Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
My boyfriend is your typical twenty-three-year-old man. Sort of selfish, sort of immature, and that's fine. My problem is that, lately, he's changed. He's been getting really drunk and smoking lots of pot. He quit his job and on the whole has been a real douchebag. He keeps calling me names. He even pushed me up against a wall. He won't talk to me about what's going on, and I'm really seeing no other choice but to leave him. But Miss Information, I don't want to leave him! I'm in love with him, or at least with the person he was before he quit his job. What do I do? — Sick Of It
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Dear Sick Of It,
This guy's a twat, sweetheart. He pushed you. Even if he didn't push you or you pushed first or both of you pushed each other at the exact same time, it doesn't really matter. He's still a jobless alcoholic and a pothead with a lousy communication style. How many more reasons do you need to leave him?
You'd think a decision like this would be easy. Try telling that to Pam and Tommy. (At least you don't have to pull yourself away from pretty baby-deer eyes and an enormous wang.) Half the time you hate him, the other half he's this nice guy who deserves your sympathy. Basically, you don't know what to think.
Let me do the thinking for you. Here are three reasons why you need to release this boy from the position of Douchebag Boyfriend, effective today:
1) Everything we talked about above — the substance abuse, verbal nastiness, and most of all, the push.
2) The "Set-Up Test" — If you weren't dating him, would you fix him up with your best friend or sister? No? Then what are you doing? Why do they deserve quality guys while you play Mother Theresa?
3) Other Boys — There are a multitude for whom keeping their shit together and being nice to their girlfriends comes easy.
Finally, some homework for you, Sick Of It. A little reading on domestic violence and a list of resources in case your boyfriend's behavior gets any worse. You might laugh this off or think it's too early, but it's really important you check it out. People in your situation tend to do a lot of minimizing. You need to recognize these unhealthy patterns and start fighting them early.
Dear Miss Information,
I am a bisexual female. I picked up this girl at a bar and asked for her number. She gave it to me. The next morning I called to say "hi" and inquire about her hangover. We talked for a bit, then she said she had to go. I tried calling her again later that day. No response. I left a message. She texted back and said she's busy at work but that she'd call me later. A few hours later, I was nearby, so I offered to stop by her work and bring her coffee — this was also via text. Now it's been two days. What should I do next? Did she decide I was too overbearing? — Think I Fumbled
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Dear Think I Fumbled,
Holy cow, woman. You contacted this person three times in less than a day. That's more than I talk to my sister. I talk to my sister a lot. I'll call her to tell her I saw someone in leather pants or that I got a cut on my ankle or that I really don't get why people are so into garbanzo beans. What you should do next is nada. Absolutely nothing. You've already fucked it. If you see her around, smile and be cordial, but let her initiate the engagement.
Your lesson for the future: dating is not about immediacy or convenience. It's about build-up and restraint. No-notice dates require a kind of familiarity that you haven't earned or established. Same with favors, like offering to get someone's dry cleaning or (in your case) buying them coffee. You think you're being solicitous and spontaneous, but it comes off as ill-mannered and a touch mental. Tone down the enthusiasm next time and you'll see better results.
Dear Miss Information,
I'm pretty sure a girl is blowing me off. We only went out twice, right before I left the country for a three-week period. I emailed her a couple times while I was gone. No response. I called when I got back. No response again. We run in vaguely the same social circles, so I don't want to get too weird, even though I really like her. Mostly I was just wondering what the appropriate number of attempts to communicate is before I give up. I've never actually been blown off before, though that's more of a statement on my lack of experience than anything positive about myself. Help! — Hating the Waiting
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Dear Hating the Waiting,
You are getting blown off, that is correct. The maximum allowed before you venture into inappropriate, trying-too-hard and/or stalker territory is one contact per each of two methods.
Example #1: You send an email. A few days go by. You don't hear anything. It's permissible to call and leave a brief message. Don't mention the email she ignored. We're not here to blame anyone. Leave your number and an email address at the end so there's no chance to pull the old, "Oh, I don't have Caller ID. My cell is made of cast iron and runs on a hand crank."
Example #2: You call and leave a voicemail. Your cell is now silent for the next three days. You are within your limits to send her an email. Again, be casual and non-accusatory, and make sure to mention a specific activity and/or date. A lot of people are afraid to do this. It just seems like an open invite for rejection. But people are much more compelled to respond to a specific invitation than to something wussy and vague like, "Hey, how's it going?"
At this point, any weirdness you'll experience in social circles falls squarely on this lass's shoulder. She's the one being immature and avoidant. Yes, long explanations and Dear John letters are not required. It's only been two dates. Yet writing up a nice blowoff email only takes milliseconds. Maybe she'll have more time now that the demise of Scrabulous has crushed our spirits and freed up several hours in our online day.
©2008 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
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Commentarium (20 Comments)
@Sick Of It,
I'd also like to point out that he's likely Depressed... it's not necessarily about crying all the time - sudden (negative) change in behaviour, substance abuse, irritability, irrationality... it all seems to fit.
Perhaps it's just a phase, a bump in the road, or something more clinical and serious; regardless, he is in need of being helped by someone professional (counselor, priest, doctor, etc).
You can't help him. Tell him to get help (not one time - but on going - to work through whatever this is).
But I agree that it is time for you to move on. Perhaps once he has figured things out you can continue, but a little distance will gain you some perspective on what you want and need out of this relationship and life as well.
