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October 15, 2008
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Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear Not Desperate, Whose fault is it if someone gets pregnant? Is consent implied by the absence of birth control? I could spend the next five columns debating that. But at the core of the problem is that neither of you is acting in accordance with what's best for his or her own needs. And I want what's best for you, lambchop. You too, Wally and Beaver.
He wants a woman who is comfortable with not having children. He's dating one who's ambivalent, and (because he apparently doesn't have enough drama with an ex-wife and two children) has elected not to wrap it up. You're not sure how you feel about having children, but you do know the position of your boyfriend. You know that, were you to get pregnant, you'd have to deal with your own uncertainty and the physical and psychological implications of whichever path you chose: pregnancy, abortion, or adoption. Plus an unwilling partner. Yet, you also opt not to use rubbers. As the proud owner of a set of ovaries, I totally identify with an accidental "whoopsie" as a secret, sometimes self-destructive, desire. As an adult human, I share your anxieties about ending an imperfect relationship, the aging process and starting over. I still think you deserve better than the status quo. It's not clear whether you want a baby because you want a baby, or whether you're attempting to bridge some gap between you and your partner. You need to use condoms until you figure this out. As far as a long-term plan, I suggest you resign yourself to not having children with this man. And then do everything you need to do to make yourself happy with that decision — therapy, couples counseling, etc. — or move the hell on. I know you think it's too late, but staying stuck in a relationship with someone who doesn't want what you want has only one possible ending. If you're single, the future is wide open. You can be a foster parent. You can adopt. You can meet a guy who's just as kiddie-minded as you and be shocked by how quickly life changes. All it takes is the right person and nine little months. I have a friend who went from single and convinced he'd always be a lonely bachelor to married with three children in the time it took me to go through a can of pomade. In closing, three words: condoms, condoms, condoms. And good luck. |
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Dear Miss Information,
How do I explain to friends and family (who express various degrees of surprise and exasperation) that the reason I'm not dating anyone is that I'm too emotionally crippled to even make the attempt? The period of life where people learn how to get along and how to socialize? I didn't get that. As a result, I have no idea how to approach anyone, and no inclination to compete with people who have been in this arena since they were twelve. And given that no one uses keywords like "fixer-upper" when searching a personal site, simply waiting and hoping is out of the question. Any suggestions on how to get the bystanders off my back? — In Dire Need of an Overhaul |
Dear In Dire Need, I'm sure you know why they're asking. They care about you. That, or they're in long-term relationships and bored as balls. You're what they turn to when the DVR records Antiques Roadshow instead of Gossip Girl. They're living vicariously.
Unlike you. You're barely living at all. I'm not saying that because you're not dating. Fingers off the keyboard, militant singles. This guy wouldn't be using phrases like "emotionally crippled" and "fixer-upper" if he were happy with his Stouffer's "Meal for One!" Beef Stroganoff. Hell, just the signoff alone is pretty telling. Dire Need, I think you're a lot more socially and psychologically advanced than you give yourself credit for. You know how many people hide behind excuses like "I'm too busy" or "I'm too lazy," and have been doing so for so long that they can no longer separate real from bullshit? You are twenty steps ahead of those so-called dating experts who've been Don Juan-ing it up since they were in middle school. You're aware of your limitations and blocks.
Except they aren't limitations and blocks. Anyone can screw up dating, and most of us do. The barrier to entry is very, very low. Doesn't matter whether you've been dating for days or years. There will always be David Lynchian-lunch dates and regret-laden moments. Turn your inexperience into one of your major sellers — "Cute guy. Hasn't done much dating. Looking for nice girl who's cool with halting-but-sincere conversation and the occasional uncomfortable silence." Put that in your personal, add a dog or cat photo and you're golden. Go ahead and make some mistakes. Get out there. Find a therapist or embark on your own your brand of self-help. I think you'll find there's very little that's real about your "undateable" self-image.
In the event I've got it all wrong and your question is real, with no underlying subtext, then my advice is to act as cheerful as possible. Thank them for their offer, but blather on how you don't need to pursue dating because you're so friggin' happy. Channel one of those stereotypical, L.A. pseudo-spiritual types and brag about how you're "enjoying your solitude" and are in a "really good place now." Statements like these are hard to refute (you: I'm happy; them: Uh-uh, are not!). And they usually get the solicitor to wonder: Am I really happy that being in a couple? If I dumped Billy, would I be better off, too? Yeah, it's a white lie, but it shifts focus. The conversation transitions into healthy eating and exercise and you're free to slink off without nosy romantic inquiries and patronizing set-ups.
