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October 29, 2008
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Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
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I see this cute bouncer every two weeks or so at a place I frequent. Initially there was some vague flirting, but for the past two months the flirtations have increased tenfold. Last time I showed up, he literally got on one knee and bowed to me! He told me this would be just the beginning, if we were actually alone together. He has my MySpace, so he knows how to contact me, yet he doesn't. I've always been receptive — very receptive, actually — to his flirtations, so what gives? — Confused in Jersey
Dear Confused, Unless you count the airport, it's been awhile since I've gone anywhere that requires a special procedure before entry. And the last time I hit on a bouncer was at a strip club. I was trying to flirt my way into free admission and got totally denied. Who knew awkward small talk and a moderately risqué tank top couldn't compete with an endless array of exposed boobs?
Since I lack the hands-on experience to answer your question, I decided to call in an expert. Rob the Bouncer has been a velvet-rope jockey for years and writes a hilarious blog about his experiences. Here's what he had to say:
Be careful. I can't speak for the guy who's flirting with you, but most bouncers I know don't take the women they meet in bars or clubs seriously. This is because most of the women we deal with have few qualities that would compel us to spend time with them in anything other than a horizontal position.
You'll have to overcome this perception, if you're looking for anything more than this bouncer carting you home for an awkward and rushed post-shift turn in the sack. And trust me, going home with a bouncer after he's been standing around getting his eardrums blasted out for eight hours isn't all it's cracked up to be. You also need to realize that bouncers sometimes do things just to relieve the boredom of watching other people enjoy themselves for hours. We talk to people to kill time, and then we forget about them and everything else as soon as we walk out the door.
I'd suggest taking a more proactive approach instead of just being "receptive." He probably doesn't know you're interested. You say he has your MySpace and hasn't attempted to contact you? Get his MySpace. Contact him instead. Make him think about you when he's not at the bar. Let him know you're more than just a time-filler.
If you want to read more of Rob, and believe me, you do — the man is a primo storyteller, and one of his favorite words is "slapdick" — check out his book, Clublife: Thugs, Drugs, and Chaos at New York City's Premier Nightclubs.
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Dear Miss Information, Five years ago I met a wonderful guy in France. We spent an amazing few weeks together and fell in love. Small problem: I'm British, he's American, and we had to go back to our home countries. We're still in love, though we only see each other once or twice a year. My friends ask, "How does it work?" Truthfully, it doesn't. We never agreed on rules, so we've both slept with other people, felt guilty, confessed and decided we didn't want to keep hurting each other. But celibacy with the occasional dash of phone sex thrown in is no way to live! Owing to visa restrictions, I can't emigrate for a good three years. He doesn't ever want to leave his home city. In addition, he's too worried about losing his (very good) job to ask for time off to see me, and I don't make enough to take more than one trans-Atlantic flight each year. His solution is to get married — but isn't it crazy to marry someone, just to find out if you can live with them for the rest of your life? I'm being asked to make a huge sacrifice for someone who's not prepared to make one for me. I've thought about it so much I don't know what I think anymore. Is he selfish, or am I? — Frozen to the Spot |
Dear Frozen to the Spot, It's not just him: both of you are selfish and full of excuses. You want to be together, but you want it to be low-cost, risk-free and convenient. Are you aware you're on different continents? Do I have to whip out a map for you kids?
promotion
You have three options. One: break up. Two: move this sucker to the next level. Three: keep blaming each other. You've gotten number three out of the way. Now it's time to think about what's next. Immediate marriage doesn't sound like the best option, given the circumstances. You two can't figure out how to see each other more than twice a year. How would you tackle the thornier problems that marriage would inevitably bring?
I'm skeptical when he says he'll be shitcanned from his "very good job" for taking a vacation. He needs to learn to be more assertive, or start looking for a job that will let him take time off. If he wants to badly enough, he'll do it. And what about you, Frozen? You don't make enough money to go over there more than once a year? Why not? Edit your budget, start a change jar, or sell stuff on eBay, but get the ball rolling. Build your skills, find a mentor and look for a gig you like as much as your present job but that pays more. If you want to badly enough, you'll do it. You both are treating each other's physical presence as a negotiable. It has to be a non-negotiable. I can see this working with marriage or without. I've known couples who delayed marriage in favor of years'-long courtship, and those who went all kamikaze into wedded bliss. (What do they say in England? "Knickers down"? "Bloody fucking crazy"?). Both achieved the same result, and went on to have the same joys and trials that go into any regular union. The important thing is that you make a decision, together. Then make mutual concessions, so that whoever feels like they're giving up more also feels comfortable with that risk. Readers, are any of you in cross-continental relationships? Feel free to chime in.
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©2008 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
Commentarium (22 Comments)
If he has such a good job, perhaps he could pay for the odd air fare?
If the job is so good he should be able to pay for her air fare.
I can sorta see in this economy a dude not wanting to take a vacation. Layoffs are coming everywhere and he probably wants to do everything he can to make sure he's not the one laid off.
