worse than the real deal. You got off (literally) on a technicality, and Sarah is put in this shitty position — mad at you but at the same time questioning whether she's even justified. It's not like you ditched her at the altar or gave her chlamydia or anything.
I think it's not the worst infraction, but it's a problem that you choose to do it with Angie, who's both a good friend and one of her sorority sisters. Old-school fuck-buddies. Randoms you meet at the bar. A distant acquaintance who's only here for a few days. There are ways to get your crazy breakup fuck without an excess of complications and strings. I'm sure you know you scored a big old goose egg on this one, Johnny.
Let's talk about your reasons for wanting to reunite with Angie. Are you trying to get to the bottom of the shit-talking incidents? Yes? Then forget it. It's too late to play Mr. Valiant and it's going to piss your old lady off much more than if you just let it be. Plus, it's not like you're going to get a straight answer. When's the last time you heard someone own up to spreading gossip, let alone gossip that's related to a romantic rivalry? Both girls are going to try to convince you that they're the sweetest and most stable of all creatures. It's the other girl who made up the lie about pubic lice and posted that fake Cragislist ad soliciting her services as a tranny.
If it's an attempt to re-establish a friendship, it better be an important friendship, because a physical attraction mixed with a preference for the same Grand Theft Auto character is so not worth all this drama.
Go to Sarah and make your case. It'll show you're respecting her feelings and trying to be more honest than you've been in the past. I can't guarantee she'll be excited about you seeing Angie, but it will put you in a better position to re-establish the friendship and keep it up long term. You've already learned that the lying is not sustainable.
hey miss info please tell me how can i make my girlfriend to have sex with other boys it's really turn me on answer me fast plz — SE
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Dear SE,
Try communicating with her in something other than Twitter and SMS messages. In your world, this translates to: "Talk f2f ASAP re: xtra penis, kthxbai!" Hugh Hefner wasn't born with a blonde pussy in his mouth. He hocked his furniture, worked for a children's magazine, and spent years acquiring the three women who may or may not sleep with him. You've got to really sell this to your girlfriend. Why it's hot. Why it won't harm your relationship. What she'll get out of it. Unless you're one of the lucky 2%, you're not just going to fall into a threesome.
Dear Miss Information,
What can I say to a guy who approaches me in a pushy, persistent manner? I've already tried imaginary boyfriends and fake wedding bands. I've thought about saying I'm a lesbian, but I'm afraid that will turn him on. I really want to scream "You're ugly!" but that's not enough. I want something that will totally deflate his ego. I'm sick of being polite. It's time to be mean. — Not Interested
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Dear Not Interested,
Picture it: My sister and me at the tattoo shop. Two boys, both heavily into the tattoo scene, judging by their smug body language and ink-covered forearms. I know what I'm getting, and my sister sort of knows what she's getting, but she's looking through one of the books for reference. This is regarded by most as a rookie move, and the two gents in the corner start snickering.
"You should get a Chinese character," one of them says.
He means this sarcastically. Because we're the kind of girls who'd let a stranger etch "round-eye slutbag" on our backs and tell us it meant "beautiful flower". Not like his friend and him, who know everything about tattooing and the universe.
"I'll do that," I deadpanned. "Right after I fuck your mother."
The result was pretty epic. They didn't even have a comeback. Eventually, one went outside to smoke a cigarette. Probably to get away from the big cartoon bubble hanging overhead. It said "AWKWARD" in Gothic lettering.
What happened after that? Ummm… nothing. Those boys kept on being douches. The world didn't change, and I felt guilty for endangering our safety (not to mention fighting misogyny by insulting someone's mother, a backwards tactic if there ever was one). You can't change someone's mind with words, so the only words I'm going to give you are these: "I'm sorry, I'm not here to meet people." Say that, then don't say anything. If they persist, don't smile, laugh, or react. Just look blank. Take out your phone and start texting or open up a book. Alert the bartender or ditch for a different venue if the lousy behavior continues to escalate.
Readers, how do you deal with a pushy pickup artist? Ever had it end particularly well or particularly poorly?
©2008 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
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Commentarium (26 Comments)
This column has really gone down hill. I mean look at the quality of letters chosen this week. The first letter is mere filler and the second cloaks four lines of advice in in 20 lines of anecdote. In addition to that the author regularly asks the readers to dispense advice or, failing that, just prints old letters. Its a shame, juicy advice columns used to be the only reason i came to nerve, no thats not even an option.
I give them The Look. You know the one. You look up, then down, then up again with slight disbelief on your face. Like you really, REALLY can't believe they would dare approach you.
And you don't say anything. You just stare until they make their excuses and leave. That works 90% of the time. The remaining 10% is pushed back by a simple, cold "Excuse me, do I know you?" Some will come back with "No, but you may get to know me now" which is easily rebuffed by a "No, thanks".
Not Interested: Have straight-up TOLD him you're not interested? I mean the kind of telling him that involves looking straight in the eye and telling the truth: "I'm not interested in you, and I'd appreciate it if you stopped asking me out." That works for me.
Im with Miss Info on the ignoring them trick. In fact, I had one woman couldn't get a guy to leave her alone, so to really get his goat she left with me instead. I was only too happy to help.
The flinch of disbelief, the slight hesitation, the look of utter disgust, and the very cold, "Um . . . no thanks" in a tone that really says, "Ewww! It talked to me!"
