Miss Information

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Have a question? Email Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

Dear Miss Information,

I was recently contacted by an ex I broke up with three years ago after dating her for almost two. She made the unilateral decision to enroll in a school across the country, and I was forced to break up with her, even though it felt like she was the one ditching me. I cared about her a lot and it hurt. Then, after no contact at all for three years, she writes me.

Apparently during some online searching she found a picture of me and a friend’s baby. She wrote me asking if the baby was mine, congratulating me and asking how I was doing. I wrote her back explaining that the baby was not mine, I was doing well, and wished her the same. She responded to say that if I was ever in her town we should meet up.

I am currently in a relationship and I told my girlfriend about the exchange. She seemed nervous, but said I could do whatever I wanted. Let me make it very clear that I have never — and would never — cheat on my girlfriend.

Turns out, I do actually go to my ex’s town for work a few times a year. I’m not really sure what to do. I still care about my ex, and the messages have got her on my mind. Part of me wants to meet, have some honest conversation and maybe even try to be friends. Another part of me feels like that isn’t realistic, that I will never get the closure I want, and a friendship is unlikely. — Torn

Dear Mr. Torn,

Thank you for submitting your request for MEETING WITH EX-GIRLFRIEND to Miss Info SelectPro Plus.

We are pleased to provide you full authorization for the aforementioned procedure, provided you do not suffer from any of the following pre-existing conditions:

Undiagnosed Ennui, with symptoms including but not limited to: restlessness, angst, or dissatisfaction with current job, relationship and/or living arrangement.
Low Love Levels, as characterized by an increase in the frequency or intensity of arguments with partner, a lack of sexual activity and/or daydreams about leaving.
Restless Glass Syndrome, i.e., the inability to modulate one’s consumption of alcoholic beverages, particularly while in tenuous or volatile social situations.

Please note that MEETING WITH EX-GIRLFRIEND is not without risk. Miss Info SelectPro Plus holds you, Torn, wholly responsible for any and all of the following:

· Continuation of unresolved feelings
· Profound disappointment that ex has not grown emotionally
· Pre-procedure distress regarding appearance and personal achievement

In rare instances, MEETING WITH EX-GIRLFRIEND may result in:

· Aggressive and inappropriate come-on from ex-girlfriend
· Significant other going shithouse jealous crazy
· Overwhelming desire to cheat

Please plan accordingly. This may include:

· Rehearsing an escape excuse should situation get too sad, scary, or sexy
· Frequent discussion of girlfriend before, during, and after procedure
· Abstinence from mind/mood altering substances as well as romantic environs
Failure to follow the advice above hereby releases Miss Info SelectPro Plus from any and all liabilities. Please refer to your benefits handbook, or the lyrics to “Time for Me to Fly” by REO Speedwagon for more information.

Dear Miss Information,

I don’t know who else to ask to get a straight answer. Here is my question: Can one actually see the hymen? Is there any way I can find out if my beloved is really the virgin she claims to be? She said if there was a way to prove it, she would. I really need to know, because the fooling around is getting hotter and we have an agreement: If she is still a virgin as she claims, then we will not do anything that will “endanger” that status.

I know there are other ways we can have a good time in the sack, and we’re doing just that. She gives good head and has indicated that she might even be interested in trying anal at some point. While not my first choice, the idea does intrigue me.

She’s said in the past that while she wants only her future husband to have “that piece of skin,” she may give it up to a guy she feels she is going to be with for the rest of her life. So it’s not like she’s a religious fanatic, although I have a feeling that a lot of the importance she places on her virginity is based in religion.

As far as I’m concerned, it’s far too early for me to make such a commitment, but I do like her a lot and it feels very good when we are together. She is also extremely pretty. Please help! — Believe Her?

Dear Believe Her,

Indulge me, if you will, in a little rhyme about the female anatomy:

Some hymens are visible,
Other hymens not.
Some hymens are stretchy,
Other hymens taut.
Some hymens are missing,
Other hymens intact.
My advice to you is . . .
Work on your trust issues, you control-freak imbecile! Stop obsessing over your girlfriend’s sexual past!

I thought this was common knowledge to anyone with a brain, a computer and a rudimentary level of sexual experience, but as a reminder for all you amateur pussy inspectors: The hymen is not a reliable indicator of previous sexual intercourse. It can be ruptured by tampons, fingers, dildos, vigorous exercise and so on. Yet the person in question is still considered a virgin. You can go here or here to learn more.

Let’s get away from the physical and talk about what’s going on upstairs. Why are you so eager to have intercourse with someone you don’t even trust? Why would you want to intensify the sexual activity when you’re not willing to make the kind of commitment your partner requires for such an escalation to take place? What are you doing with someone whose decision-making rationales and/or belief systems you don’t respect?

Believe Her, I think you really need to talk to your girlfriend. See if you can get at what’s causing your distrust. (Has she lied in the past? Is she really forward with other men?) Come up with some ways to ease your frustration. (More frequent makeout sessions? An open relationship? A compromise that you’ll start screwing once you’re engaged?)

I wouldn’t be mad at you if this is a dealbreaker and you absolutely need to have sex before marriage. Likewise, I’m not mad at her for wanting to hold on to her virginity, however confusing or convoluted the standards she uses to define it. The only thing I’m against is you treating this as some kind of power play: pushing your agenda, then dropping this person when you realize it was that “winning feeling” rather than the actual person you wanted. That’s cold, Believe Her. Not very nice at all.

Previous Miss Info

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