Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
I'm a twenty-four-year-old gay man who's been with his boyfriend three years and counting. Recently, a friend of mine told me he came across my boyfriend's online profile and thought I should know he was seeking "action/sex" and claiming to be single. I know this was wrong, but after I confronted him and he denied it, I decided to check my boyfriend's email account. Lo and behold, an inbox full of profile registrations, mostly geared toward fighting/wrestling personals sites.
I'm no prude, and I'm open to all types of bedroom activities. Rather than call him out, I tried to find subtle and creative ways to incorporate his pro-wrestling fantasies into our sex life. The problem? He claimed he didn't want to do that type of activity because "he might hurt me" and it didn't turn him on. I decided to drop it but periodically check in on his profile to see if he continued to pursue these hookups. Unfortunately, he consistently logs onto these sites and advertises that he'd like to meet guys for wrestling (but no sex).
I want to make our relationship work, but I'm confused by this wrestling bit. First off, is this normal? Does he want to cheat on me? Will he ever be happy with me if I can't fulfill his wrestling fantasies? Should I break it off before he decides to act on these feelings and/or cheat on me? — Against the Ropes
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Dear Against the Ropes,
It's not normal in the sense that Netflix is going to add a tab to your homepage with "More Gay Wrestling Classics You'll Love!" Facebook isn't teeming with status updates like "Eric, Kevin, and Filipe just joined the 'Dude-on-Dude Wrestling Club'." But it's not that abnormal, either. A lot of people, especially guys, get turned on to wrestling when it's part of roughhousing during childhood. Perhaps your boyfriend had a crush on a wrestler in high school or spent long nights watching guys in tights go at it on cable. He could also be into the domination and submission aspect. Fetishes and fantasies come from weird, unexplainable places. Who knows.
Part of some people's fantasies is to keep the activity secret from their partners. To share means to dampen the intrigue, the danger, the shamefulness, the excitement. This may be the reason your boyfriend isn't responding to your enthusiastic half-nelsons. It's not that you're doing it wrong, it's that you're the one doing it. You feel differently about your sweetheart then you do an anonymous stranger. (Sigh.) Mature people who value their relationships accept this, or negotiate alternatives. Immature people... well. We'll get to that in a moment.
Since the only knowledge you have of his fetish is secondhand, perhaps you could satisfy him. You just need more direct input about what he wants. It's not the kind of thing you can learn by subtle suggestion. Your boyfriend's probably holding back a little because he's terrified of getting busted. "Who me? Wrestling? Naw, that's for pervs and weirdos." I'm sure he's more blunt with these anonymous online blokes.
Now that I've done my intellectual and sexual hypothesizing, can I say something a little blunt? Your boyfriend is behaving like a first-class maggot, Against the Ropes. I've seen cartoon tobacco mascots with more morals. You were wrong to check his email, yes, but that's not enough to excuse a guy who lies, gets caught and goes on to lie some more.
I would get out. I don't think I'd ever be able to trust him. If you're willing to put in more work, you and boyfriend better start talking. What constitutes fidelity, how you can fix your communication and what you're going to do about upping the level of honesty are all good starters. You might want to add in the irony of how he didn't want to wrestle because he "might hurt you" if there's any time left over. Because we all know that lying and deception feel so much better.
Dear Miss Information,
I'm travelling to the DNC and meeting up with two friends from college. They're both great guys, and I've hooked up with each of them in the past. We've never all hung out at the same time, even though Boy A and Boy B are close friends.
We're all single, and I'm interested in hooking up with Boy A. Boy A seems interested in this plan. However, I'm facing a twenty-five-hour drive home with both of them after the convention. Boy B is a great person and I really want to stay friends, but I've always suspected that he likes me more than I like him.
My question: Is there a safe way of getting my Boy A action without fucking over all our friendships? I suspect communicating with both of them would help, but I've never had to broach this sort of topic.
Do I ask Boy B if I can hook up with Boy A? Do I ask Boy A to talk to Boy B, since I'm sure they've talked about me before and might understand each other's feelings better? Do we all go out and get drunk and hash it out when we get there? I want everyone to get along. Soon we'll all be moving to the same city for the first time ever. — Politically Correct
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Dear Politically Correct,
It'll only take an hour of slogan-shouting and wine-sipping before Boy B figures out that you're totally hot for Boy A's sex business. Let's not take him for a dummy. The question then is whether Boy B would like to be informed that you're about to hook up with Boy A, or if he'd rather deal with the rejection in a more indirect manner. To continue the ruse that everything's okay is to save some face and give himself time to process. He can't really do that if he's put on the spot and all parties involved are talking it out.
