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October 8, 2008
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Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear Born Again Virgin, He's doing what a lot of people do — avoiding the issue. There are those who broadcast and dissect every nuance of their personal problems. Other people prefer to remain quiet and deal with things solo. Both are valid approaches to life, but it's a bitch when you've got two totally different types in a relationship, trying to hash something over.
Broadcasters often interpret a lack of expression as a lack of caring. If someone isn't talking about something, they must not be thinking about it. I'm not a Broadcaster myself (shocking, I know), and I'm sure there are legions of Quiets out there who will say this assumption isn't true. Conversely, a Quiet will interpret a Broadcaster's attempts at communication as an indication that that the Broadcaster doesn't believe in them or trust them. They hear "You're a useless man-boy who can't be trusted to look up a web site," instead of "Hey, I want to help you."
Unfortunately, although your situation has all the marks of a classic codependency, he can delay its resolution a lot longer than, say, a compulsive gambler or alcoholic. He's orgasming. That's one of the major pain points, already taken care of. Secondly, no one loses their house because of lack of intercourse. No one crashes their Acura or gets sacked from their job.
They do get dumped by their significant others and spouses. That's one element you have control over. Have a conversation in which you make it clear that you care for him, but you're not going to put up with continued inaction on this issue. That when the pain gets too bad, you're going to take off. It's meet-me-halfway or the highway. Sorry. And let him know what that looks like — whether it's an agreement to talk about the issue at a particular time, weekly, while each tries their best not to be bitchy and recalcitrant, or something more formal, like counseling.
One final note: You need to get off this gay thing. Just about every guy is impotent at some point in his life. It's one of the leading causes of divorce. Your theorizing and fact-finding could be an expression of your anger, and the desire to leave a situation that's troubling you. You want to find out something so shocking and horrible that it will make an exit emotionally easy. The reality is probably a combination of myriad factors, most of them much more run-of-the-mill and much less dramatic. |
| Dear Miss Info: |
I have been seeing this man for all of a week when he tells me that he loves me. I really like him, but he is constantly showering me with excessive compliments. I'm not trying to sound like a bitch here, but it just seems like he is a bit much. He's a really sensitive guy and I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I don't like to be fawned over so much. I guess I perceive it as insincere. Is there something wrong with this guy, or am I just being ridiculous because my ex was so cold and closed off? Please help! — Exact Opposite
Dear Exact Opposite,
An "I love you" at week one is only acceptable if you're currently enrolled in preschool or are Drew Barrymore. That said, I have a number of friends in long-term relationships — some of them marriages — who got to the magic three words very, very early. You're not being weird, though. They're a small minority. Delivered too early, chocolate-covered adjectives and sugary texts can have all sorts of negative connotations attached: I love you (and I'm desperate). I love you (and I love random tail). I love you (and I don't know what a "boundary" is or how to honor one and that is why it's 2:00 a.m. and I'm crying and doing a shitty guitar serenade outside your door).
Does this mean you're a cold fish with commitment issues? That you only like guys who treat you badly and don't communicate? Pshaw. Unlike Vogue models, emotions and behaviors come in more than one size. When it comes to affection, what you have right now is an Extra Large. What you need is a Medium. You already know you don't want a Small (a.k.a., your ex-boyfriend). You don't have to judge yourself for what you want, because it's all subjective. Just ask yourself: Does this make me happy? If so, it's a go.
Having a deep emotional well available to you is better than trying to make someone be affectionate who's not naturally inclined. I see a strong potential for BF material, but you need to act quickly to salvage it. Once you start seeing him as that lame nuisance-y boy chasing after you in a Cupid diaper, it's going to be hard to shake off that feeling. It's one of those animal attraction things, and your libido is particularly vulnerable. When he compliments you and lays it on thick, act flat. That should get rid of some of it, but if it doesn't, tell him that the mushiness is making you uncomfortable. I wouldn't necessarily go on and on about why. He might try to convince you exactly why he loves you (you can trust me, my sweet precious blah blah blah) resulting in an even more flowery and unwanted declarations. I've had that happen a few times. Ugh. Just say that you'd rather retain a little mystery. When you're ready for more, you'll let him know.
| Previous Miss Info |
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©2008 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
Commentarium (25 Comments)
That second situation is an interesting one. I find that when guys do that to me, I'm not only turned off but become very suspicious. That suspicious has been validated at times in the past when they say, ditched me suddenly for someone else a month later when I was just starting to really warm up to them...