Readers, how do YOU react when friends and family comment on your status? Are you deferential? Hostile? Do you lie? Tell the truth? Have you gone from a lonely avoider to a dating smoothie or vice-versa? How did you do it? Leave a comment in the Feedback section and tell us what's up.
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©2008 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
Commentarium (15 Comments)
A lot of us feel like Dire Need from time to time -- too damaged to feel interesting, or even sociable. For most of us, loneliness or horniness eventually forces us to get over it and take risks again. Dire Need is either profoundly depressed or low on testosterone. Either way he needs to talk to someone.
I say I'm too hurt by my ex because I hope it'll get back to him and he'll feel guilty. And yes, I'm aware how awful that sounds. I guess I just want some attention past the obligatory "I'm sorry he turned out to be an asshole". Plus after that latest mind-fuck I can't really see myself dating some one again. If I don't want the pity I say I'm too happy to want to deal with the melodrama that comes along with being with some one else. They're both half truths.
I mostly missed out on the "dating years" and have done very little "dating" but have never had trouble finding long term partners when I was ready. It helps to not meet people with the intent to try to find a mate, but to meet people with the intent to find people you like to hang out with-- eventually you find yourself spending more and more time with someone and it sometimes turns into something more (and sometimes not). You end up with new friends and a little more social experience either way.
Go out and do things that involve at least a few other people that share your interests (sports, knitting, bowling, birdwatching, hiking). A common interest helps reduce the awkwardness of interacting with strangers and gives a starting point for conversations about other things. Take Erin's advice about being slightly humorously up front about it in a personal ad- I know people who actually like to date slightly awkward types. And remember that a lot of people who seem casual and comfortable in social situations may be just as nervous as you are but have more practice hiding it.
Erin, the piece with "Dire Need" was one of your best in a long time. Sincere in both its message and undertone, I was surprised by your honesty.
Keep it up! =)
Nothing in the first writer's letter suggests this, ut having just learned that one of my male was this clueless (horny, in denial, whatever), let me just throw out that the boyfriend may not know she's not using birth control. Obviously they're not using condoms, assumedly after the obligatory initial use, testing, et al. But he may just assume that by 42, a woman has either already learned that she's past the childbearing years (I'm 42 and have been told in fairly definite terms that I'm not going to have a kid without major medical intervention. Yes, miracles happen, but still.) or, he may assume that at her age, she's got it sorted. Pill, Nuva Ring, whatever. Of course once a couple stops using condoms they should have "that conversation" but not everyone does. Men can be sort of clueless sometimes, especially if they just want to believe that the person they're with would do such a thing. Just saying.
Just because you can't compete with Uber-daters for the Super Models doesn't mean that you can't date. There are plenty of shy and not perfect (from their perspective) folks out there dying to meet somebody. Truth be told, usually the awkward and shy couples who do find each seem happier and less restive than the grass is always greener and I got the skills to hop that fence folks. When your friends ask, ask them what they got for you? If they want you to date, they should help you with a fixup or two.
At 42, the first lw *really* doesn't have a lot of time left to make her own baby. Even if current bf was gung ho, there is still a big chance it wouldn't happen, and if she leaves him on the hope that she will meet someone else in time to make babies before menopause, she has a very high risk of winding up both single AND childless. To boot, older people unfortunately face a very difficult time when trying to adopt - even well-off married couples. A single 42 year old woman would have an even harder time.
The hard truth is that LW may have already missed the kid boat, and it has everything to do with her own life, her own choices, and comparatively little to do with her boyfriend's view on children. Since she says herself that she was always ambivilant about children until this man said he didn't want them, it sounds to me like she is, on some level, looking for a flaw in the relationship, a reason to sabatoge it. I think she would be happiest if she stayed with him, worked on the relationship, and came to terms with being past the age of motherhood.