Boy B might like this. Then again, Boy B might not. There's another camp of individuals whom, no matter how inconvenient or awkward, will do anything to avoid being out of the loop. "If you had just come to me, man-to-man/woman-to-woman…" is the refrain here. Which is kind of funny, because they still get angry when you tell them. They just find another thing to be angry about.
Waiting until you get home is probably the best option. The alternative is to tell Boy B that you've been feeling a connection with Boy A and that there might be some adult activity happening over the weekend. You value your relationship (don't say "friendship," he's already getting socked in the balls) and you don't want to sneak around like two little children. You'll of course respect his feelings and not make out with Boy A on the dance floor at the political mixer or fuck him on the way home, but other that that you can't promise much. Odds are he'll act like it's okay but remain bubbling with resentment. Which might make you wonder if it'd be better if you never told him. To that I say — short term, yes. Long term, though, he'll respect you more for it.
Dear Miss Information,
I'm approaching thirty-one, and I can't remember a single adult year that I've been happy. My family and friends don't take me seriously because I don't have a mate or children. And, well... I've never been in a relationship at all, as a matter of fact. That doesn't mean I haven't loved or can't. It just means that no one has loved me back. The girl I desire most recently told me that she's into someone else, and I'd just love for a big ol' bus to plow me down and get this over with. The days mean absolutely nothing and it's hard to look on the bright side. Therapists and volunteer work haven't helped a damn bit. So, I'm hoping you'll say something simple and to the point that snaps me out of a never-ending funk. Maybe you know something I don't? — I Miss the '80s
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Dear I Miss the '80s,
Wrong focus. People get divorced. There are miserable moms and dads. Find one tiny bit of joy to hold onto, even if it's just West Wing re-runs. Change therapists, consider meds.
Voila. Thirty-one words. One for each year of your bummer existence. Readers, do you have any similarly succinct advice for our '80s-fixated friend? Post it in the feedback section, and tell him in the same number why — despite the Cheetah Girls, the yo-yos in office and the terrible things happening to America's signature beverage — it's a good time to be alive, unattached and struggling like the rest of us. What gets you through the day when even the sunlight looks dark?
©2008 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
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Commentarium (26 Comments)
What gets me through the days of being single:
1. Seinfeld and Frasier re-runs
2. First cup of morning coffee
3. Comphy PJs
4. Sexy PJs
5. Lots of spending cash you never have to share and can spend on counless books
6. Books
7. A sense of possibility before every date
8. A funny story after every date (bonus points if the date was bad)
9. Yummy yogurt that you can eat in your kitchen at 2am without waking anyone else up besides your kitten
This is just my list - it's simple and it makes me happy.
Elena
Dear "I miss the 80's" There is only one normal and it is whatever the fuck makes YOU happy. What everyone else does to be happy has nothing to do with you. I spent YEARS trying to figure out why I couldn't be like everyone else and the reason was simple. I'm NOT like everyone else. Stop looking for that special someone so hard. As a matter of fact,STOP looking altogether.Ever notice how you find the coolest thigs when you are not looking for them? You are single and you have the freedom to do whatever you want ,whenever you want. Dive into that and enjoy it. If you keep trying to fit your life into a mold that you see other people living by then you will soon learn the true meaning of misery.Don't ask the status quo wich way you should go. Take an inventory of who you are. Do you really know what you like?I always thought that it would be cool to take picture, but I never even had a camera until I was almost 40 and married. I take more pictures of naked women than all of the single guys that I know.That is not ALL that I do, but do you get the point? You are fine. Everyone else is fucked up. LIVE. dirtwood
Firstly, don't worry about family/friends approving of you based on your relationship status. If they actually bring it up directly, just respond, "Hey, if you've got someone suitable in mind, throw her my way!" Sometimes they actually will. Aside from all that, stop worrying about finding someone so bad. Oh, sure, you can post profiles on online dating sites, or go out to the clubs one night hoping to score, but don't let it define you. Finally, be nice to people. I know you already do volunteer work, but I mean in everyday life. Smile at everyone. If confronted about it (which you probably won't be, because people enjoy being smiled at), just say you're happy to be alive. Casually help out people who are in a jam. I once got asked if I was single after helping a woman get into her car that had been frozen shut by an ice storm. (I wasn't, but the sentiment was nice.) No one wants to go out with someone who's mad at the world. Try being happy, and see what happens.
all the above advice is awesome. enjoy your life in every way you can. sunrise, sunset, the stars, scent of fall, breathing, cold water, the sound of waves, chocolate, coffee, wine, fresh bread, working out, music, seinfeld, rocky, walking over bridges, art, reading, movies, writing, roller coasters, swimming, jumping in waves, beer, touching, being healthy, having an appetite...be happy with yourself, your thoughts, new scenes, old scenes,
besides, you're a 31 year old guy. from what i hear from my male friends, at some point in your 30s the tide turns.. in your 20s you're chasing women and in your 30s and up women do more of the chasing... so stop worrying about what people are saying and doing and try to relax... : )
There is so much out there to live for
1. Find that place that makes you feel a little more at peace with yourself and the world (for me, it's getting outside as the sun, the wind, the rain, they all help me feel a bit more connected to the world)
2. Make of list of as many things that you have always wanted to do, to try, to experience... then pick the easiest, shortest, quickest to do and go do it.