Being depressed does not excuse abuse or even just general douchebaggery. One of my friends' boyfriends (who I was friends with until he got all Dr. Jekyll) is also a depressed, unemployed alcoholic who pushes her. Since I used to be his friend, I know that his depression is real and even that the root causes of it are valid. I don't care. She should dump him with no caveats and so should you, Sickofit. I'm all about having compassion for people's shortcomings but this guy has squandered the right to your sympathy and help. It's not your job to help him get over his problems. It's not your job to stick around, hoping that he'll get his shit together so you can get back to together. As Erin has said, there are men out there who don't need to learn how not to be total assholes. There are even 23-year-old men who aren't selfish and immature, even if they are harder to find. Selfish and immature is not "fine." Don't be so willing to settle over stuff like this. As your letter shows, being "fine" with a guy who is selfish and immature can be a slippery slope to a potentially much more sinister situation.
If this guy shows up again in a year or two and has magically metamorphosed into a stand-up guy (doubtful) AND he gets on his needs and apologizes profusely for mistreating you, maybe consider giving it another shot if you still even want to. For now, wash your hands of this douchebag and his issues.
Hyde. You mean Mr. Hyde. Dr. Jekyll was the mild-mannered scientist.
REM--D'oh! You are so right. Yes, I mean Mr. Hyde. It's late.
If you haven't gone out that much, and she doesn't return your messages within two attempts, that means she's either not interested, too busy for you, or a flake. None of those is a good sign, and until something else happens on its own, you should switch her to "friendly ex" status. By the way, not only is Scrabulous gone, but Bennigan's just went under (as in Chapter 7 liquidation). Rather than be sad when things and people go away, try to celebrate that you've personally outlasted them.
@LT - I certainly agree (although my writing style may not convey it). She should get out of there, he blew it, physical and/or mental abuse is inexcusable.
I was only intending to convey that there are people in a better position to help him.
Sickofit: Sometimes people need a loud and clear message that tells them their behavior is F'd up. In this case, you might be doing douchebag a favor (in the long run) by send that message by promptly dumping his ass. True, he might not get it, but letting him stick around sends an equally clear message that at least one person (you) approves of his bullshit.
I totally agree with your approach to the "I have her number now what" conundrum. If you get absolutely no response to the first one, then obviously it ends at 2. However, in my opinion the rule of three applies. No matter the medium, you get three times to extend an invitation. If they don't respond at all to the first one, you're generally screwed (or not, the most likely case). But if they send you back something vague and/or non-commital then you can try again. Last time I was in this situation, I finally got it together to ask for the "right" date. (This was after a couple lame why-don't-you-come-to-the-thing-I'm-doing-anyway invites.) Unfortunately, it was to see Sex in the City, and I felt so dirty about my methods that I didn't see her again. It didn't help that on the movie date I realised some of her more annoying qualities (Maybe she was just taking up three seats on a crowded bus and talking at 80 decibels to put me off? The world will never know...)
The rule of three also applies to the seeing-each-other/dating divide. You get three free "sessions" to decide whether it's a go, and after that you have to make a choice. I wish that more people knew about this rule because having to actually break it off with someone who's just not right (but maybe friend material) really sucks without proper context. Both times that I've had to be straightforward about it, I ended up in a long discussion . Did I mention that I'm a lesbian and (it seems that) that's what lesbians do?
(I've also been known to let calls "drop" when they come from someone I drunkenly gave my number to the night before but that, in the clear light of the hungover day, I can see that everything was a mistake... I think we've all been there. I've learned to mostly steer clear of the "discussions")
I guess there's a question here... Do all of these rules mean that I'm a player? A slut, probably, but a player?
I'd be sooo put off if someone called, called again and then texted me in one day right after we met. I'd really regret having provided them my number and would not call them back. So yep, you definitely fucked that up, but I guess there are more people in the sea or some shitty euphemism.
Dear Miss Information, I was saddened to hear that the demise of Scrabulous had crushed you. Perhaps that new free time could be used to start that great American memoir of how a wonderful, sometimes- shy - and - thougthful woman came to be the revered - and - oft - fantcised- about advice columnist. Or perhaps that has already happened. Either way, I love reading your work. Thank you. I wish I could identify my struggles in intimacy and sexuality in a concise manner so that I could ask for your advice. Maybe I'm the shy one. Thank you again for your lively writing and sharing your delicious nature with us.
Surprised By Shyness
Hi Miss! I just read your note to "Sick of It" and I'm so very glad I decided to keep going back to previous "Miss Information". My boyfriend of 8 months, one that just asked me to move in with him, one that I was quite in love with, recently used me as a beanbag to toss against his walls before ending with choking me and nearly punching me in the face, before "coming to his senses". Nothing like this had happened in the past, although he was known to have a temper. He always bragged to his friends that I treated him like gold, but privately he would lament to me that he didn't deserve the way I treated him and wasn't used to being treated that way. He was also a substance abuser, although I turned a blind eye. The night in question, two weeks ago, I left, never to return. Tonight is his birthday - we were supposed to be celebrating it together, I suddenly was feeling sad and sorry for myself that he cared so little that he hasn't even contacted me to apologize. At any rate, your column helped me realize that I did the right thing, and you said the right thing. The push is the test to see if he can keep going. Thanks for bringing me back to earth. Keirsten
selfish and immature are not typical traits for 23 year old guys, or women. people have plenty of time to grow up in the 5 years since becoming adults. if they haven't gotten over selfishness or immaturity by then, it's not typical, it's a problem. but domestic violence is beyond selfish and immature.
4ayzyA Read, of course, far from my topic. But still, we can work together. How do you feel about trust management???
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Sometimes I also see something like this, but earlier I didn`t pay much attention to this...
Stupid article!!!
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Now you say something