So there's another possibility along with the others, that he uses compliments to paint himself as the "nice guy" and to get what he wants...
erectile disfunction is one of the leading causes of divorce??? Can we see some numbers?
The dude is probably fucking up the V. They don't make it really clear at the pharmacy but you can't eat or drink anything for a good hour before you take the pill or it won't do jack shit.
Plus, you also have to wait another hour after you take it.
Being able to get it up enough to cum when he's alone but not with her could have several different causes.
1. When I was on certain "not go crazy" pills I was able to get hard enough to orgasm, but was certainly not hard enough to penetrate a vagina or put a condom on.
2. The pressure of trying to perform in front of his lady may be raising his blood pressure, which can kill boners.
3. Some dudes are straight, but just not into penetrative sex. They prefer going down on the girl, masturbating onto her body, etc... It doesn't mean they are gay, it just means the PIV sex is not their thing - and if they know their partner will expect PIV if they get hard, they'll shut down sexually.
NU I don't know about ED specifically, but "sexual problems" is listed in the top 10 if that helps any
I dated a guy that did the "I love you" after two dates thing. It also included "I want to marry you." I got freaked and dumped him. He got married (to the next girl he dated) a couple months later. From what I can gather from Facebook stalking, they are quite happy. Looks like it really is about finding the right speed/level of affection for you.
Re: Not enough to orgasm... My boyfriend likewise is not able to orgasm when he is with me, but does a fine job of it when he is on his own. I came to find out that he needs to be watching porn (and a lot of it) during masturbation to get there. Also, he does have a history of being sexually abused. All this has made him feel pretty shameful and though he is still very interested in being physically close to me and "attending to my needs", its likely he won't be able to come with me without professional intervention- which was his idea and he made the appointment today. I am bothered by the porn stuff, and there are no guarantees that therapy will work, but I am hopeful because he has been so open and forthcoming with me. Maybe this guy isn't for you? He may not feel comfortable opening up or going to a therapist, but he should at least show some concern for you in all of this.
EB - that's so awesome that your boyfriend made the appointment! there's not a lot of people out there who'd be so proactive. congrats!
Hmmm...I have to say, I usually love your advice but I'm not so sure about this week. I don't agree that so-called "dealing with things solo" is "perfectly valid" when it comes to things that affect more than just you. Particularly when what this guy is doing sounds quite a bit like NOT dealing with things. It's his body but it's their sex life and it's his responsibility to communicate about it. And there's a lot between the extremes of total avoidance and "broadcasting." I don't broadcast by problems but I do communicate about them with the people they are affecting, particularly if they're people I care about.
Personally, this sounds to me like yet another case of trying to solve a psychological problem with doctors and pills. In this culture we're taught to think of people who need medical help as having valid or "real" problems, whereas people who need counseling are just crazy or wimps. The fact that this guy was willing to see a doctor but freaked out by the idea of seeking counseling, to me, indicates that he's internalized this ridiculous standard to some degree. Perhaps he finds the idea of needing help from a yucky touchy-feely therapist emasculating, which would not be surprising in this particular situation. Whatever it is, he needs to get over it. Having a psychological block that prevents him from getting an erection with his partner is just as valid and real as having a physical problem. Counselors are there to do the same thing that doctors do: use their expertise to help people who need help and there's no shame in needing help. He should have time to adjust to the idea counseling (if just plain communication within the relationship does not resolve it eventually) but if he keeps avoiding, at some point he may have to choose between the relationship and his pride.