3. Breath in... Breath out...
4. Take the energy generated by this, update your list (perhaps scratching a few things off) and Repeat.
Nothing will be as you expected, but you will learn a little more about yourself. Experience the joy of being you. Then others will, in time, want to share and experience you as well as friends or lovers.
There is contentment in knowing where you fit in this world, and happiness to experienced with that.
If it's all to overwhelming to start, find a Therapist, but try a new one (like a glove, not all therapists fit, but when they do, they offer extraordinary support)
I have just found myself, at age 37, single again for the first time in 10 years. It scares the hell out of me some days, but then I just step back, relax, and tell myself that yes, I am a good looking older guy with a great head on his shoulders. I KNOW who I am and what I want and I am not going to let others dictate those things about me ever again. Will I grow old alone? Who knows. I do know that I am going to try to enjoy the ride while it lasts. I do miss cuddling, making breakfast for my love, or even picking up a flower at random...but I do not miss the crazy girls that have driven me crazy all these years. Hang in there, and know that you are not alone...ever. We all just bump into each other, blind to the fact that we are flying in the same sky.
Miss the 80s, my partner could have written your letter back in 2001--same age, same everything, except he'd had a few shortish relationships with women who weren't really into him. January 2002, he goes back to university part-time, walks into my classroom (I was the prof), and by November 02 I'm walking out on my husband to be with him, because I was so madly in love. Sixth happy anniversary coming up. My point is that you really, honestly never can know. You just can't. Sometimes the universe aligns and things happen. Good luck.
To the single 31-yr-old whose never been happy, self-pity and whininess is not attractive- unless you also have musical talent, but rock stars always get the girl. A relationship can't fix your problems. Erin is right. Start with you.
Maybe you feel a little more than others do. Do anything to keep on living til you don't want to be hit by a bus. Go to prison, write a song, go into a psych ward, plod along silently...it doesn't matter how you get through it, it just matters that you do.
80
Soon all the girls your age that got married at 22 will be divorced. And you, my childless friend, will be the prime rib in a sea of Grade D ground chuck.
Also, college chicks always want guys in their early 30s. And you don't have the scary ex-wife or multiple children to scare them off.
It's natural to feel that way. You're not the only one. Keep hanging on.
Dear I Miss the 80s,
In my experience, things always get better just when you least expect it. Just keep a sense of humor and some tenuous grip on a positive outlook and things will eventually turn around. Taking good care of yourself (eat healthy, get some exercise, buy some clothes you like) helps too. After all, you can't trust anyone else to do it, can you?
Mate, family, friends don't bring happiness; you do. External aids fail if you're idle. Look to yourself, your allies will come
Also, women flee basket cases. Cheer up, or fake it. (31 words)
80s, I hope you read this. Most of the advice posted here sucks. It's happy goody-goody optimistic crap. JP makes a good point in saying that you never know, but that isn't enough on its own. I've been where you are and I'm within a few years of your age.
So fuck it, the internet is anonymous. These feel-good comments will make you feel better for a few days at best, then you'll realize you're still not happy and you'll probably still be unhappy for quite a while. Here's what I did, it's a shitty thing to do but it worked. Everyone will say it's crappy advice but fuck it (see above).
I decided that I was too old to be both unhappy and lonely and figured I had put in a lot of effort with no rewards. Not only did I want a bus to crush me, I decided I could make that happen myself so I picked a day. A random day not near any other significant days about 13 months in the future. If I was still unhappy on that day I'd off myself.
Ok, wah wah you softy hippies. Fuck off.
I was honestly going to do it. Maybe you can't and maybe it was important that I could. I don't know. But in those months I became a different person. Things that used to seem important no longer were. Things that I had been putting off had to be done immediately. I started playing guitar more seriously, I spent time with my friends. I discovered what mattered to me. I stopped worrying about making car payments or working hard or planning my future.
One day I just walked up to a cute girl and talked to her. If she embarrassed me I'd be dead soon enough anyway, who cares? We hit it off, spent some time together and I really fell for her.
Turns out she saw me as just a friend and it broke my heart. Again. Big deal, it's happened so many times.