BTW, I don't really recommend reading a book, because that's for some reason a douchebag magnet. They all think, "Whatcha reading?" is a brilliant come-on. You might met a nice bookish lad, but statistics seem to say, unlikely. And this from a girl who often reads in bars.
hey bc - one of the questions got accidentally cut from this week's column. you'll be seeing an update shortly. xxoxoxo miss info
I am not even going to get into the fact that its really hard for some guys to even approach a girl bit. But I do have a question; do you ladies ever try simply being nice and honest? Something like, "Sorry, I am not interested, Thanks"
Now.. I totally understand if you have rebuffed the guy already and he simply won't take a hint...then sure crack away. But its been my experience, most 'guys' cut and run pretty quick.
Numbers game or not.
VT: usually, "Thanks, but I'm taken" and a smile is the first option if they're nice in their approach.
Otherwise it's The Look.
It sounds like Not Interested in fending off a particular guy, not just generic pushy guys. If that's that case, a simple "you're making me uncomfortable. Please stop harrassing me" is in order. It conveys a "not interested" coupled nicely with enough legal sounding words to imply "don't make me call the cops or an attorney."
If it's generic, a sweet "oh, that's funny, you're actually trying to pick up on me" also works.
Only one thing really, really works: Pick your nose.
For a pushy pickup artist there isn't really any nice way to handle it. The method that has always worked for me, since I really do start out trying to be nice, is to look them in the eye like you would a two-year-old when his hamster dies, and say, "Look, I was trying to spare your feelings, but it seems you just can't understand, I have no interest in you. Now run along and go play with someone who really wants you around." Treating a grown man like a child works better than bug spray.
Instead of telling a man that I am married or carrying a magazine-cutout as a fake boyfriend, I have found that the best way to keep unwanted men in check is to mention loudly that I am pregnant.
...and i'm feeling like my water is about to break...
I pulled out my wallet and asked him how much I could pay him to make him go away. I have also carried Scientology materials in my purse and asked him if he would like more information about L. Ron Hubbard. Warning: the latter technique sometimes fails in California.
Erm, I never really know what to say to unwanted attention in clubs. On the dance floor I might dance a little bit, and then just kinda move off with my girlfriends and stop eye contact completely. That usually works.
Although one time there was a very very short man (I am 6ft 1 with my heels on... those Scandinavian genes!) who just wouldn't take no for an answer. I ended up leaving the dance floor completely. Anyway, the final 'slow song' of the night I was hanging out by myself as my other 2 girlfriends were making out with other guys. I didn't particularly mind, I was just chillin waiting to go home. Then the super short man (I'd guess just at 5ft) came up to me and said "you see - tall girls always leave alone".
I told him to F off, and despite how silly it was, it actually kinda hurt. I'm sure that was his whole point.
Goes to show that there are a lot of aholes out there!
should've told him - 'not as often as little boys'...
I would have said to him, "And yet I'd rather be alone than spend time with you, which has nothing to do with your height and everything to do with your personality."
It's the line I tell all girls to use. It doesn't fail:
"You're really cute, but I'm just not attracted to you in that way."
Usually does it.
The best line I use on rude librarians, pushy train employees, pedantic professors, and unwanted men is : "Are you on crack?" Works like a charm. But you have to say it with a very straight face. Point and shoot.
Look up the free rejected phone number in your area, its a number you can give someone and the recorded message says they've been rejected.
http://www.rejectionhotline.com/
about dealing with a pushy pick up artist. i live in israel where men are not at all shy about trying to pick you up. for the most part it's just flattering; but sometimes with some guys it gets to be too much. what i do is just be straightforward. i say, "thanks for your attention but i'm just not interested." it sounds harsh and it is on some level but i only use that line when everything else has failed, i.e. i have a boyfriend, etc. some guys act rudely in response but if the goal is to stop getting bothered by someone then usually the goal is met.
Adrian Piper, conceptual artist, enjoyed reading in noisy bars but didn't enjoy fighting off conceptually weak pickup artists, so she had cards printed. They say, more or less:
"I wish to read here undisturbed, and am not interested in meeting new people. Please don't take this personally, but I do not wish to converse with you."
The truth usually works better than faking deafness or illness, or telling people that you already know enough assholes, thanks. how many assholes are enough? How many are too much? It's one of life's mysteries.
When I first saw her cards I thought Ms. Piper's approach was a bit cold, but you can't beat it for simplicity. It only, however, works if you're her and really just want to get back to your book.
But if you ARE out to interview new candidates and someone just doesn't look plausible but persists in pursuing you and you don't want to create a stalker situation, I'd say your best move is to fake an incoming phone call full of bad news, and leave. Alternatively, if the pest is objectively threatening, alert the management and have him tossed. If they won't do that, then leave and do not return there. How much of a stink you want to make after that is up to you.
Re: Not Interested. Why all the lies and games - fake wedding bands, please! Why not just be honest?
It sounds to me a bit like protesting too much: "I'm just so irresistible."
The tattoo parlor, you sound like a miserable cunt. How do you know they weren't just trying to start a conversation with you because they enjoy conversing with strangers? You have such a hefty ego that you think that any male who speaks to you is only doing so because he wants to have sex with you? Time for a reality check bitch. Some people are just social and enjoy starting conversations with strangers. My father is in his 50s and he does this to hot 20 year women, and 70 year old bag ladies alike. Is he trying to fuck them? No. He's just an outgoing person. I think you need to take some alone time and consider what has happened in your life that makes you so hostile to others and unwilling to make basic social connections. Or maybe that "round-eyed slutbag" kanji tattoo is fitting...
Cd8x8u Hooray! the one who wrote is a cool guy!!!
Now you say something