Beyond that, it's not hard to live illegally in America, as long as you speak English. She could always book a flight to see him and then not use the return ticket. If he lives in any kind of city, she'd probably be able to find an off the books waitressing or bartending job so she's not mooching off of him.
In the meantime she could sublet her apartment in the UK so she'd have some money coming in - say for six months.
If, after six months of living together illegally and in sin they are still in love, at that point she could consider marrying him and getting the actual visa. Or, by this point she'd know she doesn't want to marry him and could go back to her old apartment in the UK.
Cross-continental relationships (as in anything more than casual flings) are a waste of time and energy. Unless you two live in the same city, forget about it. Move or move on.
intercontinental "relationships" blow. it's like living in 2 places at once and not being able to live fully in anyone of them. but, if it's been going on for so long, well, dive in and see what happens. if anything it would be an experience. get married (on understood and amicable terms) and no visa problems!
FYI says: "Cross-continental relationships (as in anything more than casual flings) are a waste of time and energy."
Not always. My girlfriend and I were cross country for a year. What made it work was a concrete plan to end it, which we did. Now we're married. Without a concrete plan to end the long distance, the relationship is very likely to end itself.
As Miss Info says - suck it up and DO something about it.
Cross continent can work if you both love each other. Have you used Skype? Video really helps. Plus the flights to and from London to US aren't too bad if you look hard enough.
That being said, you will need to plan to be together at some point in the future. My cross continent thing * could * have worked out if only he asked me to stay... but alas, he wasn't ready to propose. It is hard to be separated, but it works to your advantage if you break up (no possibility in doing a drive by to see if his car is in the driveway!!)
Good luck
I wanted to bring my Swiss girlfriend of two years (I'd been living in Switzerland..) to the US to see if things kept going as swimmingly as they had been, and if they did, I'd ask her to marry me.
Uh, Immigration had other ideas. There is no such thing as a "lets see how this relationship works out" visa. After some soul-searching, I decided that I did want to marry her. Let me tell you: this is no process for the wishy-washy. Count on thousands of dollars for lawyer fees, visa application fees, etc.., and hours and hours spent on getting all the forms just right. I sent a photocopy of the back of my birth certificate, *which has NOTHING on it - the back is just plain white*, because the Immigration form asked for a copy of the back as well as the front.
My advice is to find someone in your same area code, unless you're really, really sure that your relationship is right. Straddling two continents is hard.
Relationships are hard enuff. Screw someone accessible, preferably in the same borough but NOT within 30 block radius of where you live or in same building as you.
5 years is a ridiculously long time to spend on someone you only see "one or two times a year." This man is either the love of your life, or you are using each other as the excuse for why you can't get your REAL love lives together. Either dump him immediately or go move to where he is NOW and stay as long as you can before you get deported. Can't you stay in europe for up to 3 months on a tourist visa? Do it. After 3 months of living with him, you'll have a much clearer picture of what you want. But don't get married. Divorce is a lot more messy to deal with than an angry customs agent, no matter which way you slice it.
She should talk to other couples (face to face) who are in l-t relations with a non-US person. Learn the joys and problems in advance. I didn't but it worked out fine. I learned via "on the job" training. Both people will need extra flexibility especially as the "magic" wears off.
Dear Frozen,
When I was 16, my mom was single.A friend of hers set her up on a blind date,three weeks later she married him. They have been married and blissfully happy for 30 yrs. Just do it . There is no perfect solution and no "right" time. You love him and he loves you. That is about all there is.
dirtwood
Having gone through it, a K (marriage) visa between an american and a non-american is straightforward, if complex, to work through, and one of the easiest ways to get status in the US. The comment about 3 years implies she's violated a visa though which does make it harder.
As to his great job, I don't know what it is, but. I was able to arrange with my employer to, literally, telecommute from Sydney, Australia ;) So in the span of one year I was able to spend two one-month periods in Sydney with her. It was rough, spent lots of time working in the middle of the night, but allowed me to be there.
After that, we made the choice that I had the better job/career in the US and so we "dove into" the marriage choice. She had no visa restrictions so it took near to a year to work through the K visa process. And note, once she arrived in the US, we had to either get married within 90 days or she had to leave. We're still together after 6 years, with some rough spots here and there but it's been worth it.
Same scenario, but the other way around, I was in America and he was in England. We went the marriage route and he came here. It was a disaster. The immigration system is hell and he couldn't work legally for a few years, this led to depression and blaming me for ruining his life. As for me, I discovered all manner of living habits I had not been privy to before cohabitation. I was not happy. Legally we are still married, and we are friendly, but we live separately and that suite me just fine.
BJC, I love the assumption that of course I own my own apartment (if I had that much money airfares wouldn't be an issue), and that immigration wouldn't notice a little thing like being 6 months over a visa... I'm not brave enough to risk deportation and being banned from your shores for 10 years. But overall, good advice, people. BT, it's for fear of ending up like your hubbie that I dithered over making that leap. My american friend and I split a year ago - but we're still in touch and haven't given up on it yet. If this ends up being the first "Miss Information" wedding, I'll let you all know.
-Frozen.
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