But I realised, with about 6 months left, that I had to try again. I talked to another cute girl and it went terribly. Then I talked to another, and it started slowly but something was there. I made it clear right away that I didn't want a friend. She said it was ok and by the time my pre selected date rolled around I was in a new and exciting relationship. I wasn't sure if I would always be happy but I wanted to find out.
Two years on and I'm with the girl, I'm doing the things I love - some which I didn't know I loved - and life is generally bearable. It's not perfect, it never will be, but I look back at that year and it's definitely a turning point for everything that's happened since.
So fuck everyone that tells you thinking happy thoughts will make you all better. Fuck that. I helped myself by having my darkest thoughts. I don't know what part of my experience was the most important, if anything - it could have been a giant coincidence - but I do think that if anything, be honest with yourself. Really fucking brutally honest.
Good luck, you may need it.
80's, i love wtf's advice, but here's a link to another worthwhile experiment:
http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/
i just discovered this today, right before reading your letter and miss info's response. gretchen's happiness indicators are way, WAY different than mine, but i like her approach.
i'm also single and nearly 31 and ready to scream some days, but in addition to all this "try real hard to be happy" crap, i find that meds help. there's no shame in taking a pill every day if it keeps you even and out of the path of the downtown express.
Re: "I miss the 80's", a couple of things:
Most importantly, you have classic symptoms of depression. This not only makes YOU unhappy, it makes other people want to avoid involvement with you. Depression is VERY treatable, best with a combo of cognitive behavior therapy and meds, although either alone is also quite effective. Check into it. I had the same problem myself, and was greatly (and probably permanently) helped.
That being said, with all due respect, I don't think the 80's were that great (I'm "from the 60's" myself). Ronald Reagan and Bush, Sr. were president for the WHOLE DECADE, fer cryin' out loud! Major depression usually starts in teenage or early adult years. You probably just hadn't gotten there yet. Best of luck.
WTF, To help yourself you did more than just having your darkest thoughts. Outside of setting your
Dear I miss the 80's:
Get out of yourself by helping someone else. Join an active volunteer group that requires lots of time. Your issues will gain perspective, plus you'll meet someone worth knowing and who thinks you're worth knowing.
(Sorry, 35 words)
Not everyone in a relationship is an unselfish Saint. Dating Confessions are a sure sign of that. Why is it every time someone is unhappy, they get told to volunteer? 80's already said that he volunteered and he's gone to therapists. Therapists with an s. To keep going is probably the right thing to do. But, to keep rehashing what he's already tried is redundant and a waste of your time. There's some great advice on here for that guy. And, I wish him the best.
Dear I Miss the 80s,
Hang in there. No children you're fucking up, right? You can be a late bloomer. Seriously, TONS of people become drug addicts and do horrid things b/c they are miserable.
That's my 31 words. Some version of that is what I tell myself too, b/c, at 30, I feel sort of the same. But life kicks everyone's ass, we're just getting lots of practice dealing with it early. So that we can be champs later. Just keep some kind of spark alive in there, somewhere. So that you can live again when the good stuff hits.
xoxo.
If this guy is going to feel so depressed about his life, he might as well give up the whole love thing right now. It's said well in Love Actually, and I quote: ''Nobody's ever going to shag you if you cry all the time''.
Being loved is not necessarily a recipe for happiness. I'm married and in a somewhat solid relationship (and I'm 38) and I'm not very happy. I really think happiness comes from someplace else. What do you do with your time? Do you care about your work, other parts of your life? The love of a family is part and not all of the picture. I have friends in relationships and friends who are single, and everyone has their own issues and problems. I also think the whole hooking up thing is a crapshoot: if I hadn't been in the place and time where I met my husband (I'm talking fate, I guess) then I'd be alone, and I like to think I'd be in some warm city watching the waves and hugging my cat and not that I'd have just gone for whichever other dude ran in front of me waving his arms that he'd like a woman. I should say that I'm not planning to have children; if that is something you deeply, deeply want then I think there is a way to find it whatever happens.
Oops- did I misread your letter and think you wanted children? Umm. This may require a sappier and more poetic approach which I don't have at my disposal. You may just be sad because you want a girl. Dude, you can have a girl and still want a girl. Relationships are very messy, and I don't think people are always better off with them. Has to be the right one. Also, ignore your parents. My parents didn't treat me like an adult until I got married at 33- it's annoying but so normal.
To I Miss the '80's-
I felt this way, too. Worked with various therapists. Still felt bad. Finally had to admit the geographical cure I had put myself on for over a decade since college was actually only making my life harder in many ways. Finally admitted depression ran heavily in my family. Meds had saved my sister and she excels in life now. I'm on the same med, Lexapro. No side effects. I feel like a normal person. Ironically, I was diagnosed with cancer this summer. Feeling balance emotionally has helped immensely. I'm still in therapy. It's still helping.
One word for you mate: Weed!
Now you say something