This week's advice felt off to me, too. I thought it a bit harsh to suggest Virgin was seeking a "horrible and shocking" reason to leave when she (briefly) questioned the possibility her boyfriend could be gay. I would say it's fairly natural for the thought to cross a woman's mind--even if she recognizes that society has conditioned her to think that men who like women are ready to have sex all the time--and the possibility he is gay isn't entirely outside of the realm of possibility. We all want reasons for things we don't understand. I didn't at all get that Virgin was angry or in search of an easy out, at least not from the version of the letter we saw.
As for the suggestion to Exact Opposite to act flat when the guy expressed his love--whether his words are sincere or not, I see this kind of non-response just contributing to the problem, breaking down the lines of communication. I imagine it could even send the guy into overdrive, desperately trying to elicit some sort of response, good or bad. I think it would be better to jump right to the next step Miss Info suggested and gently explain that you enjoy the guy's company but are feeling a little overwhelmed by the attention, and want to take things as they come for now.
i'm a girl, and i'm the exact same as your impotent boyfriend, except i don't have a penis to make it that obvious, and therefore add more of a stigma. watch tlc often enough and you'll remember that there are a lot of females who have the same problem he does. we just don't "fail" in the sense that our "failure" isn't visible.
i'm horny as hell by myself and i can make myself come, no problem. i CANNOT, however, get really horny like that with other people, even people i'm strongly attracted to and that i truly trust. "it's not you, it's me" is actually 100% applicable here.
do i think i would benefit from therapy? yeah, but i'm terrified of the idea. if my boyfriend pushed the issue, it would drive me inside myself even more. that may just be me, but food for thought.
OK....32 and 40. Just ask yourself if you would stay if he can't get it up. If the answer is no, then cut your losses. I find it interesting that couples "stick it out" when there are major issues early in a relationship. The time to "stick it out" is not the honeymoon period but the "worse" part of "for better or for worse" happens, and there are children, a family, an important history etc. It's not you, it's him. It may be interesting to understand the origins and nature of the problem, etc. but it doesn't matter if he is gay or abused or whatever. The age difference and 9 months???? I don't see much of a sex life in your future with this man.
Exact Opposite.....
This one is really easy. Just flat out tell the guy you don't like "mushy" guys. If he is really in to you, he will pick up on it immediately.
Dear Miss,
I'm sure I would not need any viagra or cialis if I was hooking up with you. You hare Hot!! I'd get so hard, I could put holes in sheetrock tring to get to you.
Let me know if you'd like me to prove that!!
PJC
miss virgin: just put it in your mouth. you will have your answer.
The other thought I had about Mr. Supermushy is that he *may* be a controller. These types go overboard with compliments and presents to get you to do what they want, but if you show resistance, they turn to verbal (and sometimes physical) abuse. I'm not saying your guy is that, but my advice FWIW is to go slowly and tell him to dial it down.
JJ, please don't be afraid to try therapy. I didn't start until I was in my late 30s and feel like I wasted 20 years carrying around a lot of crap that made me miserable. Therapists don't change you; they help you decide what you want to change about yourself and to gain perspective on the events of your life. I wish you good luck.
I agree with dpc and bwj. The Born-again Virgin needs to help and care. Ultimatums don't work. Viagra isn't for instant erections. The lady must help too but that might not be in the instructions.
Cognitive-behavioural therapy does wonders treating impotence!
j5vuSB I am getting married on the 15th of November. Congratulate me! Then will be here rarely...
It's straight to the point! You could not tell in other words! :)))
Well, actually, a lot of what you write is not quite true ... well, okay, it does not matter:)))
Author, keep doing in the same way!!!
As I have expected, the writer blurted out!!!
Thanks for all the answers:) In fact, learned a lot of new information. Dut I just didn`t figure out what is what till the end...
Yeah, it is clear now ... Just can not figure out how often do you update your blog???
Totally agree with you, about a week ago wrote about the same in my blog!!!
Now you say something