Not Desperate is in a place well beyond logic and reason. I think both LW and BF can't decide and want to just leave it to fate. I don't see it as such a bad thing. They are having unprotected sex -- so they have already decided to roll the dice and let nature decide. BF says he doesn't want to, but doesn't seem to worry about it. LW wants BF to have BF's baby and wants BF to want it also. And maybe it isn't really going to happen anyway. Whew. I have to disagree with Erin on this one. Every time they do it, they are making a decision. Lets just assume that LW gets her wish and BF wants it too. But we know it isn't just going to happen -- or it already would have. Frankly, unless I was in a perfect relationship, fertility treatment would be a relationship killer. BF says he doesn't want another child, but I don't think he is being totally honest with LW but maybe even more with himself. LW wants something that is very unrealistic -- to do the whole family deal with BF 100% on board. If teenagers get knocked up, you can sort of understand goofing up. But adults??? There is a fantasy world where men and women plan out their lives and things work on schedule. Contraception works when they want it to work and the second they want to make a baby, bingo. And it all fits in with career, school, etc.etc. Most people either don't live in this world, or think they live in it until nature and luck get involved. This is a long winded way of saying that LW, age 42, is feeling open to sex, love, and a baby. She is already voting with her heart. It is a long shot, regardless. But I can see *not* talking about it. Having teenage like risky sex. And LW is getting something not that different then her desires. She might have the teenage sex, the knowledge or fantasy that BF wants her to be the mother of his baby, and maybe a baby. This couple is acting at odds to their consciously stated desires -- so I would consider that the actions speak more powerfully then can articulate to one another. They are both ambivalent, to the idea that this can all be worked out via some big discussion or therapy just isn't going to happen. It is a big risk, but I think LW should continue to go with her emotions. Like she won't anyway. I don't think she should feel bad about living a non rational life.
Here's what I used to do before I got into my current relationship and I got nagged at family reunions: sulk. Not effective. Here's what I do, nearly five years later, when they pressure me about having babies: a) (with family members I'm comfortable being direct with) tell them to mind their own business and stop nagging; b) (with strangers) tell them I don't want any, thanks. Not true. But it shuts them up.
I'd add this as it can make a world of difference for somebody who is socially awkward or just a bit stunted.
This might set off your "Cliche" alarms but stay with me for a second.
Find something you're passionate about if you don't have something already. These things give people more than a way to connect with others, they boost your confidence because you have something to pour your time and energy into. Something that you feel matters.
Unless that thing is Cosplay or D&D both of which can have an inverse effect when you talk to some people. I don't mean to down either as a pursuit but they do carry a certain stigma.
It can't take the place of somebody else, or human interaction but this will give you a base of strength from which to move. That and it will give you something to talk about that's less intimate than how much you need an "overhaul."
And so what? You're fucked up. Everybody's fucked up. Better you're up front about it than having that shit show up unannounced like some sort of in-law.
Move to New York, we are all single here - no questions asked!
Hi, MI. I'm fifty and have just about finished enjoying being alone. Divorced these 6 or so years and solidly, genuinely alone for almost four, I'm ready to find someone and I certainly don't mind "fixer uppers", as I don't really believe anyone who says they are all they can be. I am very good with transitional folk, and believe that welcoming others' transitions improves my own.
But alas, my friends and family are dumb. I have lost count of how many pieces of dating advice have followed the words "if you would just". Everyone has a different idea of what I should change, add or subtract from what I am. And they are all more-or-less happily coupled. If my f and fs don't believe I am content to be alone until otherwise, still I wish they would shut up; coupled people don't necessarily have the answers for the willingly or unwillingly single.
oh, btw. The divorced guy who doesn't want kids? I think he would probably be thrilled to have his seed spread further, but doesn't want to be responsible for it. Hence the unprotected sex with a woman who is wildly ambivalent.
I'm in that same boat as "Dire", absolutely no social skills on an interpersonal level. Makes me wonder if it's not some variant of Asperger's Syndrome where you can't read body language or interact well with others socially. I'm plus size, painfully shy, and all too selfaware of every little self perceived flaw.
People who know me probably think I'm a lesbian, a virgin or I'm just a clueless goody-two-shoes...maybe all of that combined! I don't tell them anything. One co-worker was talking about her previous night's conquests: multiple dates and dinnerwhoring and she asked me if I was "asexual" because she never sees me doing anything - perhaps by her standards I am.
Online dating opened up a release to me from my stifled life, even if it's just some NSA hookups or one night stands. I was a virgin for an extra long time, and after my frustration ramped up over wanting to meet someone for sex to get it done and over with, one day I did just that. Turns out, there was really nothing to be worried about, my skills at sex aren't bad at all and I'm actually more adventurous than some others might be. I did meet a kind of nice guy early on; but he broke it off with me and he has no idea that he broke my heart, leaving me thinking "that may be the best you get and it's gone." That happened a year ago, and no one has a clue that the whole relationship even happened.
Still, while meaningless sex is good, it's not what I really crave. Usually can't make a fuckbuddy into a BF, though a BF may become your best fuckbuddy.
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