Miss Information

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Have a question? Email Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

Dear Miss Information,
After four years of pining for the girl, I got a shot at the title. Ms. A, who has been in a relationship for as long as I have known her, returned from the West Coast without her man. He had wronged her, and she was on a mission.
    We hit a gritty little corner bar and put away seventeen Miller High Lifes, two Bruce Springsteen albums and four Sinatra songs. We stumbled all the way home and into my bed. Then something terrible happened. Or didn’t happen. More accurately, it happened for five half-hearted minutes. I didn’t take it well.
    The next morning I asked for redemption, but it wasn’t the time. I walked her to her car, kissed her goodbye, and now I’ve been stewing for 3 days. I don’t know if this was some form of retaliation for her broken relationship or just a once in a lifetime chance. Ms. A treats it so coolly and I can’t read her. Either way, I need another chance. She makes my heart go pitter patter.
     I don’t know what questions to ask or in which order. I feel like I need a flare gun, not an email to someone who is barely real. You are real right? Please write back. — Crashing the Porsche


Dear Crashing,
Jesus Christ, what ’80s movie did you just step out of? You make Duckie and Lloyd Dobler look about as sensitive as frat boys at All-U-Can-Eat Rib Night at Applebees. Too bad you’re wasting your adulations on some chick who’s totally not ready to make you her boyfriend.
    You can stop putting the blame on the Great Boner Breakdown of 2005. That’s not the reason she’s being so difficult to read. She just came out of a four-year relationship that went down in flames. Her emotions are combustible, and her decision-making skills are impaired. That’s why she’s getting shitfaced, listening to Bruce Springsteen songs and screwing her platonic friends.
    I’m not saying there’s no possibility of dating her, but I wouldn’t get your hopes up. She’s probably considering a short-term affair. If you want to know how she genuinely feels about you, just ask. But I doubt you’ll dig the answer.
    One more thing — try not to stress so much the next time you have problems getting the equipment in gear. Not getting laid is shitty enough without having to console a mopey guy who doesn’t know when to drop the issue. Do like they tell you in self-help: Acknowledge, move on.

Dear Miss Information,
I have searched everywhere for the answer to my question, but no one (including the almighty Google) seems to be able to help. I was wondering what to do with my condoms in this ridiculous summer heat. I know you aren’t supposed to put them in your back pocket because they’ll degrade, but what about my sex drawer on a 100+ degree day? If heat is so bad, should I put them in the fridge? I know that might sound silly, but I need to trust my condoms. If stashing them in the fridge on hot days is going to keep them safe, then I’m totally down for it. Thanks! — In Latex I Trust

Dear In Latex I Trust,
Even though I’m a bargain shopper in every other way, I’ve never been one to buy in bulk. I purchase everything from tampons to toothpaste in the smallest quantities possible. I don’t know why — it’s not like I have any immediate plans to stop menstruating or brushing my teeth. In fact, the prospect of doing either keeps me up at night.
    Anyway, my point is that a three-pack gal like me is probably not the best person to answer your storage dilemma. I talked to my girl Rebecca at Babeland (, a women-owned-and-operated sex toy store. Here’s what she had to say:
    "As we all know, condoms should be kept in a cool, dry place, away from direct light and direct heat. Temperature extremes of any kind are not good for a condom. For that reason, we don’t recommend storing condoms in the refrigerator. If you don’t have AC, don’t stock up on a big supply of condoms. Treat them as you would fresh produce; buy a new supply every week, or at least every month. Condoms can probably survive a warm, dark bedside drawer for a few weeks. If you have any doubts about the efficacy of your condom, check it first. Make sure there’s still air pressure in the condom package before you open it. Before using the condom, check it for brittleness, discoloration and/or tears. And when buying condoms, check the expiration date and pick condoms that have a date WAAAY in the future. That way you’re assured of getting the freshest product.
    There you go, Latex. Good to know you’re being so careful. By the way, Rebecca says a newly minted condom has about a five-year life span. A good reason to toss that one you’ve had since the Clinton administration, and an even better reason to go out and get laid. Waste not, want not . . .

Dear Miss Information,
I know you’re gonna think I’m lame, but I’m just beginning to date in this “brave new world,” and I’m finding it daunting to say the least. I’m coming out of a 22-year marriage that was abusive and I was considerably overweight for most of this time. Thanks to diet and exercise I shed close to 100 lbs AND the husband. I find that guys seem to be attracted to me as they never had before, especially online. I didn’t date much when I was young, I opted for the steady but loveless marriage and lovable children instead.
     So now I’m meeting these amazingly hot guys (many of them younger) and it seems that all they want to do is “sample the wares” and move on. Even the ones my age and older seem to be fixed in this pattern.
     My marriage sucked, but is this what the dating scene is all about–love em and leave em, kiss & run? At some point do guys start looking for a SECOND or THIRD date or even a committed relationship? Please cue this “newbie oldie” in! — Flying too Close to the Flame (OUCH!)

Dear OUCH!,
First of all, you’re not lame. You’ve been through some life-altering events, any one of which would throw most people into a psychological tailspin. The fact that you’re even making an attempt at dating is awe-inspiring. Do you know how many people half your age swear off the practice altogether because "it’s too hard" and "they’ve been hurt before" blah blah fucking blah?
     The dating scene is what you make of it, my woman, and it’s time to change your technique. First, make sure your personals profile is sending the right message. Know that anything remotely sexual tends to come off even more so online (don’t ask me why, it just does), so try toning it down a little (or a lot) and see if that attracts guys who are more serious. Omit any phrases like “Just want to have fun!” and “Let’s be friends and see where things go!” I know you’re trying to come off as lighthearted and non-needy, but those words are like chum to sharks looking for commitment-free fucks.
     Also, be more picky. Lots of daters (Miss Information included) have been guilty of evaluating profiles with their genitals instead of their brains. A hot bod is nice, but make sure everything else gels. You want a guy that has "looking for a serious relationship" or something to that effect in his profile. Barring that, someone who expresses some real emotion or reveals something about himself rather than making a bunch of clever jokes.
     Finally, if you don’t already have one, get a good shrink. You need it after all you’ve been through and it helps to have a springboard for your day-to-day dating decisions. Good luck, lady Icarus.

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